ANTM Recap: Kardashian, Jacksons, and Buttload of Sparkle

Recaps

By P-Baby Walker | Saturday, October 15, 2011 | 6:00 am | 21 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: America's Next Top Model, Featured, Recaps

Gasmii, a jet-lagged, snot-filled P-Baby here bringing you the latest recap for ANTM All Stars.  So where have I been?  I’ve been globetrotting Down Under to visit friends, eat lots of Tim Tams (chocolate covered cookie things that are AMAZINGGGGG) and steal a koala bear.  I haven’t quite recovered from the 15  hour plane ride home (Seriously.  15 hours.  I didn’t know I could watch so many shitty movies in a row but something about airplanes and the weird partitioned food and the ear-popping makes me able to tolerate complete cinematic garbage much better than when I’m not 35,000 feet in the air.  PS.  Rough turbulence two hours in to a fifteen hour flight makes me cry and hide under a blanket.  It’s true.  Ask the Australian farmer that was sitting next to me who only peed ONCE IN 15 HOURS.)  Anyway, the trip was great once my plankles went away.  (Plankles= plane ankles.  I thought I made it up myself but Urban Dictionary just made me less clever than I thought I was.)  Now I’m back and while I have no idea what has happened on the past two episodes, I’ll just press on because, let’s be honest, ANTM All Stars isn’t exactly like Lost or something where you miss ten minutes and you’re all, “Where the fuck did the polar bear come from?”

polar bear

In ANTM news, I see that Camille and Isis are no longer with us and I missed Kristen Cavallari’s appearance.  How that girl went from banging Brody Jenner to Jay “Where’s my chin?  I lost my chin!” Cutler is BEYOND.  But Mr. P-Baby said that Jay makes a pretty penny and as we know, money and fame make girls sleep with all sorts of heinous stuff.

john ashton

AND, Kelly Cutrone is replacing Andre Leon Talley next cycle?!?!?!  Just when I thought I was going to tell Flipit I want a different show next season, my favorite Hills and City bitch has to come get involved.  Damn it.  It’s going to be epic.  I want to see some major dressing down of The Banks.  Would she dare?

kelly cutrone ANTM

So I guess Angelea won best photo last episode and I really dig Angelea’s personality even though her face is meh.  Actually, she looks like a tall, skinny version of this girl I went to school with who used to get in fights and throw girls into lockers.  I don’t think her name was Angelea.  Angelea says after the first time she was on the show, no modeling agencies wanted to sign her, but can’t you all see her totally hosting something on MTV?  She’s GOT to be better than the nonsense that happens on that channel as it stands.  Lisa and Bianca throw in their two cents about why they deserve to win so I obviously know we are in for some shit with them this episode as they got to speak for more than two seconds pre-opening credits.  Bianca is frustrated about the competition and everything happening in the house and the people around her and not winning and the blue sky and bananas and bus stops and kittens.  I wonder if Bianca ever gets frustrated with not getting along with life because girlfriend is one miserable, put out bitch.

Tyramail!  What goes around comes around and…shut up all of you.  Stop guessing what the challenge might be.   You are malnourished, can’t spell, and can barely speak Well English. (Deena Cortese, never change.)

group shot ANTM

Great.  Never Nude up to her old tricks again.  Never Nude loves being on the All Star season because she’s been modeling ever since season 1 and this fact makes her feel like a star.  Whatever helps you sleep at night, honey.  Never Nude always sounds like she is 2 Praise Jesus whoops away from losing her voice.  Oh, and her faith helps her get through life when things are  tough.  You know what helps me get through life?  Coffee, extra strength tylenol, and Us Weekly.

Some phone drama happens at the house when Never Nude decides to make a system giving everyone twenty minutes and Bianca is mad because she drew #10 to use the phone and she doesn’t think an hour and a half will leave enough time for everyone to use the phone and something about not adding up to twenty.  Did any of you all catch what the actual problem was?  I was too distracted by Never Nude INSTANTLY crying at the first inkling of confrontation even though Bianca was almost being normal.

never nude ANTM

Haggis Face Lisa decides it’s time for her ass to get involved and turns the whole thing into a way bigger deal than it was ever going to be.  Bianca somehow is able to read my mind through the TV when she says:

lisa bianca fight ANTM

So after all the fighting, we’re off to the first challenge where they are greeted by Miss J dressed like the Thompson dad from Honey I Shrunk the Kids.  He tells the girls they’ll be stepping on and off a rotating carousel onto the runway which once again proves that The Banks is actively trying to kills these girls without actually being held accountable for murder.

