ANTM: It’s A Nice Day for a Moroccan Wedding

Recaps

By P-Baby Walker | Sunday, May 15, 2011 | 6:00 am | 22 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: America's Next Top Model, Featured, Recaps

Hi Gasmii!  P-Baby here SO ready for this cycle of ANTM to put itself out of its misery already.  There’s only three girls left, all of which are irritating on many different levels.  Speaking of irritation, I want to throw my neighbor’s dogs off the balcony.  I love dogs more than humans 99% of the time but these devil creatures are bastard dogs from Hades.  Also, I’m very irritated by Carson Daly, Blake Shelton, and Christina Aguilera on The Voice.  I’m irritated with myself for continuing to watch The Voice solely because Adam Levine is one hot piece of ass.  And because it can’t be said enough, remember when Carson Daly was engaged to Tara Reid?  BWAH!  Enough of my ramblings.

adam levine

Doesn’t it feel like these morons have been in Morocco for a billion years?  In real life time it’s probably only been a few days but Christ I’m ready for someone to win the non-prize, the non-title of America’s Next Top Model and end it.  The final three girls Hannah, Brittani, and Molly sit around dazed that Alexandria finally went home and then play a round robin game of overanalyzing the standings based off performance on challenges, photos, and overall who sucks the least.  Hey ladies? Call it a draw before your heads explode.

Who wants to hear about Molly’s self-worth and abandonment issues again?  No?  Ok good.

molly issues

For the third and final time, I don’t get how Molly equates being adopted with having anger and abandonment issues when by all appearances she had a wonderful family taking care of her as their own.  Is she not aware of the millions of orphans clamoring for homes?  Speaking of angry bitch orphans…

orphan

Point is, for Molly, if she wants to be an angry bitch, be an angry bitch but own it and please God, shut the fuck up.

Tyra Mail.  Tomorrow you’ll know beauty inside, out, and about.  No puns?  No misspelled words?  What could this mean?? The girls interpret the mail to be some sort of beauty shoot or commercial which is obvious as the final three almost always do some kind of commercial so Banks can see how good her lemmings are at hocking bullshit products.  I’ll admit I started drinking Smartwater when Aniston became a spokesmodel for them.  Have you seen that bitch’s legs?

legs

The next day the girls are barged in on by Jay at the Morocco pad and he proceeds to play a special news announcement courtesy of Lara Spencer and The Insider.  Lara is here today to tell everyone about the challenge which will see each girl putting together a 90 second spot on a fashion secret of Morocco with a one hour block allotted for researching and interviewing locals about the fashion secret.  Whoever does the best gets their video posted on theinsider.com.  Great prize so late in the competition.   A real budget breaker.  Remember when Alexandria won a car?  I’ll take that.

lara spencer

So the breakdown of fashion secrets is as follows: Molly gets black kohl , Brittani gets henna, and Hannah has argan oil.  Never heard of any of them except henna because the amusement park I used to work at in high school had a couple henna tattoo stands for tourists to spend their hard earned dollars at.  I know henna is very traditional, blah blah, but the old Asian woman living inside of me wants to yell at everyone to wash the dirt off their hands.

henna

Each girl has a specific location they are assigned to go to in order to speak to an expert.  Molly’s spot is, as she pretty accurately describes, a pharmacy type place but instead of mountains of Intervention causing pills, there are jars full of spices.  Molly talks to Abdul the Spice Guy for awhile about black kohl and then heads to the street to find a local to interview.  Molly finds item #4956 on her list of things that make her mad.  No one in Morocco speaks English.  Is it really fair to get mad about something like that?  Do people from Morocco fly to Charleston, South Carolina and get pissed when no one speaks Arabic?

