ANTM: Go Go Garbage

Recaps

By P-Baby Walker | Friday, April 15, 2011 | 7:01 pm | 29 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: America's Next Top Model, Featured, Recaps

Hi Gasmii!! Your loyal P-Baby here ready to bring you the latest episode of America’s Next Top Model.  I’m in high spirits as I’m finally back home after having been on the road for the past month for work.  It’s nice to be in my own living room on my big red couch eating animal crackers and manically drinking Diet Pepsi, which is just where I belong.  I’m doubly excited because Scream 4 is out and no one is happier about it than me, except maybe Neve Campbell because home slice hasn’t been relevant since the late 90′s. Thirdly, I just booked my flight for my Backstreet Boys/New Kids On The Block concert event in June.  Yes, folks, that’s right.  I’m secretly a twelve year old.

BSB

All right kids, let’s do this bitch.

So we start off right after panel where Brittani tells us she just experience the worst day of her life in front of the judges when she mouthed off about Alexandria and had a panic attack and generally made herself look like a sobbing mess.  I mentioned it in the minicap but I hope Brittani feels like a complete asshole, seeing as Japan  is hell bent on shaking itself into the middle of the Earth and even if that doesn’t happen, there’s just a small nuclear meltdown going on.  No big deal.

brittani crying

Brittani attempts to make things right with Alexandria by apologizing and admitting she handled the situation wrong.  Alexandria tells us she thinks what Brittani did was almost unforgivable.  I mean, I know adultery, murder, aggravated assault, and other assorted crimes obviously pale in comparison to  calling someone out at a photo shoot on a reality show that no one watches, but these ladies really just need to take it down a few notches.  Does no one watch the news anymore?

Long story short, Alexandria and Brittani kiss and make up.  I’ll give that truce about five minutes into next week’s episode.  Speaking of next week, ANTM is on at a new time, starting at 9pm rather than 8pm.  I wonder why.  Maybe they are getting spanked by Survivor, American Idol, Storage Wars, Star Trek: The Next Generation reruns, etc.  Commander Riker is a fox.  Either way, remember to set your DVRs since I know none of us are watching this shit when it’s actually airing.

hug

The girls finally get off the bus and find themselves in a creepy dark room full of gigantic picture frames and The Banks herself.  Great.  Banks decides she wants to teach us more stuff, this time about model portfolios and how important they are to book jobs.  Banks drones on and on and on about photos and junk and the main take away is that I’m absolutely fascinated at how easily this ho can turn a lesson about portfolios into how fucking awesome she was when she was modeling in Paris.  Banks.  That was twenty years, 30 pounds ago, and like a million jump suits ago.  Get. The. Fuck. Over. It.

tyra three

Banks reveals that the whole reason behind her lesson is because the girls will be embarking on go sees.  YES!  I LOVE go sees.  I think my fondness for them is because the girls actually go out to real fashion establishments and we are usually treated to snarky feedback from the fashion establishment’s employees.  Banks teases the girls that they’ll be going overseas by holding up a big Sesame Street C.  Jaclyn thinks they are going to Cuba or China.   Jesus Christ.  I can’t deal with these people anymore.

communist

Each model has a big cut out letter in her portfolio folder so the brain trust figure out they need to rearrange their letters to spell their destination.

breakfast

pbjchickenhalfbaked

Fucking finally, the idiots finally figure out they’re heading to Morocco.  Jaclyn’s disappointed that their destination is not a Communist dictatorship.  Everyone else is excited because they have no idea where Morocco is and were told by production to be happy.  The catch is that not everyone is going to Morocco.  One girl will be eliminated before the international trip which means she gets to avoid a serious round of immunizations.

