ANTM: Goodbye, Kitty.

Well hello, ‘Gasmii!!  It’s ANTM time, and it’s time to see just how far those Brits are going to invade. WOW, that sounds dirty, and I’m only half a cocktail in. Well, you’re welcome, let’s go.

Last week, Sophie won best picture (remember her tigress-on-the-prowl pose atop the Estelle dinner table?), and Hi, I’m Kyle went home. I think everyone’s breathing a sigh of relief to have that zombie out of the house.

Hi! I’m Kyle!

Is anyone else getting those super annoying Verizon ads with the mom and daughter sobbing unintelligibly?  I hate those ads, a lot. I don’t know about your local CW, but mine played that commercial during every single break. Funny, since Virgin Mobile is a paid sponsor!

I don’t think we get a shot of the girls freaking out over the giant box of TJ Maxx clearance items, but we do see Alisha and Eboni super-studying Sophie’s winning shot. Alisha’s separating out Sophie’s eyes from the shot, really analyzing what Soph’s got that Alisha wants. One thing she wants?  Sophie to stop being greedy. She’s apparently already got a good modeling contract in the UK. Now she wants these other two that ANTM are offering?  How rude of Sophie to want more success!

Alisha’s talking a lot about her family and how hard her parents work, and I’m like, “oh shit, she’s going home this week.” One thing I’m learning?  The ANTM editors work differently from the other Bravo shows I usually cover. You can tell who’s going home based on the edits–learn more about someone? It’s their last night. It only took me eight episodes, but I’m finally learning how ANTM editing works.

Sorry I keep having to resort to cat photos. It’s really hard to get show shots anymore. Also, the cats killed the Elf on the Shelf.

Well, whatever!  Tyra Mail! It’s about getting your stride.  So it’s about gum?  Cool!

Oh, we’re not done with the mail yet. Little Martin Lindstrom (remember him from the commercial shoot challenge?) pops up on the screen, explaining to the girls that they’ll have to use their new “first impression” experience again in this challenge. He has some personal reminders for all the girls. Oh, here’s Tyra’s intoxibella branding at work again.

Sophie?  Be cute and bubbly. Eboni, be young and not arrogant. Seymone, have more confidence about being plus-sized. (Don’t you know you’re the savior of all plus-sized women?? Act like it!) Alisha, be fierce and not afraid.  Wait, where’s Laura and Annaliese’s advice?  I guess they’re not A) winning or B) going home tonight.

So this big ol’ gum challenge?  Turns out it’s a fashion cat-walk challenge. OH.  (Just kidding, I’m not THAT dumb or drunk. I just like to have fun!)  This super-duper event that Little Martin was talking about is at the Bevery Hills Hotel. I should have said THE Beverly Hills Hotel. We’ve all seen it if we’ve watched TV for more than 10 hours in our lives. Pretty cool!

Oh, and there’s Kelly Cutrone, waiting by the pool. She’s got less of a Tim Burton vibe going on this week, at least. But still kinda scary in ugly fashion booties and skinny jeans. If I were her, I’d opt for more of a flowy pant.

The girls quake in THEIR booties a little, since Kelly’s never really been all that nice to any of them, and especially not since their little very.com shoot, when she ripped Annaliese a new one for being a weak leader.  And I notice that when she’s reading lines, she’s bobbing her head like a pecking chicken. I don’t think she does this when she speaks extemporaneously. It must be an “ACTING!” thing. It’s like an emphatic nod on crack.

She gives a speech about the Beverly Hills Hotel and about the fashion show the models are going to audition/walk for.  It’s the Dorchester Collection Fashion Prize. And the Chairperson of the Dorchester Collection, Bronwyn Cosgrave, is standing nearby. That is the WASPiest name I have EVER heard. It’s gotta be made up. I’m naming my next cat Bronwyn Cosgrave. Holy shit.

Yep, now I’m mining more Christmas cat photos. I really owe you an apology.

The models have the opportunity to actually open the show for one of several designers participating in the Dorchester Collection Fashion Prize show. As Sophie says, “That’s major.” Models who open shows gotta be awesome.  Then Bronywn starts meowing and licking her lady parts. Oh wait, that’s a few years in the future when I get that cat. I mean, she starts naming all the fashion names that’ll be at this show. Some guy from Calvin Klein (am I supposed to know who he is without Googling it? I don’t read Vogue), some ladies from Marchesa, etc. The model who opens the show for the designer who wins this Fashion Prize?  She gets a two-night stay at one of the world-famous Dorchester hotels. Nice!

