ANTM Recap: Drama is Brought (Not Really)

Recaps

By SexyPanda | Friday, March 9, 2012 | 6:37 pm | 19 Comments
Posted in: America's Next Top Model, Recaps

Hola, ‘Gasmii!

It’s week two of the America’s Next Top Model: British Invasion, and we’ve already sent home a Brit.  She sure made an ugly John Lennon, didn’t she?  Tyra chides the Brits to do better this week–there were at least five in the bottom last week.  (That sounds naughty.)

I was trying to be reaaaaally brief last week, thanks to HackerGate 2012.  I struggled at first, and then I embraced the brevity. I’m going to embrace it again this week, mostly because I’m fighting off a cold and running out of steam for the week. Allow me to deliver this unto you quickly before I descend into sore-throated, sniffly, bad-breathed sleep. Also, vodka.

Here we go.

So, remember that last week, Seymone won for the US. That means she garnered for all the Americans a big box of ugly clothes. This is my first season of ANTM (i know, I’m weird)–is that normal?  Have they done this team concept before?

Throughout the episode, I notice that a lot of the girls are all wearing the same scarf on their heads in the confessional. Is that mandatory?  Is it like having the conch?

Mariah’s our Native American girl. She’s very pretty. She’s also a bit of an idiot. I know the producers are asking her leading questions about the British soldiers killing off the Native Americans back in the day, and that’s fine, but when she says something like, “The drama has been brought to me and it needs to be dealt with” in relation to this fact, she sounds stupid.  I won’t get into the Native American/British thing at all, cuz Pocahontas has a point there, but she otherwise sounds like those low-class bitches who write shit on Facebook like this: “~*~If YoU cAn’T hAnDlE mE aT mY wOrSt, YoU dOn’T dEsErVe Me aT mY BeSt~*~”  I HATE that shit.

Oh, and she has a weak monotonic voice and drones, “We did werk.”  She sucks.

They didn’t bring the drama, but they brought the bangs.

Tyra mail!

A totally fake news report shows up on screen, something about Tyra’s phone/email getting hacked. Really, it’s a front so they can let the girls know it’s MAKEOVER WEEK.  They all scream.  There’s a list of possible changes coming, and they’re all wondering who’s getting what.  Cotton candy pink hair, red/white/blue hair, half-shaved heads, ombre dye, etc.

Mariah’s concerned about them “cutting off her culture.”  Culture grows back, darlin’.

(In the intro, is Tyra pulling blue earwax out of her ear and eating it?!?)

Makeovers!  They’re at Sally Herschberger’s salon. Her haircut has apparently doubled in price lately, damn inflation. (I always marvelled at a $400 cut, and now it’s $800??  Shit!)

What’d they get?  Well, I’ll spare the narrative.  Basically, it went like this:

  • Laura went from stupid brown crimped hair to platinum blonde hair with red/blue extensions
  • Sophie went from plain blonde to cotton candy pink
  • Azmarie had a tribal-looking “ANTM” shaved into her scalp
  • Louise was this season’s “I don’t want short hair” girl, going from medium-length blonde to a short Linda Evangelista cut (which looks awesome)
  • Seymone’s was totally a makeunder, taking her from long and dark brown/black to…long and lighter brown.
  • Analiese went from a fairly large fro to a wider barrel curly fro with more volume
  • Catharine went from mousy brown to BRIGHT magenta
  • Alisha went from fairly short hair to shaved-on-one-side/extensions-on-the-other-side
  • Ashley went from darker hair to a lighter color–not a big change
  • Kyle got some bangs and went blonde
  • Candace seems to have gotten lighter colored extensions.
  • Mariah got bangs and an ombre dye job, with her ends light brown and roots dark.
  • Eboni got bangs, I think? But her big story is that she got burned on the face with a curling iron and cried.

(Ooh, hang on, just got interrupted by the most nervous door-to-door salesguy EVER. Poor kid.)

Anyway, Louise is still bitching about her hair, because they want to dye it, on top of having made it super-short. Thing is, I want to mock her for being a big baby about it, but I understand the power of a bad haircut. It crushes your self-esteem. I once had a cut I absolutely HATED, even though it was technically a great cut and everyone thought it looked cute. I felt like SHIT until I got it fixed.  How can she be a confident model if they make her hair look a way that destroys that confidence?  Anyway, when they’re all done, she looks really good. And while she bitches that she looks like “Justin Biebs,” she knows she’s actually pretty smokin’.  Now everyone thinks she’s a pain in the ass AND an egomaniac. Fun!

“Feel free to bow to me.”

