ANTM Recap: Coco Rocha Sounds Like Almond Roca

Hello Gasmi!  P-Baby here with the latest ANTM Recap.  Have you all got your Halloween costumes ready to go?  Mine just arrived from Amazon two days ago.  Here’s what I’ll be going as this year.  I figured I can eat all the candy I want and then use it as onesie pajamas once Halloween is over.   In the meantime, I’ve been baking and eating pumpkin bread like its my job while Rosemary’s Baby/Halloweentown/Paranormal Activity play in the living room so needless to say, I’m PUMPED for Halloween.

Last night, we start off once again with Haggis Face and Bianca going at it.  The fight would be far more entertaining if we hadn’t been watching it happen for what seems like 137 episodes already.  Not to mention, Haggis Face and Bianca fighting about who’s a bitch and who shouldn’t be there is laughable.  First, we know Bianca is a bitch.  Why else would Nikki Blonsky kick Bianca’s mom in the vagina?  Secondly, Haggis, have you LOOKED in the mirror lately?  Know your place.  For example, I love me some Ryan Reynolds but I’m not about to throw down against Blake Lively in any department whatsoever unless it’s a throwdown about proper enunciation of words commonly found in the English language.

(Sidenote: I was trying to find a picture of Blake Lively and then a picture of an Asian studying to do the juxtaposition of what our throw down would look like but the picture above is SO MUCH BETTER.)

Tyramail:  If you care about anything, you won’t drop the ball.  Fierce and love, Tyra.  Banks.  Oh, Banks.  Fucking STOP with fierce.  This is cycle 17.  Tyra needs her own personal Regina George (I nominate Andre) to inform her it’s not going to happen.  It’s worth pointing out that both Lisa and Bre get ample screen time within the first five minutes so I know one of those hoes are going home to a quasi-modeling career and/or a still-busted face that will be even more busted now that the professional makeup will be gone.

For the challenge, the girls show up at a beach and are greeted by Nigel.  Nigel is accompanied by Brittny Gastineau, socialite, model, and freeloader:

and “Fiercely Real” model Julie Henderson which is The Banks’s condescending way of describing models who are bigger than a zero and actually consume nutrients on the regular.

As long as we’re being Fiercely Real with each other, Banks, than you need to go up a size or three like 10 years ago.

Here is how we viewers get insulted today.  Bre describes Brittny Gastineau as “An incredible socialite that everyone strives to be at some point in their life.”  Bitch, please.  At various points in my life I wanted to be a veterinarian, Paula Abdul, a lawyer, a screenwriter, a teacher, the Vice-President, and a CIA special agent.  Never have I wanted to be a “socialite.”  Being a socialite is not a job.  Being on the 2005 Maxim Hot 100 List at #60 is not a job.  Having a reality show on E! Network is NOT A JOB.  The sad thing about all this is that Brittny Gastineau will be infinitely more successful in life than any of the ANTM contestants solely because her trick mom banged an ex-NFL player and bequeathed her daughter a recognizable last name.  Have I made my point?  I need to move on.

So today, the models will be split into two teams, Red and Blue, and playing in a flag football game.  Joining them will be the eliminated models from this cycle in order to make two complete teams as well as four players from the NFL (Julian Edelman and Jahvid Best are the Blue Team. Kareem Jackson and Dante Hughes are the Red Team.)  Here are the Mensa members now.

Each NFL player has selected a charity to play for and whichever team wins will be awarded $5000 to split between the two charities.  I’m totally down with any amount as a donation is good enough but $2500?  Really?  1.5 Jeopardy clues, like not even close to the top Wheel of Fortune prize amount in one spin?  Why is this show so goddamn cheap?   That is honestly the best we can do for a charity?  Color me ungrateful but I know $5000 is a drop in the bucket for Banks.  The least that hosebeast could do is dig into her own pockets if she can fit her hand into her shellacked-on pants and toss out $5000 to each charity.

So the Red Team has Lisa who declares herself incredibly fit along with really, really, ridiculously good-looking, Kayla who informs us she is a sports-playing lesbian (Kayla, we’re not new here.) Never Nude who is apparently totally OK with running around playing football in bikini bottoms with her vagina flapping away in the ocean breeze but still not OK with gigantic lace shorts at a stationary photo shoot, Alexandria, and Dominique.  Blue Team has Bre, Laura, Angelea, Bianca, and Allison.  But Gasmii, today they aren’t just playing football.  The girls will also sporadically be challenged with posing on the field and whoever has the best photo will win a campaign on TypeF.com, a Banks website joint, and some broke-ass jewelry designed by that Gastineau thing.

During the game, Bianca gets after Lisa with plenty of elbows, Bre missed her calling with gym-class level quarterbacking, and the non-confrontational Never Nude doesn’t enjoy being looked at like she’s about to get tackled.  The photo challenge in the middle of the game is as stupid as it sounds but here’s a couple shots from it.

Lisa scores the first touchdown and since I’m not a sports announcer that specializes in play by plays, I’ll just go ahead and tell you that the Blue Team eventually wins the game and Kayla wins best photo.  As IF Kayla isn’t already thinking about how quickly she can get the Gastineau jewelry up on eBay to make a quick $20.   Oh my god.  Here is a piece of Gastineau Garbage on HSN if you are curious as to what this shit sells for.  I’m sure the OC Real Housewives have already adorned themselves accordingly.