miss j ANTM

The clothes being modeled are from the Kardashian Kollection (Seriously.  I know.  Don’t get me started.) and now we get to hear about how great and business-minded the Kardashians are.  The models are all atwitter with what an honor it is to wear the clothes and the Kardashian brand.  First of all, the line is available at Sears. SEARS.  I haven’t been in Sears since 7th grade for clothing.  Even at 12, I knew that Sears blew goats.  Secondly, the Kardashian brand is not an honor.  They endorse Skechers,  SKECHERS, for fuck’s sake.

skechers

And here they come.  I want it written into the contract I have with the Kardashians that I don’t have to see them unless baby Mason, Scott Disick, and Brody Jenner are around as well.  Yes, I included Scott Disick.  That’s how low my standards are.  (That being said, I kind of love Khloe.  FML.)

kardashians on ANTMbrody

Time for the show.  Seriously, how fast is the carousel going?  Do carousels spin that fast?  I might be remembering it wrong but I’ve also never stepped on and off of a moving one either.  This kind of reminds me of the challenge two cycles ago when the girls had to walk down that conveyor belt thing similar to the walkways in airports only the conveyor belt was moving at like 100 MPH and everyone almost broke their necks.  Anyway,  no one looks graceful getting on and off of the carousel but then again, no one has looked graceful on a carousel since 1964.

mary poppins

Angelea brings her usual personality and even greets the Kards from the runway.  Miss J calls her an alcoholic aunt but doesn’t everyone need an aunt like that to talk about boys with at holiday gatherings?  Angelea can be my drunk aunt any day.  Here’s a couple pictures from the challenge:

bre carousel fun ANTMalexandria carousel

I think I spy Bruce J and Mama Kardashian in the crowd watching as well.  Bianca looks super pissed on the runway and needs to get her shit together fast.  Overall, I think I liked the clothes.  God.  I’m not finishing this recap without feeling like a lesser human being today.  The Kardashians are  evil Death Eaters.  The sisters pick Lisa and Bre as the winners of a bunch of kind of cute Sears clothes.  Congratulations, you’re now ready to be papped for In Style magazine.

Back at the house, Bre overhears Alexandria, Dominique, Lisa, and Angelea in the kitchen talking shit about Bianca basically saying Bianca should GTFO.  Bre charges upstairs with the speed of an Olympian sprinter and tells Bianca that a “coalition is forming against her.”  Love. It.

bre and bianca

You know what I don’t love?  Kate Bosworth’s goddamn cotton commercial singing at me right now.  Apparently Kate not only “acts”, surfs, stalks Orlando Bloom, and wears hipster clothes, but also “sings.”  I wish she’d stop making out all over Hollywood with that total random and actually just admit that Vampire Eric was the hottest piece she’ll ever get.

kate and boyfriendvamp eric

Tyramail!  You’ll get noticed when you’re off the wall.  Unfortunately, Kayla’s guess of jumping off a cliff is incorrect as the girls arrive at the photo shoot and are greeted by Jay and a bunch of knock off Michael Jackson clothes.  The girls will be portraying Michael through the years which is finally a concept I can get on board with.  I watched Moonwalker once a day, everyday from age five to eight and still watched it through high school, just not as regularly.  The Smooth Criminal video blew my little face off with the cool suits and gravity defying dancing.

smooth criminal

Because this wouldn’t be ANTM without a celebrity guest judge, LaToya Jackson is here to provide guidance.  Angelea is super excited, declaring her love for the entire Jackson family in such a way that I really believe she’s been a fan forever of all of them and has probably watched that epically long miniseries movie on VH1 about 47 times.

latoya jackson antm

Bianca has the Thriller red jacket on and the classic Michael hair, white socks, striped pants, and she does a decent job posing.  In fact, most of these girls do a great job posing but some of the makeup is iffy.  I totally dig the outfits though and it makes me miss MJ.  Can we just for a minute remember that Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley were married?  And then after that she married Nicolas Cage.  My vagina is shriveling at the mere idea of these marital unions.  The shoot ends with little nothing of significance happening so lets just move on to judging.

At panel, The Banks is looking fleshy in thigh high boots and a very short skirt/shorts/I don’t know what because I want her to put it away.  LaToya is here to guest judge along with Bald Nigel and Andre.