Now the bitches are hanging out back at home, when they get a challenge to participate in. What do they have to do?  Well, they have to eat the disgustingest food of the other culture. For the Brits, that means eating pickled pigs feet, grits, peanut butter, corn on the cob, spam, Ritz crackers, and chitterlings.  And for the Americans, it’s Marmite, cockles, haggis, blood pudding, and…I can’t see the rest.  I’m sure it was gross. I just fail to see what’s gross about Ritz crackers and corn.

Anyway, Seymone ate all the haggis and probably a lot of the other stuff, too, effectively winning the challenge for the US.  Do we ever learn what they get for winning?  Was it worth them all getting big food baby bellies?  Anyway, if it weren’t bad enough that they had to do this at all, for some reason, they start making fun of Seymone for having eaten so much haggis.  Well, really, they’re just joking but Seymone lost all sense of humor when she ate about two tons of haggis. She goes to puke it up.

Seriously, what did they win for having eaten the gross food the fastest?  I already deleted the episode and have had my vodkas for the night. Halp!

More Tyra mail. It’s about the big ol’ photo shoot this week, and it’s something about kids?  Oh, it’s about ACTING like children for a “sexy” photoshoot with Kris Jenner. Huh?  Cuz she’s the “ultimate momager.” Well, this is gross.

The photograph, Douglas Friedman, has a terrible porn ‘stache and an unfortunate last name (all I can think of is Capturing the Friedmans). He’s shot the Kardashians before, so he’s used to working with gross subject material.

Oh, and here’s the two little ones, Kendall and Kylie. They’re dressed in identical Wednesday Addams costumes.  Jay explains that the shoot is meant to be a little creepy. And creepy it is!  Let’s put it this way–there’s a big clown nearby.

Kris Jenner’s a good sport, having all these grown women crawling around her and clutching at her for the shoot. I guess she’s used it it. But still, it really all is kinda creepy. Infantalizing a grown woman AND expecting her to be sexy is just too much for me. I admit that I want to fast-forward through most of this.  And I pretty much will–the main thing we’ll worry about is how the photos turned out later, right?

Right.

Basically, Seymone looked like an old woman in a cape; Mariah looked a little slutty; Candace did duck-face; the pink-haired Brits thought they kicked ass; and Azmarie was especially strange as an androgynous sexy toddler. And they had the gall to call her awkward.

And that’s that. Time to look at the photos with the judges.

First up is Azmarie and Ashley (Not Shirley Manson). I think Ashley’s going to go far just on that accent alone. She comes up, gushing in that brogue about how much she loves watching the Kardashians on her telly, and everyone grins. She’s cute, too, so that helps. We’ll see.

Anyway, Azmarie was a disappointment, but Ashley nailed it. She was sexy without being gross, even though she was holding a lollipop and everything.

Girls, remember your angles!

I wish that formerly-crimped idiot Laura would chill the fuck out. She gets a compliment on her hair and her pose, and she does this hip-thrusting, rock-face thing that’s just too much. Too much!

And Not Linda Evangelista gets a ton of compliments on her new look, and she can do is furrow her brow and bite at her fingernail. Later, Kelly Cutrone wants to slit her throat for being such a pain in the ass baby about all of it. Yay!

One thing I love about the judging segment is when Tyra does all her exaggerated moves to illustrate her point. The weird head juts, the over-enunciation. It’s fun. I know, I know, she’s been doing this for 17 seasons now, but this is my first time watching in earnest!  Delight in my naivete!

Deliberation time. It’s all the usual stuff.  So and so was boring, so and so didn’t work her angles, so and so really looked natural and hit all her angles.

So who’s staying and who’s going home?  First of all, the winning photo is Laura!  The crimped, hip-thrusting idiot with the red, blonde, and blue hair did do an awesome job, dangling sexily from the crib like the creepy doll Kris Jenner had been holding. USA wins again!  Runner-up is Ashley (Not Shirley Manson).

As Tyra hands out all of the photos, it becomes apparent that an American girl is going home tonight.  Azmarie, Seymone, and Mariah (Not Pocahontas) are all on the chopping block.  Azmarie is spared, so it’s between the winner from last week (ah, irony) and the boring Native American who will deal with drama if it’s brought to her.

Speaking of drama, I love Tyra’s uber-dramatic tone when she’s talking to these girls, especially when it’s at the very end and someone’s about to go home. So fun. Why haven’t I watched this show before?  Why isn’t anyone watching it now that I’m writing about it?  Bah.

Who goes home?  Not Pocahontas who deals with drama!  Smell ya later!

Come back next week!  There’s drama in the house (unfortunately, NOT brought to Mariah, so it will NOT get dealt with), and then Kelly Cutrone is the main whipmaster, which scares the shit out of everyone (and makes Not Linda Evangelista angry, of course). Yay!  See you then!

