Hi Gasmii! P-Baby back after a wonderful pumpkin pie filled Thanksgiving to bring you the latest episode of Batshit Crazy also known as ANTM. This really may have been the strangest episode of ANTM I’ve ever seen. For real, after viewing, I think we all can agree The Banks needs to be medicated. Well, I think we all can agree that The Banks needed to medicated long before this episode, but this was an unprecedented level of lunacy.
Did any good gossip happen last week during Thanksgiving? I’ve been leaning more towards reading about Awards Season now than my typical gossip rags and I can’t wait to see the walking pheromone Michael Fassbender in Shame. Yeah, I know he’s supposed to be a hard core self-loathing sex addict in the movie…but when you look like that…is it necessarily a bad thing? Sure, you destroy the lives of people around you, but, speaking from a completely and utterly shallow aspect…well I’d hit that. Several times over.
PS. I still refer to him as Magneto, which made for an interesting misinterpretation of what I found attractive as Mr. P-Baby thought I was talking about banging Ian McKellen for about 15 minutes one evening.
And we’re off!
So, here we are. Still in Crete. Still no Uncle Jesse which means all the sweating and humidity and frizz is totally not worth it. This is the worst trip to Greece ever taken, not to mention the longest. The typical first five minute blabbering about OMG, there’s only four left and I deserve to win, no I do, boy it would suck to get sent home after spending the past 50 million years in Greece, does my face look shiny?, don’t no one from my hometown win nothing, I’m so proud of myself for being a reality whore nonsense goes on endlessly. We get it. You feel lucky to be there. I feel lucky to not have to work today as it is cold as a witch’s tit outside and snowing. I also feel lucky that I’m going to watch Goodfellas for the first time while drinking hot chocolate in my sweatpants after I’m done recapping this sloppy mess. Aren’t we all lucky in some regard?
The girls meet up with Uncle Pervy at a shop called Vendemma which must be Greek for Nicole Richie’s 2009 cast offs. Uncle Pervy breaks down the challenge for us today which consists of four parts. He reminds us that the winner of the cycle is going to be blogging on Vogue Italia’s website and that humorless Death Eater is going to be their boss and enact final say on what they blog about. I still have no idea how this, eater of babies and puppies:
gave birth to this, lover of P-Baby:
First, the girls are charged with picking out an outfit from the boutique, then they’ll have to get a driver to take them somewhere on the island that is inspiring, take some pictures, and finally blog about the whole thing all in three hours. The winner gets a trip for two back to Crete for a week. Oh, thanks Uncle Pervy, just where I want to go, back to the island I’ve been captive on for all of eternity.
I always wondered on the Amazing Race why the prizes for coming in first in a leg usually seems to be trips. Like, after racing around the globe frantically for 12 to 13 episodes, it would take the strength of Atlas to remove my butt from my couch for a good six months after returning from that adventure. I just want cash, Phil. Cold, hard cash. And maybe a life time supply of KFC for good measure.
The breakdown of what happens is that Lisa wants to go to a bunch of hot spots on the island. I begrudgingly admit this is not a completely horrible idea. Angelea wants to go to the Crete ghetto and the closest she gets is a wall with some graffiti on it. Laura and Allison end up at the same location (Is Crete like the smallest island in existence? I call shenanigans on this.) And then they all make it back to start blogging about it. Allison returns last which may explain why her blog is about as long as the back of a DVD case. Nigel shows up amidst the feverish blogging and says he’s going to take the blogs for submission to Lady Voldemort who will review. A winner will be announced the next night but we’re going to steamroll right into the winner now because the editing gets a little wonky in the middle of this episode and frankly, I want to fully concentrate on the hot mess that lies in waiting known as The Bank’s motion editorial. So…drumroll…Angelea wins the blogging challenge and the trip back to Crete. Hooray, I guess.
The fuck? Didn’t anyone ever tell her to use only one font formatting? What an unprofessional twit. Her resume probably looks like a ransom note.
And off we go to meet Jay who spills the beans that today will be a motion editorial directed by New York Times Best-Selling Author (in case your wondering, I’m now recapping with a gaping hole in my head as I’ve just shot myself) Tyra Banks. I refuse to give The Banks anymore publicity than what’s already been displayed on my TV so her “book” will not be mentioned from here on out. The Banks tells us she’s been working on Sweet Valley Model for FOUR TO FIVE YEARS. It’s 576 pages. I got my undergraduate degree in four years. The Banks wrote The Chronicles of Modelnia in five years and will make infinitely more money than I will with my degree. I hate this world.
