Hi Gasmii!! P-Baby Walker here ready to kick off a brand new season of America’s Next Top Model. I heard rumblings of a new model season a few weeks ago but as I’ve been entrenched in Oscar movies, Adam Scott’s IMDB resume, and girl scout cookies, I decided to stay away from any spoilers until the season actually started. I’d first like to acknowledge a few things before we get started.
1. Has anyone heard from Ann, our Cycle 15 winner? Sure as her laxative induced shit stinks, I haven’t heard a peep. Let’s take to the Google machine. Ann’s supposedly making her appearance on the cover of Beauty in Vogue May 2011 issue. Let me be the first to say I shan’t be reading that crap. Here’s a preview:
2. Adam Scott is adorable. I insist that anyone who streams Netflix through a Wii or a Super Nintendo watch Party Down. Immediately.
3. Seriously, how good are Thin Mints?
Whew, glad to get all that off my chest.
This season kicks off similar to other seasons with the first five minutes full of T Bags running her mouth about who knows what. I’m honestly not paying attention to it except for the fact that Tyra is still dressed like a fucking Newsie, obviously a blessing bestowed upon us from last cycle. Banks, that movie came out like 18 years ago. Get the fuck over it.
All you need to know about the Tyra montage is that she references Ashton Kutcher, Shalom Harlow (what up House of Style? Miss you guys.) , wears a trucker hat, and shows off her acting chops by mocking all the simpleton model stereotypes that try out for her show. I get what she’s going for but it doesn’t work because 1. Tyra herself is a caricature and a simpleton and 2. Should she really be mocking the idiots that keep her show on the air cycle after cycle? With no Mallrat model wannabes, there IS no Top Model. Think about it, Banks.
Unlike other seasons, however, we are not going to be treated to the typical montage of panel shit where each girl traipses in the room in a bikini revealing really meaningful dolphin tramp stamps, c-section scars, and clavicles while Nigel tugs at his tummystick. Instead, Banks and Co. start selecting the top 14 upon immediate arrival to the airline runway. I think I speak for many when I say thank the sweet baby Jesus, the casting week is dead.
Tyra seriously keeps going on and on about how modeling is all about rejection and informs us that even to this day she still has to deal with people telling her no. I can only imagine how those conversations go.
Tyra: “Do you think Beyonce actually likes me?”
Tyra: “Did I really deserve to win this Emmy?”
Tyra: “This looks good right?”
Tyra: “Will I ever look like this again?”
Tyra tells us that if we want to have any sort of success in life we need to have tough skin. Well at least I’ve got that box checked thanks to an on and off tanning addiction starting with junior prom circa late 90′s. Besides tough skin, it probably doesn’t hurt to be a fucking glamazon that weighs 85 pounds. Those boxes shall remain unchecked for the time being.
So in her best Ashton Kutcher impression, Tyra “punks” her chosen 14 and makes them think they are going home while a group of unsuspecting cast offs believe they have been selected for the show. It’s kind of convoluted and evil so I’m not going to get very detailed about it. Regardless, no matter how many trucker hats and Twitters posts and Demi Moore titty-grabs you add to the pot, nothing about this whole scam is charming in an early 2000′s Kutcher kind of way. The evil dark heart inside of me actually feels kind of bad for the idiots that are going home but we never hear from them again so hopefully they were talked down from the ledge by production.
So after the big reveal, the girls all have their requisite crying melt downs and run around the house which is pretty much par for the course. So far none of them have stood out for me except one. Sara. Girlfriend has a rat tail. Like an actual rat tail of late 80′s fame. Remember in elementary school when there would always be that one kid sitting in front of you that had a rat tail and you just wanted to either play with it or cut it off at the root to stop that shit from ever growing again? And then sometimes, said kid in possession of rat tail would go to the beach for a weekend and come back with beads on the end of it and it drove you fucking nuts because it was so ugly and NOT 1986? No? Just me then?
Sara is going to be this cycle’s “quirky” one but unlike last cycle’s Ann who actually cleaned up nicely, Sara is not cute. Like not even drunk cute.
The girls disperse themselves and go find beds and we meet this cycle’s version of Sleeping Bag Kayla in the form of Brittani who lives in a trailer park and is astonished to take up residency in an LA penthouse. I just read an article in Vanity Fair about this super ritzy trailer park in California called Paradise Cove where Pamela Anderson, Matthew McConaughey, and Minnie Driver all own property and trailers can sell for millions. Needless to say, this is not Brittani’s trailer park.
