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Hi Gasmii! P-Baby here trying to keep my eyeballs from rolling out of my head at the Ashlee Simpson-ness of this episode. Anyway, I’ve had kind of a long week so let’s get right to it, shall we?
Driving home after the first elimination, it seems as though none of the girls actually knew what prizes they were competing for until attending the first elimination panel. Like, none of them asked? Before agreeing to the show? No one’s agency demanded to know what the outcome would be, should their client win? I pose this question: What if the prize at the end was nothing besides the glory and exposure of being on a crappy show no one is watching due to The X-Factor/Modern Family/the 90 other things that air on Wednesday nights? I’d like to say these girls wouldn’t be that stupid but they insist on proving me wrong time and time again.
On top of being stupid, all these entitled knuckleheads think that they deserve to win the All Star cycle, including Never Nude who’s got to be pushing 35. Look Never Nude. It’s not going to happen. You could probably get a sweet gig starring in Pajama Jean commercials but your constantly clothed ship has sailed. Just once, I’d like someone to sit there and say, “Yeah, I kind of blew it during the first cycle. Everyone here is competing pretty hard so I’m going to have to be even better in order to be awarded the prize.” I think I’d fall off my couch if such humble words ever escaped their lips.
The girls all gossip around the house blah blah blah and it should be noted that this, more or less, was my husband’s face upon seeing the oil spill that is Alexandria’s face in her confessionals.
Banks Olsen shows up from the Daily Planet with a newsflash:
The Banks has convinced some guy to come in and assign each girl a “one word brand” based off a persona as decided by fans or something overly complicated and unnecessary for a show like this. Why do these girls get labeled every episode and it’s always a slight variant on whatever it was the episode prior? Call them anemic and underfed and be done. The models all listen intently to Martin because if the Kardashians can still be a thing, than anyone can make it. Does anyone remember what was airing on E! before the Kardashians gave everyone blow jobs at that channel?
So here’s the breakdown of brands as assigned by Martin.
Lisa: Daring. Look, people. Peeing in a diaper is not daring. It’s fucking gross and a desperate cry for attention, unless of course she is an infant or an old person. Actually, with that face she’s rocking, she could legit get away with peeing in a diaper now cuz girlfriend is pushing 75.
Sheena: Unexpected. What does that even mean? Unexpected because she’s a tall Asian, the rarest breed on the planet?
Kayla: Free, even though she guesses gay. Martin tells Kayla that being gay is so five years ago.
HOLY SHIT WHAT’S HAPPENING ON MY TV?!?!
Shannon: Trustworthy. The only thing I trust this broad to do is be a cocktease.
Martin kind of glosses over Dominique (Survivor) and Allison (Unique), so we’ll gloss over them too.
Angelea: Persistence. I don’t know what persistence has to do with the fact that Martin just told her the general public sees her as a brand representative for cheap shoes. That’s all sorts of awesome and bitchy. Score 1 for Martin.
The rest come in rapid succession: Bre (Girlfriend), Camille (Proud), Isis (Inspiration), and Laura (Loveable).
Alexandria is worried about what the fans voted for her brand after the display of the totally mature DUDE in the crowd from the first episode who cussed her out and called her a bitch. She is relieved to find out she’s been assigned “tough.” Lastly, Martin assigns Bianca the brand “candid” and she takes that to mean she has free reign to not hold back anymore. She’s been holding back?
Bianca takes this brand to mean that she can unleash her hosebeast self upon the house. She gets her panties in a wad over suspected gossiping committed by Dominique and Camille. By the way, those two said nothing gossipy in the slightest, which Bianca leaves out when Bre asks her what was actually said. So basically Bianca probably did deserve to get up by Nikki Blonsky because girlfriend is a bitch.
Makeover time!!! Miss J is being really cutesy and calling them Ty-Overs which I staunchly refuse to do. Ashlee Simpson is here apparently to oversee the makeovers as well but…really? Have you SEEN her hair lately?
Fairly little of interest occurs during the makeovers save for a Bre meltdown. Bre? Your hair actually looks better. So stop threatening to quit because I KNOW you don’t have much else going on back home. Also, it’s a smarter idea to quit BEFORE your hair is chopped off. You know, so keep that in mind. But you aren’t quitting? OK, so now we just know what a whiny baby you are, but we knew that years ago when sweet, succulent Red Bull was wasted down the drain instead of guzzled into my sleep deprived mouthhole.