Brittani encounters the same road block eventually finding one guy whose range of English spans from “yeah” to “yes.”  She keeps him anyway.  He’s a sweet man that I instantly adore for wearing plaid pants, a rocking sweater, and for selling candy.

ticket

Hannah manages to find someone who speaks English and is well versed in argan oil.  Hannah studied journalism so she thinks she has this in the bag which as we all know means she’ll lose pitifully.  Hannah’s English speaking local is apparently too knowledgeable and Hannah tells her she’s going to need to lock her shit down for the video clip since she only has 90 seconds to flaunt her spokesmodel prowess.

eating

Back at the house, Jay meets the girls to review the videos with them.  Molly’s sucks the least and subsequently wins the challenge.  Hannah cries over not winning the challenge but then tells us that in her heart, she feels like she really did win.  First of all, puke.  Secondly,  you didn’t win.  Jay just said.  Pay attention.

Just when I thought we were going to get some peace and relaxation Moroccan style, Banks and The Ugliest Pants Ever Made arrive at the model house to have a sit down with the girls and ask them things.

pants

Guess what Molly talks about, everyone?

molly crying

FUCK.  Someone call Angelina and tell her we’ve got another fucking baby for her to adopt only this one is white and 22 years old.

Hannah has no real issues so she makes some bullshit up about not accepting herself in high school and coming out of her shell after graduating and embracing her goofy side.  Lame.  Tyra asks Brittani what her struggles are.  Guess what Brittani talks about.

brittani crying

Turns out BritBrit’s mom struggled with panic attacks and agoraphobia and somehow that translated to Brittani getting made fun of as well.  I totally thought she was going to go by way of the trailer park story again but the mom stuff was a little deeper I suppose.

After everyone gets their shit together and wipes their running mascara, Tyra slaps some weird makeup on the girls’ faces, runs Crisco through their hair and has an impromptu photo shoot.  The pictures are decent but I hate the inevitable Tyra photo shoot every cycle, mainly because she’s such a self-important asshole.  Just because she’s a model, she feels the need to prove she can take pictures too, but that, my Gasmii friends, is faulty logic.  I wear clothes everyday but that doesn’t mean I can design them or make them.  I eat cookies every day but my ass isn’t about to go on Top Chef.  And even if I did go on Top Chef right now, no cooking would happen…

curtis stone

After the photo shoot, Tyra leads the girls to a Moroccan dance party on the roof and everyone is laughing and having a wonderful time.  It’s very genuine with everyone letting loose and enjoying each other’s company.  I like it.  It’s refreshing.  Now go back to being the miserable succubus humans I’m used to so I can feel normal again.

dance party

Tyra Mail.  Are you really committed?  You will be tomorrow.  Lord knows that crazy bitch should have been committed when this happened.

tyra

Photo shoot time!  Today the girls will be styled in Moroccan wedding dresses and posing with a male model playing the role of the groom.  The male model is definitely cute and apparently he smells good.  I’m loving the outfits and jewelry as usual and as usual nothing interesting happens except none of these wenches are able to conjure up sexual tension with the male model.  What the hell is that about?  Well, I mean he does kind of look like a short-haired Jesus but still.

male model

At panel, I like Tyras dress?  God, what the fuck is happening?  I blame it on ANTM exhaustion.  If it’s any consolation, I hate the hooker boots she’s wearing with it.  Guest judge on the panel today is some dude named Ivan Bart who is the senior vice president of IMG.  Never heard of him.  Sounds like he should be a Russian royal playboy with a slew of mistresses and a big hairy pot belly.  He is none of the above.

ivan

He’s also about as over this show as I am which means he’s probably awesomely bitchy in real life.

1.  Brittani

brittani final 1brittani final 2

The judges like BritBrit’s pics for the most part but fault her for crying every goddamn time Nigel is her photographer.  Word.

2.  Hannah

hannah final1hannah final 2

Judges like the first picture.  Nigel calls the second picture gauche.  What a bitch.

3. Molly

molly final 1molly final 2

The judges love both of Molly’s pictures.  Duh.

So heading into the finale to duke it out will be Brittani and Molly after Molly clinches best photo for the third (or fourth?) week in a row.  Poor Hannah is out but her pictures kind of sucked anyway and her pigtails were stupid.  Bye Hannah.  Only two remain!  Who’s going to take the title, forever to have their names on America’s Next Top Model Wikipedia page as Cycle 16′s winner?!?

