ANTM: He said Wang. Heh.

Hi Gasmii! P-Baby here, on a sugar high from scarfing about 23 miniature peanut butter pumpkins that I’ve been hiding from my husband in my closet.  See Gasmii, he too loves him some peanut butter pumpkins but as I’ve already been scolded once to stop buying Halloween candy for the sake of the waistline, I had to take matters into my own hands and stash my contraband outside of the kitchen cabinets.  Since he is too busy rooting for the SF Giants and Brian Wilson’s terrorist beard right now, he has no idea his sweet little wife is pecking away at her chocolate stained keyboard in the living room surrounded by a mountain of candy wrappers.  Bottom line: I freaking love chocolate, Halloween, and let’s do this thing!

Last episode, Kacey was kicked off and the villagers rejoiced.  The rejoicing continues on the bus ride immediately after the elimination.  We find out Kendal is all sorts of awesome, only giving Kacey a courtesy handshake and a moderate  head nod on her way out.  Now that’s what I’m talking about.  Don’t hug a bitch and cry upon her elimination if you clearly want to shave off her eyebrows in her sleep.  I’m surprised the group didn’t go all Pumkin on Kacey, hocking loogies on her as she walked out the door.  I guess we’ll leave those shenanigans for the losers over at VH1.

Esther starts yapping about how she is pumped to still be on ANTM but needs to stay true to who she is.  I’ve got to admit, when Esther first joined the cast I thought they were going to make a way bigger deal about her being a modern Orthodox Jewish girl but the focus on that has been minimal, thus I don’t find this little segment annoying.  Esther is goofy, down to earth, and a dark horse in the competition and I wouldn’t be upset to see her make her way towards the final.  Anyway, Esther has to make sure everything she eats in the house is kosher, which should be easy since the girls aren’t exactly cooking Thanksgiving feasts everyday.  We’ve seen Ann not consuming Ramen noodles, a “BBQ” with no actual food served, and Esther with a PBJ.  I guess one of the rules is that she can’t cook cheese and meat on the same thing which is a total bummer.  I don’t know the rules, Gasmii.  Can she eat meat and cheese together afterwards, a la cheeseburgers, tacos, etc?  Because I’m pretty sure I’d perish if the answer was no.  I love cheese and processed cold cuts almost as much as I love refined sugary treats.

Tyra Mail!  ”Sometimes you have to perform a duet before you get your big solo.”  I guess that one makes a little more sense than messages in episodes past.  Gasmii Poll:  What’s your favorite duet?  Mine is I‘ve Had The Time of My Life because I’m a closet cheeseball that watches Dirty Dancing whenever it is on TV.

The girls are bused to the Grammy museum in LA and they get all touristy ogling costumes and other artifacts worn by famous musicians like Michael Jackson and Gwen Stefani.  The slutty green dress that J Lo wore to the Grammys is also there but I refuse to call her a famous musician.  Isn’t it funny that J Lo got super famous after wearing a hooker dress mainly because everyone was waiting with baited breath to see if her ladybits were going to be put on display.  Only a few years later, Lohan, Hilton, and Spears made ladybit peepshows common place and were deemed out of control starlets.  I guess it is OK to be a skank if you do it on stage in front of millions but less OK if you are coked out in the back of a limo.

Jay introduces the girls to Neil Portnow who is the President and CEO of the Recording Academy.   Screw Basketball Wives and slutty sluts like Jasmine Waltz who hooks up with Jesse McCartney.

He informs them that every year, some losers from the recording academy pick a bunch of hos to hand out Grammys to the winning artists and this year, one of these models is going to be blessed with the honor.  As much as I think to myself each year that the Grammys have gone down hill and don’t really mean anything anymore with that crap that gets nominated (cough, Katy, COUGH, Britney, FUCKING COUGH, Jonas Brothers) I’d still piss myself with excitement at the potential opportunity to dry hump Justin Timberlake, assuming he can take time out from his “acting” career and make an appearance.

The ladies are split into teams of two to pick outfits and given the challenge of dressing each other for a Grammys award show in order to convince Neil they have the right idea of how to be a Grammy girl.  Perhaps the girls need some style inspiration from Grammy nominees past.

Jay sends the models off to a style house in LA known as the Chic Little Devil where they will have ten minutes to pick out an entire ensemble, accessories and all, for their partner.  As much time as I spend sitting on my couch in my Penn State t shirts and Halloween pajama pants, I know that ten minutes is not a lot of time to pick out an outfit from top to bottom.  Jay and Neil will pick the winning team from the four pairs, and from the winning pair, one will be selected as a Grammy slut.  The pairs consult each other with what they want the each other to pick out at the style house and is anyone surprised that Ann wants something Victorian looking?  Why can’t she just be normal?

At Chic Little Devil, the models are overwhelmed with the amount of selection and lack of time to get through it all.  Up first are Chelsey, Kayla, Chris and Esther picking stuff out for Ann, Liz, Kendal, and Jane respectively.  Chelsey seems to move quickly, but Liz’s desire for a ball gown gets tossed out the window by Kayla who instead selects a pretty awesome pair of black sequined pants.

