ANTM Minicap

Last night on ANTM, the show awkwardly starts and for the first five minutes, it seems like I missed the opening, but what I think happened is that the editors don’t give a tiny goat shit pellet about this show anymore.

Tyra shows up in at the model house sporting her newsboy finest with a global branding expert named Martin in tow.  I hate him already because I am pre-emptively blaming him for why the Kardashians are still a thing.  I myself may be to blame because I keep buying the stupid tabloids with them all over the cover.  It’s a vicious cycle.

Anyway, everyone keeps saying branding and it would be awesome in the course of Martin’s teachings, he whipped out a fiery hot poker and branded each girl with ANTM on their non-existent ass cheeks leaving a scar like those totally hard core fraternities do.  Also, guys, Lisa is busted.

Martin assigns each girl a “brand”, which..how many personas per cycle can a girl be assigned? And if we’re going to label them, why can’t we just slap “vapid” across all their foreheads and wrap this shit up in fifteen minutes?  I’ve got my favorite gays on Modern Family to tend to.  Martin discusses with Never Nude about how she was a virgin the first time around on ANTM.  Who wants to bet that the lady who is fine with wearing bikini bottoms but not lace granny panties was the type of virgin who knew her way around a hummer?

Guys, Ashlee Simpson is here and ready to oversee makeovers.  Seriously.  Ashlee Simpson.  The girl who looks like a reject from an Avril Lavigne fashion show, which that in itself would be so awesome and pathetic at the same time if it were true.   Adding to Ashlee’s ridiculousness is the fact that she dated Ryan “I fake dated Audrina to get on The Hills” Cabrera and still bitch fights with Michelle Trachtenberg over Pete “I wear more eyeliner than Taylor Momsen” Wentz.  I don’t like her.  Anyway, her input is useless as expected and the last time I even remember liking this wench was when she was busy trying to devirginize Simon Camden.

So as expected, girls that had an inkling of fame think that their hair is “THE HAIR THAT SHALL REMAINED UNTOUCHED” and cry, scream, threaten to quit, etc.  Newsflash assholes: quitting a show that will give you more exposure than you’ve had in four score and seven years ago immediately after your head has been shaved into a mohawk is probably not a good call.  At least quit at the end after you’ve learned all the professional styling tips.

At the shoot, the girls are tasked with making a hotdog from Pinks with the idea of their brand in mind and then pose with the hot dog while exuding their brand.  Yes, it was as stupid as it sounds but I love a ballpark dog myself.  Continued drama ensues with hair, etc and its getting old fast.  Models?  Get another a job if you want full control of your hair or the clothing you do or do not wear.  Check back in a few days for the full recap and to see who gets sent back to Z-list famedom.