Kayla heads off to her photo shoot for TypeF.com and meets Andre who is there to style her shoot.  I don’t know how Andre manages his schedule, with the rice industry positively booming but somehow he manages to escape the fields for a few hours to hang out with Kayla.

Andre says TypeF was inspired by Banks’s love of the word fierce and asks Kayla what her F-word is.  Captain Obvious picks Free and Andre is so over it that he just shuts her up during her explanation of freedom and loving yourself and shoves her into hair and makeup and proceeds with the shoot.

Back at the house, another Tyramail rolls in: Get ready to claw your way to the top.  After some boring overanalyzing of the competition around the house, the models show up the  next day at Voyeur night club and are greeted by Jay.  He tells them they will be having bitchfights in pairs on film for the shoot while posing alongside Coco Rocha.  Coco is a super famous model who’s been on a shit ton of magazine covers and walks runways as frequently as I walk to the fridge for Diet Pepsi.

Let’s state the obvious.  Her name is stupid.  Wikipedia says her given name is Mikhaila which seems just fine to me but whatevs.  If she wants to be Coco, then she can continue to pretend to be a voluptuous tanorexic blonde trophy wife rather than a striking supermodel.  Here’s Coco, for those who stopped being able to recognize supermodels by name after the 1990′s:

Usually I don’t pay too much attention to the photographer but watching the episode a second time around, I still SO WOULD with the photographer today.  Which got me thinking…is my little cannoli Francesco Carrozini making an appearance this season?  Does anyone know?

The first pair up today are Never Nude and Bianca.  Never Nude tells us she was immediately nervous by having to work with Bianca but I’m done with Never Nude’s sensitive soul bullshit.  Grow a goddamn pair and act like an adult.  One loudmouth trick should not make a normal functioning adult so uneasy which makes me wonder what other issues Never Nude has going on that hasn’t been discussed.  On set, Bianca and Never Nude pretend like everything is fine and get to posing.  Here’s a candid shot:

Allison and Kayla are paired up next and Coco Rocha puts these amateur bitches to shame.  Kayla is upset about being paired with doe-eyed Allison which I think this picture depicts perfectly.

Laura and Angelea are the next pair and since I haven’t found another place in the recap to put it (and the screencaps are masking the problem made so obvious on my humongous high resolution flat screen at home), homegirls need to get themselves on the QVC auto-delivery for ProActiv ASAP.  The refining mask is a godsend.  Angelea has a mid shoot crying breakdown because, well why not, but once she gets over it, she turns it out:

Alexandria and Bre are the next coupling and both bitches keep screaming through the shoot that, full disclosure, I just fast-forwarded.

Lisa decides to return from whatever 1986 junkie wind tunnel she’s been hiding in to participate in the shoot today:

At panel, I want to punch Lisa in the face.  Like, I don’t even feel as though I need to explain why.  After I finish punching Lisa in the face, I want to punch myself in the face for continuing to watch and recap this mess.

Apparently during the taping of the show, Coco was live-tweeting some…uh…candid opinions of what was going on at the shoot.  She might have a little snark going on in that Stretch Armstrong frame of hers.  Check it out if you’re bored.  Scroll down for the ANTM tweets.

1. Kayla and Allison.  The judges like it but I find it boring, no?  Also, Coco is clearly the star in the photo.

2.  Shannon and Bianca.  Banks busts out her favorite phrase ugly pretty.  Nigel spends most of the time during this critique gushing about Coco.  Man, it sucks to be an ANTM contestant.

3.  Angelea and Laura.  Poor Laura looks like a mall shopper pulled off the street to participate in a photoshoot.  PS.  Banks should never have a striking supermodel pose alongside her girls ever again.

 

4.  Alexandria and Bre.  Banks ironically tells Alexandria she looks like a reality show contestant that got to do a photo shoot with a supermodel.  I’m confused.  Is that not what just happened here x 10?  Is The Banks really some kind of twisted genius that just states obvious facts but in such a way that it becomes critical?  I thought Mama P-Baby was the only one that knew how to do that.

5.  Dominique and Lisa.  Guys, Dominique looks fab at panel on her own but even more so when she’s standing next to an asshole.  Sadly, Dominique is the only model out of 10 that even remotely held her own against Coco.

Dominique gets first call out, which she should just for pulling her shit together and looking hot at panel. I just noticed Dominique is wearing those Mom Jeans that made Jessica Simpson want to jump off a building. Haggis gets second.  WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?  The final two comes down to Bre and Alexandria.  Bre had a fucking fantastic photo last episode so I fully think she should stay but the writing on the wall was apparent from the getgo today, Gasmii.  Bre gets sent off and awesomely snubs Banks on the way out. (It may not have been a snub but Bre wasn’t hanging around to “Stand Before Tyra” like all the other weaklings do.  Good for her.)

Well, Gasmii…what do you think?  How much longer are we going to have to deal with Lisa’s “face”?  And am I imagining things or are the judges tipping their hand towards Allison?  See you all next week!