Hi Gasmii! P-Baby here wondering why I’m even recapping a season finale of America’s Next Top Model when we have illicit Terminator Babies that we really SHOULD be talking about. Can you believe that mess? It’s so trashy and awesome all at once. Not so awesome for Maria Shriver or the kids but SO awesome for the rest of us to find out about. I can’t help myself. I love a scandal.
Speaking of scandals, is anyone else waiting with baited breath for the year 2045 when Katie Holmes inevitably publishes a tell all about being married to Tom Cruise and reveals the details of their marriage contract that I’m 100% positive exists? I can’t wait for that shit. Anyway, enough’s enough. We’ve got a Top Model to crown!
In one corner tonight we’ve got Brittani of snaggle-toothed, trailer-parked, dutch boy haired fame. Since there’s only two girls left, we get to hear about Brittani’s childhood ad nauseam. BritBrit’s mom has agoraphobia (fear of crowds, wide open spaces, etc), panic attacks, and is a single parent. They were on welfare for several years and of course, they live in a trailer park. All aforementioned items make Brittani a perfect candidate to win this thing since she obviously doesn’t have a whole lot going on back home besides bartending and making babies and don’t we all love a rags to quasi-riches story?
However, in the other corner itching to thwart the enemy with woe is me tales of abandonment, we’ve got Molly of whack weaved, snot-nosed, ass-holed, adopted fame. Molly can’t wait to tell her parents that she’s in the top two because it’s been her dream and her parents dream for her since she was a little bratty baby waiting to get adopted by unsuspecting do-gooders. We’re not even going to justify Molly’s abandonment issues this time around because it’s stupid and she sucks.
PS. HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE. Molly went to rehab. I have faint glimmers of this being mentioned last week but how has Tyra not jumped on this from the getgo and milked that teat dry? Bitch loves a redemption angle and frankly rehab and recovering from addiction is far more interesting than being adopted. Not only that, but Molly could blame her piss poor moods on withdrawal symptoms and create a controversy by going down to the soukh to score a turban full of hashish. It’s a wonder no one has hired me yet as a producer. Hollywood doesn’t know what they’re missing.
Tyra Mail. Sahel, Khafif, Zoulnah. I’ve already watched this episode once and I still don’t know what the fuck that is supposed to mean. Doesn’t matter since we know that the ANTM finale always includes a Cover Girl commercial and beauty shot. Also, what the hell with Molly and Brittani sharing a bed when we have already seen that house has two single beds and the big bed. I’m down with sharing when it’s a trip to the beach and you’re 19 and have 8 other people crammed in a two double bed hotel room with liquor bottles taking up all other empty floor space but clearly this is not the case.
Before any Cover Girl bullshit starts, the girls meet ( I just spelled it meat…mmmmm, meat.) with Ivan “The Fart” Bart and his sissy ass wants to speak with each girl individually to pass judgment on them to within an inch of their lives. Ivan has a super creepy controlled way of speaking and it makes me think he’s going to murder me. This whole segment doesn’t offer a lot by way of entertainment so it’s definitely more fun pretending Ivan is a Patrick Bateman-esque serial killer when he’s not busy scouting models for IMG.
After the meeting with Ivan, BritBrit and Molly link up with Jay to commence their Cover Girl commercial and beauty shot for the print ad. The girls start getting made up and attempt to learn their script for the commercial. Couldn’t Banks have thrown the girls a bone and given them the script the night before to practice? Didn’t these idiots get the script the previous night before that heinous Mad Men coffee commercial and that was when we were still in the middle of weeding out the uglies. Now Molly and Brittani are fighting it out to actually win the whole thing and they are sentenced to learning their lines over lipstick.
Molly’s up first and she is styled in such a way that she should really be wearing cat-eye sunglasses riding in a teal convertible down the Pacific Coast Highway circa 1955. She really does throwback styling well so if this whole thing doesn’t work, she can always be a burlesque dancer. Molly’s quite wooden during the reciting of lines but who cares about that?