Kendal, Jane, Liz, and Ann go in next and Jane totally warms my cold, cold heart when she talks about her concern for Esther’s giant funbags fitting into a dress, saying she has no idea what having boobs is like.  Word.

Liz gets pissed that Kayla disregarded what she asked for but Liz, STFU.  You would look like an ass clown at the Grammys in a poofy ball gown.  You are not Penelope Cruz at the Oscars.  You are a Z-list reality “star”.  Put on your stupid sequined pants and deal with it.  And also, the phrase is maintain your composure.  Not contain.  Ass.

Now here is a girl with something to be pissed about.  Ann has picked out a size 12 dress for Chelsey.  Jesus titty-fucking Christ Ann.  Not only is that about 8 sizes too big, but the dress itself is fugly.  There is no way Ann can be that dumb, is there?

Liz and Kayla are up first and both definitely look about as Grammy ready as anyone else that traipses down the red carpet drunk and not nominated.  Neil asks the girls if they’ve seen the Grammys at home and Liz says she records the show on VHS and rewatches them all the time.

Chris and Kendal come out next, and while they look fine, they don’t look like they are ready to solicit the attention of Lil Wayne or any other famous ex-convict rap star.  Well, Chris maybe, as her vagina is about to come out and introduce itself to Jay, Neil, and the rest of the viewing public.

Next up are Jane and Esther who are apparently on their way to their younger brother’s high school graduation and just made a pit stop to say what up to Neil.  Next.

Chelsey and Ann are last and Jay is digging Ann’s outfit.  He compliments her but fails to mention the fact that Chelsey is the one that selected everything.  He also scolds Chelsey for not loving her hideous outfit that doesn’t fit.  He doesn’t mention a damn thing about Ann totally fucking her team mate and instead makes it seem like Chelsey is in the wrong.  Over it.

As suspected, Liz and Kayla deservedly win.  Kayla is ultimately selected as the Grammy girl which means that the Jonas Brothers are safe another year from deflowering.  I’m happy for Kayla but I am growing weary of the sleeping bag until 13 or 14 shit.  Liz is upset and drowns her sorrows in white wine back at the house.  I guess I feel for her.

Tyra Mail!  ”Sometimes being labeled can be a good thing.”  Really?  Ok, I’ll play this game.

For the photoshoot, the models arrive at Smashbox studios, greeted by Jay again.  I guess everyone else on this show is taking the day off.  No Nigel, Andre, Tyra, Miss J in sight and it’s refreshing.  Normally I love me some Nigel but we needed a time out after his To Catch a Predator hugs in the Walmart aisle display last week.

Jay talks to the girls about how being a model means understanding every designers’ fashion aesthetic.  They don’t know what aesthetic means so blank stares ensue as Jay continues to ramble that the ladies will be portraying iconic fashion designers in their photos alongside another professional model wearing the portrayed designer’s clothing.  Here to help is famous Vogue Italia fashion consultant and stylist Rushka Bergman.  Rushka’s forehead comes out to greet the girls but I don’t think I’m going to make fun of her because she is charming and I quite like her accent and enthusiasm.

Another established fashion photographer is here to help and to my pleasant surprise it’s not some saggy balled octogenarian but a an uber cute young Italian named Francesco Carrozzini.  How you doin’?

So this recap is already taking longer than usual as I just spent ten minutes Googling who this hot piece of cannoli ass is and where I can stalk him who he’s dating, etc.  Maybe Banks realized how gross her noted Nigel was last episode and decided we needed a change in photog eye candy.  Anyway, as I make moon eyes over his accent, Rushka assigns designers.  Esther gets Balmain, Kayla Vivienne Westwood, Kendal Vera Wang, Liz John Galliano, Chelsey Carolina Herrera, Chris Betsey Johnson, Ann Alexander Wang, and Jane Marc Jacobs.  I don’t think Liz will have any trouble portraying a flamboyant dude but Kendal may struggle portraying a short, Asian woman.

In hair and make up, Jay quizzes Liz on what she knows about John Galliano.  Liz doesn’t have time to know who John Galliano is with two jobs and a kid and food stamps and eyebrow piercings.  Sometimes I want to punch Liz.  I have a job and will be the proud owner a pet turtle soon but I still know who John Galliano is.  Get off your high horse and read a magazine once in awhile.  It’ll be good for you and maybe you’ll see that models tend to not stick jewelry through their faces.  For not knowing who John is, Liz does surprisingly well, but partially because she kind of looks like a guy already.

Chelsey nails Carolina Herrera which is not difficult to do as she just needs to wear a white collared shirt with a blonde updo.  They Chelsey to look less haughty but overall, she gets the photo right.  Francesco tells Chelsey she’s done very good work and she flirts back that he can call her Carolina.  He can call me Hey You so long as I get a piece of that.

