Hi Gasmii! P-Baby here, ready to bring to you the makeover edition of America’s Next Top Model. Does anyone not look forward to this episode in anticipation of full blown meltdowns and the atrocities that are sure to occur? I had the fortunate luck of Mr. P-Baby joining me for this week’s viewing. 90% of the time he hides in our room watching whatever professional sports event is on TV but perhaps because I got him liquored up over dinner, he was feeling a little saucy and decided to throw in his two cents about The Banks.
Mr. P-Baby: “Who put that lady in charge of this show? She was never even awesome. The only way I’d bang her is because I have a rule to bang any famous person who wants to bang me. Or if I was really drunk.”
P-Baby: “What about Kathy Bates?”
Mr. P-Baby: “Yeah, well, she’s pretty famous right?”
P-Baby: “Yes, she sure is, that there is an Oscar winning actress.”
Mr. P-Baby: ”Well then…you heard the rule.”
So the ladies arrive back at Chateau Shitshow and discover an Alice in Wonderlandesque “Pull Me” rope dangling in their living room window. This program is not cool enough to generate a guttural fart sound upon pulling of said rope, so instead a sign falls with a bunch of non-sensical words scribbled all over it that look like a page ripped out of Pervy Uncle Nigel’s diary of naughty thoughts.
Admittedly, some of the makeover ideas sound a little iffy but I find it ironic that Rat Tail Rhonda is the one most upset about what is sure to be her makeover of manly short brown spikes.
The next day the girls arrive at Prive Salon in Hollywood and meet the Js who will be running their makeovers today. Yes, that’s right. These two are in charge of overseeing the makeover transformation to turn these girls into real bookable professional models.
A cute old man named Laurent D credited with the hair styling of Tina Fey and Jennifer Garner pops out from around the corner and I guess he runs the place so he needs to make sure no disasters happen lest he never touch the tresses of Mrs. Affleck again. Miss J tells the girls after their makeover they will jump right into a photo shoot to show off their new looks which we all know by now because this is the 16th cycle of this shit.
So the makeovers commence and all appears to be running smoothly for now. Laurent D chops off Brittani’s hair in a few snips and girlfriend goes from having hair down her back to being on the brink of having a new mortal enemy.
PS. Completely unrelated but if I ever wake up in the middle of the night and see that creepy Dutch Boy asshole staring back at me, I would shit my pants for the rest of my life.
So Brittani’s rocking this dutch boy thing and she’s pretty enough to pull it off but I for one can’t style my hair worth a shit so I’m curious to see how this looks on her like a week from now when left to her own styling devices.
Jaclyn’s makeover idea is Big, Gurly, and Curly. So aside from the fact that we apparently misspell words on purpose to be cutesy, Jaclyn looks exactly the same. Which I suppose is fine because she had pretty hair to begin with but how is this going to lead to totally awesome Rosemary’s Baby Mia Farrow hair tantrums? Boring.
Guys, Monique is a bitch. Plain and simple. I can’t figure out who her personality reminds me of because she’s more of a bitch than starlets will let on publicly. Anyway, she’s happy because she also looks exactly the same as she did before, only now instead of regular hair, she possesses the same stuff on her head that can turn into this.
Monique’s not going to make it in this line of work. She needs to sashay the attitude, eye-fucking face, and sex appeal three lots over to the set of Co-Ed Confidential. (PS. Cinemax After Dark is genius. Don’t watch in HD, though. You’ve been warned.)
Sara’s up next and the very first thing that happens is that her rat tail is set free into the wild. She wants a weave in the worst way and I want her to never, EVER offer her rat tail up for licking in my presence again.
Also, something else that should never happen again? This.
So Sara sees the writing on the wall and realizes she is the recipient of manly, brown spikes. I actually thinks she looks better than the shit she had on her head before but she’s not into it. Doesn’t matter anyway because 1. As clearly displayed by Sara’s neck, her hair grows like wildfire and 2. Like, does she honestly think she’s going to win?
Alexandria’s turn and after getting her abysmal black roots fixed, she starts freaking out about the extensions getting glued to her head. On top of being a model and a gourmet barbecue chicken chef, Alexandria is apparently a jack of all trades and knows everything there is to know about hair extensions. I won’t fault her on the fact that she doesn’t like fake hair because, really.
But I will fault her for talking down to the hairdresser, crying, and saying the words, “My way is the right way.” Oh, she also looks the same. What the hell, makeovers?
Dominique’s hair is going red with matching eyebrows. Dominique bores me, so here’s a summary. She cries, then gets a weave put in, then likes the end result.
Molly. Oh, Molly. This is going well, isn’t it?
Molly is the recipient of something that looks like it’s going to go just horribly wrong. Laurent D puts it brilliantly.
Even Miss J defects a little bit, acknowledging it looks like a shit sandwich, trying to figure out a way to style it for the photo shoot and then attempting to fix it after the fact. Molly is handling having a Glam Rock Hair Band wig sewn to her head pretty well. I like Molly. She can stay.
Mikaela is the third model to just get extensions to go with her already standing head of hair. So…she looks the same, only even more Vulturri-ish.