Fun fact. The main character’s name in The Boxcar Models is Tookie De La Creme. Her mother’s name is Creamy De La Creme. I wonder how long it took The Banks to come up with that. It’s a real play on words. A regular Shakespeare, that one.
The Modelsitters Club is about a school on top of a mountain. We’ll call it Modelwarts (OMFG, how amazing would that be if that was a show, on TLC or something, and all it was about was people who wanted to be models but had unsightly warts, etc that needed to be removed because they were holding them back from having a career and being happy. And after the removal of said unsightly growths, we’d see a reveal and it would not only make them physically beautiful but beautiful on the inside since they know what it means to be disfigured. WE NEED TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN.) Modelwarts is very exclusive and very few girls are admitted. Main character Tookie is inspired off of none other than The Banks. It’s about fun and friendship and bullying and is magical (This was The Banks summary, btw. I’d describe it as a poor man’s Harry Potter that will be on sale for $4.99 at Barnes and Noble in two months time. So there’s that.)
The motion editorial is going to be shot out of order so I’m going to try and piece together the chapter titles for you along with screen caps. I think it goes without saying that you could literally read the chapters of Are You There God, It’s Me Model in any order imaginable and the story will remain the same. In fact, it would be way more impressive if Modelbumps was written in such a way that the chapters were purposely published out of order and you had to guess which order they go in. As if The Banks could do such an abstract thing intentionally.
Chapter 20: Run and Gun
Synopsis: A bunch of running and screaming in yellow dresses with gladiator accessories. A regular Friday night for me in college.
Chapter 36: All Hail Creamy
Synopsis: Creamy De La Creme is kind of deranged and obsessed with this doll named Belissima. Because that’s totally normal in the world of Banks.
Chapter 1: To Oke
Synopsis: A boy that Tookie is in love with wears a button that ends up in the garbage. Also, Tookie is obsessed with whipped cream. And The Banks says something that makes the 12 year old living inside of me giggle.
Chapter 3: Da-Tahhh!
Synopsis: Play in a fountain like it’s a hot summer day. Where are the popsicles? (So basically, I couldn’t get screenshots for this chapter, or the few after it. But again, since this entire book is crazy like a fox and/or my Grandma, these Google images fit right in)
Chapter 9: BZZZ
Synopsis: Angrily pose with swords, nunchucks, and other such weapons while dressed for an expensive toga party
Chapter 25: One Bee-Yotch (Catwalk Corridor)
Synopsis: Catwalk Corridor is where all the bad Intoxibellas get sent and turn into cats. Is there a place we can send lunatics who overstay their welcome on network TV?
Chapter 14: Arancia Rossa di Sicilia
Synopsis: All of Modelwarts smells like blood oranges because it’s one of The Banks’s favorite scents. Mmmm, bloody.
Chapter 7: X-O-2
Synopsis: Emotional scene with Tookie and dad with dad saying Tookie isn’t his. Sounds awfully Maury to me.
That wraps it up for the first day of shooting. The second day is not much better except it’s totally better because this arrives on set:
Tyson gets chatty with the girls but I can’t get over that dude is 40. 40! I guess he was a thing back in the 90s when all the other supermodels were huge too. Now he’s got a bunch of tattoos and is relegated to my other guilty modeling show pleasure Make Me A Supermodel which I found way more watchable than these later seasons of ANTM. What’s that you say? More pictures? Fine.
Chapter 18: La Lumiere
Synopsis: A Banks Fatal Attraction leg crossing, saved by a light pink bodysuit covered in nonsensical words which I can only imagine resembles The Banks’s stream of consciousness.
Chapter 24: W.O.W
Synopsis: Banks fellates Tyson’s thumb. Puke.
Chapter 8: Welcome to T-DOD
Synopsis: Running on rocks on beach whilst getting designer dress stuck on stuff and ripping
Fucking finally, the motion editorial shoot ends. Time for panel and part 1 of this nightmare for our viewing pleasure.
ANTM Motion Editorial Part 1
(I’ve been running into a lot of ANTM Cycle 17 stuff on you tube being taken down due to copyright blah blah, so I apologize if this link doesn’t work at the time of your reading.)
In the end, Haggis gets first call out with Laura and Allison landing in the bottom 2. Poor country gal Laura gets sent packing and as annoying as I found her, I think Laura is probably one of the nicest people to ever be on a reality TV show. With that in mind, I’m glad she lost. Laura will have a much happier life doing something else.
Finale time next week Gasmii! Who’s winning? I can’t tell but against my better judgment, Haggis would probably do the best job overall with the blogging, corresponding, etc. See you guys next week!
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