The next morning, some random dude with a bad shave shows up at the pad and it turns out his name is Kyle Hagler, a representative from IMG models.  Why are the people that always judge beauty so homely?  What is that about?

kyle hagler

He gives them the dish on what’s going down today.  4 Go Sees in Los Angeles and each Go See will have a different theme.  He says archetype but thanks to Banks and this show, I fucking hate a word that I’ve never given two shits about in my life.  Each model has to pack one bag of stuff that will suit the four themes of the Go Sees.  They’ll have four hours to complete all the Go Sees and will be chauffeured around by a driver who’s not allowed to help them with directions.  The final destination is Lana Marks salon where the top 3 of the sixth will participate in a Go See there.  I know LA is a humongous vortex full of human shells but since people there have a moderate grasp on the English language, the ladies have a leg up on seasons past.

go see rules

As usual, if the ladies show up late, they get disqualified.  Alexandria’s pumped because she’s an LA brat and says she knows it like the back of her demon hoof.  The girls get ready and run downstairs to be greeted by their driver and tricked out luxury rides for the day.

smart car

Does anyone out there not instantly judge someone driving a Smart Car?

So everyone manages to figure out that the closest Go See is Frankie B. Jeans which is the Bombshell theme.  Alexandria participates in some ass-kissing there and we’re informed by the Frankie lady who’s never met an eyeliner she didn’t like that she’d definitely book Alexandria.  Insert redemption arc here.

eyeliner

Meanwhile, after having left Frankie B. due to impatience, Molly is incessantly bitching at her driver for not being aggressive enough.  I wouldn’t be aggressive on an LA highway either if a Micro Machine was the sole item keeping me from turning into roadkill.

At the Girl Next Door themed Go See, Molly reads some lines on camera and is hard-pressed to hide the bitch inside her.  Meanwhile, Alexandria rocks this go see as well which only furthers my belief that she may be crazy.  It’s bizarre to see just how fake she can be when it counts, but good on her for rocking her Go Sees.  Not good on her for rocking these shorts.

shorts

Guys, does anyone else think the drivers are kind of hot?  Because I do.

Ok so the next theme is Athletic.  Athletic to Molly means nude underwear and no shoes.

gym clothes

Well all the girls end up making it to Lana Marks on time and Homely Hagler announces the three winners as Alexandria, Molly, and Kasia.  Lana Marks shows up looking like Mary Poppins’s older, blonder, and bitchier sister.  She says whoever she chooses out of the three remaining will star in her next global campaign featured in over 100 countries.  They also get a knock off Angelina Jolie clutch and a gift bag of some stuff.  Oh boy.  With that in mind, I’d rather have a Ford.

lana marks

Alexandria wins.   So she can shove that clutch and goody bag in her Ford while the other girls continue to stew with hatred.

poker face

Tyra Mail decides to show its impudent little face.  A modeling career is a terrible thing to waste.  The next day the girls head off to a huge landfill and are greeted by Jay and Nigel.  Jay looks like he can hardly keep himself from gagging on either the smell or the millions of seagulls cruising around looking for grub.  The birds are definitely grosser than the trash but somehow I get the feeling that Nigel’s been to places with raunchier smells than this.

The girls are going to be wearing eco-friendly grounds (re: trashbags) designed specifically for them by this freak.

freak

Ok, so I’m not digging the make up but the dresses are admittedly kind of awesome.  The make-up looks like Mombi and that is not a bitch I’m down with.

mombi

kasia mombi

As usual, nothing interesting happens.  Like literally nothing happens to the point that I’ve noticed in Brittani’s confessionals her tank top strap is twisted on her right side.  That’s how boring the photo shoot was.

Panel time, holler!