Mikaela is already annoyed by some of the personalities in the house. I’m annoyed because I can’t figure out who Mikaela looks like. So far the thought that has crossed my mind is some kind of poor man’s Jennifer Carpenter/Jennifer Esposito eyebrow pencil addict anorexic hybrid. Yes?
PS. Jennifer Carpenter plays Dexter’s sister Deb on Dexter and was married to Michael C. Hall until that trollop Julia Stiles snatched him away and Jennifer Esposito is currently starring as Donnie Wahlberg’s detective partner on Blue Bloods. She was also married to Bradley Cooper for like 35 seconds back in 2007.
Night time comes and the models get their first ever piece of Tyra Mail. ”Let’s get the ball rolling. Shall we?” One of my favorite parts of every episode is when these chuckleheads stand around and guess what the mail means instead of acting like normal humanoids by guzzling wine and going to bed. These girls think they’re going to be modeling bowling shoes. Fuck me. It’s going to be a long season.
Tyra: ”Do you want these red gloves? You can sell them on eBay and donate the proceeds to charity.”
The next day the ladies show up at a mansion in Malibu where a pretty young lass and some other strumpet are standing there waiting for them.
Some of the girls know right off the bat that the strumpet is someone named Erin Wasson. Supposedly she’s some model/jewelry designer/stylist like everyone else in that stupid, stupid city. I haven’t a fucking clue who this person is. What I do know is that she reminds me of Alexa Chung and her nostrils flair when she talks. That show, MTV’s It’s On with Alexa Chung was terrible, just terrible. Why was it so bad? She’s kind of fun, right? Whatever. Here’s Erin and doppelganger Alexa.
All the girls are losing their shit over Erin as she announces they’ll be walking in a runway show wearing Alexander Wang (heh.) stuff and some of Erin’s jewelry. Remember last cycle when Ann had to dress up like Alexander Wang who is quite possibly the most non-descript Asian I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Refresher.
So this is all very exciting news until Jay mentions that the runway they’ll be walking on is only 12 inches wide (WHAT?) , in a pool (OMG!) and…they’ll be encased in a giant plastic ball. I said this last cycle and I’ll say it again. These bitches can’t walk normally down the street in their Air Force Ones. Why right out of the chute are we making it virtually impossible to succeed?
Oh, PS. Jaclyn is dead to me. Reason? She thinks she’s going to get stuck in the bubble for the rest of her life.
Today’s photographer will be snapping the ladies backstage while they are getting prepped for the show. His name is Russell James.
My immediate thought was that he looked an awful lot like a non-juiced Fabio. Then my obscure pop-culture referenced little mind decided upon a more suitable look a like.
God, Rod Belding was such a dick. Not only did he leave Zack, Slater, and the rest of the gang hanging right before their class trip but I’d wager he tried to stick it in Kelly while he was visiting Bayside.
The girls all go backstage for hair and make up and Russell starts snapping away as the girls get ready and it seems a little Pervy Uncle to me but I guess that’s what he’s paid for. We’ll see the pictures later but here’s some backstage shots.
We finally stop dicking around backstage and the ladies get suited up in their bubbles. I kind of get the image they are going for here but 1. It’s too early in the cycle for this. 2. It’s stupid. and 3. It makes me want to dance magic dance with David Bowie.
As suspected, the bubble walking is a little rough and more than a few of the ladies have balance issues. Gasmii, meet Ondrei.
Pro: She’s adorable
Con: Her name is Ondrei. (It’s pronounced Andre dummies.)
Pro: Her debut on ANTM is going well thus far.
Con: Now it’s not.
And she eats it on the runway. No worries though because the bubble pads her fall and also makes it damn near impossible for this sad little lady to claw herself out of the water.
More bad news. Dominique falls too. I’m all about people falling but the bubble with tiny runway in the water all seems so unnecessary that it takes the joy out of a legitimate fall, like when I slipped on ice outside my car this morning. Brittani does the best out of the bunch and it’s kind of hard to see what the girls look like with the plastic in front of them in the screen shots so we’re just going to move along.
Oh, at the end of the runway stuff, the Js and Erin talk to the models. I’m only mentioning this so I can use a group shot from the chat.
Kasia is the one on the far left. She’s considered the “plus sized” one of the group. No, really. Plus sized. As in bigger than normal sized. The only thing bigger than normal sized on this girl is the Jesus jewelry she’s got slung from her gullet.