Laura looks beautiful with all that dumb blonde hair tucked back into that hat.

I’m trying to figure out why Catharine’s hair looked so washed out earlier and now looks so dark. I guess they colored it again recently?  Or did they do all these interviews back when her hair was freshly dyed in the first place?  When these events she’s talking about didn’t happen yet?  That doesn’t make any sense, it must be a re-dye. Why didn’t they redo Sophie’s?  Or Laura’s awful roots?
All the girls are nervous about this booking, since some of them didn’t book any shows last time around. That’d be Seymone and Catharine. I think all the others had their shot?  Remember Catharine saying she loves catwalk and being a little torn up by Kelly suggesting she be more honest with herself?  Try to remember.

So now, basically, they just keep walking for each designer. As you all probably know, each designer has their own idea of how the women should move as they walk. Like, some prefer the girls to be more stiff, some allow a little loosey-goosiness.  Kelly’s sitting RIGHTTHERE in a director’s chair, grimly watching the entire procedings.

Alisha seems to be impressing the first group right away, a pair of jewelry designers from Mexico City. They have huge statement pieces that they want to combine with a menswear look. Also, they want Alisha to carry a cage that’s in the shape of a briefcase. Okay. A statement on the ol’ office job being a cage. Got it.

I’m sorry.

There’s Catharine!  She looks great!  Until she falls!  Oh no. The designers ask if she’s okay, and she tries to mostly walk it off, but it IS embarrassing and hard to recover from (physically), and her shot is gone. Also, her hair is light right now. I’m confused!

The next designer’s got some sort of 1960′s design vibes going on, and I love it!  It’s very Megan Draper, except for Sophie’s white pant suit.

Kelly’s mocking the girls for being so serious while they walk. She says Eboni looks like a robot on Oxycontin, and she tells Laura to stop being so serious, “it’s only fashion.” I thought Eboni’s walk was good!  Oh, and Seymone’s got a wild case of arm swagger, gets called out for it a few times. She needs to do that to balance those hips!  I couldn’t walk straight with my arms at my sides!  (Next time I get up to pee, I’m going to try! I’ll report back.)

One of the designers talks about having lived in England previously, in Oxford. Sophie bats her eyelids and giggles about how she went to little girls’ school there. Alisha gives a death glare. She hates the fake shit, thinks Sophie just needs to act like herself.

Oh! Sophie’s hair is really pink again in the interview!  She’s mocking Seymone’s wavy-arms. Oh, remember that Seymone’s never modeled before. Did we hear that before?  We hear it all the time this episode, and it feels like it’s new information to me. Have I not been paying attention as I painstakingly write these every week? She gives a shit-look at Kelly after being told AGAIN about the arm-swinging. Poor girl. She’s pretty, but how’d she end up here, again?

The girls are good, they’re trying to tell Seymone some good advice, which is that her attitude sucks and she’s going to regret acting like a pissy-pants. Of course this advice is lost on Miss PissyPants, who wants to sulk all day long. Fine. Ya suck.

Punkin does a GREAT stoner face.

hahahah

Kelly comes to the hair/makeup area to announce to the girls who’s walking what show. Specifically, who’s OPENING what show. Alisha’s going to open the statement jewelry/cage briefcase show. Man, she’s so pretty. I love Alisha. Annaliese is opening for the guy with the garden dresses that I hadn’t yet mentioned. (There’s a guy who made garden-looking dresses.) Annaliese is super-excited, since she always thought she was more of a commercial model, but hey, she can be high-fashion too!

Sophie’s opening two shows, actually. One for the guy who used to live in Oxford and one for the Megan Draper designer. Cool!  And there’s that Marshall Mathers childhood photo, ha!

The other girls didn’t get picked (or as Eboni says, “Didn’t get chose”) to open any shows, but they’ll walk. So off to hair and makeup they go!

The judges of the Dorchester Collection show arrive backstage to check everything out.  I think each ANTM girl is given one name to say out loud from the script. There’s this guy and that editor and that designer and that guy. It doesn’t become important later who they are, so I’m not going to frustrate myself with trying to read the captions before the DVR bar completely obscures it on my screen. Cool?

Oh, that’s fun, the models get to ask the judges questions about the biz!  Catharine asks how much personality plays into the whole thing (rather than just looks). Laura jokes to us that they’re talking to the fashion mafia, that she worries about a stiletto being thrown at her head. Har har. Or maybe the joke should be something about wearing concrete stilettos?