But it’s not all bad for Bre. 1. She looks great 2. She kind of redeems herself in my opinion by sucking it up and actually making sense in her confessionals about why she decided to stay. I must be getting soft in my exhausted state of delirium.
Oh, I forgot this little nugget. Lisa is getting married in two months and wants to keep her hair long. LISA IS GETTING MARRIED. Gross. Yuck. I feel obligated to google search in order to find out who this masochist is.
I can’t find the lucky man. These are the only douches that pop up when I google Lisa D’Amato husband.
Alexandria has what I can only describe as a chemically imbalanced reaction to her makeover. She’s sobbing because of happiness because of a hair cut.
Seriously, this chick has to be on meds right? She’s so manic it’s frightening.
In the midst of makeovers, Jay and Miss J show up with a fine selection of chili hot dogs. I’m surprised they don’t catch on fire for carrying such a heinous item in their world. I, for one, would eat the hell out of a chili dog this instant even though my farts already smell like eggs trapped within the confines of an Astro Van in Texas in August. What’s one more mixture of grease and beans?
Turns out the hot dogs were provided by Pink’s and today the girls will be modeling their new makeovers along with a hot dog creation of their own, all the while posing like their “brand.” Why is everything so goddamn convoluted on this show now? Why can’t it be, hey we’re going to have you model these really pretty earrings while a scorpion walks around on your head, cool? Ok, and SMIZE! (PS. If it was MY hotdog to make, it would be fried, dipped in buffalo sauce, sprinkled with cheese with sliced dill pickles on top.)
Same as makeovers, nothing exciting happens at the shoot either. Sheena decides to add rose petals to her hot dog as the unexpected twist. I’m throwing my hotdog in Sheena’s face the minute I bite down on a flower petal. I barely like lettuce. I don’t want to eat a boutonniere when all I want is ground, processed meat.
What’s more busted than Lisa’s face? Lisa’s face choking on a hot dog.
It seems like absolutely nothing has happened and we are already at the judging panel. Is it just me? I can talk about how much I dislike Ashlee Simpson some more but …instead I’d rather post a picture of the artist formerly known as Bald Nigel.
Ashlee is the guest judge on panel today and this was my husband’s face, more or less, when Tyra goes on to say Ashlee is a multi-platinum selling artist, an actress, Broadway star, and fashion designer:
So here’s what the panel had to say about…
1. Dominique. Tyra says Dominique looks like she won an Oscar and wanted to get the hell out of there so she could eat her hot dog. First of all, no one from this show is winning Oscars during my lifetime. Secondly, I distinctly remember Hilary Swank pulling a move such as this involving a SECOND Oscar and Astro Burger so if I had to pick between Hilary Swank and Banks as a mentor on how to be famous, it’s Swank all the way.
2. Bianca. Ashlee wants to have Bianca’s baby and Andre says she has talent. Great. More ego-swelling, just what we need.
3. Shannon. Boring but fine.
4. Camille. Ahslee thinks it looks like a camera photo with her friends. Camille is definitely going to cut that bitch.
5. Laura. I find it hard to believe this is Laura’s best shot. It’s disgusting. I love hot dogs but I don’t LOVE hot dogs.
6. Isis. It’s a mixed bag for Isis’s picture but they like her self-made dress so she’ll be around at least a little longer.
7. Kayla. Kayla was confused with how to pose with a hot dog while demonstrating her “free” brand, and the panel says she should have done a fly away bird pose. Poor Kayla.
8. Allison. They tell Allison to be careful about being too cute. I wish I’d get that warning once in awhile. Usually my mom is just telling me to stop stomping around like a clydesdale and stand up straight.
9. Alexandria. The judges say that Alexandria looks more sweet than tough but they still rave about the picture.
10. Sheena. Sheena is described as not exciting, not unexpected, and not interesting. I’m pretty sure she’s done for.
11. Angelea. Andre says Angelea could be Nikki Taylor, Melania Trump, a young Sophia Loren. Umm, no.
12. Lisa. They say Lisa’s picture is daring, crazy, out there. It’s also absolutely disgusting.
13. Bre. I’m not sure how this represents girlfriend but Bre this time around is a lot calmer. She’s still bummed about her hair though.
Before we get to the winner and the eliminated, this happened:
So…Lisa wins best photo. I’ve never been a fan of people chewing with their mouths open so I don’t get it. Bianca gets called next. The bottom two comes down to Kayla and Sheena with Sheena getting the heave ho. Goodbye my beautiful lanky Asian princess. It was nice while it lasted. Thanks for reading, see you guys next week!!