Well hello, ‘Gasmii! I trust this recap finds you well! Are you just about ready for Lent to be over, so you can go back to your chocolate or your wine or your Facebook? Or were you one of those virtuous sorts who was like, “I will give up complaining for Lent”? Ugh, you people. Just kidding! I’m a heathen, so I don’t know shit about Lent, and I’m just trying to be topical! (And I should really save this for next week, when Easter’s actually going to happen. I suck. In my defense, I think there’s no new show this coming week. My DVR doesn’t show a new show to record on Wednesday. FYI)
Crap, I should have gone with the Mega Millions angle. But that ends Friday night, and by the time most of you read this, that historic jackpot will be OLD NEWS, and I will have won it anyway and will quit my job and have all day devoted to writing recaps for ‘Gasm. Really, you should all be buying ME tickets, no?
Okay, enough of the topical stuff. Let’s get to it! You’re ready to talk about ANTM: British Invasion!
Last week, we lost … who was it? Oh yeah, Candace. For someone so beautiful and exotic (Intoxibella name? “Exotica”), she sure was forgettable! Who do we think is taking the fall this week? Eboni, for being so pedophile-attractor sexy? Or Seymone for not being able to use her angles? It sure won’t be Azmarie or Sophie, right?
We open in LA, with the girls coming home post-elimination. Azmarie won for the second week in a row, and she’s mostly humble about it. Like, doing the humble-brag thing, but not in an asshole way. She reminds me of the guy who just sold me my new car. Sophie sees Azmarie as her biggest competition, but she’s talking about it in a friendly way. I like to think these girls are a little friendly at this point.
Oh wait, except the whole Eboni/Kyle drama. Which is really none at all. Kyle is dead-faced and not interested in staying, except she’s actually doing well. Eboni is very spirited and really wants to be here, but so far, she no doing so good. Kyle’s just kinda “shrug” about the whole thing. Laura, the formerly-crimped, talks about how her best friend DIED a week before she came to ANTM, so it gives her a new perspective on the whole thing. I.e., she’s just happy to fucking be here.
Sad. Let’s get happy again.
Part of my Christmas haul. So happy!
(yes, more random photos this week. This time, I Googled “Random” and selected some choice photos.)
Annaliese hears the Virgin Mobile phone ringing and runs down to answer it. She just has to plug it into the TV somehow and BAM, Tyra Mail. Well, not quite. Jay Manuel Mail. Jay Mail-uel? Ugh, that was ugly.
Anyway, Jay’s message is about Toronto Fashion Week! Get your heiny-holes up to Canada!
The models will get to go on castings for real fashion designers, getting out in the real world. Everyone’s screaming with excitement. Alisha, in particular, is excited, because she loves the catwalk. (Isn’t a catwalk actually that rigging above a stage where the light engineers walk? But I think Right Said Fred changed the lexicon for us forever.) She thinks the American girls suck at catwalk.
I hate the Tyra earwax-eating shot in the opening credits! I can’t shut up about it!
Canada time! The girls head up to the CN Tower to meet Jay. It’s 8AM, by the way. Some girls look really nervous to be up so high. Sophie, in particular, has her eyes closed and appears to be praying. As Jay says, “No, you will not be doing a photo shoot while dangling from the CN tower,” Sophie visibly relaxes.
But don’t get too relaxed, girls. You’re going to go on castings now, and the girl who books the most shows will win a special prize. What is it? Some of Jay Manuel clothes! Yay? They look okay, I guess. Souvenirs for your time on the show, I suppose. Oh, and you’ll get to come back to Canada another time for a “special event.” Wait til you hear what it is, hee hee.
First casting is for Pink Tartan, run by a strange woman named Kim. She’s got a shorter haircut with big heavy bangs, which looks as weird as it sounds. She’s got a business partner with her, but it looks like she’s running the show today. She asks for very little hip swinging–she wants the girls to be mostly motionless hangers for the clothes. Seymone’s got a problem with that: “Honey, my hips swing either way. Get used to it.” Guess you’re not getting the job! Get used to THAT!
Sophie’s worried that she’s going to suck, since she apparently sucked at walking during her British season of Top Model. But she seems to be fine. In fact, Kim from Pink Tartan seems to think she’s really confident and has a great look!
Eboni’s also doing really well with her walk. Who isn’t doing well? Ashley (Not Shirley Manson) and Catharine (super-pink hair). They called Ashley “hippy.” Catharine, I think, thinks she’s a good walker. She’s apparently very wrong.
Anyway, Kyle, Laura, and Sophie were picked to walk for Pink Tartan. Hooray. Kim really wants them to have confidence, and she wants to see them walk again before the show. Sophie looks cool as a cucumber, while Kyle looks dead and nervous at the same time. Laura’s just glad she doesn’t have NO castings.