Another reason why I love Alisha?  She’s super competent. She talks about how all these important people are sitting out there in the audience, which freaks her out, except…she puts on the clothes, gets into character, and doesn’t give a shit. She’s like a honey badger on the catwalk. Even with that stupid cage briefcase.

I found ONE show shot!

She looks great. So does Sophie and Laura and Catharine. Seymone? Well, she had trouble fitting her Flintstone feet into sandals earlier, and now she’s just slapping down the runway like a college girl heading to the dorm shower. Your arms, Seymone, COME ON.
It makes me LOL when the one designer is like, “Sophie is very dynamic.” She is?  Looks like she’s robot-walking down the runway, if you ask me. But I’m the n00b, DON’T ask me.

Finally, we learn who wins this big ol’ award I’ve never heard of before tonight. Who is it?  Well, it’s Alisha!  Because the two Mexican women with the briefcase cage won the prize!  So they win, they get $40K, and Alisha gets two nights in a swanky hotel.

I’m not ready to show you MY face, but here I am holding my little boy, who looks PISSED. It makes me laugh every time I see this photo. That death glare.  And I’m all “HI!” right next to him. Hahahaha.

No time to rest on your laurels, Alisha, it’s time to get into the next challenge!  Which is the photo challenge!  Which is something that has to do with the word “purr-fect.”  oh, they’re posing as cats. Like, whiskers drawn on their cheeks with eyeliner like you do on Halloween in first grade. Cool! Now THAT’s what I call a challenge! The girls speculate that they’ll be working with tigers or lions. Psshhhh, come on, don’t be ridiculous.

Then they walk into the studio where they’re going to shoot and…oh, it’s Hello Kitty!  haha, sike, you thought I thought they were going to pose as kitties with eyeliner whiskers. Duh! We saw this in the preview!  It’s Hello Kitty Couture!

Hi, Mr. Jay!  Who’s our photographer?  Some 16 year old girl who won a contest with Seventeen magazine!  Anne He! That’s actually pretty cool for her, what a prize. Some designer spends three months designing Hello Kitty dresses just for this shoo, and she wins a prize with Seventeen just to do this shoot. ANTM is a big fucking deal, y’all.

I think I like Catharine’s dress the most. It’s a one-of-a-kind dress made from Hello Kitty dominoes, HK slap bracelets, and HK lip glosses with charms dangling from the lid. There’s actually an Elizabethan collar created out of lip gloss, which is pretty amazing, and which suits Catharine pretty well.  Her shoot looks great, considering how little I know about what posing looks like in final photos. Something about angles and negative space and lines.  Jay likes how she works.

Then it’s Alisha in some HK padded shortie kimono dress with lace-up arm braces and a big ol’ HK whip. Yep! A Hello Kitty whip. Alisha’s confidence is way up with everything lately, so she enjoys the shoot and really kills it.

Sophie was in a bubble dress with a bubble helmet thingie, and she kept doing this swimmie little move with her arms. Her mouth was a little sex-doll, if you ask me. I LOVE the photographer for this shoot, because she’s a 16 year old who knows her shit. “She didn’t really bring any clear ideas to the shoot.” HA!

Annaliese is wearing a basket on her head and some froufy HK gear. She’s posing a bit like a lady having lunch in a Matisse painting. Oh, except she’s got Hello Kitty faces on her tits.

Seymone’s got a HUUUUUUUGE hairpiece to wear. It’s like three times the size of her BODY and it’s affixed to her head. I’m sure it doesn’t feel good, and if there had been any question of that, Seymone answers for us that it definitely is NOT comfortable. She looks sooo whiny about it. Jay asks why she’s so whiny, and tells her that fashion is never comfortable.

So her shots mostly have to do with her standing there, pissy, having just removed her hands from her stupid hairpiece. Anne He tries to vavoom Seymone’s shoot, and it falls totally flat. Poor young girl.

Then Laura’s doing this strange, old-lady, “I can’t see what the price of this Metamucil is” face as she poses. I guess that’s her zag. She does other strange poses, and it’s fine. I mean, the girl’s wearing a dress layered with lunchboxes. Can’t be fun. She looks great, though.

Eboni looks terrible. I’m sorry, but doesn’t she?  She’s wearing this padded ensemble up around her shoulders and head. I would think she’d want to do some cutesy (but sexy) Shirley Temple-ish poses or something, but instead, she just kinda awkwardly mugs and leans. She’s like a thin, black, young Stay-Puft in a skirt. it’s very awkward.

