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Gasmii it’s the finale of cycle 16! Serenity now! Someone’s going to win tonight and then we’ll never have to see them again except in random magazine advertisements and the occasional walk on role on a CW show. Which is nothing to sneeze at, by the way. I would have given my left tit (the big one, as we all know) back in the day to have a walk on role on 7th Heaven. In one fell swoop I would have boned Simon, Matt, Lucy’s ridiculously hot husband Officer Kinkirk, and maybe even the Reverend Camden. Who knows? I’m a loose cannon.
Guys, Molly went to rehab. The fuck? I think she might have mentioned that last episode but how has that not been mentioned prior to the last two episodes of the show? I’d like her a million times more if I was watching her strung out ass on Intervention rather than blabbing about her high cheek bones on this hot mess. At least Intervention is a hot mess I can get behind for fear of Jeff VanVonderen showing up at my door to make me toe the line and give up cookies.
Ivan Fart (what? I’m twelve) meets with each girl on an individual basis to get to know them better. He quizzes them about moving away from home and some other stuff but I’m finding it hard to pay attention because Mr. P-Baby won’t shut the fuck up about the Diet V8 Splash in the fridge and how it tastes like mango and only has 10 calories a serving.
Cover Girl commercial time! We knew this was happening because this is the finale every cycle. Things are getting stressful so Brittani’s going to cry again. I’d hate to see what would become of Brittani if anything serious happened to her like scabies or smallpox because bitch cries at the drop of a hat. It’s super annoying. Ok, so I cried like a goddamn baby when Michael Scott left The Office a couple weeks ago, but before that it was a really long time ago and it was at my best friend’s wedding. Shut up, all of you.
Molly’s commercial isn’t too terrible and she looks great and kind of like a 1950′s superhero. Brittani also looks great and that haircut really does work on her face. Looks aside, neither of these idiots could sell makeup to a clown, Joan Rivers, or any member of the Kardashian family. They suck. For the beauty shot, Molly looks gorgeous. Brittani looks fantastic too. I can’t wait to see the photos of these two. I wish Molly was a nicer person because I’d say she’d have it in the bag on looks alone.
The next day the girls head to their Italian Vogue shoot and some Italian people mumble broken English about stuff presumably concerning the photo shoot and then hair and makeup ensues. I told you, I’m bad with accents so I have no idea what these crazy people are saying. I dated a guy from Alabama for awhile once and that didn’t work out because 1. He was legit seeking help for mental issues crazy, not just woman perceived ”it’s not going to work out so I’ll make up that the guy is crazy” crazy and 2. I could never understand what the fuck he was drawling about in his sweet, southern twang. Molly continues to complain about everything, Brittani does her thing and the Italians keep mumbling. I’m just trying to figure out why a magazine with every major fashion designer at their fingertips chooses to dress the girls in pajamas for their final shoot.
After the photo shoot, Molly’s horrible, evil, wretched home-wrecking parents are waiting in the house. Molly was adopted when she was four days old so bitch needs to shut the fuck up about any sort of abandonment issues or whatever fake self-diagnosis she gives herself to make up for being a shithead. Poor Brittani’s mom isn’t coming to visit due to back surgery (cough..pain meds…cough) and agoraphobia (cough..methhead paranoia…cough) so they chat it up via interweb. Ok, it’s mean to stereotype but I wouldn’t trust my meth stash around Brit’s mom for 30 seconds.
It’s the final catwalk and castoffs Kasia, Hannah, and Alexandria are back to walk in the show along with last year’s winner Anne. Anne is awkward and happy as usual and it’s almost refreshing to see her but not quite. I’m not sure what the hell is going on with the make up and hair tonight but it’s a little Memoirs of a Geisha mixed with Betsy Johnson’s hair I guess. It’s a Vivienne Westwood shoot so I suppose it’s to be expected. The girls are walking and admittedly are pretty fierce until BRITTANI BITES IT AT THE END OF HER FINAL WALK. WOW! Has that happened before? She didn’t just trip. Bitch like flat out fell on her face. That sucks so hard.
Gasmii, I won’t draw this out any longer. The rest of the episode is obviously judging the photos, the commercial, and the runway with a crowing on the winner which I of course am not going to say here so you have to come back and read the recap. Who do you think should win?? Will Brittani ever stop crying? Will Molly ever not be angry? Check back in a few days for the full recap!