It’s week two of the America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion, and we’ve already sent home a Brit. She sure made an ugly John Lennon, didn’t she? Tyra chides the Brits to do better this week–there were at least five in the bottom last week. (That sounds naughty.)
I was trying to be reaaaaally brief last week, thanks to HackerGate 2012. I struggled at first, and then I embraced the brevity. I’m going to embrace it again this week, mostly because I’m fighting off a cold and running out of steam for the week. Allow me to deliver this unto you quickly before I descend into sore-throated, sniffly, bad-breathed sleep. Also, vodka.
Here we go.
So, remember that last week, Seymone won for the US. That means she garnered for all the Americans a big box of ugly clothes. This is my first season of ANTM (i know, I’m weird)–is that normal? Have they done this team concept before?
Throughout the episode, I notice that a lot of the girls are all wearing the same scarf on their heads in the confessional. Is that mandatory? Is it like having the conch?
Mariah’s our Native American girl. She’s very pretty. She’s also a bit of an idiot. I know the producers are asking her leading questions about the British soldiers killing off the Native Americans back in the day, and that’s fine, but when she says something like, “The drama has been brought to me and it needs to be dealt with” in relation to this fact, she sounds stupid. I won’t get into the Native American/British thing at all, cuz Pocahontas has a point there, but she otherwise sounds like those low-class bitches who write shit on Facebook like this: “~*~If YoU cAn’T hAnDlE mE aT mY wOrSt, YoU dOn’T dEsErVe Me aT mY BeSt~*~” I HATE that shit.
Oh, and she has a weak monotonic voice and drones, “We did werk.” She sucks.
They didn’t bring the drama, but they brought the bangs.
A totally fake news report shows up on screen, something about Tyra’s phone/email getting hacked. Really, it’s a front so they can let the girls know it’s MAKEOVER WEEK. They all scream. There’s a list of possible changes coming, and they’re all wondering who’s getting what. Cotton candy pink hair, red/white/blue hair, half-shaved heads, ombre dye, etc.
Mariah’s concerned about them “cutting off her culture.” Culture grows back, darlin’.
(In the intro, is Tyra pulling blue earwax out of her ear and eating it?!?)
Makeovers! They’re at Sally Herschberger’s salon. Her haircut has apparently doubled in price lately, damn inflation. (I always marvelled at a $400 cut, and now it’s $800?? Shit!)
What’d they get? Well, I’ll spare the narrative. Basically, it went like this:
- Laura went from stupid brown crimped hair to platinum blonde hair with red/blue extensions
- Sophie went from plain blonde to cotton candy pink
- Azmarie had a tribal-looking “ANTM” shaved into her scalp
- Louise was this season’s “I don’t want short hair” girl, going from medium-length blonde to a short Linda Evangelista cut (which looks awesome)
- Seymone’s was totally a makeunder, taking her from long and dark brown/black to…long and lighter brown.
- Analiese went from a fairly large fro to a wider barrel curly fro with more volume
- Catharine went from mousy brown to BRIGHT magenta
- Alisha went from fairly short hair to shaved-on-one-side/extensions-on-the-other-side
- Ashley went from darker hair to a lighter color–not a big change
- Kyle got some bangs and went blonde
- Candace seems to have gotten lighter colored extensions.
- Mariah got bangs and an ombre dye job, with her ends light brown and roots dark.
- Eboni got bangs, I think? But her big story is that she got burned on the face with a curling iron and cried.
(Ooh, hang on, just got interrupted by the most nervous door-to-door salesguy EVER. Poor kid.)
Anyway, Louise is still bitching about her hair, because they want to dye it, on top of having made it super-short. Thing is, I want to mock her for being a big baby about it, but I understand the power of a bad haircut. It crushes your self-esteem. I once had a cut I absolutely HATED, even though it was technically a great cut and everyone thought it looked cute. I felt like SHIT until I got it fixed. How can she be a confident model if they make her hair look a way that destroys that confidence? Anyway, when they’re all done, she looks really good. And while she bitches that she looks like “Justin Biebs,” she knows she’s actually pretty smokin’. Now everyone thinks she’s a pain in the ass AND an egomaniac. Fun!
“Feel free to bow to me.”
Now the bitches are hanging out back at home, when they get a challenge to participate in. What do they have to do? Well, they have to eat the disgustingest food of the other culture. For the Brits, that means eating pickled pigs feet, grits, peanut butter, corn on the cob, spam, Ritz crackers, and chitterlings. And for the Americans, it’s Marmite, cockles, haggis, blood pudding, and…I can’t see the rest. I’m sure it was gross. I just fail to see what’s gross about Ritz crackers and corn.
