ANTM: Matthew Rolston, King of Crustaceans

Gasmii, an exhausted P-Baby here ready to get to some recapping after undergoing dreadful flying conditions and a smack to the head by some random Indian man’s suit case.  Hey, Indian dude.  No one has moved on this flight in the past hour because we were afraid of plummeting to our death.  Which means your suit case is still just chilling out in the overhead bin exactly where you left it.  So sit down and wait your turn and for the love of Christ, never invade my personal space bubble again.

After enduring a minute of Previously On and Tyra’s spandex encased lady bits, we finally get to some new stuff.  The models arrive back at their pad after the latest elimination and Ann’s picture is right back on the jumbotron for a second week in a row.  We can continue to comment on Ann’s affinity for strange things, bad skin, gnarly teeth, etc, but as I stated last recap, I’m firmly aboard the Ann train.

Before I go any further, I’ve been thinking about some ANTM related things.   I’ve realized that if at any time the producers seemed like they were focusing on me a whole lot more or I was getting more camera time, my ass cheeks are immediately going to start puckering.  Every episode, any model that gets extra air time or some semblance of storyline (ie Annamaria, Terra, and Sara) gets a knock-off Louboutin spike heel to the ass 45 minutes later.  So, ladies, word to the wise.  Continue being the lifeless drones you are and do not attempt to grow a plotline.   Sorry for the tirade.  Tyra probably thinks it’s spelled tyrade.  Moving on.

Lexie informs us that this week is really important for her since she sucked last week which means one of two things.  Either she is going to nail her picture today or we finally get to lock up the ugly Duff sister back in the basement where she belongs.  With the way this day is going, Lexie is probably going to be around for at least another episode or two.

Goofing around in the house ensues and it is kind of refreshing to see these skinny bitches actually have a personality rather than suckling Tyra’s teat like they normally do.  Liz and Chris try to rid their room of white people while Kayla and Rhianna bum around talking about how Ann is kicking everyone’s ass and they want in on the ass-kicking action.

Rhianna continues further about how Ann was paired up with her in the casting week as her direct competition and that she really likes her as a person but is threatened by Ann being there.  Well, ladies and gents, Rhianna just received more than a minute of solid story line.  Bitch better pack up her hemp and find a VW van to pick her ass up.

Liz tells us at home that she wishes Rhianna would STFU already because Liz is on food stamps and raising a kid by herself.

Guys, more house drama.  Turns out, no one likes Kacey because she doesn’t talk to anyone.  Except Shaw, the male model from last episode whom she invites over for a barbeque along with whatever model schlubs he tricks into coming with him.  She eyefucks him for the rest of the party while everyone else stands on opposite sides of the room.  Mr. P-Baby would like to point out that due to this awkward lack of interaction, either the male models are gay or the girls must look like smashed assholes in person.  I choose the latter because some gays, a BBQ, and a kitschy house would have been fabulous fun.

The girls receive their first Tyra mail of the episode and are informed that their worlds will be turned upside down the next day.  You know, I could make fun of the silly little messages Tyra sends and the follow on speculation by the models but these girls just make it too easy that it feels cheap.  This time around, suggestions of the ANTM House being picked up and turned upside down are thrown out there and I just hang my head in sadness for the future of us all.

The next day, the girls are off to Knott’s Berry Farm theme park and are greeted by Sexy Bitch Nigel and Miss J.  Miss J looks…interesting today and is embracing the thick brow look that I keep hearing is so popular these days.

After a brief explanation that sometimes high fashion photo shoots require thinking outside the normal parameters of photography, Nigel tells them that they will be riding something called the Silver Bullet.  I don’t know why they went all the way to Knott’s Berry Farm when they could have just ordered each girl one off the internet.

I guess this Silver Bullet today is a roller coaster and each girl will be sitting in the front row, given an emotion to project while flying by the tourist camera at the end of the ride.  You know, the picture where everyone looks like crap and they charge you $29.95 for a stupid, ugly keychain.