P-Baby Walker is a Pez-collecting, Archie Comic reading, Elvis loving, self-appointed movie sensei.  Lack of sunlight, fresh air and a bloodstream composed of Diet Pepsi causes her moods to air on the side of salty, resulting in endless disgruntled opinions for the world to enjoy.  Due to overall lack of motivation to do anything else, P-Baby has recently started writing more of her musings on pop culture at Mrs. Catalano Presents...  When she's not in the midst of her ongoing epic battle between love and hate for Nicolas Cage, she spends an abnormal amount of time watching B movies on Netflix.  She hopes to meet John Waters one day and thank him for his contributions to the film industry.

22 Comments

  1. 1
    Mila
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Could be of interest:
    I know kohl from Egypt but I guess it’s known in almost every area that is somehow oriental. Everyone uses it, by which I mean women, men, children, toddlers. They say that it prevents eye infections and also it’s the only make up muslim guys are allowed to put on: http://img58.imageshack.us/img58/6579/jdsfhdsjfbh1.jpg

    Indian toddler: http://i1.trekearth.com/photos/9348/kohl_eyes.jpg

    I am disagreeing with you on the English Thing. When you don’t only want to speak to people who know Arabic (but french, polish, …) you have to learn it.

    Molly. She should call her birth mother a filthy bitch and move on.

  2. 2
    Xouille Xouille
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    Boring episode… but great recap.
    I agree with you about that angry bitch Molly. And Adam Levine, he is kind of a douchebag but I so would.

    And now for the few people who are still interested in that addictive crapfest of a show, here is the roaster for the all stars (and probably last) season.

    Cycle 1: Shannon
    Cycle 2: Camille
    Cycle 4: Brittany
    Cycle 5: Bre
    Cycle 5: Lisa
    Cycle 9: Bianca
    Cycle 10: Dominique
    Cycle 11: Isis
    Cycle 11: Sheena
    Cycle 12: Allison
    Cycle 13: Laura
    Cycle 14: Angelea
    Cycle 15: Kayla
    Cycle 16: Alexandria

    I am pretty “shocked” by no Analeigh but maybe she turned down the offer. Jade allegedly turned it down as well (that is what she claims on her twitter feed).
    Well, hopefully there will be some good drama.
    Tyra sure chose a lot of bitches (i would say half the cast).

  3. 3
    carol
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    Amazing how Tyra was all about being there for Brittney when she was crying yet she verbally beat her down only a couple of episodes ago and told her she didn’t like her or want her in the competition anymore.

    Also, Tyra saying how hard it was to sit on the other side of panel and watch these girls cry. Isn’t Tyra the one that usually makes them cry?

    I love when the models go out among normal people, they always look so tall.

  4. 4
    Mila
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    Tyra could say that being harsh to Brittney was what made her stronger/better/… should Brittney win.

    Won’t it be Angelea’s third time at ANTM?

  5. 5
    Xouille Xouille
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    Yep third, but she was only a semi finalist during her first year… and still managed to make a nasty impression (Bitch you got ugly ass corns !).
    When she came back, she was way more tame… to my disappointment. ^^

  6. 6
    Xouille Xouille
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    And one thing to always remember with this show… just like Camille in Real Housewives of Beverly Hills… Tyra is an asshole.
    It should answer every question about her you ever will ask yourself.

  7. 7
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    I was rooting for Angelea. I felt like if she could get her self-esteem issues under control (which is what caused a lot of her attitude), she could go far. She seemed to be on the way to that, but just needed more experience with different situations. It seemed like whenever she was in a situation where she wasn’t sure how to act, her insecurities caused an attitude flare.

  8. 8
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    @ Xouille, I’m surprised Lisa D’Amato even was allowed to bring her wino ass back to the ANTM universe after she ripped Tyra and the show a new one in the press. Plus, she was on that Dr. Drew drug-recovery show, and she’s wouldn’t be a good example for young girls (from Tyra’s perspective). But, I guess money talks, so she’ll be kicked off Episode 1 for Tyra’s masochistic pleasure!