Molly and her hands clear the stage for Brittani who also looks nostalgic but more so in a 1920′s flapper who’s trying to ditch the boa and clean up her act way. Brittani also sucks at delivering her lines. At least she looks pretty in her pictures. And she doesn’t have hands that could palm the Epcot Center ball.
The beauty shots are even less interesting than the commercial but I’ll admit the ladies look fantastic.
Brittani really works that hair and makeup. I like it but not enough to think that I could ever pull that haircut off in this lifetime. Haircuts like that are deceiving. Remember when Katie Holmes (apparently I have a boner for Katie Holmes today) cut her hair in a bob and it became a Thing when really only people with facial bone structure like Katie Holmes or Brittani or Suri Cruise can pull it off?
Italian Vogue photo shoot time. I almost forgot about the Italian Vogue aspect this cycle which is incredible since we were beat over the head during Cycle 15. Maybe Franca Sozzani agreed to continued participation only if Banks locked it up and stopped name dropping Vogue every 15 seconds, thereby lowering Italian Vogue’s overall exposure on this show. The photographer and stylist are both Italian people with thick accents. The stylist is named Valentina and she rambles on about who knows what. Probably something about poop and ketchup and football. I can’t be sure.
So a bunch of pictures are taken of both Brittani and Molly during the shoot which is what will get used in Beauty In Vogue for whoever wins. With that in mind, why are they wearing pajamas?
After the Italian Vogue shoot, Molly and Brit head home and are greeted by Molly’s parents.
Brit’s Mom couldn’t come because of back surgery and fear of everything. Instead, Brittani gets this:
Yeah, that’s totally the same.
We’ve finally arrived at the fashion show portion of the finale. Tonight’s stylings will be by Vivienne Westwood from the Vivienne Westwood Anglomania line. The girls will be walking from room to room in a big Moroccan palace something or other so it’s different than runways past. Like past seasons, Kasia, Hannah, and Alexandria get brought back to also walk in the show. I always forget that some of the idiots get to come back which is deceiving because I was hoping to not ever see them again, save Alexandria who we know is going to be on the upcoming All Stars Cycle. Oh yeah, Ann is back too.
The girls get made up and everything is very vibrant and wacky…
Which is to be expected by a designer who looks like this…
And designs things that looks like this…
The show seems to be going off without a hitch but Brittani is very obviously a better runway walker. Molly has a bounce to her walk that I think she thinks is cute but as we all know, there are a lot of people on this earth that think things are cute that aren’t. Off the top of my head, I can think of three. Scrunched hair, Channing Tatum, and newborn babies.
Brittani must have guessed that things were getting boring and decides to spice it up a bit for the sake of the audience:
So Brittani eats it at the end of the final lap around with Molly, twists her ankle, and then is forced to head back out for the final final lap where all the models come out and clap. That totally sucks but she manages to make it back out with a smile on her face. I have a smile on my face too because I have an uncontrollable need to laugh when people fall.
Finally, it’s down to the final judge’s panel to pick the winner. For the momentous occasion, Molly and Brittani get new haircuts. Brittani looks AMAZING with this hair and I wish this had been her hair the whole cycle.
Molly’s hair…well…at least she got to see her parents for a little bit.
Sitting on the panel are the usual suspects and Jay who isn’t important enough to help decide any eliminations for the past 12 rounds but gets to help pick the winner. The judges keep going back and forth about the good and bad things about each girl on the runway and the Cover Girl commercial. They are clearly trying to build fake suspense so instead of stooping to their level, let’s look at the Cover Girl print ads.
Deliberate, shlimiberate blah blah blah. Ninteen years later, here’s America’s Next Top Model.
Well Gasmii, that’s it for this cycle! Were you happy with the winner? I think between the two, I preferred Brittani but it was like choosing between peas or green beans so eh. Thanks for all your comments and sticking around all season! Check back with me in the fall for the All Star Cycle and in the mean time, I’ll be recapping Same Name this summer, a show about people who have the same names as celebrities. Of course David Hasselhoff is going to be on this show.