Chris is not having any of this, since she hates roller coasters.  I feel like Chris gives us this face in every episode, and rightfully so.

Look at the idiots she is surrounded by.

Liz is up first and her assigned emotion is relatable/catalogue/charming.  Nigel, chill out and give her just one thing.  But keep talking because I love you.  Liz does surprisingly well considering she comments and complains about every-fucking-thing.

Kacey is supposed to be edgy but her word really should be baggy.  Girlfriend must share a blood relative with Droopy Dog.  Get yourself some Canadian Preparation H, Kacey, and it may help some.  I’m sure you all are asking, “But P-Baby, why Canadian?” Well, Gasmii, as I read during my travels today, only the Canadian version of Preparation H contains the necessary ingredient Bio-dyne to reduce the appearance of wrinkles and bags.  Learn something everyday, huh?

Lexie goes next and is told to depict jealousy and envy.  She should have no problem with these emotions since Hilary just bagged herself a hockey billionaire and even Haley has herself a quasi-celeb in Nick Zano.  If I were participating in this photoshoot, my emotion would be shame, as that is all I currently feel for taking the extra time to IMDB Haley Duff in order to confirm her relationship status with Nick Zano.  FML.

Jane is supposed to look melancholy but Jane doesn’t know what melancholy means so she’s probably just going to look rich again.

Kayla is directed to do a sulking model pout.  It should be easy for her since she’s a smart lesbian surrounded by straight assholes but the end result tells a different story altogether.

Chelsey is supposed to have a secret that no one else knows and it looks like she does the same scary ghost-eyed thing that she’s done the past two weeks.  Chelsey claimed she was called Casper in high school but I’m beginning to think that she really is a ghost who’s not all that friendly.

Nigel likes Esther’s picture.  That bitch better watch her back.

Ann is supposed to look intense and fierce and Nigel loses a sexy bitch half point for saying fierce.

Rhianna is told to emulate model fear, whatever the fuck that means.  She acts like she knows though, so more power to her.

Guys, that whack to the head by the Indian man must have caused me to black out for a couple seconds because I totally forgot Kendal rode the roller coaster and was even assigned an emotion.  What the hell?

Great, time for the theatrics.  Chris is crying, blah blah blah, I’m so scared, blah blah blah, don’t want to do it, blah blah, I have to, blah, I’m strong, BLAH FUCKING BLAH.  Chris rides the roller coaster and an angel gets its wings.

While all this is going on, Nigel says the words I’ve been waiting all my life to hear.

Finally, the challenge ends and Liz is crowned winner.  Frankly, I think Liz had the easiest emotion.  All she had to do was smile.  No biggie though.  As this is going on, Mr. P-Baby decided to talk over Nigel repeating the challenge prize.  The conversation went a little something like this.

Mr P-Baby: “So does that mean she’s got immunity?”  P-Baby: “No.  This isn’t Survivor.”  Mr. P-Baby: “So what does she win?”  P-Baby: “I guess a photo shoot with Tyra and those two hos she just picked.”   Mr. P-Baby: “Oh.  That sucks.  I’d rather not have pictures Tyra.”  P-Baby: “Word.”

Liz picks Chris and Kayla which I enjoyed because Chris did seem truthfully afraid of the roller coaster and Kayla seems like a pretty cool chick now that she has stopped squeaking through her words.

Liz shows up for her shoot with Tyra and I should mention that the pictures are going on Tyra’s website that HASN’T EVEN BEEN LAUNCHED YET.  Do these girls not listen with both ears?  In layman’s terms, Liz’s pictures are never seeing the light of day.  Thank you, come again.

Tyra also shoots film of Kayla and Chris and Kayla means business.  She’s going to be giving Ann some competition in the next few episodes, just wait and see.

After the photo shoot, Tyra invites the girls for some tea and strumpets like the Mad Hatter she is and proceeds to eat all the raisin bread.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Lexie is bitching about cleaning all the time.  Legitimate concern but probably a lost cause lecturing these bimbos.  Half the time they don’t even look like they clean their bodies, let alone the house they live in.

