ANTM Recap: I Guess They Let Anyone Write Books Now

Recaps

By P-Baby Walker | Friday, December 2, 2011 | 2:04 am | 30 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: America's Next Top Model, Featured, Recaps

Hi Gasmii!  P-Baby back after a wonderful pumpkin pie filled Thanksgiving to bring you the latest episode of  Batshit Crazy also known as ANTM.  This really may have been the strangest episode of ANTM I’ve ever seen.  For real, after viewing, I think we all can agree The Banks needs to be medicated.  Well, I think we all can agree that The Banks needed to medicated long before this episode, but this was an unprecedented level of lunacy.

Did any good gossip happen last week during Thanksgiving? I’ve been leaning more towards reading about Awards Season now than my typical gossip rags and I can’t wait to see the walking pheromone Michael Fassbender in Shame.  Yeah, I know he’s supposed to be a hard core self-loathing sex addict in the movie…but when you look like that…is it necessarily a bad thing?  Sure, you destroy the lives of people around you, but, speaking from a completely and utterly shallow aspect…well I’d hit that.  Several times over.

michael gq

PS.  I still refer to him as Magneto, which made for an interesting misinterpretation of what I found attractive as Mr. P-Baby thought I was talking about  banging Ian McKellen for about 15 minutes one evening.

And we’re off!

So, here we are.  Still in Crete.  Still no Uncle Jesse which means all the sweating and humidity and frizz is totally not worth it.   This is the worst trip to Greece ever taken, not to mention the longest.  The typical first five minute blabbering about OMG, there’s only four left and I deserve to win, no I do, boy it would suck to get sent home after spending the past 50 million years in Greece, does my face look shiny?, don’t no one from my hometown win nothing, I’m so proud of myself for being a reality whore nonsense goes on endlessly.  We get it.  You feel lucky to be there.  I feel lucky to not have to work today as it is cold as a witch’s tit outside and snowing.  I also feel lucky that I’m going to watch Goodfellas for the first time while drinking hot chocolate in my sweatpants after I’m done recapping this sloppy mess. Aren’t we all lucky in some regard?

The girls meet up with Uncle Pervy at a shop called Vendemma which must be Greek for Nicole Richie’s 2009 cast offs.  Uncle Pervy breaks down the challenge for us today which consists of four parts.  He reminds us that the winner of the cycle is going to be blogging on Vogue Italia’s website and that humorless Death Eater is going to be their boss and enact final say on what they blog about.  I still have no idea how this, eater of babies and puppies:

franca

gave birth to this, lover of P-Baby:

francesco

First, the girls are charged with picking out an outfit from the boutique, then they’ll have to get a driver to take them somewhere on the island that is inspiring, take some pictures, and finally blog about the whole thing all in three hours.  The winner gets a trip for two back to Crete for a week.  Oh, thanks Uncle Pervy, just where I want to go, back to the island I’ve been captive on for all of eternity.

angelea challenge

I always wondered on the Amazing Race why the prizes for coming in first in a leg usually seems to be trips.  Like, after racing around the globe frantically for 12 to 13 episodes, it would take the strength of Atlas to remove my butt from my couch for a good six months after returning from that adventure.  I just want cash, Phil.  Cold, hard cash.  And maybe a life time supply of KFC for good measure.

kfc

The breakdown of what happens is that Lisa wants to go to a bunch of hot spots on the island.  I begrudgingly admit this is not a completely horrible idea.  Angelea wants to go to the Crete ghetto and the closest she gets is a wall with some graffiti on it.  Laura and Allison end up at the same location (Is Crete like the smallest island in existence?  I call shenanigans on this.)  And then they all make it back to start blogging about it.  Allison returns last which may explain why her blog is about as long as the back of a DVD case.  Nigel shows up amidst the feverish blogging and says he’s going to take the blogs for submission to Lady Voldemort who will review.  A winner will be announced the next night but we’re going to steamroll right into the winner now because the editing gets a little wonky in the middle of this episode and frankly, I want to fully concentrate on the hot mess that lies in waiting known as The Bank’s motion editorial.  So…drumroll…Angelea wins the blogging challenge and the trip back to Crete.  Hooray, I guess.