1.  Shannon.  They say her plains (planes?) are genius.  It’s good but Never Nude is so holier than thou that I’m over it.

shannon final

2.  Kayla.  Kayla legit looks like Michael in the opening of Moonwalker when he’s singing Man in the Mirror and breathing and sweating all over the stage.  He was an icon for a reason though I would totally not go to Neverland Ranch by myself at night.

kayla final

3.  Dominique.  Dominique is rocking the Smooth Criminal suit and also looks pretty fab.  Remember Alien Ant Farm’s version?  I hope Music doesn’t allow that to happen ever again.

dominique final

4.  Angelea.  Mixed reviews but overall ok.  They think she can do better and I think she can too.

angelea final

5.  Allison.  Allison got the short end of the stick with her outfit.  LaToya says she looks like Donnie Osmond.

allison final

6.  Bre.  I LOVE Bre’s picture but Nigel says it makes him nervous.  Shut up Nigel, no one asked you.

bre final

7.  Alexandria.  The judges say she is quirky.  Sure, if by quirky they mean a horribly irritating Try Hard with an annoying mouth.

alexandria final

8.  Lisa.  Andre tells Lisa she’s not cute in her Rosie the Riveter outfit.  Tyra of course loves it because she loves all things tacky.  And because it can’t be said enough to this woman: Close your legs, the war is over.

lisa final

9.  Laura.  Laura’s picture is good and she looks more striking with a darker eyebrow.

laura final

10.  Bianca.  Boring.

bianca final

Laura gets first call out but I liked Bre’s photo best.  In the end…no one gets sent home.  WTF.  I hate this episode.  I’ll see you all next week!




P-Baby Walker is a Pez-collecting, Archie Comic reading, Elvis loving, self-appointed movie sensei.  Lack of sunlight, fresh air and a bloodstream composed of Diet Pepsi causes her moods to air on the side of salty, resulting in endless disgruntled opinions for the world to enjoy.  Due to overall lack of motivation to do anything else, P-Baby has recently started writing more of her musings on pop culture at Mrs. Catalano Presents...  When she's not in the midst of her ongoing epic battle between love and hate for Nicolas Cage, she spends an abnormal amount of time watching B movies on Netflix.  She hopes to meet John Waters one day and thank him for his contributions to the film industry.

21 Comments

  1. 1
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted October 15, 2011 at 6:54 am

    I thought they “mean girled” Bianca a little bit in this episode. Never, EVER thought I would feel sorry for her (especially after the way she treated Heather), but I did. A little. I did like the way Laura removed herself from the fray – smart girl and my choice for the winner this season. Lisa should have totally gone home!

  2. 2
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted October 15, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Omfg this episode.
    Okay.

    1. Shannon is so fucking annoying. I actually liked her picture best (gag) but she’s insufferable. Always crying!! And then at the photoshoot when she was like “REJECTED” I wanted to reach into the tv and slap her upside her stupid head. That was some passive aggressive, bitchass bullshit and she did it so she could set Bianca off without actively engaging her. And then she wants to run to Bre and cry about..whyy does she hate me so much. I do not like Bianca, but the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I guess I’m Team Bianca for now. Just until Shannon and fucking Haggis Face Lisa (love the name btw) go home.

    2. I respect that Michael was all about peace and love, but if you knew the man, he was also a perfectionist. He went hard on his dancers and whoever else was working on a project with him and if they were NOT up to par, they were asked to step aside. With peace and love, of course. So in the TRUE spirit of Michael, Haggis Face Lisa should have been sent the eff home. With peace and love. Especially because she had THRILLER. That album and all the videos associated with it are chock-full of iconic moments and she could have done any one of those. Instead, she did some bullshit running man and splits. Bitch didn’t even try. I don’t know if she didn’t know Michael or just didn’t care, but either way, Girl BYE.

    3. And they were mean to Bre for no reason. I thought her picture was fabulous.

  3. 3
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted October 15, 2011 at 8:58 am

    OMG, plankles. I never thought to give it a name. Even if it’s in Urban Dictionary, it’s still brilliant P-Baby.

  4. 4
    snappleaddict
    Posted October 15, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Shannon and Lisa just both look so old. Plus Lisa has obviously had a nose job, and not a very good one at that.

    Lisa tries too hard to be quirky. She’s always dressed in costumes and her hair is always curled all weird. It bugs the crap out of me, but for some reason I think it’s cute on Allison. Maybe because she’s not so irritating.