The target of Lexie’s anger specifically is Kacey.  Props to Lexie for actually telling Kacey to her face she doesn’t like her, though that is far too mature for my reality TV loving psyche to appreciate.  I want some pulled hair, bitches.

Lexie tells Kacey that everyone talks shit about her and doesn’t like her.  Instead of taking it in and doing some insight as to why this may be and fixing it, Kacey decides the problem must be with everyone else, does the exact opposite and gets up in everyone’s face demanding answers.  Then, Kacey says fuck it because there is only one winner anyway.  Girlfriend is ridin’ solo.

Tyra Mail arrives for the photo shoot of this week and it states “True Beauty lies just under the surface.”  OMG, guys, what could it mean?!?!?  Maybe they’re skinning our bodies and making costumes out of our skin sheets circa Buffalo Bill?  AHHHHH, I can’t wait!

The next day, the girls head out to smashbox studios and find my fair maiden Jay waiting to greet them.  The highly stylized fashion shots are going to include millions of dollars in jewelry and some soggy crustaceans.  Conducting the shoot today will be Matthew Rolston who I’m not sure if I’ve actually heard of him or if it is just me confusing him with Mark Ronson, of Amy Blaaaaaaaaaake Winehouse fame.

I warm to Matthew immediately because not only does he seem twenty times more knowledgable than the wench photographer from last episode, but he offers constructive criticism as well as compliments, rather than just saying, “Ugh, no good.”  I’ve yet to see a photographer get into such excrutiating detail that Matthew did and I can definitely respect his photography as an art form.  Ok, no more seriousness or compliments.  We’ve got hot mess pictures to get to.

Kendal is up first and Jay coaches her to exude a sexual look and feel the beat of the club in her head.  I love how for two straight photoshoots, Kendal of “Keep that demon semen away from me” fame wants to look sexual.  Methinks someone is itching to lose that flower.

Kayla goes next and is compared to a sexy Ariel with her flaming red hair.  But seeing as her purple clam shell bra and plucky friend Flounder were MIA, I fail to see the connection.

Chelsey follows and just looks kind of terrible, though she is not entirely to blame.  It’s not her fault the make up artist decided to try out his paintball gun on her face first.

Esther looks awesome so she may have a career in modeling after all as long as it consists of laying completely still and doesn’t include gluing feathers to her eyebrows and wearing a vagina harness.

Chris goes after Esther and is mandated to pose with her hand over her forehead since her forehead really does go on for days.  She pulls it off pretty well but it does kind of look like she just remembered she left her pumpkin spice candle burning on her counter and hopes her husband doesn’t come home to a house of ashes (Umm…I may be drawing from personal, very recent experience.)

Lexie poses and starts complaining about the water moving making her feel like puking.  I feel as if Lexie may have some serious deep rooted mental complexes as a product of her youth that are slowly beginning to come out.  Does anyone else get that vibe?  She seems to like to fuck with people an awful lot.  Like more than what is socially acceptable.

Kacey calls bullshit on Lexie’s puking stuff and kicks her picture’s ass.

Jane’s photo session lasted literally 5 seconds with her being told to lift her chin high and nothing else.

Ann goes next and guess what?  Ann makes that picture her bitch AGAIN.

Rhianna watches as Ann goes and voices over that working with Matthew Rolston is a once in a life time opportunity.  It’s good that she got her one time in since it’s definitely not ever going to happen again.  Rhianna looks ok but in her maryjane filled haze, has trouble moving her face to different poses.

Last but not least, Liz brings up the rear and keeps blinking her eyes because her makeup has messed up her contacts.  I feel for Liz.  Back when I was a single P-Baby and used to frequent the bar scene and before the wonders of laser eye surgery, my contacts used to get irritated to no end by the cancer filled smoke that the redneck cretins used to blow into the air.  But, if my ass and my make believe kid’s ass were on the line in a competition, I would have stopped fucking with my contacts and turned my shit out.