Tyramail!

tyramail

The fuck?  Didn’t anyone ever tell her to use only one font formatting?  What an unprofessional twit.  Her resume probably looks like a ransom note.

And off we go to meet Jay who spills the beans that today will be a motion editorial directed by New York Times Best-Selling Author (in case your wondering, I’m now recapping with a gaping hole in my head as I’ve just shot myself) Tyra Banks.  I refuse to give The Banks anymore publicity than what’s already been displayed on my TV so her “book” will not be mentioned from here on out.  The Banks tells us she’s been working on Sweet Valley Model for FOUR TO FIVE YEARS.  It’s 576 pages.  I got my undergraduate degree in four years.  The Banks wrote The Chronicles of Modelnia in five years and will make infinitely more money than I will with my degree.  I hate this world.

modelland

Fun fact.  The main character’s name in The Boxcar Models is Tookie De La Creme.  Her mother’s name is Creamy De La Creme.  I wonder how long it took The Banks to come up with that.  It’s a real play on words.  A regular Shakespeare, that one.

The Modelsitters Club is about a school on top of a mountain.  We’ll call it Modelwarts (OMFG, how amazing would that be if that was a show, on TLC or something, and all it was about was people who wanted to be models but had unsightly warts, etc that needed to be removed because they were holding them back from having a career and being happy.  And after the removal of said unsightly growths, we’d see a reveal and it would not only make them physically beautiful but beautiful on the inside since they know what it means to be disfigured.  WE NEED TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN.)  Modelwarts is very exclusive and very few girls are admitted.  Main character Tookie is inspired off of none other than The Banks.  It’s about fun and friendship and bullying and is magical  (This was The Banks summary, btw.  I’d describe it as a poor man’s Harry Potter that will be on sale for $4.99 at Barnes and Noble in two months time.  So there’s that.)

The motion editorial is going to be shot out of order so I’m going to try and piece together the chapter titles for you along with screen caps.  I think it goes without saying that you could literally read the chapters of Are You There God, It’s Me Model in any order imaginable and the story will remain the same.  In fact, it would be way more impressive if Modelbumps was written in such a way that the chapters were purposely published out of order and you had to guess which order they go in.  As if The Banks could do such an abstract thing intentionally.

Chapter 20: Run and Gun

Synopsis: A bunch of running and screaming in yellow dresses with gladiator accessories.  A regular Friday night for me in college.

run and gun

Chapter 36: All Hail Creamy

Synopsis: Creamy De La Creme is kind of deranged and obsessed with this doll named Belissima.  Because that’s totally normal in the world of Banks.

lisa baby

Chapter 1: To Oke

Synopsis:  A boy that Tookie is in love with wears a button that ends up in the garbage.  Also, Tookie is obsessed with whipped cream.  And The Banks says something that makes the 12 year old living inside of me giggle.


laura cream

Chapter 3: Da-Tahhh!

Synopsis: Play in a fountain like it’s a hot summer day.  Where are the popsicles? (So basically, I couldn’t get screenshots for this chapter, or the few after it.  But again, since this entire book is crazy like a fox and/or my Grandma, these Google images fit right in)

fountain

Chapter 9: BZZZ

Synopsis: Angrily pose with swords, nunchucks, and other such weapons while dressed for an expensive toga party

kip

Chapter 25: One Bee-Yotch (Catwalk Corridor)

Synopsis: Catwalk Corridor is where all the bad Intoxibellas get sent and turn into cats.  Is there a place we can send lunatics who overstay their welcome on network TV?