1.  Alexandria.  Tyra blows a a chimney full of smoke up her ass about booking all her Go Sees, winning the challenge, how great she is.  What the hell is going on this episode?

alexandria final

2.  Jaclyn.  Jaclyn, on the other hand gets scolded for only making two Go Sees.  I’ve decided that at certain angles, Jaclyn is not cute.  And obviously my decisions are what counts around here.

jaclyn final

3.  Molly.  The judges tell Molly she’s a bitch.  I’m sure she already knew that.

molly final

4. Kasia.  Kasia booked two of her Go Sees.  The feedback is that at times she seemed forced.  Which is just Go See code for, “We don’t want the fat one.”

kasia final

5. Hannah.  Hannah looks like someone famous and I can’t figure it out.  Maybe a combination of a Portia De Rossi and a skinny version of that bitch from Lost.

hannah final

6.  Brittani.  Tyra asks Brittani how she’s feeling, as if Banks actually cares.

brittani final

Guys, Alexandria gets best photo on top of all the other good shit that happened this episode.  Is she in for the win or is she being set up for failure?  Who knows and who really cares?  Molly and Jaclyn are in the bottom two with Jaclyn getting the heave ho before the Morocco trip.  Poor Jaclyn but at least we didn’t have to see Molly cut a bitch.  See you guys next week!




P-Baby Walker is a Pez-collecting, Archie Comic reading, Elvis loving, self-appointed movie sensei.  Lack of sunlight, fresh air and a bloodstream composed of Diet Pepsi causes her moods to air on the side of salty, resulting in endless disgruntled opinions for the world to enjoy.  Due to overall lack of motivation to do anything else, P-Baby has recently started writing more of her musings on pop culture at Mrs. Catalano Presents...  When she's not in the midst of her ongoing epic battle between love and hate for Nicolas Cage, she spends an abnormal amount of time watching B movies on Netflix.  She hopes to meet John Waters one day and thank him for his contributions to the film industry.

29 Comments

  1. 1
    LAjane81
    Posted April 15, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    I’ll actually miss jaclyn. I kind of think molly should have gone home for her shit attitude. And quite frankly, when you take the weave off, girlfriend needs some volumizing shampoo. Anyway, this episode in general irritated me. You know those hotels would have been late if they’d tried more, which seems more unacceptable.

  2. 2
    LAjane81
    Posted April 15, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    Also, and I love you p-baby, but sure reality reality show contestants really supposed to care about work issues? Wouldn’t that make it too…real? Like watching cspan with hotter people?

  3. 3
    LAjane81
    Posted April 15, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    Holy typos! Stupid phone. That would be *world issues, those *girls, etc, typo, etc.

  4. 4
    c8h10n4o2
    Posted April 15, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    In that photo Hannah actually reminds me of Natasha Lyonne before she went bat-shit crazy junkie. Like Slums of Beverly Hills-era Natasha.

  5. 5
    carol
    Posted April 15, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    Yes, the drivers of the roller skates were hot. If this was not a go-see episode, I’m sure the girls would have been all over that.

    I love the go-see episode because it shows how tall these girls really are (or how short the people on the go-sees are). When they are all together they don’t look that tall but when out in the wild, the are tall.

    Why does Alexandria always make that face? It’s sort of like she is doing a Keira Knightly impression.

    What was up with Brittani’s leg in the photo? It sort of looked like it ended at the knee.

    Jaclyn left with grace and dignity, her goodbye diary session was great.

  6. 6
    P-Baby Walker
    Posted April 15, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    I realized I wasn’t specific enough when I said Hannah looked like that bitch from Lost. This could obviously mean many people since Lost’s cast has like 5 million people. Who I meant was Sonya Walger who was also on FlashForward (the non Disney Ben Foster version) CSI: New York, The Sarah Connor Chronicles and some other shows. That is all.

  7. 7
    germgurl
    Posted April 15, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    Funniest editing of the night: t- 30 seconds (!) and Alexandria cruises into Lana Marks tossing a casual ‘Bueno’ at the other girls. haha.

  8. 8
    Adric
    Posted April 15, 2011 at 11:34 pm

    I didn’t notice it until this week but at panel Hannah reminded me of a younger Meg Ryan. Something in the eyes and mouth. I kind of figure that’s why she’s still around, just waiting for that comparison to be made. Too bad they don’t have the budget to do another ‘celebrity couples shoot’ like they did in season 7. I’d be in to seeing her best Dennis Quaid in a towel impression (from that movie the two of them did with Martin short- what was that again?).