    Man I wish they had gotten Jade in on this season, she’s the true All-Star to me.

  5. 5
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted October 15, 2011 at 9:39 am

    I’m pretty sure the Shannon/Bianca/Lisa dust-up stems from the fact that none of these idiots are able to do arithmetic. Or (as we’ve established) speak basic English. Let us pause for a moment and remember the late, lamented letters T and D, as some of these girls dih-in bother to learn proper elocution. And that pesky math problem could have readily been solved if these airheads had stopped texting “OMG! Kin U billeev dis beyotch?” long enough to look at the cell phone tools and discover the calculator function.

    One season the girls get set on fire…another they walk the plank over a pool while trapped in a giant balloon…and this year they have to get on and off a high-speed carousel while wearing four inch heels. Tyra is taking out her jealousy of their youth in very creative fashions. I can’t wait until next season. Will it be posing in a giant tank of poisonous snakes or sky diving with a faulty parachute?

    At the Michael Jackson shoot I kept waiting for one of the girls to pose with a bevy of little boys and zoo animals while grabbing her crotch. Or at the very least one of them could have struck a zombie pose.

    Dominique’s arm (in her Jackson photo) is incredibly graceful and relaxed. I think that’s what makes the shot so great.

    I don’t care how they dress up Alexandria. I think she’s ugly.

    Also, while watching this episode I suddenly realized I am my family’s drunk aunt. It was a disturbing revelation that drove me to have another glass or three of wine.

  6. 6
    carol
    Posted October 15, 2011 at 11:19 am

    There was something about this episode which made all of the girls seem super skinny and tall. Maybe it was because they shared the screen with the Kardashians who are short-short and squat-round.

  7. 7
    Tadow
    Posted October 15, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    I agree with Catty. It seems it took the megabrain power of Bianca to realize that 20*10 = 200 minutes, and they only had 90. With Shannon’s plan only the first 4-5 girls would have gotten any phone time. Clearly Bianca was in the wrong for flaunting her superior math skills.

  8. 8
    LaPetiteChanteuse
    Posted October 15, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Lisa needed to go home. She is awful. I agree with everyone else. Why is Bianca the villain for knowing basic math and for standing up for herself? It seems like the girls were just trying to set up the scheme they do almost every season to jump on the girl who says she’s tired and wants to leave the competition. Shannon is clearly unstable. I sense some mathematics-based drama in her past. No one starts crying like that with no provocation. I thought Bre and Kayla had the best pictures so I was surprised they fell in the middle of the lineup when the names were being called. Nigel is also incredibly annoying and Andre won major points for being the only one to call Lisa out on her tackiness. Next week the guest seems to be Coco Rocha. I can’t wait for a real model to come show these girls what their place is.

  9. 9
    Liz
    Posted October 15, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    I guess I’m the only one who didn’t hate Shannon this episode, lol! Yes, it was ridiculous for her to cry when Bianca asked her a normal question in a normal way. But I can see how if Bianca stomps around all the time, some people might be intimidated by her without her really doing anything. I was even kind of impressed by Bianca for not yelling at her for being ridiculous. I also think it sucks that people want to point out everything she does and says and rate it for being Christian enough. If she was going around telling other people to be more Christian, then I would understand that, but (and I could be wrong here) from what I’ve seen she hasn’t – she’s only said she has her own set of standards that she follows for herself. Having said that, Shannon needs to get over what other people think about her. She needs to worry about what she thinks is right and wrong (and I guess what Jesus thinks too) and not what Bianca thinks makes a good Christian.

  10. 10
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted October 15, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    Liz…Bianca seems to have a lot of hatred for Christians. Everytime she says the word “Christian,” it’s steeped in loathing. Guess it’s still okay for people to be intolerant of those who identify themselves as a certain religion. Can you imagine the outcry if Bianca were as nasty about someone being a Jew or a Muslim?

    My point is Bianca’s hostility is completely unwarranted. She can dislike Shannon and what Shannon does without spitting the word Christian every third sentence.

  11. 11
    LaPetiteChanteuse
    Posted October 15, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    cattyfan, I don’t think Bianca is against Christianity. At least from the vibe I’m getting from Bre, I think it’s more about thinking Shannon is hypocritical and silly and just using her religion to justify her actions. I think she’s just decided to brand Shannon “The Crying Christian” as a way to diminish her, literally, as in she’s no longer a person but just a moniker. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Bre and Bianca are also Christians.

