Hi Gasmii! P-Baby here SO ready for this cycle of ANTM to put itself out of its misery already. There’s only three girls left, all of which are irritating on many different levels. Speaking of irritation, I want to throw my neighbor’s dogs off the balcony. I love dogs more than humans 99% of the time but these devil creatures are bastard dogs from Hades. Also, I’m very irritated by Carson Daly, Blake Shelton, and Christina Aguilera on The Voice. I’m irritated with myself for continuing to watch The Voice solely because Adam Levine is one hot piece of ass. And because it can’t be said enough, remember when Carson Daly was engaged to Tara Reid? BWAH! Enough of my ramblings.
Doesn’t it feel like these morons have been in Morocco for a billion years? In real life time it’s probably only been a few days but Christ I’m ready for someone to win the non-prize, the non-title of America’s Next Top Model and end it. The final three girls Hannah, Brittani, and Molly sit around dazed that Alexandria finally went home and then play a round robin game of overanalyzing the standings based off performance on challenges, photos, and overall who sucks the least. Hey ladies? Call it a draw before your heads explode.
Who wants to hear about Molly’s self-worth and abandonment issues again? No? Ok good.
For the third and final time, I don’t get how Molly equates being adopted with having anger and abandonment issues when by all appearances she had a wonderful family taking care of her as their own. Is she not aware of the millions of orphans clamoring for homes? Speaking of angry bitch orphans…
Point is, for Molly, if she wants to be an angry bitch, be an angry bitch but own it and please God, shut the fuck up.
Tyra Mail. Tomorrow you’ll know beauty inside, out, and about. No puns? No misspelled words? What could this mean?? The girls interpret the mail to be some sort of beauty shoot or commercial which is obvious as the final three almost always do some kind of commercial so Banks can see how good her lemmings are at hocking bullshit products. I’ll admit I started drinking Smartwater when Aniston became a spokesmodel for them. Have you seen that bitch’s legs?
The next day the girls are barged in on by Jay at the Morocco pad and he proceeds to play a special news announcement courtesy of Lara Spencer and The Insider. Lara is here today to tell everyone about the challenge which will see each girl putting together a 90 second spot on a fashion secret of Morocco with a one hour block allotted for researching and interviewing locals about the fashion secret. Whoever does the best gets their video posted on theinsider.com. Great prize so late in the competition. A real budget breaker. Remember when Alexandria won a car? I’ll take that.
So the breakdown of fashion secrets is as follows: Molly gets black kohl , Brittani gets henna, and Hannah has argan oil. Never heard of any of them except henna because the amusement park I used to work at in high school had a couple henna tattoo stands for tourists to spend their hard earned dollars at. I know henna is very traditional, blah blah, but the old Asian woman living inside of me wants to yell at everyone to wash the dirt off their hands.
Each girl has a specific location they are assigned to go to in order to speak to an expert. Molly’s spot is, as she pretty accurately describes, a pharmacy type place but instead of mountains of Intervention causing pills, there are jars full of spices. Molly talks to Abdul the Spice Guy for awhile about black kohl and then heads to the street to find a local to interview. Molly finds item #4956 on her list of things that make her mad. No one in Morocco speaks English. Is it really fair to get mad about something like that? Do people from Morocco fly to Charleston, South Carolina and get pissed when no one speaks Arabic?
Brittani encounters the same road block eventually finding one guy whose range of English spans from “yeah” to “yes.” She keeps him anyway. He’s a sweet man that I instantly adore for wearing plaid pants, a rocking sweater, and for selling candy.
Hannah manages to find someone who speaks English and is well versed in argan oil. Hannah studied journalism so she thinks she has this in the bag which as we all know means she’ll lose pitifully. Hannah’s English speaking local is apparently too knowledgeable and Hannah tells her she’s going to need to lock her shit down for the video clip since she only has 90 seconds to flaunt her spokesmodel prowess.
Back at the house, Jay meets the girls to review the videos with them. Molly’s sucks the least and subsequently wins the challenge. Hannah cries over not winning the challenge but then tells us that in her heart, she feels like she really did win. First of all, puke. Secondly, you didn’t win. Jay just said. Pay attention.
Just when I thought we were going to get some peace and relaxation Moroccan style, Banks and The Ugliest Pants Ever Made arrive at the model house to have a sit down with the girls and ask them things.
Guess what Molly talks about, everyone?
FUCK. Someone call Angelina and tell her we’ve got another fucking baby for her to adopt only this one is white and 22 years old.
Hannah has no real issues so she makes some bullshit up about not accepting herself in high school and coming out of her shell after graduating and embracing her goofy side. Lame. Tyra asks Brittani what her struggles are. Guess what Brittani talks about.
Turns out BritBrit’s mom struggled with panic attacks and agoraphobia and somehow that translated to Brittani getting made fun of as well. I totally thought she was going to go by way of the trailer park story again but the mom stuff was a little deeper I suppose.
After everyone gets their shit together and wipes their running mascara, Tyra slaps some weird makeup on the girls’ faces, runs Crisco through their hair and has an impromptu photo shoot. The pictures are decent but I hate the inevitable Tyra photo shoot every cycle, mainly because she’s such a self-important asshole. Just because she’s a model, she feels the need to prove she can take pictures too, but that, my Gasmii friends, is faulty logic. I wear clothes everyday but that doesn’t mean I can design them or make them. I eat cookies every day but my ass isn’t about to go on Top Chef. And even if I did go on Top Chef right now, no cooking would happen…
After the photo shoot, Tyra leads the girls to a Moroccan dance party on the roof and everyone is laughing and having a wonderful time. It’s very genuine with everyone letting loose and enjoying each other’s company. I like it. It’s refreshing. Now go back to being the miserable succubus humans I’m used to so I can feel normal again.
Tyra Mail. Are you really committed? You will be tomorrow. Lord knows that crazy bitch should have been committed when this happened.
Photo shoot time! Today the girls will be styled in Moroccan wedding dresses and posing with a male model playing the role of the groom. The male model is definitely cute and apparently he smells good. I’m loving the outfits and jewelry as usual and as usual nothing interesting happens except none of these wenches are able to conjure up sexual tension with the male model. What the hell is that about? Well, I mean he does kind of look like a short-haired Jesus but still.
At panel, I like Tyras dress? God, what the fuck is happening? I blame it on ANTM exhaustion. If it’s any consolation, I hate the hooker boots she’s wearing with it. Guest judge on the panel today is some dude named Ivan Bart who is the senior vice president of IMG. Never heard of him. Sounds like he should be a Russian royal playboy with a slew of mistresses and a big hairy pot belly. He is none of the above.
He’s also about as over this show as I am which means he’s probably awesomely bitchy in real life.
The judges like BritBrit’s pics for the most part but fault her for crying every goddamn time Nigel is her photographer. Word.
Judges like the first picture. Nigel calls the second picture gauche. What a bitch.
The judges love both of Molly’s pictures. Duh.
So heading into the finale to duke it out will be Brittani and Molly after Molly clinches best photo for the third (or fourth?) week in a row. Poor Hannah is out but her pictures kind of sucked anyway and her pigtails were stupid. Bye Hannah. Only two remain! Who’s going to take the title, forever to have their names on America’s Next Top Model Wikipedia page as Cycle 16′s winner?!?