  9. 9
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Wait… the Lisa on the list is THAT Lisa? God I love her! And she has been one of the more successful ones that have come out of ANTM. But Derek, did you actually watch her on Celebrity Rehab? She didn’t have a drug problem and isn’t an addict. She actually had issues with severe abuse from her mom including one of her mom’s boyfriends who repeatedly sexually assaulted her when she was quite young. In my mind, the fact that she was trying to overcome that would make her the perfect rolemodel for Tyra.

  10. 10
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    @ Snootchy, no I admit I didn’t watch that show because my disdain for a fraud like Dr. Drew superceded my love for Lisa. If that is true, you’re probably right, but I think Tyra is more of a bitch that is going to make things tougher for her.

    I will be curious to see Andre Leon Talley’s judging of the older girls, since his only history is with the girls from the last three cycles. I wonder if he’ll be as random and innocuous as usual, or if he’ll be sweeter like Twiggy, more biting like Janice, or dismissive like Paulina.

    Here’s hoping they bring back some former judges like Nole Marin from the very early years or that flexible gay guy who is always judging the girl’s movements (his name escapes me!)

  11. 11
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    Benny Ninja!

  12. 12
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    Actually, and I know this is hard to believe when talking about Tyra, by all accounts from the contestants, Paulina was anything but dismissive. All the contestants who’ve spoken with Rich from fourfour (Sheena, Allison and Celia are the ones I can think of off the bat) all said she was really helpful and friendly…can’t imagine why we didn’t see that.

    But, as much as I found Lisa grating on her first season, her appearance of Celebrity Rehab made me like her more. She clearly had issues at the time she was on ANTM that affected her behavior and pushed her over the top, but she seemed like a relatively together person who was open enough about her issues without being too far gone into addiction or there for the attention. And she looked younger and prettier than she did on ANTM.

  13. 13
    whattafan
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    I cannot wait to see what atrocious Vivienne Westwood concoction the girls end up wearing. I hope that it is something with a corset and bustle and 9 inch heels…

  14. 14
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    @ Sarcasatire, thanks! :-)

  15. 15
    Joy_Subtraction
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    Are we really doing an all-star season? Would we really need that if this show did, in fact, produce working “top” models? And I totally agree that Tyra will bring back Lisa just to shit on her all over again. I looooved Lisa and watching her on Rehab only made me love her more – because I knew she must have gone through some crap in her childhood but was actually a nice person regardless of how the other girls saw her. I mean, she *could* have acted like Angelea…

    I’m glad you’re doing these great recaps, because I just can’t force myself to watch this damn show anymore. It’s become so unwatchable it’s pathetic…and I watch some dumb shit. If we still had Miss Jay on panel, didn’t have Andre Leon “Butthead Gums” Talley, and brought back Paulina, Janice, Twiggy, and Sutan (in or out of drag) I’d probably be able to watch it again. It’s so fitting that Tyra is in love with Oprah and wants to be her so badly, because I now hate Tyra as much as I hate Oprah. They’re both the most self-important bitches on the planet and pretend to be concerned with other people, but really aren’t because they ask them “deep” questions and then interrupt them with some dismissive comment and start talking about themselves.

    Speaking of dismissive, I didn’t find Paulina like that at all. I mean, you know that woman has to be cool if she’s been married to Ric Ocasek forever. AND you could see in her eyes how much she couldn’t stand Tyra. I’m a fan of anyone who can’t stand Tyra.

  16. 16
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 12:09 am

    You’re welcome, Derek! I also love Benny Ninja and his flexible limbs. “Vogue..pose..hold!”

    @joy: My confusion over the whole All-Stars season is that the ladies from the earlier seasons surely must be too old to break into the modeling industry. How old is Shannon? Thirty? Ugh. I can just picture Tyra saying, “It’s not cause you’re not hot. But I can’t let you in because you’re old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth.”

    (Okay, a Knocked Up reference, but it fits!)

