ANTM Recap: The Put Shot Heard ‘Round the World

Recaps

By P-Baby Walker | Friday, November 18, 2011 | 7:33 pm | 28 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: America's Next Top Model, Featured, Recaps

Hi Gasmii!  Your faithful P-Baby back once again from the pit of hell (aka Atlanta).  Big thanks to ApplePie for covering my ass while I was off “working.”  (“Working” consists of drinking McDonald’s coffee, doing the USA Today games page and watching the clock not move while pretending to type stuff.  I did actual work too but I’m a morning person and once the clock hits 1PM, the brain shuts down.)

Anyway, what about the news?  That Kardashian thing got divorced, and a Bieber paternity scandal came and went in the time I was gone.  Bradley Cooper as Sexiest Man Alive?  I think not, but I wouldn’t kick him out of bed either.  I’d like a Coop and Gos sandwich if I’m being honest.  Lastly, I cried a little when JoePa was fired.  I admit it.  I spent 4 awesome years at Penn State back in the early 2000′s and it’s hard to explain the emotion but whatever.  I missed you guys.  I’m getting fat on eggnog at 10AM on a Friday, what better way to get to recapping?

sandwich

We’re still in Greece (I saw some pictures of the girls laying all over salad from last week.  First of all, puke.  Secondly, puke.)  and up to our typical overanalyzing of the standings that go on in the first five minutes.  Dominique, Haggis, and Angelea dither away about ferocity, etc but it’s fairly obvious that this episode is going to contain some Angelea drama since that’s all anyone is talking about.  Angelea is insecure which, like, don’t go into an industry designed to point out flaws and pick people apart.  Is this a tacky time to point out that Angelea’s  skin looks like mine…when I was 13…and hadn’t yet discovered gold in a bottle aka Pro-Activ?

angelea skin

Tyra Mail: Tomorrow you’ll meet with the judges.  No one knows what the bloody hell this means.  Laura is scared.  This is the “most scariest” Tyra Mail that Laura’s ever seen.  I don’t doubt that Laura’s a really sweet girl, so I’ll bust out one of my favorite passive aggressive Southern sayings.  Laura is a fucking moron, bless her heart.  See, it’s not mean.

Turns out the girls are not actually meeting with the panel judges, but instead will be judging each other.  They are greeted by Miss J who has been seriously misguided in all things hair department or the loser of a bet.

jay hair

The girls sit and judge each other on walks, their past photos, etc.  It’s pretty tame for the most part because no one is saying what we see at home which is:  Allison’s walk sucks, Laura’s too short and very average, Angelea should wear foundation ALWAYS, Dominique should be at home with her tiny new baby, and Haggis is like a 47 year old sun-damaged mom with teenagers who tries to dress hot to seduce her son’s soccer team friends.  Observe.

lisa leopard

Miss J asks the bombshell question on “Which girl doesn’t deserve to be here?”  Once again, Laura, Lisa, and Allison refuse to play along and it seems like this poor attempt at starting a catfight is failing.  Dominique must sense our boredom at home because she points out that Angelea is lacking in the confidence necessary to be an All-Star.

Now, being a normal person of sound (ish) mind and a basic grasp on reality, this doesn’t seem like too big of an offense to me.  That time in high school when this wannabe girl told all my friends that I hated them and faked a note from me to her saying as such?  That was a much bigger offense.  It was straight up Mean Girls in 1999 for like two weeks.  I digress.

mean girls

Angelea clearly takes this criticism to heart and ends up fighting with the other four because “Don’t nobody know her story,” and “we don’t know nothing about her.” While valid points,  I’m confused for a couple of reasons.  First, it seems like the other four are basically saying how much they like her and how great she is but Angelea takes it as an attack.  The hell?  Second, WHY CAN NO ONE STRING A SENTENCE TOGETHER ON THIS SHOW?  LISTEN TO YOURSELVES.  GO BACK TO SCHOOL.  READ A FUCKING BOOK.  READ A NEWSPAPER.  READ A MAGAZINE.  AT THE VERY LEAST, READ A CEREAL BOX.  God damn it.

phonics

So Angelea is off crying now and Miss J comes over.  He lets her vent for a few minutes but frankly, I’m not listening because I’m terrified Little Miss J is about to pay me an unannounced visit.