About

Time for an update! I used to be a tall, athletic editor who lived on the East coast. Oh, I still am, only now I've gained back all the weight I lost, which changes my life-tone quite a bit. Now that I'm married, I have a lot less time to watch Bravo and Food network. We usually end up watching Big Bang Theory reruns ("all of my friends, all of my friends, all of my friends") or Wipeout. Or WWE Raw. Wow. How life has changed!  Join me as we chat about my breast friend Patti Stanger and her love minions. Or maybe we'll talk about art during Work of Art. Whatever we're watching, don't be shy--tell me what you think!

19 Comments

  1. 1
    DejaJohnson
    Posted March 9, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    I totally hate the concept this season. But leave it to Tyrant to pin countries against each other.

    Louise was complaining like she got something as extreme as the other girls. Just STFU, you look better! Word is she walks off judging in the next episode.

    Azmarie is stunning. Lady-boner material.

    So far I do like the UK girls better as a whole than the American girls, probably bc I just like hearing them talk.

  2. 2
    Moli Moli
    Posted March 9, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    I actually like the concept of US verses Brits. My only problem with this is the Brits have already been on a model television show and know what everything is about. I also appears to me that the Brits alredy hav modeling contracts and only want to be over here to breakinto the American market(several have stated the importance of breaking thru in the US). I’m noy sure how long Azmarie will make it since she has so many tattoos, but damn that girl is sexy.

  3. 3
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted March 9, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    The team concept is a first and the best photo winner didn’t win anything previous seasons. And the scarves are to hide their makeovers during the interviews.

    I kind like the teams too. And I like listening to the UK girls talk. I just don’t understand why their so cocky. And did anyone else catch that bizarre Native American comment one of the UK girls made?

  4. 4
    itchy itchy
    Posted March 9, 2012 at 11:10 pm

    Didn’t even know this season had started. Didn’t we just finish one? Is this show really worth two seasons a year? Or is that three? Can I get up the enthusiasm to watch yet another crop of knock-kneed young women perform the nearly impossible task of standing still and looking pretty?

    And why does this site keeping logging me out?

    So many, many questions.

  5. 5
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 3:42 am

    I really like the concept this season. It’s interesting and different, and the team dynamic adds some entertainment, which ANTM sorely needed. So many of the latest cycles have been boring as fuck, and even if it’s just because there are some cute accents floating around now, I am actually enjoying this season. I miss the hell out of Andre Leon Talley though.

    Louise is such a pain. All that bitching and moaning, and her face actually does look like ten times better without that hair. And I’m extremely surprised that her BS behavior at the makeover wasn’t brought up in panel. Normally, Mr. Jay just loves to run back to Tyra with juicy tidbits like that, and Tyra lovess dressing down young models for behaving like divas. Can’t wait till Kelly Cutrone gets a hold of Louise next week.
    Speaking of Mr. Jay, he looks so sexy and manly with his stubble. He should keep it forever.

    I love love love Sophie and Ashley. They’re both so pretty and have such vibrant personalities.
    And I’ve always been a fan of penises, but Azmarie is soo HOT. Like, whenever she shows up on the screen, I have to ask myself some serious questions about my identity. Hopefully, she gets it together, because so far, she’s been really underwhelming in photos, which sucks because she looks amazing.

    And I agree that the shoot was creepy, and not in a way that they intended. Alot of the girls looked sexy, not like babies and then with the way that Mama Kris actually pimps out her real children (for example, why were Kylie and Kendall there?), I just got an icky feeling watching it.

    And about the scarves, I think the girls wear those in confessional so as to not ruin the makeover surprises, because after the viewers have seen the makeovers, the scarves go away. I’m not sure how they coordinate that with the differences between editing and filming, but it seems to be the case.

  6. 6
    CattyFan CattyFan
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 9:11 am

    I didn’t get a chance to comment on the first episode (due to the idiot hacker, who I hope is suffering mightily somewhere.)
    Did you already discuss how the person who was sent home was the only one without the weird flag paint on her lips?

  7. 7
    SexyPanda
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 10:01 am

    I get that the scarves were to hide the makeover stuff, but they aired the makeover segment in, like, the first five seconds of the show. I get that it’s filmed differently and edited together later, it just struck me as odd. I was also mixing pink lemonade vodka and whipped cream vodka, so who knows.

    Oh yeah, the person sent home last week didn’t have the flag lips, did she? (I also saw some spoiler thing online just last night that shared how that person’s makeover went, which made me scratch my head. How could she be made over if she already went home??)