  9. 9
    itchy
    Posted April 16, 2011 at 12:19 am

    It’s good to see that Alexandria’s Bitch Redemption Arc (TM) is in full swing. It’s also nice that they’re making it pretty obvious that at least two of the other girls are equally bitchy/unstable.

    And yeah, Jacqueline was clear cannon-fodder. She’s cute, just doesn’t look like a model. And the fat girl is, well, she’s just not all that striking is she? No way she can win.

    They’re going to have to get started on Hannah’s Shy Girl Affirmation Arc pretty soon though, if they want to get her in shape to be a believable winner.

    Also, do people still watch television as its aired? Why would anyone sit through those commercials by choice? There are 20 minutes of commercials in an ‘hour-long’ episode.

  10. 10
    PinkLemonade
    Posted April 16, 2011 at 2:28 am

    Adric, it was the highly memorable masterpiece Innerspace which I thought was sweet and funny at the time.

    I thought Kasia should have gone home. Not because she is the “fat” one but because she’s just kind of a non-entity. There’s nothing about her that pops in her photos.

    I didn’t mind Jacqueline in terms of her work. I did not like hearing her voice but she seemed to be coming along steadily in her approach and learning how to get around the craziness of the house.

    That Michael Cinco guy pissed me off. His dresses were fine but he just looked so deliberately weird with his over Juvadermed face or something. Ew.

    I don’t think Tyra realizes just how much of an ass she’s making herself look like by kowtowing and schmoozing up Alexandria. You cannot tell me that models don’t exhibit crabby, weird, spacy, etc. behavior. Molly may be a downer but she gives good face and she isn’t acting like Alexandria. Oy.

  11. 11
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 16, 2011 at 5:27 am

    Yes, but clearly Tyra isn’t the only one who thinks that about Molly’s behavior. The purse lady would have awarded Molly the win if she hadn’t looked like a total bitch the entire time she wasn’t modelling. She has been a complainer since day one. But at the beginning it was all about the weave which was worthy of complaining about. But now it is clear she is just a complainer. Period. In both my work and personal life, I hate being around people who complain constantly. She would absolutely grate on me so I’d imagine she would grate on those who had to work with her. That being said, I love being around those who snark. If she was snarking, I’d love her. But that bitch is just a Wendy Whiner. She should have gotten kicked off. I mean except for this week, her pictures haven’t been better than Jacquelines, have they? I know Jac has won an individual win and I don’t think Molly has done that.

    Thanks for another great recap!

  12. 12
    featherhead
    Posted April 16, 2011 at 7:20 am

    It just dawned on me that they didn’t make a huge deal about going to Morrocco. Every season when they go overseas there are costumes, dancers, yelling screaming, confetti…. The big “WE’RE GOING TO MORROCCOOOOOOOOO!!” What the hell happened? Tyra’s just phoning it in here. I liked Jacueline, but she wasn’t going to make it too far with that accent. Boy, I thought Molly had that puss on cause of her terrible weave, but now that it’s gone I realize she’s totally a whiner.

  13. 13
    Rach
    Posted April 16, 2011 at 8:18 am

    I cant wait until Alex goes and meets Franca Sozzani because I bet anything that her son super hottie Franco told his MOTHER about the bitch that treated him like nothing on the coffee commercial set. I can see her totally putting her down and her being gone immediately after, and i rub my hands in glee for that moment.

  14. 14
    Rach
    Posted April 16, 2011 at 8:20 am

    Also the drama with Brittani do you remember that Celia girl calling out the other girl in panel and not getting in HUGE troube for it. Tyrant is the queen of hypocrisy I know but seriously?

  15. 15
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted April 16, 2011 at 9:53 am

    After Angelea and now Alexandria booking all of their go-sees I have come to the conclusion that stank sells. Because neither model was the most “modelly” (Alexandria’s gummy, niblet-corn teeth smile is the stuff of nightmares and Angelea was….Angelea) and their affectations were visible from space, but I guess fashionistas just really like having their asses kissed. So, good for you, Alexandria!