miss j legs 1miss j legs 2miss j legs 3

Angelea finally comes back inside but the drama has subsided.  In the end, Allison is voted as the weakest of the bunch and Laura is selected as the one with most potential as an All-Star.  Is Most Potential code for Most Illiterate?  Because Laura just told me she’s the “Most Toughest” of the bunch.  Commence head banging against wall now.

laura smart

The prize turns out to be something everyone gets to participate in, where Greece’s famous socialite Twihard will take them out on a boat for the day and out partying at night, Real Housewives of Crete style.  Twihard is emaciated and has meth hair so I’m going to venture she’s on the wrong side of 40 and lacking in nose cartilage.

twihard hair

So after a day of swimming, the girls and Twihard the Drunk go out to a club.  Twihard wants everyone to drink shots, which I can relate because I’m totally that girl at the bar after a screwdriver or two who feels the need to saturate everyone with tequila.  That being said, it may be time for Twihard to pack it in because it’s not a good look for anyone past 25.  But who cares about Twihard the Drunk when the real problem is that no one brought blotting papers and I want to fry an egg on Laura’s face.

laura shiny

Another Tyra Mail rolls in but this time it’s only a picture.  The girls deduce, in the loosest sense of the word, that they’ll be doing a beauty shot as grecian statues or painted gold.  Wrong and wrong.  Today, Jay explains they will be using fashion accessories to recreate Olympic sports.  Uncle Pervy will be photographing today so the pressure is on since he’s a panel judge as well.

Dominique’s up first with the javelin, followed by Allison using a purse as a discus, Haggis tackles the hurdles, Laura gets the bow and arrow, and lastly Angelea with the put shot as she calls it because Angelea lives in a cave of ignorance and has never heard of the shot put before.    Uncle Pervy gives quick tutoring sessions to each girl prior to the shoot, making me wonder how much quality time Uncle Pervy spent with Bruce Jenner prior to this episode.  In fact, how is Bruce Jenner not on this show as a guest judge?  I refuse to believe this was not discussed in the world of reality fame whoredom.  Speaking of Uncle Pervy and Bruce Jenner,  there is a sandwich I want no part of unless it’s 1970′s Bruce Jenner.

nigel sandwich

Here’s some candids from the shoot:

America's Next Top Model

America's Next Top Model

America's Next Top Model

Nothing exciting happens at the shoot (shocking, I know) so let’s get on to panel.

1.  Allison:  Even if Allison doesn’t win, she can be Game’s babymama.  Besides, she already got to be sort of famous via Creepy Chan and I think life’s got more to offer her besides this show.

allison final

2.  Lisa: As much as it pains me to admit, Haggis has the best “personality” for what this cycle seems to be looking for.  She talks without sounding too idiotic and has had enough “fame” to not fall to pieces while doing red carpet stuff for whatever tabloid show she’s contracted to.

lisa final

3.  Dominique.  I like Dominique’s big J Lo 2002 Oscar’s hair.  She doesn’t have it in this picture but I didn’t get a chance to mention it earlier.

dominique final

4. Angelea.  Shot Put.  Shot Put.  Shot Put.  Shot Put.  Sound it out, girl.

angelea final

5.  Laura.  I’m over it but a nice picture, yes.

laura final

Laura ends up winning best photo.  Why is Laura winning stuff?  She so blatantly does not belong here.  Have you HEARD her talk lately?  Good luck interviewing The Gos on a red carpet as a “celebrity” host.  Gos would look her with his head tilted all hot and contemplating and then pet her like a puppy and move on to the next quasi journalist before girl could get another word out.

Angelea and Dominique end up in the bottom 2 and Dominique is eventually sent home.  It looks like next week is a highlights show so if I don’t catch you all until then, have a great Thanksgiving and don’t forget to ask for extra gravy on your mashed potatoes!!

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P-Baby Walker is a Pez-collecting, Archie Comic reading, Elvis loving, self-appointed movie sensei.  Lack of sunlight, fresh air and a bloodstream composed of Diet Pepsi causes her moods to air on the side of salty, resulting in endless disgruntled opinions for the world to enjoy.  Due to overall lack of motivation to do anything else, P-Baby has recently started writing more of her musings on pop culture at Mrs. Catalano Presents...  When she's not in the midst of her ongoing epic battle between love and hate for Nicolas Cage, she spends an abnormal amount of time watching B movies on Netflix.  She hopes to meet John Waters one day and thank him for his contributions to the film industry.