Chris is up next as Betsey Johnson who is probably the easiest designer to emulate.  Slap a blonde ratty wig on the bum down the street, tell them to jump, they are probably going to somewhat resemble Betsey.  Chris still does pretty well for herself though and I’m actually surprised she’s lasted this long.

Kendal is up next as Vera Wang.  Kendal has no idea how to pose as Vera Wang.  Francesco tries to guide her but she continues to look exactly the same.   Which is like a model in a black dress but definitely not Vera Wang.  Bye Kendal.

Kayla is dolled up like the crazy and fabulous Vivienne Westwood and nails the shoot.  Vivienne Westwood looks like she is someone’s kooky grandma that you only see on All Hallow’s Eve where she plies her grandkids with fabulous home made costumes and a recipe book of potions.  And candy.

Jane’s turn and she’s bearded up like Marc Jacobs.  Marc Jacobs is a handsome devil.  Anyway, what the hell?  Jane is too pretty to be wearing pubes on her face.  There wasn’t another female fashion designer out there?  Donatella maybe?

Ann goes after Jane and is supposed to portray Alexander Wang.  Again, what the hell?  Is there a distinguishable characteristic I’m missing?  Dude is a small Asian in a white t shirt.  That could be approximately one of  like 2 billion people on earth. I could walk past him on the street and I’d probably just ask him where he’d recommend I get my take out Lo Mein dinner from.  The idiots behind the camera still gush about Ann and it is tiresome.

Esther is supposed to look like House of Balmain designer Christophe Decarnin.  Who? The fuck? Is that?

In the backstage portion, we find out that Tyra had the hots for Nigel when she first met him.  First of all, ew.  And second, take a number lady.

Tyra, in her uniform of one-shouldered dress, arm flab, tights, and heels welcomes the girls to panel.  Francesco and Nigel are sitting next to each other on panel and my head might explode from photographer hotness.  Seriously Francesco has some bedroom eyes and I’m loving every second of it.  Has it been this long that someone attractive other than Nigel has been on this show?  And I’m not counting the male models because they are talentless idiots.  I mean someone actually attractive with more than two brain cells and skilled at something.

Kayla faces the panel first and her best shot is great.  I’d like Kayla so much more if she didn’t tell me she is a lesbian with no bed every fifteen seconds.

Liz goes next and Andre compliments her outfit.  Andre is wearing his typical organza Snuggie and it makes me wonder how he feels like he’s allowed to give fashion compliments when he wears a blanket as outerwear.  Oh well.  If it were socially acceptable, I’d wear a blanket as clothes everywhere too.  In fact, Andre may be on to something.  The panel gushes over Liz’s photo and despite not knowing who John was, Liz nailed it.

Chelsey’s Carolina Herrera picture also turns out well, albeit a bit cold and standoffish.  I read that Carolina Herrera is quite lovely in person so the ice queen vibe in Chelsey’s photo doesn’t work, but other than that it’s good.   Upon some Wikipediaing, I’ve discovered that she is 71 years old.  She looks AWESOME for 71.

Esther’s picture kind of blows and she’s standing like a stream of piss should be shooting out between her legs.

And just because.

Jane gets panned for her Marc Jacobs picture and then a lecture ensues about not knowing who the designers are with a minor threat of elimination.  Hold the phone.  I would bet my Halloween candy stash that Jane knows exactly who Marc Jacobs is.  Let us remember she is a rich Princeton undergrad.  On the other hand, Liz, who has no fucking clue who John Galliano is gets praised because she looks like a dude and can wiggle her manbrows.  I think Jane got the short end of the stick because Marc pretty much looks like any other well-dressed, cute guy on the streets of NYC while Galliano looks like Bret Michaels’s crazy Great Uncle who moonlights as a street magician.  Also, Banks, let’s remember that Jane doesn’t get to rub elbows with designers and might not be as well read on a designer’s personality as say, someone who’s been a supermodel and in the fashion industry for a couple decades.

Kendal’s picture is pretty boring, though she still looks fine because she’s so pretty.  Tyra calls her a noun model and not a verb model.  Come on, Banks.  Kendal doesn’t know what that means.

Ann goes next and I don’t care what those crackheads on the panel say, Ann is a dead ringer for Eminem’s anorexic twin brother.

Chris’s picture is happy and full of glee, just like Betsey’s clothing, and everyone loves it except Andre.  He still tells Chris she is fabulous though, which was nice.

Well, after deliberation, Liz finally breaks Ann’s first call out streak and takes the win tonight.  Following Liz is Kayla and then Chelsey.  The bottom two end up being Esther and Kendal.  Tyra pulls a half-assed simile about Kendal being a colt with wobbly legs and rolling around in the hay or something.  Kendal is super gracious about her elimination, admitting she needs more practice.  I really hope Kendal becomes successful because she seems like a genuinely nice girl with some God given looks.  Anyway, hope you enjoyed and see you next week for some more modely antics, baditude, and Zac Posen.