    But next week is a recap show, so the detente between Alexandria and the rest of the girls will have to wait for another week.

  16. 16
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 16, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Valle, I think you are just bitter. :D Here, have some Tyra kool-aid. It will make you soooo happy! Just kidding, of course, but I always thought Angelea took gorgeous pictures and was surprised she didn’t make it into the finals. I don’t think she was a bad person. I think she was just insecure and not polished enough to know how to act. All of her nonsense came from defense mechanisms (and she wasn’t the only one pulling nonsense in that house either!). You can gain confidence but you can’t change your face. Ok, you can. But… oh hells bells you know what I mean. She took good pictues, is what I am saying and could learn a better attitude.

    I don’t quite understand all of the Alexandria hate, to be honest. Like I said before, she is pretty low on the bitch scale compared to a lot of previous contestants. And certainly no worse than a lot of the others in the house. I think she takes good photos. At least as good as the other no talent wannabes on the show. And she has clearly made an effort to curb her bossy attitude on set which seemed to be the only thing she ever got dinged on.

  17. 17
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 16, 2011 at 10:17 am

    And for the record, here are my top two bitches from ANTM:
    For delusional bitch – Jade, hands down.
    For cunty needs-to-get-her-ass-beat bitch – That girl who rubbed her panties on Melrose’s bed and refused to give up the phone even though she wasn’t talking to anyone. I don’t even know the skank’s name and refuse to go look it up because I am hoping she doesn’t even have a wiki entry! lol

    And for greatest ANTM alum – Elyse. I still go play her rant on you tube every once in a while. LOVE her!

  18. 18
    musicmom
    Posted April 16, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    Hannah looks like Julianne Hough, but with really stupid pigtails. Man, it’s good to get that off my chest…(and Jaclyn looked kinda Britney Spears-ish in her crazy lipstick photo.)

  19. 19
    georgiababe
    Posted April 16, 2011 at 8:37 pm

    I’m actually beginning to think that Hannah might be a serious contender to win this whole thing. I figured she would get pretty far, but I didn’t think she would win – now I think I’ve changed my mind. I doubt that Molly or Kasia will win. Alexandria might, but I have a feeling she may become the Melrose of this season. Brittani? Who knows? She might have completely ruined her chances. Hannah takes great pictures, her attitude hasn’t been called into question, she’s not plus sized (as will be Kasia’s downfall) and she’s the girl who second guesses herself, the one with low self-esteem – Ann, anyone? Tyra’s advice to her last week to believe in herself might be her way of saying, at the end “Yes, Hannah was insecure, but with my encouragement, she got stronger and stronger and took the whole thing!” It’s something she would do.

    Sad that Jaclyn had to leave, I really liked her but that picture was NOT flattering. I had perhaps had her pegged as a surprise winner, but I guess not. I guess we’ll see…

  20. 20
    jahna
    Posted April 16, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    Bummed that Jaclyn got the heave-ho, she was my favorite. Molly is nasty but will probably end up in the top two.

  21. 21
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted April 17, 2011 at 7:39 am

    Molly IS nasty and she spews venom. Definitely doesn’t have that bubbly Cover Girl personality they all love. I never had a problem with Alexandria and thought she was the prettiest from the beginning, but she is negative as well. Now, she comes across as very fake when she smiles and interacts with people. I liked her better when she wasn’t trying to change because she was more genuine before. It’s like she’s trying too hard and the contrast between her on-set persona and non-smiling confessionals are striking and obvious. It’s funny to me that she considers herself to be positive when she obviously isn’t.

  22. 22
    Lily Munster
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    I think Hanna looks like Daryl Hanna

    And YES Riker is totally HOT! =)

  23. 23
    juddfan
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    hmm, well first of all, P-baby . . . I do not judge “green” peeps who drive smart cars . . . is that what you meant!? Harrruuuummmpphh!!! LOL!

