Hi Gasmii!! Your loyal P-Baby here ready to bring you the latest episode of America’s Next Top Model. I’m in high spirits as I’m finally back home after having been on the road for the past month for work. It’s nice to be in my own living room on my big red couch eating animal crackers and manically drinking Diet Pepsi, which is just where I belong. I’m doubly excited because Scream 4 is out and no one is happier about it than me, except maybe Neve Campbell because home slice hasn’t been relevant since the late 90′s. Thirdly, I just booked my flight for my Backstreet Boys/New Kids On The Block concert event in June. Yes, folks, that’s right. I’m secretly a twelve year old.
All right kids, let’s do this bitch.
So we start off right after panel where Brittani tells us she just experience the worst day of her life in front of the judges when she mouthed off about Alexandria and had a panic attack and generally made herself look like a sobbing mess. I mentioned it in the minicap but I hope Brittani feels like a complete asshole, seeing as Japan is hell bent on shaking itself into the middle of the Earth and even if that doesn’t happen, there’s just a small nuclear meltdown going on. No big deal.
Brittani attempts to make things right with Alexandria by apologizing and admitting she handled the situation wrong. Alexandria tells us she thinks what Brittani did was almost unforgivable. I mean, I know adultery, murder, aggravated assault, and other assorted crimes obviously pale in comparison to calling someone out at a photo shoot on a reality show that no one watches, but these ladies really just need to take it down a few notches. Does no one watch the news anymore?
Long story short, Alexandria and Brittani kiss and make up. I’ll give that truce about five minutes into next week’s episode. Speaking of next week, ANTM is on at a new time, starting at 9pm rather than 8pm. I wonder why. Maybe they are getting spanked by Survivor, American Idol, Storage Wars, Star Trek: The Next Generation reruns, etc. Commander Riker is a fox. Either way, remember to set your DVRs since I know none of us are watching this shit when it’s actually airing.
The girls finally get off the bus and find themselves in a creepy dark room full of gigantic picture frames and The Banks herself. Great. Banks decides she wants to teach us more stuff, this time about model portfolios and how important they are to book jobs. Banks drones on and on and on about photos and junk and the main take away is that I’m absolutely fascinated at how easily this ho can turn a lesson about portfolios into how fucking awesome she was when she was modeling in Paris. Banks. That was twenty years, 30 pounds ago, and like a million jump suits ago. Get. The. Fuck. Over. It.
Banks reveals that the whole reason behind her lesson is because the girls will be embarking on go sees. YES! I LOVE go sees. I think my fondness for them is because the girls actually go out to real fashion establishments and we are usually treated to snarky feedback from the fashion establishment’s employees. Banks teases the girls that they’ll be going overseas by holding up a big Sesame Street C. Jaclyn thinks they are going to Cuba or China. Jesus Christ. I can’t deal with these people anymore.
Each model has a big cut out letter in her portfolio folder so the brain trust figure out they need to rearrange their letters to spell their destination.
Fucking finally, the idiots finally figure out they’re heading to Morocco. Jaclyn’s disappointed that their destination is not a Communist dictatorship. Everyone else is excited because they have no idea where Morocco is and were told by production to be happy. The catch is that not everyone is going to Morocco. One girl will be eliminated before the international trip which means she gets to avoid a serious round of immunizations.
The next morning, some random dude with a bad shave shows up at the pad and it turns out his name is Kyle Hagler, a representative from IMG models. Why are the people that always judge beauty so homely? What is that about?
He gives them the dish on what’s going down today. 4 Go Sees in Los Angeles and each Go See will have a different theme. He says archetype but thanks to Banks and this show, I fucking hate a word that I’ve never given two shits about in my life. Each model has to pack one bag of stuff that will suit the four themes of the Go Sees. They’ll have four hours to complete all the Go Sees and will be chauffeured around by a driver who’s not allowed to help them with directions. The final destination is Lana Marks salon where the top 3 of the sixth will participate in a Go See there. I know LA is a humongous vortex full of human shells but since people there have a moderate grasp on the English language, the ladies have a leg up on seasons past.
