Gasmii, a jet-lagged, snot-filled P-Baby here bringing you the latest recap for ANTM All Stars. So where have I been? I’ve been globetrotting Down Under to visit friends, eat lots of Tim Tams (chocolate covered cookie things that are AMAZINGGGGG) and steal a koala bear. I haven’t quite recovered from the 15 hour plane ride home (Seriously. 15 hours. I didn’t know I could watch so many shitty movies in a row but something about airplanes and the weird partitioned food and the ear-popping makes me able to tolerate complete cinematic garbage much better than when I’m not 35,000 feet in the air. PS. Rough turbulence two hours in to a fifteen hour flight makes me cry and hide under a blanket. It’s true. Ask the Australian farmer that was sitting next to me who only peed ONCE IN 15 HOURS.) Anyway, the trip was great once my plankles went away. (Plankles= plane ankles. I thought I made it up myself but Urban Dictionary just made me less clever than I thought I was.) Now I’m back and while I have no idea what has happened on the past two episodes, I’ll just press on because, let’s be honest, ANTM All Stars isn’t exactly like Lost or something where you miss ten minutes and you’re all, “Where the fuck did the polar bear come from?”
In ANTM news, I see that Camille and Isis are no longer with us and I missed Kristen Cavallari’s appearance. How that girl went from banging Brody Jenner to Jay “Where’s my chin? I lost my chin!” Cutler is BEYOND. But Mr. P-Baby said that Jay makes a pretty penny and as we know, money and fame make girls sleep with all sorts of heinous stuff.
AND, Kelly Cutrone is replacing Andre Leon Talley next cycle?!?!?! Just when I thought I was going to tell Flipit I want a different show next season, my favorite Hills and City bitch has to come get involved. Damn it. It’s going to be epic. I want to see some major dressing down of The Banks. Would she dare?
So I guess Angelea won best photo last episode and I really dig Angelea’s personality even though her face is meh. Actually, she looks like a tall, skinny version of this girl I went to school with who used to get in fights and throw girls into lockers. I don’t think her name was Angelea. Angelea says after the first time she was on the show, no modeling agencies wanted to sign her, but can’t you all see her totally hosting something on MTV? She’s GOT to be better than the nonsense that happens on that channel as it stands. Lisa and Bianca throw in their two cents about why they deserve to win so I obviously know we are in for some shit with them this episode as they got to speak for more than two seconds pre-opening credits. Bianca is frustrated about the competition and everything happening in the house and the people around her and not winning and the blue sky and bananas and bus stops and kittens. I wonder if Bianca ever gets frustrated with not getting along with life because girlfriend is one miserable, put out bitch.
Tyramail! What goes around comes around and…shut up all of you. Stop guessing what the challenge might be. You are malnourished, can’t spell, and can barely speak Well English. (Deena Cortese, never change.)
Great. Never Nude up to her old tricks again. Never Nude loves being on the All Star season because she’s been modeling ever since season 1 and this fact makes her feel like a star. Whatever helps you sleep at night, honey. Never Nude always sounds like she is 2 Praise Jesus whoops away from losing her voice. Oh, and her faith helps her get through life when things are tough. You know what helps me get through life? Coffee, extra strength tylenol, and Us Weekly.
Some phone drama happens at the house when Never Nude decides to make a system giving everyone twenty minutes and Bianca is mad because she drew #10 to use the phone and she doesn’t think an hour and a half will leave enough time for everyone to use the phone and something about not adding up to twenty. Did any of you all catch what the actual problem was? I was too distracted by Never Nude INSTANTLY crying at the first inkling of confrontation even though Bianca was almost being normal.
Haggis Face Lisa decides it’s time for her ass to get involved and turns the whole thing into a way bigger deal than it was ever going to be. Bianca somehow is able to read my mind through the TV when she says:
So after all the fighting, we’re off to the first challenge where they are greeted by Miss J dressed like the Thompson dad from Honey I Shrunk the Kids. He tells the girls they’ll be stepping on and off a rotating carousel onto the runway which once again proves that The Banks is actively trying to kills these girls without actually being held accountable for murder.
The clothes being modeled are from the Kardashian Kollection (Seriously. I know. Don’t get me started.) and now we get to hear about how great and business-minded the Kardashians are. The models are all atwitter with what an honor it is to wear the clothes and the Kardashian brand. First of all, the line is available at Sears. SEARS. I haven’t been in Sears since 7th grade for clothing. Even at 12, I knew that Sears blew goats. Secondly, the Kardashian brand is not an honor. They endorse Skechers, SKECHERS, for fuck’s sake.
And here they come. I want it written into the contract I have with the Kardashians that I don’t have to see them unless baby Mason, Scott Disick, and Brody Jenner are around as well. Yes, I included Scott Disick. That’s how low my standards are. (That being said, I kind of love Khloe. FML.)