Anyway, Seymone ate all the haggis and probably a lot of the other stuff, too, effectively winning the challenge for the US. Do we ever learn what they get for winning? Was it worth them all getting big food baby bellies? Anyway, if it weren’t bad enough that they had to do this at all, for some reason, they start making fun of Seymone for having eaten so much haggis. Well, really, they’re just joking but Seymone lost all sense of humor when she ate about two tons of haggis. She goes to puke it up.
Seriously, what did they win for having eaten the gross food the fastest? I already deleted the episode and have had my vodkas for the night. Halp!
More Tyra mail. It’s about the big ol’ photo shoot this week, and it’s something about kids? Oh, it’s about ACTING like children for a “sexy” photoshoot with Kris Jenner. Huh? Cuz she’s the “ultimate momager.” Well, this is gross.
The photograph, Douglas Friedman, has a terrible porn ‘stache and an unfortunate last name (all I can think of is Capturing the Friedmans). He’s shot the Kardashians before, so he’s used to working with gross subject material.
Oh, and here’s the two little ones, Kendall and Kylie. They’re dressed in identical Wednesday Addams costumes. Jay explains that the shoot is meant to be a little creepy. And creepy it is! Let’s put it this way–there’s a big clown nearby.
Kris Jenner’s a good sport, having all these grown women crawling around her and clutching at her for the shoot. I guess she’s used it it. But still, it really all is kinda creepy. Infantalizing a grown woman AND expecting her to be sexy is just too much for me. I admit that I want to fast-forward through most of this. And I pretty much will–the main thing we’ll worry about is how the photos turned out later, right?
Basically, Seymone looked like an old woman in a cape; Mariah looked a little slutty; Candace did duck-face; the pink-haired Brits thought they kicked ass; and Azmarie was especially strange as an androgynous sexy toddler. And they had the gall to call her awkward.
And that’s that. Time to look at the photos with the judges.
First up is Azmarie and Ashley (Not Shirley Manson). I think Ashley’s going to go far just on that accent alone. She comes up, gushing in that brogue about how much she loves watching the Kardashians on her telly, and everyone grins. She’s cute, too, so that helps. We’ll see.
Anyway, Azmarie was a disappointment, but Ashley nailed it. She was sexy without being gross, even though she was holding a lollipop and everything.
Girls, remember your angles!
I wish that formerly-crimped idiot Laura would chill the fuck out. She gets a compliment on her hair and her pose, and she does this hip-thrusting, rock-face thing that’s just too much. Too much!
And Not Linda Evangelista gets a ton of compliments on her new look, and she can do is furrow her brow and bite at her fingernail. Later, Kelly Cutrone wants to slit her throat for being such a pain in the ass baby about all of it. Yay!
One thing I love about the judging segment is when Tyra does all her exaggerated moves to illustrate her point. The weird head juts, the over-enunciation. It’s fun. I know, I know, she’s been doing this for 17 seasons now, but this is my first time watching in earnest! Delight in my naivete!
Deliberation time. It’s all the usual stuff. So and so was boring, so and so didn’t work her angles, so and so really looked natural and hit all her angles.
So who’s staying and who’s going home? First of all, the winning photo is Laura! The crimped, hip-thrusting idiot with the red, blonde, and blue hair did do an awesome job, dangling sexily from the crib like the creepy doll Kris Jenner had been holding. USA wins again! Runner-up is Ashley (Not Shirley Manson).
As Tyra hands out all of the photos, it becomes apparent that an American girl is going home tonight. Azmarie, Seymone, and Mariah (Not Pocahontas) are all on the chopping block. Azmarie is spared, so it’s between the winner from last week (ah, irony) and the boring Native American who will deal with drama if it’s brought to her.
Speaking of drama, I love Tyra’s uber-dramatic tone when she’s talking to these girls, especially when it’s at the very end and someone’s about to go home. So fun. Why haven’t I watched this show before? Why isn’t anyone watching it now that I’m writing about it? Bah.
Who goes home? Not Pocahontas who deals with drama! Smell ya later!
Come back next week! There’s drama in the house (unfortunately, NOT brought to Mariah, so it will NOT get dealt with), and then Kelly Cutrone is the main whipmaster, which scares the shit out of everyone (and makes Not Linda Evangelista angry, of course). Yay! See you then!