    Second, OMG, Mombi!!! Squeeeee, Return to Oz is one of my favorites ever!!! Sooo funny!!!

    I can’t believe they kept Kasha over Jackie . . . . esp after Jackie just won best photo, and her portfolio is soooo much stronger than Kasha. And it’s Kasha’s face more than her body that’s the problem. She just looks so average, and I haven’t really liked many, if any, of her photos. that said, both girls are super sweet, and it’s that stage where saying goodbye is harder. jackie was my fave, (and I thought Nigel’s) so I am quite amazed she’s gone . . . and yea, her pic wasn’t great, but you know how they do that–she seemed in great spirits, and Nigel was all smiles walking with her to set.

    I thought Nigel was at his smarmiest, but I didn’t hate those jeans he was strutting around in . . a hem.

    As I said in the mini, I’m always suspicious when the “edited” bitch ends up booking all the go-sees. Yes, Alex might have been bringing on the fake, but she was professional. Angelea, I think, was very real and easy to hang with . . . just my impression, and she had the height and body for fierce runway.

    I still think Molly and Britt, top two solid, despite the break down and the constant complaining. They are both incredible models . . . the camera loves them! Watching Molly with the bag . . . most creative, amazing poses I’ve seen off the cuff–I’d have hired her anyway . . .

    Again, I’m shocked they got rid of Jackie because the cast off’s will likely be in the final challenge too . . . I would have thought she’d be more fun to keep around etc. I also don’t know why a spokesmodel can’t have a light southern accent . . . is it me!?

  24. 24
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Is it just me or does Kasia’s mouth look like a cartoon fish mouth? You know, like a D except with the flat part on the bottom? I am distracted by it every time I see her.

  25. 25
    juddfan
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Snootchy, I am so not a fan of the extra puffed lips that, for some reason, actresses and models and whoever are getting all the time . . . . I like different looks and faces and for everyone to emulate Pamela Anderson (RH’s anyone . . . ) is just so much wrong!!! That said, agreed . . . Kasha’s mouth is particularly weak looking. She’s a pretty girl, just bland, esp in pics. I think her Bee shot was awful. I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m suggesting collagen . . . LOL!!! Sometimes the girls are stuck with naturally too puffy lips too.

    Call me crazy, but I think Alex may have puffed up her top lip a little . . . giving her that weirdish sort of look.

  26. 26
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    My favorite part of this episode was when Molly said: “There were birds everywhere!”
    Put. A. Bird. On. It. Put a bird on it!

  27. 27
    ohralphie
    Posted April 19, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Just saw Alexandrias Ford ad in People magazine. I swear, when I saw it my first thought was ‘oh, Lindsay Lohan is looking rough’ – then I realized it was Alexandria.

    Fashion worships youth above all else — Brittani is the only one that could still pass for her teens.

    Has anyone seen the documentary ‘Picture Me’? It is really an insightful look at the modeling industry, much more so then Tyras ‘remember when’ dialogues. I honestly don’t think any of these girls can cut it either emotionally or physically.

  28. 28
    HarleyQuinn Harley
    Posted April 20, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    First off, I LOVE your recaps. I’m used to reading others on here that take ages to read, and they’re worth it, but with this stupid and certainly uneventful show, shorter is better. It’s bad enough that my dreams are haunted by Tyra wearing that dumbarse SMIZE costume from a few years ago. *shudders*. Anywhore, Hannah reminds me of Analeigh from Cycle 11. A lot. LOT. LOT. And call me crazy, but I’m a fan of Alexandria’s, not for her pictures, and to be honest she is quite plain in person, but for her cutthroat attitude. Molly is just super bitter and annoying. Bless her heart.

  29. 29
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted April 27, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Hey, I saw this on my EW twitter feed: http://popwatch.ew.com/2011/04/27/top-model-all-star-edition/

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