    I definitely love all the accents and weird slang, too. A friend of mine lives in England and I get a hoot out of her husband’s accent. But you know what’s better? Asking her British husband to do an American accent. It’s hysterical.

    AND I DID catch the weird Native American comment by the one UK girl. With the makeovers, I’m having a hard time keeping them straight. Alisha? She said, “I don’t think we have those (Native Americans) where we’re from.” WOW.

    See you guys next week! I see that my brevity isn’t working so well–I’ll pull in all the weird/funny details better next week! :)

  8. 8
    Xouille Xouille
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    I hate this season’s gimmick, I cannot stand half of the cast or Kelly Cutrone and Tyra pulled 3 Kardashians out of her ass but the show was still more bearable to watch than that bloody bollockbag of a first episode.

    So far I like Ashley and Sophie, and I think as well that Azmarie is hot (even though I don’t see her winning because of her tatoos and her very limited look).

    Louise was a total bitch during the makeovers which made me like her more (because I’m evil and that show needs drama) and after watchig the previews for next week I can tell she will not disappoint.

    And in my eyes, Alisha (the idiotic brit who made the comment about native americans) totally redeamed herself when she made fun of the girl who got her cheek burned (Eboni ?).
    I totally cracked up when she said that the hairdresser should have just burned the other cheek so that the two sides match…

  9. 9
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    @sagittariuskim – yes yes yes! I watched that comment twice it made me laugh so much!

    “What is a native American? I don’t think we have them in England. If we do, they’re on the down-low”

    SexyPanda- decent recap, I am a big fan of your recaps of Millionaire Matchmaker (which is a show I actually have started to loathe so you watching for me is a big help), and I think you could bring a little more of that talent to this show. The best recaps are when the ‘capper really seems to like watching or at least snarking at the little things in the episode and not just running through a basic timeline of events as quickly and briefly as possible.

    Also-I avoided this site during downtime and have no clue where your last recap is posted, nor could I find a link anywhere, maybe you could provide one?

  10. 10
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    I’m on the fence concept-wise, it is at least more interesting and the accent are adorbs, but it is also yet another random and poorly explained idea of Tyra’s that just lacks concept and reason.

    Also I HATE Kelly and I know she will be a bitch, which will make me want to watch but I caught about 5 minutes of her Bravo show once (don’t watch Hills or the other one she got her TV rep on) and she was buddying up to Ashley Dupre (the prostitute) and trying to act like a hardass and I realized she is someone I don’t want to contribute to the fame of. She just reminds me of Abby Lee of Dance Moms-fat and gross and old sitting around harshly judging young hot women and being as nasty as possible.

    Last I echo the total love of the androgynous one- hot and sexy and gorgeous and needs to bring it. And every time the Scottish chick talks I just want to hear more! I could listen to a whole show of her talking to her little daughter on the phone!

  11. 11
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    I wish that Louise had been sent packing because of her ‘tude. If I had one tenth of her looks, i would be in heaven. Whine, whine, whine. Grow up and read a book.

  12. 12
    CattyFan CattyFan
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    I’m just relieved most of the contestants this year look like models. The last few seasons Tyra has cast some of the ugliest women I’ve ever seen (Marjorie, for example.)

  13. 13
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Are we done with Kardashians now? Are we? Are we?

  14. 14
    c8h10n4o2
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    Doug Friedman is really doing the reality TV thing lately. He was on last season as well and was a guest judge on that Bravo “Fashion Show” thing. And I don’t understand the mustache at all. He’s so much cuter without it (and with a bit of the jew-fro flying wild).

    I’m not watching this season because I’ve been watching from season one and just got burned out, but I am looking forward to recaps!

  15. 15
    SexyPanda
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Bah, I’m bummed that this wasn’t my best. Next week will be better.

  16. 16
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    Pretty good job, considering that you have a case of the yutz! I certainly enjoyed your recap. And if you just take time to get better ( a little chicken soup along with the vodka) you’ll be terrific.

    Now get better so I don’t have to watch any more of these beauts– now that I know who they are.

  17. 17
    SexyPanda
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    Sure thing. It was posted as a note on FB last week:

    https://www.facebook.com/notes/tvgasm/antm-returns-with-sexy-panda/10150564116186560

    (I like this reply-to-a-reply gadget we have right now!)

    Next week will be better. Sorry I didn’t bring the drama!

  18. 18
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted March 10, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    Don’t worry, it wasn’t bad, it was just on the short side. Which is understandable given that you were sick and possibly a bit inebriated LOL.
    Get better soon!

  19. 19
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted March 11, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Thank you! And it looks like from the comments you weren’t on your usual game (which I know from reading MM recaps anyway) so sorry for jumping the gun before you had a chance to redeem!

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