The ladies all return back to the house after their first exhilarating day and are greeted by the announcement that one lady will be going home tonight at panel. Everyone’s nervous and for some reason the fact that Alexandria is working with Jaclyn to make her not be an idiot rubs some of the girls the wrong way. Who honestly has time to care about that kind of stuff? Piss off ladies. Why is no one drinking wine yet?
Backstage time! Tyra actually looks cute (God. Just take me out back and shoot me.) at tonight’s panel, going for casual in a t-shirt bearing Andre Leon Tally’s face, loose hair and black pants.
Andre has also changed up his look, swapping out the sparkling Snuggie for something a bit more debonair.
Nigel and Erin will be the other judges tonight and while I still think Nigel is attractive, he just spoiled himself for me last cycle. Plus, my new crushes as of late have been skinny guys with big heads that slightly resemble insects, ala Andrew Garfield and the lovely aforementioned Adam Scott.
Let’s get right down to the photos and judges’ comments because it seems like we are already in for a kind of boring season. BTW, the prize I think is the same as last season. My DVR keeps skipping and I’ll have ample opportunity to figure it out so I’m not losing sleep. I’ll wager it’s some Cover Girl stuff and IMG at least.
1. Alexandria. The judges like her. I don’t. Are lips supposed to blend into your face?
2. Dayla (pronounced Dahlia? Parents do realize names are legal entities that will most likely torture their children for decades to come, right? If the P-Baby’s are ever unfortunate enough to spawn our own, Boy: Jack or James Girl: Charlotte or Vivian. There, how hard is that?) The judges like her too but she’s not going to win. Girlfriend looks nothing like her picture in person.
3. Nicole. The judges think she looks old in her picture. I think she looks like every other blond haired blue eyed chippie I went to high school with. We had a lot of German blood in the water.
4. Sara aka Rat Tail Rhonda. The judges think she looks like a 19 year old boy wearing make up, yet mean it as a compliment. Just like I mean it as a compliment when I tell Tyra I think she looks like a 46 year old man wearing make up and falsies.
5. Ondrei. Tyra likes it. Nigel doesn’t. That’s literally all they say. Girlfriend wasn’t even on screen long enough to get a frontal of her. Two guesses as to who is not a front runner this season.
6. Angelia. Let me just say this. Her name needs to be either Angela or Angelina.
7. Hannah. Andre compares her to a young Jennifer Aniston, which for me means pre-Brad post second season of Friends, before everyone decided she was miserable even though she clearly is doing just fine. She’s got like a billion dollars, an Emmy, really cute dogs, great legs, and can probably marry Jake Gyllenhaal tomorrow and be his permanent beard. Girlfriend’s got it going on.
Oh right, Hannah. Hannah’s very cute but talks slow and it annoys me.
8. Kasia. Kasis is plus sized which is complete bullshit. Kasia is not so much plus sized as she is just in need of a few good months of diet and exercise. Seriously, I’m not perfect and I work myself out pretty hard on a weekly basis. Kasia is not big but she is out of shape. Gotta hand it to the girl though. She’s like the lazy man’s model.
9. Monique. Monique is really pretty and the girl that prompted Tyra’s Shalom Harlow reference. The judges think Monique might be too sexy. That’s because she dresses like a hooker.
10. Mikaela. Andre thinks she can be a new star. I think she needs to seriously consider adding something besides blood to her diet.
11. Dominique. Dominique has an attitude. Unlike Chris from last season who seemed kind of in on the joke, Dominique seems rather vile. The jury’s out on this one.
12. Jaclyn. Oh, this one. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have one of those voices that makes me sound permanently like a five year old and then I realize that people like me would hate my existence.
13. Molly. Tyra and Andre make fun of the belly shirt she is wearing. I don’t know why these two think, after all the abominable things I’ve seen them in over the years, that it’s OK to make fun of what the girls wear. The judges love her picture but warn her not to let the positive things go to her head. I’m sure she won’t since you just slaughtered her favorite Forever 21 shirt on national TV.
14. Brittani. The judges like Brittani and she walked the runway the best during the bubble bullshit. Poor thing has a snaggle tooth so hopefully Banks will take care of that one here in the near future.
After all is said and done, Molly wins best photo and the bottom two are Dominique and Angelia are in the bottom two. Angelia gets sent packing and while I sort of feel bad for her, I’m relieved more than anything because her name is annoying and I don’t have to type it anymore. God bless small miracles.
Well Gasmii, how did you like the premiere? Who are your favorite models so far? Will Tyra cut the rat tail? See you all next week!