catwoman

Chapter  14: Arancia Rossa di Sicilia

Synopsis: All of Modelwarts smells like blood oranges because it’s one of The Banks’s favorite scents.  Mmmm, bloody.

blood orange

Chapter 7: X-O-2

Synopsis: Emotional scene with Tookie and dad with dad saying Tookie isn’t his.  Sounds awfully Maury to me.

angelea sad

That wraps it up for the first day of shooting.  The second day is not much better except it’s totally better because this arrives on set:

tyson shirtless

Tyson gets chatty with the girls but I can’t get over that dude is 40.  40!  I guess he was a thing back in the 90s when all the other supermodels were huge too.  Now he’s got a bunch of tattoos and  is relegated to my other guilty modeling show pleasure Make Me A Supermodel which I found way more watchable than these later seasons of ANTM.  What’s that you say?  More pictures?  Fine.

tyson shirtless

tyson shirtless

Chapter 18: La Lumiere

Synopsis: A Banks Fatal Attraction leg crossing, saved by a light pink bodysuit covered in nonsensical words which I can only imagine resembles The Banks’s stream of consciousness.

pink suit

Chapter 24: W.O.W

Synopsis:  Banks fellates Tyson’s thumb.  Puke.

puke

tyra thumb

Chapter 8: Welcome to T-DOD

Synopsis: Running on rocks on beach whilst getting designer dress stuck on stuff and ripping

big yellow

Fucking finally, the motion editorial shoot ends.  Time for panel and part 1 of this nightmare for our viewing pleasure.

ANTM Motion Editorial Part 1

(I’ve been running into a lot of ANTM Cycle 17 stuff on you tube being taken down due to copyright blah blah, so I apologize if this link doesn’t work at the time of your reading.)

In the end, Haggis gets first call out with Laura and Allison landing in the bottom 2.  Poor country gal Laura gets sent packing and as annoying as I found her, I think Laura is probably one of the nicest people to ever be on a reality TV show.  With that in mind, I’m glad she lost.  Laura will have a much happier life doing something else.

Finale time next week Gasmii!  Who’s winning?  I can’t tell but against my better judgment, Haggis would probably do the best job overall with the blogging, corresponding, etc.  See you guys next week!

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P-Baby Walker is a Pez-collecting, Archie Comic reading, Elvis loving, self-appointed movie sensei.  Lack of sunlight, fresh air and a bloodstream composed of Diet Pepsi causes her moods to air on the side of salty, resulting in endless disgruntled opinions for the world to enjoy.  Due to overall lack of motivation to do anything else, P-Baby has recently started writing more of her musings on pop culture at Mrs. Catalano Presents...  When she's not in the midst of her ongoing epic battle between love and hate for Nicolas Cage, she spends an abnormal amount of time watching B movies on Netflix.  She hopes to meet John Waters one day and thank him for his contributions to the film industry.

30 Comments

  1. 1
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 3:30 am

    Team Lisa based on the criteria for this season. She also has the most best photos and reward wins this season. This, of course, means that she will probably not win. They usually don’t pick the one who should win.

    The breakdown for those interested:
    Lisa – 3 best photos, 3 individual reward wins
    Angelea – 1 best photo, 1 individual reward win
    Allison – 1 best photo, 1 group reward win, 1 individual reward win
    Laura – 2 bestp photos, 1 individual reward win

    Thanks for a great recap!

  2. 2
    mnkid
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 6:53 am

    That motion editorial was like Fellini on meth without the artistry. W.T.F. I hope Tyson got a nice check and all expenses for his trouble. He looks fantastic, btw. Wow. Thanks for making as much sense as could be made of the mess that is ANTMAS, P-Baby!

  3. 3
    Sahara
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 7:00 am

    Ugh, I don’t want Lisa to win – but I agree that she’d probably do the best with the “extra” stuff that comes with being an All-star. However, if Italian Vogue is picking the winner, I can’t see Lisa winning since she looks so old. And I DO NOT get the appeal of Angelea, at all! Not in her cycle and not in this one. She’s nasty, can’t speak, and I haven’t liked one of her pictures yet.