I bet this dog got a show.
Then the girls head to a giant casting for six different designers. Each one walks a very short distance from the back of the room to a table on the other side. It’s only maybe ten steps. Some look totally cheesy as they walk, staring down the table or throwing some ‘tude. I think with the walk, you need to be graceful and confident more than you have to have a fake ‘tude, right?
Annaliese is asked how tall she is, and she says she’s 5’7″ but makes up for it in personality. Which is true, I could watch her talk all day. But she doesn’t look that short compared to the other girls…but then I realize she actually IS that short. Huh. When I’m thinner, I get asked if I was a model, which makes me laugh because I’m UGLY. Well, not really. But I’m not model-pretty at ALL. I’m just tall.
So who gets casted for these designers? Eboni, Alisha, Sophie, Azmarie, Annaliese. Now the designers get out their measuring tape and really examine the girls. Who didn’t get called? Seymone, Catharine, Kyle, Laura, Ashley, and…? I thought Eboni said earlier that there were eleven of them? Well, whatever.
And on to another casting! It’s at Jay Manuel’s store. I just realized I’ve been spelling it wrong all this time. Sorry, Jay. Anyway, they’re heading to Jay’s “Attitude” store in downtown Toronto. Jay’s there, along with his runway stylist and runway casting director. They’ll help him pick girls to walk for his show. Obviously.
Alisha really wants to kick ass at this one–she really respects Jay as a mentor and loves his clothes. She walks well, as do Azmarie and Annaliese. Laura looks a little mean. Seymone? Jay really wants to use her, since she’s gorgeous and looks great in the clothes, but he says her walk is “weak.” I haven’t watched any other seasons of this show before. I assume they’re not telling us what a good walk actually is, since we’re supposed to know it after watching the previous 17 cycles? I assume it’s a walk that’s not stompy or too wiggly, but otherwise, I don’t really get it.
Kyle’s walk is so weird, though. I may not know a darn thing about walks, but I know hers is weird. I guess they like it, though, because no one in power is saying anything bad about it. But she does the dead-eye stare as she walks, and her head bobbles left and right independently of the movement of her body. It’s just…weird.
Cute little Ashley’s ready to walk, and everyone’s friendly and excited. But then she starts, and she knows she sucks and she knows they know she sucks. She feels like Bambi, and she just looks awkward. I guess that’s the trick? Who cares what you do, as long as you don’t look awkward?
Anyway, Jay chooses Azmarie, Laura, Kyle, and Sophie. Catharine really is annoyed to have not been chosen. Seymone acts like she’s totally over it.
So, this challenge that garners the winner some free clothes isn’t over until they all walk. And that’s, like, tonight. Like, NOW.
They all head back to where the show is, I guess, and the van that doesn’t contain Seymone talks shit about her. Like, she didn’t get booked for any shows and she’s maybe a bit of a loose cannon? Or, rather, that she’s just losing it. Or she just has a shitty attitude. Yeah, that last one.
Time for the girls to rehearse with Pink Tartan. A woman who seems to be in charge of how the whole thing is going, and not weird short-hair-big-bangs lady, asks some of the ANTM girls to stay behind. I think a few other non-show models are also pulled aside for this little chat, which is to tell the girls they stink and might ruin the show. As The Donald would say, “Ya fired.” Laura seems to take it harder than Kyle. But she also seems to care more than Kyle. She also seems alive, unlike Kyle.
I have no idea what that is. I didn’t look at the context. So strange.
The girls keep talking about how miserable Seymone looks, and I gotta wonder–is there not a big fucking fashion show going on all around them? Why are they even noticing mopey Seymone? Why is Jay Fucking Manuel taking time out of his pre-show prep to tell Seymone to stop moping, that she’s very pretty? This is ridiculous. I hope she gets ripped apart for this at panel.
So funny to watch the girls with the most castings walk. Sophie just looks cool and confident, in a Gwyneth Paltrow way. Eboni’s got the perfectly-still-head thing going, and Azmarie just slinks through like sex on unisex legs.
Catharine’s still whining about not being chosen at all, talking about her love for catwalk. Well, I love singing, but it doesn’t mean I’m any good at it! Know your strengths!
Doesn’t Sophie look strange with those heavy eyebrows the Pink Tartan designer wanted on her? She looks strange.
And isn’t Ashley’s accent so cute? She’s so fecking adorable!
Later, when all the Fashion Week junk is done, Azmarie’s wiping off her makeup while Catharine sincerely compliments her for how amazing she looked on the runway. It seemed like a very genuine conversation. Catharine genuinely felt that Azmarie did well, and Azmarie genuinely thanked Catharine for the compliment. I do like when people play nice.