  12. 12
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted October 15, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    I’m betting Bianca wouldn’t be so derisive about another religion. I can’t imagine her calling someone the Bawling Buddhist or the Weeping Wiccan…because Tyra and company would view that as “hate speech.”

    Bianca needs to learn that someone is allowed to announce they’re Christian and still make mistakes. It isn’t hypocrital. It’s mortal.

  13. 13
    Adelefig
    Posted October 16, 2011 at 12:04 am

    Cattyfan, I agree with you. It isn’t Shannon who keeps going around yelling “I’m a Christian!” It is others who use it as a type of put down. Bianca is a bully and so is Angelea. I can’t stand either one of them.

  14. 14
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted October 16, 2011 at 12:53 am

    I think Bianca only uses Christian to insult Shannon because she knows that Christianity is important to Shannon, and when you want to hurt someone’s feelings, you use things that are dear to them.
    She probably doesn’t hate all Christians, just this particular one named Shannon.

    I also think that Bianca would make fun of another religion. She may not be so overt with it, but she would do there. I mean…this is a person who made fun of a girl with Asperger’s. I feel like for Bianca, there is no line.

  15. 15
    cass
    Posted October 16, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    I rarely comment, but I’ve been reading your recaps on ANTM for awhile now, P-Baby. I don’t watch ANTM until the weekend when I have the time to catch up on all my shows. Just finished this episode and even during the episode I was thinking in my head some of the shit you would rip apart, couldn’t wait to come over here and read the recap once I finished the ep. And I gotta say, this was pretty disappointing :( I know the entire episode was a waste of time since nobody went home, but it was still much less boring than any of teh other episodes this season. I hope the next recap is more like your old ones, I miss them :(

  16. 16
    lajane81
    Posted October 16, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    I’m still not over my hatred of this episode. First off, I can’t flippin’ stand the Kardashians, and then no one gets sent home?!?! Lisa and Alexandria BOTH should have goten the axe. Damn you LaToya! Peace and love have no place where Haggis Face is concerned.

  17. 17
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted October 16, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    This recap was hilarious & so were almost all of the comments. I finally saw the episode today and I was not as upset by the outcome as some. The photo shoot was a weird concept to me and the carousel thing was crazy.

    I thought Shannon WAY overreacted to Bianca trying to talk to her calmly. I definitely couldn’t live in a house with all of those women.

    I actually shed little tear watching Angelea break down as she thanked LaToya. She really is banking on this show to solidify her future. I was surprised no major agency wanted her since she booked all 6 go-sees her season. Maybe that was just for the show. She might need to be put on suicide watch when she goes home for real. I hope she does do something with herself though. She really wants this bad.

    Despite Bianca’s tantrums, she is quick with the insults and I always laugh.

  18. 18
    Jessi
    Posted October 17, 2011 at 9:08 am

    P-Baby, I’m so glad you’re back!
    I thought it was hilarious when it looked like Bre was physically holding Bianca back from smacking Lisa. Too bad Bre couldn’t be there for Nikki Blonsky! Bianca is hilarious, but I wouldn’t want to piss her off! Also, Shannon, stfu. You’re trying to create drama so people will remember who you are. We remember, and we still don’t like you.

  19. 19
    labowner
    Posted October 17, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Thatswhatshesaid no on books her because she is ghetto trash. Do none of these girls get that people see your behavior on camera. Who wants to work with some of them? Straight ash crazy.

  20. 20
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted October 17, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    @labowner: LOL! I feel bad. She is TRYING!! If Beyonce could shed her ghetto-ness, why can’t Angelea? Someone needs to show her the way!!!

  21. 21
    hutchlover
    Posted October 21, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    I’m sorry, but Bianca is a nasty pot-stirrer. So Shannon cried, big whoops. LISA is the one who butted her nose in. And so Shannon said “rejected”. Again, big whoops. If Bianca can’t take it, she best not dish it out.

    She was incredibly nasty to Heather (who should’ve won her season), becauase Heather has Ausberger’s. She felt threatened by Heather and I think she feels slightly threatened by Shannon (though, why I don’t know. They both work in the industry as models.)

    Bre was another one this week. Running upstairs to place blame. And yes, her face in her picture was terrible. She deserved to be low.

    I just wish they would’ve sent Lisa packing with her lovely trashassian clothes.

    How unfair that only Allison got stuck with the early 70′s. And yes, she looked more like Marie Osmond.

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