    So, even though she has not shot in hell… Team Allison!

  4. 4
    Lisa
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 10:12 am

    Sahara- I agree with you 100% about Angelea. How is she seriously still here?
    this episode was just about the most RIDICULOUS thing I have ever seen. If Tyra is a best selling author, then I’m Angelina Jolie. I was actually embarressed to be caught watching this show this week.
    Angelea will probably win, just because this show has become a laughing stock.

  5. 5
    LAC LAC
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Wow – don’t even watch the show anymore, but a funny recap (that Magneto/Ian McKellen line just about killed me) and pix of Fassbendmeover and Tyler “take me” Beckford was enough for me.

  6. 6
    labowner
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Argh if Lisa wins altough much better than that ghetto trash Angelea. I believe Allison has won more than one best pic no?

  7. 7
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    Oops yes you are right. Allison has had 2 best pics. She got it when she won the group reward.

  8. 8
    Jessi
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    If Tyra gives it to Angelea, it’s b/c she thinks it makes the best “story.” From Buffalo to a bus station to ANTM 3 times. Perseverance wins! That being said, I think Allison should win were it based on modeling, but it’ll probably go to Lisa for her obnoxious “brand.” If this is just about branding, why are they even judged weekly on photos?

  9. 9
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    It isn’t about branding specifically. And it isn’t about modelling specifically. It is about being able to be a model and a spokesperson and an intelligent blogger, etc. Allison doesn’t have the personality for that. Both Angelea and Lisa have that type of personality, but Lisa does it better and Angelea has anger/self image issues. But she will still probably win because as Jessi said it makes the better story.

  10. 10
    itchy
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    I got so bored with this season I stopped watching. None of these gals are at all interesting to watch. It’s become the equivalent of a Real Housewives show (I realize a lot of you are fans of that stuff, but I just don’t get it).

    Actually, this season of reality television has been pretty depressing. All the shows/formats have just become old.

  11. 11
    atlgirl
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Team Allison! I was annoyed with Tyson this episode. despite how beautiful he is. I thought he was too tough on Allison. She’s shy, but I think sometimes people misinterpret that as being cold, which is unfair. I think she’s the best model.

  12. 12
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    Michael Fassbender makes me want to dance.
    I’m not really dying to watch Shame, but I’m still gonna watch him.
    I mean it.

    Laura is pretty and sweet, but something about her is just not modelly to me. She’s taken some pretty pictures, but I don’t think she was meant to do this. She should just go be a kindergarten school teacher or something. I know she’s dyslexic, but she can surely read and write better than a kindergartner, can’t she?
    I feel bad for her though, because I think Tyra intentionally fucked her over by telling her to lay down and spray whipped cream into her face. She knew full damn well she was setting Laura up to get the “you’re too sexy for your brand” crit. That was a mean thing to do.

    I also remain steadfastly Team Allison.
    I think Tyson was just mad that she wasn’t dying and draping herself all over him like Angelea was. And it annoyed me that Nigel said that Allison wasn’t personable. She is personable, she’s just a little quiet and shy. It doesn’t mean that she’s unpleasant to be around.

    Tyra needs serious help.
    What the fuck was that sucking Tyson’s thumb thing? Who does that? WHO DOES THAT?!
    She looked good in the pink bodysuit though.

  13. 13
    hutchlover
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    Alison has also won two individual. She won the Mario and the Greek speaking. And she won best video.

  14. 14
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    @hutchlover, not according to wiki. The best video was the best pic that week. They didn’t have a regular photo shoot. She had best video (best pic) and also best pic when they did the stilts for a total of 2 best pics. Then she won the group reward for the interview with Mario and the individual reward for the greek speech upon their arrival.