Azmarie, meanwhile, tells us about how she kinda disappointed her mom when she came out at age 14. Her mom lost her only little girl, but Azmarie feels like modeling brings them back together in that mother/daughter way. That’s sweet. I like to think that Azmarie’s not damaged by anything her mom ever said about her sexuality or identity, and that she feels good that she can make her mom happy, even in a small-minded context like this. ya know?
Tyra Mail! Sticky and sweet and oh so delicious, their next challenge will be. “We’re shooting with candy!” Oh, maybe! And maybe not!
Ashley sits with Sophie and mopes about not getting picked for any shows. Not moping in a Seymone way, just in a “sure wish they’d liked me more” way. Sophie rubs her back. Ashley tells us about how she doesn’t want to leave, that she’s having fun. And she’s doing it “for her wee Scottish babies back home.” My god, so cute! She just wants to make her kids proud.
It’s the next day, and Jay’s having the girls meet him on some cobblestone street outside somewhere. It looks COLD. I don’t think those girls packed the right clothes for the trip. Meaning, they probably expected to stay in LA the whole time and packed LA-weight clothes. Oops! Anyway, remember that “special event” that the winner of the Fashion Week challenge gets to attend? Well, it’s a rodeo! Yay? I mean, that’s probably fun, but this is all about advertising, not an actual prize. Right?
So, onto the photo shoot. Jay explains that they’re all standing in the distillery district of downtown, as if that somehow explains the shoot better. nope! So he just tells them to go inside where it’s warm and they can get hair and makeup done.
More girls speculating that Azmarie’s going to win the whole thing. More worries from Alisha that she better step it up, because she needs to win a best photo sometime soon!
Who’s the photographer today? I know this is important information. His name is Miguel Jacobs. I just almost put that in quoties as if it were strange or something. It’s not.
The shoot theme? Being covered in leaves from the clearance bins at Michaels or AC Moore and then getting covered in organic maple syrup. Like, have pretty hair and makeup, then have some guy on a ladder pour maple syrup all over you. Some poor girls take it right in the eye, and we all know how that stings, right?
Miguel really helps the models with their posing, suggesting how they move their bodies to get good angles. Sophie goes first and is worried that the other girls are watching her to do better and better. Well, whatever. If Candace were still here, you know she’d just look bored and syrupy. Just because you’re pretty doesn’t mean you will have a good picture.
Laura’s sitting in a makeup chair, taking deep breaths and looking wretched. Why? Poor thing, she’s thinking about her friend that died a few weeks ago. Sophie cuddles with Sad Laura first, and then Annaliese comes by to dab at her mascara tears. These girls are sweet, I really do like when they’re nice to each other.
Laura looks amazing for her shoot, by the way. She’s one of those girls who just looks weird in real life but looks fucking amazing in a modeling shot. Her and Kyle and Alisha. Annaliese does great animalistic poses.
Not Annaliese. I’m not that race-blind.
Ashley? Well, she gets a SHIT-TON of syrup on her face and gamely tries to blink her way through the shoot without smiling too hard. I’d not have the same composure. After they’re all done, Jay asks if she misses her babies, and she says he shouldn’t ask her that. But she also says that her mom told the kids that the longer mommy’s gone, the better she’s doing. AWWWW. That’s cute. That also means she’s going home this week. It’s pretty clear.
I hope you don’t mind that i’m not transcribing everything people say for every second of the show. Basically, for this next part, people are posing and that guy is taking photos and Jay is complimenting them.
And when the men gush over Seymone’s shoot, I can’t help but shudder about how naughty it sounds when they go “ooooh”. About shit oozing on her face. Gross.
Back to LA!
And it’s time for panel! We have Kelly Cutrone, we have Nigel, and we have Beverly Johnson, the very first black woman on the cover of Vogue magazine. (Honestly, I wasn’t paying attention last week during the previews and I thought to myself, “I didn’t know Betsey Johnson was black? Huh, how about that.” That’s because that’s not Betsey Johnson, ya doofus. TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. With different names and everything.)
Alisha: Her photo looks pretty great, if you ask me. I like it. Kelly wants Alisha to model more, to put more oomph into her shots. She cites an apparent disconnect in body and face. Connect ‘em, Alisha!
Sophie: Tyra’s impressed that Sophie booked 50% of her “go-sees”. And everyone’s pretty impressed with her photo. She looks amazing. Her eyes, her cheekbones, everything. She’s one of the few people who can pull off the no-eyebrow look.