All done!  Let’s go to the house! Where we see the ol’ “Tyra Death Mail” thing.  I think Sophie, Catharine, and Laura all had touch-ups done for their hair. GOOD. Don’t give ‘em pink hair and abandon them, CW!  There’s some chatter about who’s going home, how many girls are left, etc. The Brits toast to their wish that Eboni get eliminated. Nice!

Panel!

Let’s cut the shit. Judges this week are our usual Tyra (duh), Nigel, and Kelly. The guest judge this week is Georgina Chapman, our resident Angelina Jolie/Megan Fox lookalike. Oh, also half of the head of Marchesa.

How’d they do?

Seymone’s photo is boring. She’s just kinda standing there with her arms out. Sure, she’s wearing an enormous kimono with stuffed things sewn to it, holding an enormous lantern and wearing an enormous headpiece. But still, girl, ya gotta work it!

Laura did fine. Nigel called out her back bends, but not because it appears to be a problem. It’s just her pattern.

Eboni’s photo is super-boring. She’s just standing there, hands on her shoulders. Her legs are boring, her face is boring. It’s boring. They tell her to stop making fierce-face during her shots, to think of her face as having been anesthetized. I LOL when my death-metal-loving boyfriend asks, “Is she the one who’s always smoochy-tooching?”  Yes, honey, she is! Now I know he actually pays attention, wow.

Catharine’s shot is kinda cool–she’s mid-leap, but her arms are kinda blah. Her face and eyes are really strong and look great.

Alisha’s photo is awesome. She’s standing in a sumo squat kinda pose, whip above her head, ready to be cracked. Her face is awesome. Her face is relaxed and fierce at the same time. Nigel says, “This is the best photo I’ve seen of you yet,” and Alisha nods, “I know,” with a soft snicker. Love her!

Sophie did okay, but they didn’t love her face.  And that’s about all they have to say.

Annaliese’s shot is funny, because she’s shot from the side, up on her toes, but draped back. It’s as if she’s got a sling wrapped around her armpits, holding her up in a drape. It’s interesting. Nigel doesn’t love her face in that shot, though. Her tooch looks great, I think!

And now the judges need to figure out who the “goodbye kitty” is. Catharine?  Okay shot, not so great walk at the fashion show. Seymone, rude at the fashion show and not a great shot.  Oh, and flopsy walk. Alisha, fucking awesome. That’s it.  Laura, interesting but not interesting enough. Eboni is boring. And WTF with Kelly feeling like Eboni was “dissing them” by not wearing her ponytails to the fashion shoot. She can’t look young without having pig-tails? THAT is the key to the fountain of youth?  Shit, I’ll wear pigtails to work on Monday, if that’s what it takes. Ladies, wear pigtails! All the time! Sophie is fine. Great at the show, photo’s okay. Annaliese is on the bubble a little, too. They like her, but she’s inconsistent.

That was a big paragraph. Sorry.

They’ve made a decision!  Who wins?  Alisha!  Yay! She fucking rocks. Second up? Catharine, right?  No!  Sophie. Really?  ugh.  Catharine is #3.  Fine. Then Laura, and then Annaliese. That leaves Eboni and Seymone on the bottom two. Just as God intended.
So who’s going home?  Since Seymone’s such a pain in the ass, I bet it’s her. That ‘tude has GOT to go. And it does!  It goes!  It goes home!  Eboni is warned to wear those damn pigtails all the time. ugh, just go home. That’s unrealistic and it’s a tenuous thread holding you here. Just go.

I kinda hate the Tyra speech to Seymone at the end. Why does Seymone have to represent the bigger girl to all other bigger girls?  Why can’t she just be Seymone?  It rubs me the wrong way to expect one girl to represent and elevate an entire population of people, ya know?

Poor Seymone is in tears when doing her final interview, and it seems like she’s upset to have been eliminated. I’m confused by that, I guess, because she seemed pretty miserable and wasn’t doing any good. So, huh about that. And then she is totally fucking fed up with interviewing and tells them she wants to leave, she just wants to leave, can she leave??   Yes, she leaves.

I’m kinda in a bad mood as I’m finishing up this recap (if you can tell, I’m sorry), and I LOL when they play Seymone’s “Hey, gurl, hey, I’m Seymone, and I ain’t no clone. This pot ledom body is US grown!” (Confession, I sang this line all this past weekend.)

Anyway, that’s that for this week!  Next week, we’re in for more drama between Eboni and the group (mostly Laura). They travel to Asia and have to do a photo shoot with silk worms. yuck.  See you then!

Stop Drop and Tooch! (video)

 

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