  15. 15
    Luscious Luscious
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    Dearest P-baby, Through no fault of your excellent recapping, I still don’t understand Tyra’s book. WTF??? I only get to see this show through your recaps (it comes on Hulu way later and I ain’t got cable). I’m bummed Laura is gone. She seemed the only one with a pleasant enough personality for spokesperson and blogging and stuff. I just can’t see any of these 3 getting the title. Maybe, in an unprecedented move, Tookieyra will send them all home and declare herself ANTM.

  16. 16
    Laura Gill
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    Of all the inspiring places they could have gone, no one went to the Minoan ruins?

  17. 17
    Tapnfeet99
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    The thumb sucking was absolutely repulsive, especially the pop sound when it came out. Gross.

  18. 18
    bort
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    That book is going to be found in the possession of some crazy who tries to kill the President of Mccain foods to impress Snooki. Everything is about it is just weird and wrong. That is probably why Lisa did so good. Everything about her is just wrong. What is with her clothing anyways she should just wear a sandwich board that says LOOK AT ME I AM DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION!!!!!!

  19. 19
    leslilly
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    I thought the thumb-sucking was a (stupid) joke, and then I see that Tyra put the scene in the finished “work”. I love books, but wow, I don’t think I could get through Modelland. yikes

  20. 20
    leslilly
    Posted December 2, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    Oops – I didn’t finish my thought on paper. When Tyra put that scene into the finished product, I thought “WTF?!?!?!” It looks/sounds like she’s lost it.

  21. 21
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 3, 2011 at 10:31 am

    @bort — They are in a competition so isn’t that the point? The judges have said several times that when the girls are all lined up, their eyes go directly to Lisa. This is a GOOD thing. And every single one of those girls are attention whores or they wouldn’t be on the show.

  22. 22
    leslilly
    Posted December 3, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Maybe, in an unprecedented move, Tookieyra will send them all home and declare herself ANTM.

    ^ Luscious – LOL!

    Laura Gill – I was thinking the same thing. WTF?

    bort – I agree 100% w/you re: Lisa.

  23. 23
    leslilly
    Posted December 3, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Oh, and Dear P-Baby – just rec’d my newest EW in the mail and Michael Fassbender is in it. Thought of you. He is in EW magazine A LOT.

  24. 24
    mcbwallace
    Posted December 3, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    It was like watching a (good) episode of Saturday Night Live. Has she been evaluated by mental professionals?

  25. 25
    Jo
    Posted December 3, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    Seems like they’re conspiring for an Angelea win. :( I still cling to Allison tho!

  26. 26
    jahna
    Posted December 3, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    They are running a ANTM allstar marathon today and this commercial for next week’s finale keeps coming up where they say someone is being disqualified from the competition. Anybody hear anything about that?

  27. 27
    Detinha
    Posted December 4, 2011 at 2:06 am

    So..T. Banks is a “best seller author”, just like Sn00kie? Oh the humanity!!

  28. 28
    timgunnssister timgunnssister
    Posted December 6, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    The Banks is clearly certifiable. So, she’s been a model, spokesmodel, businesswoman, photographer, actress, singer, videographer, film maker and now novelist.

    Um, yeah.

    If I have to watch one more of her bizarre videos that she clearly thinks are all artsy and daring with running the footage backwards I will literally pour bleach in my eyes. No 7th grade film student would be so stupid as to do that yet there she is, She Who Believes She Can Do Nothing Wrong, sucking on Tyson Beckfords thumb. On film. She seriously needs to get a hobby other than ANTM.

  29. 29
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted December 7, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    @Jahna, according to Twitter, the original winner ran her mouth on Facebook and ruined the production and the crowned winner was actually second fiddle (although I’m pleased that she won). You can figure everything out based on who is trending, and I won’t ruin it, because the finale just finished airing on the East Coast.

  30. 30
    Moli Moli
    Posted December 7, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Derek are you serious?!?!?!?!?!?!?! What a dumb ass.

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