Hi Gasmii! Your faithful P-Baby back once again from the pit of hell (aka Atlanta). Big thanks to ApplePie for covering my ass while I was off “working.” (“Working” consists of drinking McDonald’s coffee, doing the USA Today games page and watching the clock not move while pretending to type stuff. I did actual work too but I’m a morning person and once the clock hits 1PM, the brain shuts down.)
Anyway, what about the news? That Kardashian thing got divorced, and a Bieber paternity scandal came and went in the time I was gone. Bradley Cooper as Sexiest Man Alive? I think not, but I wouldn’t kick him out of bed either. I’d like a Coop and Gos sandwich if I’m being honest. Lastly, I cried a little when JoePa was fired. I admit it. I spent 4 awesome years at Penn State back in the early 2000′s and it’s hard to explain the emotion but whatever. I missed you guys. I’m getting fat on eggnog at 10AM on a Friday, what better way to get to recapping?
We’re still in Greece (I saw some pictures of the girls laying all over salad from last week. First of all, puke. Secondly, puke.) and up to our typical overanalyzing of the standings that go on in the first five minutes. Dominique, Haggis, and Angelea dither away about ferocity, etc but it’s fairly obvious that this episode is going to contain some Angelea drama since that’s all anyone is talking about. Angelea is insecure which, like, don’t go into an industry designed to point out flaws and pick people apart. Is this a tacky time to point out that Angelea’s skin looks like mine…when I was 13…and hadn’t yet discovered gold in a bottle aka Pro-Activ?
Tyra Mail: Tomorrow you’ll meet with the judges. No one knows what the bloody hell this means. Laura is scared. This is the “most scariest” Tyra Mail that Laura’s ever seen. I don’t doubt that Laura’s a really sweet girl, so I’ll bust out one of my favorite passive aggressive Southern sayings. Laura is a fucking moron, bless her heart. See, it’s not mean.
Turns out the girls are not actually meeting with the panel judges, but instead will be judging each other. They are greeted by Miss J who has been seriously misguided in all things hair department or the loser of a bet.
The girls sit and judge each other on walks, their past photos, etc. It’s pretty tame for the most part because no one is saying what we see at home which is: Allison’s walk sucks, Laura’s too short and very average, Angelea should wear foundation ALWAYS, Dominique should be at home with her tiny new baby, and Haggis is like a 47 year old sun-damaged mom with teenagers who tries to dress hot to seduce her son’s soccer team friends. Observe.
Miss J asks the bombshell question on “Which girl doesn’t deserve to be here?” Once again, Laura, Lisa, and Allison refuse to play along and it seems like this poor attempt at starting a catfight is failing. Dominique must sense our boredom at home because she points out that Angelea is lacking in the confidence necessary to be an All-Star.
Now, being a normal person of sound (ish) mind and a basic grasp on reality, this doesn’t seem like too big of an offense to me. That time in high school when this wannabe girl told all my friends that I hated them and faked a note from me to her saying as such? That was a much bigger offense. It was straight up Mean Girls in 1999 for like two weeks. I digress.
Angelea clearly takes this criticism to heart and ends up fighting with the other four because “Don’t nobody know her story,” and “we don’t know nothing about her.” While valid points, I’m confused for a couple of reasons. First, it seems like the other four are basically saying how much they like her and how great she is but Angelea takes it as an attack. The hell? Second, WHY CAN NO ONE STRING A SENTENCE TOGETHER ON THIS SHOW? LISTEN TO YOURSELVES. GO BACK TO SCHOOL. READ A FUCKING BOOK. READ A NEWSPAPER. READ A MAGAZINE. AT THE VERY LEAST, READ A CEREAL BOX. God damn it.
So Angelea is off crying now and Miss J comes over. He lets her vent for a few minutes but frankly, I’m not listening because I’m terrified Little Miss J is about to pay me an unannounced visit.
Angelea finally comes back inside but the drama has subsided. In the end, Allison is voted as the weakest of the bunch and Laura is selected as the one with most potential as an All-Star. Is Most Potential code for Most Illiterate? Because Laura just told me she’s the “Most Toughest” of the bunch. Commence head banging against wall now.
The prize turns out to be something everyone gets to participate in, where Greece’s famous socialite Twihard will take them out on a boat for the day and out partying at night, Real Housewives of Crete style. Twihard is emaciated and has meth hair so I’m going to venture she’s on the wrong side of 40 and lacking in nose cartilage.
So after a day of swimming, the girls and Twihard the Drunk go out to a club. Twihard wants everyone to drink shots, which I can relate because I’m totally that girl at the bar after a screwdriver or two who feels the need to saturate everyone with tequila. That being said, it may be time for Twihard to pack it in because it’s not a good look for anyone past 25. But who cares about Twihard the Drunk when the real problem is that no one brought blotting papers and I want to fry an egg on Laura’s face.
Another Tyra Mail rolls in but this time it’s only a picture. The girls deduce, in the loosest sense of the word, that they’ll be doing a beauty shot as grecian statues or painted gold. Wrong and wrong. Today, Jay explains they will be using fashion accessories to recreate Olympic sports. Uncle Pervy will be photographing today so the pressure is on since he’s a panel judge as well.
Dominique’s up first with the javelin, followed by Allison using a purse as a discus, Haggis tackles the hurdles, Laura gets the bow and arrow, and lastly Angelea with the put shot as she calls it because Angelea lives in a cave of ignorance and has never heard of the shot put before. Uncle Pervy gives quick tutoring sessions to each girl prior to the shoot, making me wonder how much quality time Uncle Pervy spent with Bruce Jenner prior to this episode. In fact, how is Bruce Jenner not on this show as a guest judge? I refuse to believe this was not discussed in the world of reality fame whoredom. Speaking of Uncle Pervy and Bruce Jenner, there is a sandwich I want no part of unless it’s 1970′s Bruce Jenner.
Here’s some candids from the shoot:
Nothing exciting happens at the shoot (shocking, I know) so let’s get on to panel.
1. Allison: Even if Allison doesn’t win, she can be Game’s babymama. Besides, she already got to be sort of famous via Creepy Chan and I think life’s got more to offer her besides this show.
2. Lisa: As much as it pains me to admit, Haggis has the best “personality” for what this cycle seems to be looking for. She talks without sounding too idiotic and has had enough “fame” to not fall to pieces while doing red carpet stuff for whatever tabloid show she’s contracted to.
3. Dominique. I like Dominique’s big J Lo 2002 Oscar’s hair. She doesn’t have it in this picture but I didn’t get a chance to mention it earlier.
4. Angelea. Shot Put. Shot Put. Shot Put. Shot Put. Sound it out, girl.
5. Laura. I’m over it but a nice picture, yes.
Laura ends up winning best photo. Why is Laura winning stuff? She so blatantly does not belong here. Have you HEARD her talk lately? Good luck interviewing The Gos on a red carpet as a “celebrity” host. Gos would look her with his head tilted all hot and contemplating and then pet her like a puppy and move on to the next quasi journalist before girl could get another word out.
Angelea and Dominique end up in the bottom 2 and Dominique is eventually sent home. It looks like next week is a highlights show so if I don’t catch you all until then, have a great Thanksgiving and don’t forget to ask for extra gravy on your mashed potatoes!!
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