Guess what guys?  More backstage shots of Tyra and the gang.  Tyra still hasn’t reached the level of crazy dressing she should be at but at least she has started straying from her little black dress bullshit.  Though she probably didn’t need to wear hot bubblegum pink two weeks in a row.  I think Mr. P-Baby put it perfectly when he said this:

You know what else is awesome about Matthew?  The fact that he thanks Tyra for inviting him to be a part of the whole thing and she says “You’re so welcome,” as if we are all supposed to believe that Tyra did HIM a favor.

All the ladies walk in and Tyra goes over the prizes.  Again.  Ready for pictures?  Me too.

Kacey is up first and gets slammed for a second week in a row for something she is wearing.  This time around, I wholeheartedly agree because her shoes are fugly.  Tyra switches with her and actually proves that sometimes a black pump is really all you need.

After the fashion snafu, Kacey gets props for her picture and while I think she looks pretty, her open mouth is distracting me.

Kayla’s picture is awesome.  Nothing follows.

Esther’s picture makes her look way prettier than she does in person.  Her eyebrows are much less alarming in the photo as well so Esther and the Tits get to stick around another week.

Time out, Gasmii.  I’d just like to point out that when you have a photographer that is actually good as opposed to a photographer that is “reputed” as good, every picture turns out well, even the bad ones.  Case and point with Matthew.  Apparently I’ve hopped on the Matthew love train.  Full steam ahead.

Ann kills it for a third week in a row.  Ann’s going to find herself with a bald head and a broken leg if she doesn’t stop outshining all the other girls.  They know where she sleeps at night.

Chris’s picture is also quite good and the hand on the forehead actually does a good job selling the gorgeous ring on her pinky.  I have always shied away from the pinky ring for fear of looking like a pimp, but Chris kind of makes me want to renavigate that slippery slope.  Matthew says Chris’s picture was his favorite of the day which is a major compliment.  Rock on, Chris.

Jane’s picture is pretty but nothing significant, kind of like Jane herself.  I really hope Jane is a blast off camera because she seems void of anything similar to a personality.  In fact, I almost forgot to include her in this because I was distracted by my Mom’s pumpkin bread scent wafting through the house.  Then I realized the entire Jane segment had gone by and had to rewind.  Whoops.  My bad, Jane.

Lexie finally turns out a good picture but the judges don’t want any more profile shots and instead are looking for something head on.

Be careful what you wish for, judges.  I’ve seen this bitch head on in her one on one confessionals and it is not a pretty sight.

Rhianna is told she looks uncomfortable and she says she had fun with the whole thing.  The judges aren’t feeling it and tell her as much.

Kendal finally takes a great picture and shows that she actually can be a model.  Matthew tells everyone it was a struggle to get that great shot, but he got it none theless.

Chelsey’s picture is terrible.  She looks like Divine circa Pink Flamingos only skinny and gets slammed for wearing too much make up in her picture.  Hey judges, might want to bring that up with the professional make up artist who made Chelsey’s lips bleed red.  Chelsey was fucked from the get go because if she fought back about the make up, she’s then labeled as difficult.  Chelsey is a less is more kind of girl.  Even I can see that and I’m no professional, unless buying Lash Blast by the pound at Wal-Mart makes me one.

Liz goes last again and the overall consensus is bad.  Liz starts going on with her contacts excuse again and it makes me wonder if Liz has ever seen this show.  The Tyra does not compute excuses and Nigel is there to back her up.  I actually agree with the judges on this one.  Excuses always sound like whining and I wouldn’t stand for it either.

Deliberation time.  Just imagine in your head the Charlie Brown teacher voice and you’ll get the same amount of information out of it.

Gasmii, Ann just won best picture for a third week in a row.  Has that ever happened before?  Kacey gets second and Esther gets third.  The rest is immaterial and the final two comes down to Rhianna and Liz.  Rhianna gets the boot in the end, since Tyra takes mercy on Liz and her food stamps for another week.

Well Gasmii, since I’ve been sentenced to completing this recap on my Dad’s dinosaur of a computer, I’m going to call it a night.  See you all next week!