Catharine: Tyra asks in a mostly sympathetic but a little judgmental tone about how Catharine booked zero go-sees. Catharine says, “I think I have a good walk, they just wanted…” and then the tears start. Tyra looks down and says, “okay.” And you can’t tell if she’s annoyed that Catharine’s crying or doesn’t handle emotion well, or… My boss will do the same thing, the “okay” when someone does something totally inappropriate in a meeting. So was Tyra thinking this was inappropriate? Funny to watch this through my own lens when none of you know my boss and don’t care! Kelly asks, “Are you honest about your walk?” Fair question. Anyway, her photo is actually quite good. Nigel loves it.
Ashley: No go-sees either. And she said her walk was “happy.” Happy, like skipping and such? No, HIPPY. Moving her hips too much. OH! Nigel says that Ashley’s got fear in her eyes when she’s standing there, about to be judged, which makes sense…but that this fear shows in her eyes when she’s photographed too. She needs to cool it with that!
Annaliese: Fierce! They love her pose and her bone structure!
Laura: She booked two shows at Fashion Week but was bumped from Pink Tartan. “What’s up with that?” Tyra asks. Laura handles this really well, saying that the woman was very protective of her baby, and if she’d worked that hard on something, she’d want something more perfect for it too. Or something like that. Very diplomatic. Another model could have been like, “Oh, that lady was too picky” and really made herself look bad. Her photo is stunning, really. And when asked about why her face was a little intense, she talks about her dead friend. This, too, could have been handled really poorly, but Laura has poise, believe it or not. Well done.
Kyle: So she looks somewhat like Uma, and my BF says she reminds him of Jennifer Carpenter, too–you know, Dexter’s sister. I see it. Anyway, she looks pretty in the photo, and her waist is tiny (“You have my old waistline,” says Beverly). But her pose is kinda weird. Like she has her hand up to her eyes in some weird way for seemingly no purpose. BUT Kelly sees good modeling in her, so whatever.
Azmarie: she’s wearing those silly harem pants and an acid-wash jean jacket. When called forward, she does a stutter-step Hammer dance to make ‘em laugh. And her photo? It’s pretty great. Though I laugh a little at the leaf stuck to her scalp like those flowers you pin to a newborn baby girl’s head so everyone stops asking what his name is. Beverly loves the tattoos and the angles. The BF says this is his favorite photo of the week, but he thinks they don’t give her the win because she’s already won two in a row and they don’t want her getting cocky. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Sorry.
Seymone: Nigel thinks this is the best beauty shot of the day. Her face is gorgeous, he says. Beverly compliments Seymone’s knowledge of her own body, knowing where to place her hand and everything. It’s a very pretty photo but it doesn’t do a thing for me.
Eboni: She tied with Sophie for the go-sees, which is impressive to the panel. And her photo? It’s gorgeous. She’s got her arms raised akimbo to her skull, which sounds horrible but actually looks great. She doesn’t look like she’s trying too hard to be sexy. Her body looks great. It’s just good. Kelly compliments her, citing Matisse and how in Paris they call young, exotic, beautiful girls “matisse” with an extra syllable “-ey” at the end. I saw someone somewhere else explain what this ACTUALLY means, and how it’s not how Kelly explained it, but still, that’s nice. It’s all nice.
Time for the panel to talk all about it all. Sophie is at the top. They think Alisha’s not bringing enough energy to her shoots. Catharine is regal and serene, but she needs to do better with the verb of modeling. Ashley looks too scared. Kelly wouldn’t be able to sell a scared-looking model. Annaliese’s “presenter” personality is so very strong. She sells her look with that personality. Kyle is dead. Seymone is beautiful, and Azmarie’s getting cocky (though she kinda earned it). Eboni is starting to pull ahead from her formerly too-sexy dumping ground.
Time to imperiously hand out photos!
Eboni wins! She had the most go-sees and really did a nice job in her photos. Azmarie is second. Next, is it a Brit or a Yank? It’s a Brit! Sophie! Then Seymone. Then Laura and Kyle.
Now there are four Brits left. Alisha’s next. My LOL of the night is when Tyra drones, “Dead eyes….no spiiiiice.” HA! Annaliese is next. So it’s down to Ashley and Catharine. You know it’s Ashley, right?
It’s Ashley. Everyone tears up because Ashley’s so cute. Well, I’m sure they have other reasons, but that’s why *I* teared up! Tyra tells Ashley to look into becoming a presenter when she gets back home. Ashley makes a “Whatchoo talkin’ about, Willis?” face at that, but everyone agrees. Big hugs for Ashley. She’s a prettier girl in person than she is in photos. That’s a good thing. Work with that, Not Shirley Manson. I’ll miss ya!
And that’s that.
Next week! There’s some shenanigans with people throwing other people’s shit into the pool. Laura looks particularly pissed off about it. Then they’re making a music video. That’s all I know! Come back next week to talk about it, please! (Please?)