  17. 17
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 10:55 am

    @ Joy et al, you guys are probably right… maybe Paulina wasn’t dismissive, but for some reason, I recall her being much more difficult on the Eastern European girls (Cycle 10 Katarzyna comes to mind) than the other girls. That could just be my fuzzy memory, though. :-)

  18. 18
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 11:46 am

    She was hard on Katarzyna, but that girl had some issues. She needed someone to be hard on her! ;) I liked Paulina a lot, but I don’t think she really fit in with the camp that Tyra likes in panel. Compared to Tyra and Miss Jay she sounded too intelligent. I bet if she, instead of giving thoughtful advice, had worn crazy hats which got larger or smaller as the season went on and started making up her own words (or even better… using the words that Tyra makes up), they would have loved her. In my opinion, Paulina is too good for this show. She is beautiful, intelligent and married a rock star. So suck it, Tyra!

  19. 19
    loopygorilla
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    LOL P-baby i would do adam levine too! he would be my shameful F**K, in that, as soon as we are done, ill kick him out cuz i dont want to hear him talk.
    And you are in luck girl!, well sorta, cuz ure married lol Curtis Stone is in mix race/asian girls :P but not boys… boooooo
    and yes the male model was cute! gosh, they should ask me to model, ill give them sexual chemistry.
    and LOL @ jay’s makeup… omggggggggggggggggggggggg what the … did he raid the entire cover girl factory?
    speaking of covergirl, dont we normally have the last 3 do a cover girl commercial before one is eliminated?
    and finally, how many virgins did tyra sacrificed to get vivienne westwood for the finale show???

  20. 20
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    I love Vivienne Westwood! I have four of her bags, although at least two of them are worn down from overuse but I just can’t quit them. Plus, I’m poor now. LOL

    I’ve loved Adam Levine for ages. But it seems each year he gets cockier and cockier and less attractive. However, I still would. Several times, over a long weekend. Then, I’d just move on to the next instead of crying and asking myself why I didn’t poke holes in the condom. We’re talking ’bout growth here, folks. Growth.

  21. 21
    juddfan
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 11:24 am

    I think I know what I keep doing . . . I keep commenting on the mini caps, and then forget to check back . . . I keep saying,
    “Where’s my comment . . . didn’t I!?”

    I have to look up Lisa . . . if that’s the one I saw on Dr. Drew, or more correctly, read about in recaps here, I can’t believe she’s getting love from you guys . . . hmmm . . . do i have the wrong chick. Was she on the season with Heidi Fleiss?

    I do see Isis made the cut. I agree about the age thing, but perhaps they’re making this about cash and prizes and not necessarily a contract or whatev. If they dodge the age question the whole time, it might be funny.

    Joy_Subtraction, I really try not to hate Oprah . . . I really do . . . I’m harkened back to her award show for women or whatever that was on her front lawn that looked like a golf course. She is just soooo completely out of touch with the everyday . . . sigh . . . but I’ll always love “The Color Purple” hee.

  22. 22
    Deja Johnson
    Posted May 18, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    All Star Cast Lineup
    Cycle 1: Shannon Stewart, runner-up
    Cycle 2: Camille McDonald, fifth place
    Cycle 4: Brittany Bower, fourth place
    Cycle 5: Bre Scullark, third place
    Cycle 5: Lisa D’Amato sixth place
    Cycle 9: Bianca Golden, fourth place
    Cycle 10: Dominique Reighard, fourth place
    Cycle 11: Isis King, 10th place
    Cycle 11: Sheena Sakai, sixth place
    Cycle 12: Allison Harvard, runner-up
    Cycle 13: Laura Kirkpatrick runner-up
    Cycle 14: Angelea Preston, fourth place
    Cycle 15: Kayla Ferrel, fourth place
    Cycle 16: Alexandria Everett, fourth place

    Jade declined – “I declined #ANTM cycle 17 immensely because my contract was completely Bogus and one sided!
    To be Honest #ANTM is all about making “their money” and they do not care about us period!
    These girl’s just signed there Rights and Life away! Best of Luck to them cause they sure are going to need it!”

    http://cocoperez.com/2011-05-17-cast-revealed-for-americas-next-top-model-all-stars

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