Kasia gets the same kind of hair as Molly, only for some reason, Kasia’s doesn’t look like shit. Well, it kind of does but that’s not the point. The point is Kasia’s head can pass for normal.
Dalya gets a long, straight-haired weave sewn to her head. This is the most of weavings and extensions I think I’ve ever seen on this show before. It seems like in seasons past there was a lot more playing with colors and edgy hair cuts, etc. Maybe the Italian Vogue influence told Tyra to stop fucking around with 1998 haircuts.
Hannah got highlights and her eyebrows lightened. She seemed to have a ton of hair on her head to begin with so it appears as though she escaped the weave nonsense and got her color palette a little more cohesive.
So the makeovers are over. Half the girls look exactly as they did prior to arriving at the salon, albeit with better makeup and longer hair. Molly played her cards right, not complaining at the salon but blowing a gasket in the car ride home, away from the professionals, and away from those who would chastise her and tell her that models don’t get to complain or have opinions. Her natural hair is already visibly rejecting the weave that sits atop it and this face makes me want to be her BFF.
Doesn’t it feel like we’ve been talking about hair for 8 hours? I’m positively exhausted. Good thing there’s Tyra Mail to rescue us. ”Tomorrow you’ll learn about photosynthesis.” Shockingly, Sara seems to know that photosynthesis has something to do with plants and guesses that they’ll be dressed as flowers.
The girls arrive at the photo shoot the next day and meet photographer Pamela Hanson and stylist Lori Goldstein. Lori Goldstein was adorable last season, I think, and is equally as cute this season. The girls are going to be wearing couture designs and posing in groups because there’s still 11 of them and group shots are the lazy man’s way of determining who’s going to be a standout this season.
Lori gets busy styling the girls in these over the top dresses that I am totally digging and it almost seems like it’s a little too early into the season to be putting these girls in outfits like this. I feel like episode three should be like modeling the I-N-C Macy’s brand stuff rather than Carolina Herrera. Not that there’s anything wrong with I-N-C stuff, but come on. These girls are only a couple weeks out of their American Eagle jeans and H & M shirt vests.
Side note: Am I the only one that misses the days where people knew how to dress for the Oscars?
First up in the shoot are Molly and Kasia. Molly’s hair is disguised by a Mad Hatter concoction and both girls look very pretty. Since their shoot is fairly uneventful, let’s go back to Alexandria who is busy crying in her chair AGAIN because her head hurts or something dumb like that. Then, her lip starts swelling because of a “pimple.”
Gasmii, this photo shoot is pretty boring so I don’t think we need to beat the dead horse. Here are a few photos from it. Takeaways are that Alexandria was mean to Monique so Monique didn’t pose well, Sara is struggling with her androgynous look (which is odd because I know she didn’t just all of a sudden look like a man. That shit’s been going on for years.) and Dominique is the third wheel in her photo.
So this entire time I thought there were 12 girls left because that’s normally what there is but there’s actually only 11 and I feel dumb. Oh well. So after this panel and elimination, there will only be 10 girls left. I’m half-Asian. I’m supposed to be half good at math. Guess those genes aren’t as strong as I thought. Thanks for nothing, Mom.
Back at the house, everyone is afraid of Alexandria because Alexandria is confusing being competitive and strong with being a royal bloody bitch. I’m sure this will come to a head, like her “pimple” at some point but tonight is not that night.
At panel, the Talleywhacker is back!!! Thanks cattyfan for coining the moniker! I was concerned that after choosing the most perfect name for Andre’s friend that it would be gone but no, fortunately as we’ve seen on seasons past, insane panel fashions have a tendency to stick through an entire cycle.
Let’s get to these critiques and photos.
1. Monique and Alexandria. These two idiots hold hands walking down the runway to the panel like Monique didn’t just sit and pout for five minutes because Alexandria was mean to her. Alexandria looks like Marcia Brady tonight but she does rock a pair of mom jeans way better than Jessica Simpson ever did.
The judges love their picture, with Alexandria getting kudos for rocking the picture but scolded for being a brat behind the scenes.
2. Brittani and Hannah. The judges love this picture too, with Brittani being called out for her makeover turning her into a star.
3. Dalya, Jaclyn, and Dominique. Dalya and Jaclyn are applauded for whatever they’re doing in their picture and poor literally red-headed stepchild Dominique is basically told she ruins the picture.
4. Sara and Mikaela. These two twigs leave much to be desired. I think Mikaela is going to fall victim to being very striking in person but unable to translate it into being a “model.”
5. Molly and Kasia. The Banks tells Molly if she stays that they’ll have to take care of that hair. Which leaves me to wonder, if she gets eliminated, would she just leave as is and be responsible for fixing the nightmare Banks just attached to her head? That seems sort of fucked. Not that I’d expect anything less. Never fear, though, as the judges love the picture and think Molly was the standout in it.
In the end, the judges hand over best photo to Alexandria but warn her that her diva antics are bullshit and to cut it out. I’m sure giving her best photo is going to change her attitude henceforth. Sara and Dominique land in the final two with Dominique getting the heave ho from The Banks. Gasmii, what did you think of the makeovers? Is Tyra over it? Why does everyone look the same? Come back next week for the return of my little lovely cannoli Francesco Carrozini!!