As usual, if the ladies show up late, they get disqualified. Alexandria’s pumped because she’s an LA brat and says she knows it like the back of her demon hoof. The girls get ready and run downstairs to be greeted by their driver and tricked out luxury rides for the day.
Does anyone out there not instantly judge someone driving a Smart Car?
So everyone manages to figure out that the closest Go See is Frankie B. Jeans which is the Bombshell theme. Alexandria participates in some ass-kissing there and we’re informed by the Frankie lady who’s never met an eyeliner she didn’t like that she’d definitely book Alexandria. Insert redemption arc here.
Meanwhile, after having left Frankie B. due to impatience, Molly is incessantly bitching at her driver for not being aggressive enough. I wouldn’t be aggressive on an LA highway either if a Micro Machine was the sole item keeping me from turning into roadkill.
At the Girl Next Door themed Go See, Molly reads some lines on camera and is hard-pressed to hide the bitch inside her. Meanwhile, Alexandria rocks this go see as well which only furthers my belief that she may be crazy. It’s bizarre to see just how fake she can be when it counts, but good on her for rocking her Go Sees. Not good on her for rocking these shorts.
Guys, does anyone else think the drivers are kind of hot? Because I do.
Ok so the next theme is Athletic. Athletic to Molly means nude underwear and no shoes.
Well all the girls end up making it to Lana Marks on time and Homely Hagler announces the three winners as Alexandria, Molly, and Kasia. Lana Marks shows up looking like Mary Poppins’s older, blonder, and bitchier sister. She says whoever she chooses out of the three remaining will star in her next global campaign featured in over 100 countries. They also get a knock off Angelina Jolie clutch and a gift bag of some stuff. Oh boy. With that in mind, I’d rather have a Ford.
Alexandria wins. So she can shove that clutch and goody bag in her Ford while the other girls continue to stew with hatred.
Tyra Mail decides to show its impudent little face. A modeling career is a terrible thing to waste. The next day the girls head off to a huge landfill and are greeted by Jay and Nigel. Jay looks like he can hardly keep himself from gagging on either the smell or the millions of seagulls cruising around looking for grub. The birds are definitely grosser than the trash but somehow I get the feeling that Nigel’s been to places with raunchier smells than this.
The girls are going to be wearing eco-friendly grounds (re: trashbags) designed specifically for them by this freak.
Ok, so I’m not digging the make up but the dresses are admittedly kind of awesome. The make-up looks like Mombi and that is not a bitch I’m down with.
As usual, nothing interesting happens. Like literally nothing happens to the point that I’ve noticed in Brittani’s confessionals her tank top strap is twisted on her right side. That’s how boring the photo shoot was.
Panel time, holler!
1. Alexandria. Tyra blows a a chimney full of smoke up her ass about booking all her Go Sees, winning the challenge, how great she is. What the hell is going on this episode?
2. Jaclyn. Jaclyn, on the other hand gets scolded for only making two Go Sees. I’ve decided that at certain angles, Jaclyn is not cute. And obviously my decisions are what counts around here.
3. Molly. The judges tell Molly she’s a bitch. I’m sure she already knew that.
4. Kasia. Kasia booked two of her Go Sees. The feedback is that at times she seemed forced. Which is just Go See code for, “We don’t want the fat one.”
5. Hannah. Hannah looks like someone famous and I can’t figure it out. Maybe a combination of a Portia De Rossi and a skinny version of that bitch from Lost.
6. Brittani. Tyra asks Brittani how she’s feeling, as if Banks actually cares.
Guys, Alexandria gets best photo on top of all the other good shit that happened this episode. Is she in for the win or is she being set up for failure? Who knows and who really cares? Molly and Jaclyn are in the bottom two with Jaclyn getting the heave ho before the Morocco trip. Poor Jaclyn but at least we didn’t have to see Molly cut a bitch. See you guys next week!