Time for the show. Seriously, how fast is the carousel going? Do carousels spin that fast? I might be remembering it wrong but I’ve also never stepped on and off of a moving one either. This kind of reminds me of the challenge two cycles ago when the girls had to walk down that conveyor belt thing similar to the walkways in airports only the conveyor belt was moving at like 100 MPH and everyone almost broke their necks. Anyway, no one looks graceful getting on and off of the carousel but then again, no one has looked graceful on a carousel since 1964.
Angelea brings her usual personality and even greets the Kards from the runway. Miss J calls her an alcoholic aunt but doesn’t everyone need an aunt like that to talk about boys with at holiday gatherings? Angelea can be my drunk aunt any day. Here’s a couple pictures from the challenge:
I think I spy Bruce J and Mama Kardashian in the crowd watching as well. Bianca looks super pissed on the runway and needs to get her shit together fast. Overall, I think I liked the clothes. God. I’m not finishing this recap without feeling like a lesser human being today. The Kardashians are evil Death Eaters. The sisters pick Lisa and Bre as the winners of a bunch of kind of cute Sears clothes. Congratulations, you’re now ready to be papped for In Style magazine.
Back at the house, Bre overhears Alexandria, Dominique, Lisa, and Angelea in the kitchen talking shit about Bianca basically saying Bianca should GTFO. Bre charges upstairs with the speed of an Olympian sprinter and tells Bianca that a “coalition is forming against her.” Love. It.
You know what I don’t love? Kate Bosworth’s goddamn cotton commercial singing at me right now. Apparently Kate not only “acts”, surfs, stalks Orlando Bloom, and wears hipster clothes, but also “sings.” I wish she’d stop making out all over Hollywood with that total random and actually just admit that Vampire Eric was the hottest piece she’ll ever get.
Tyramail! You’ll get noticed when you’re off the wall. Unfortunately, Kayla’s guess of jumping off a cliff is incorrect as the girls arrive at the photo shoot and are greeted by Jay and a bunch of knock off Michael Jackson clothes. The girls will be portraying Michael through the years which is finally a concept I can get on board with. I watched Moonwalker once a day, everyday from age five to eight and still watched it through high school, just not as regularly. The Smooth Criminal video blew my little face off with the cool suits and gravity defying dancing.
Because this wouldn’t be ANTM without a celebrity guest judge, LaToya Jackson is here to provide guidance. Angelea is super excited, declaring her love for the entire Jackson family in such a way that I really believe she’s been a fan forever of all of them and has probably watched that epically long miniseries movie on VH1 about 47 times.
Bianca has the Thriller red jacket on and the classic Michael hair, white socks, striped pants, and she does a decent job posing. In fact, most of these girls do a great job posing but some of the makeup is iffy. I totally dig the outfits though and it makes me miss MJ. Can we just for a minute remember that Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley were married? And then after that she married Nicolas Cage. My vagina is shriveling at the mere idea of these marital unions. The shoot ends with little nothing of significance happening so lets just move on to judging.
At panel, The Banks is looking fleshy in thigh high boots and a very short skirt/shorts/I don’t know what because I want her to put it away. LaToya is here to guest judge along with Bald Nigel and Andre.
1. Shannon. They say her plains (planes?) are genius. It’s good but Never Nude is so holier than thou that I’m over it.
2. Kayla. Kayla legit looks like Michael in the opening of Moonwalker when he’s singing Man in the Mirror and breathing and sweating all over the stage. He was an icon for a reason though I would totally not go to Neverland Ranch by myself at night.
3. Dominique. Dominique is rocking the Smooth Criminal suit and also looks pretty fab. Remember Alien Ant Farm’s version? I hope Music doesn’t allow that to happen ever again.
4. Angelea. Mixed reviews but overall ok. They think she can do better and I think she can too.
5. Allison. Allison got the short end of the stick with her outfit. LaToya says she looks like Donnie Osmond.
6. Bre. I LOVE Bre’s picture but Nigel says it makes him nervous. Shut up Nigel, no one asked you.
7. Alexandria. The judges say she is quirky. Sure, if by quirky they mean a horribly irritating Try Hard with an annoying mouth.
8. Lisa. Andre tells Lisa she’s not cute in her Rosie the Riveter outfit. Tyra of course loves it because she loves all things tacky. And because it can’t be said enough to this woman: Close your legs, the war is over.
9. Laura. Laura’s picture is good and she looks more striking with a darker eyebrow.
10. Bianca. Boring.
Laura gets first call out but I liked Bre’s photo best. In the end…no one gets sent home. WTF. I hate this episode. I’ll see you all next week!