28 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 12:49 am

    Laura’s not as dumb as she pretends to be. Isn’t she the only one of this crew who has an actual modeling career?

    What’s that Miss J clown going to do in 10 years? He’s already aging pretty gracelessly. But seriously, this guy needs to figure his shit out. I’m imagining him at age 50 — in my mind, he’s like George Jefferson’s mother.

    As for the English problem. Ever listen to one of Herman Cain’s sentences?

    On the other hand, you’ve got a sleazebag like Gingrich who has mastered the art of eloquently saying nothing of any substance.

    So if a reality show contestant has a problem with grammar, well, maybe people ought to quit whining about paying taxes so we could fund a decent educational system. Of course, people would then be too smart to want to appear on reality television. Hmm.

    Lastly, I’ve been watching Hung — Analeigh’s great. No wonder she didn’t bother with this show.

  2. 2
    TexFan
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 9:08 am

    I don’t doubt that Laura’s a really sweet girl, so I’ll bust out one of my favorite passive aggressive Southern sayings. Laura is a fucking moron, bless her heart. See, it’s not mean

    LOL! Living in the south I hear this a lot.

  3. 3
    Mila
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 9:26 am

    Laura is a fucking moron, bless her heart.

    love it.

  4. 4
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 9:27 am

    @Itchy, Bianca, Bre and Shannon all have real modeling careers and Bianca’s the one who’s probably worked more than any of the others, because, sadly, she’s right and being 6′ and 120 pounds and photographing like a dream means hella more than being “loveable” or “pure” or “persistent.”

    Laura falls into that category of reality show contestants that irrationally make me twitch. I’m sure she’s as sweet as the show wants me to believe, but the whole “queen for a day” aspect of the portrayal, and the inherent condescension of it just annoys me. I liked weirdo Nicole better than her in their season, and I like all the others left, even Dominique, better than her this time around.

  5. 5
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    Actually, Lisa is one of the more successful models of this group. And according to her post-episode videos, Laura is actually very intelligent but is getting the “stupid girl” edit.

    I haven’t read the recap yet, thought this was comments from the old one! Comments on the recap later. :)

  6. 6
    Liz
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    I have to say I never thought Nigel was pervy before, but holy cow he’s pervy this season. Especially that weird exchange he had with Lisa and the way he was looking at Dominique in this episode. Ew. Wtf.

    I thought Angelea’s photo was awful. I can’t believe Andre liked it.

  7. 7
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    If either Lisa or Angelea wins, I will fly to Los Angeles and slap Tyra. Repeatedly. Like, Alexis Carrington slap.

  8. 8
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Will you wear a glittery turban and shoulder pads? I think that’s where Alexis stored her superbitch powers.

  9. 9
    hutchlover
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    Gasmi, you forgot to mention Angelea’s total lapse of mind for 1) forgetting how to model or how to stand before a camera; and 2) “forgetting” how to model so Uncle Pervy can physically move her & touch her.

    This was one of the most GodAwful episodes ever.

    If Tyra crowns Angelea has her “redemptive” winner, then I’ll join Hynotoad and slap Tyra like Linda Evans. Instead of pushing each other into the pool, we can shove Tyra into an EMPTY one.

  10. 10
    Tadow
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    Glad you’re back Pbaby!Several years ago wasn’t there news about Pro-Activ doing bad things to Black skin? Anywho, back to the recap!

  11. 11
    erin
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    Wait, I only got as far as “I cried when a man who covered up and fostered the rape of CHILDREN was fired.”

    What the hell is wrong with you?!

  12. 12
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    lol, I don’t think Proactiv does anything bad to black skin. And even if it did, Angelea might as well give it a shot. How much worse could it get?

    Also, I think the site ate my first comment.

  13. 13
    P-Baby Walker
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    @ Tadow: I don’t remember hearing that! You’ve piqued my interest! A quick Wikipedia (knower of all things) says that Alicia Keys, Vanessa L. Williams (Colors of the Wind Vanessa Williams) and Puffy P Diddy Daddy Doodle were all spokespeople for ProActiv. I think maybe it’s just person/skin dependent. For example, Neutrogena’s Pink Grapefruit face wash made my face break out like it was going out of style but was voted a Best of Beauty Product by Allure Magazine. So, in conclusion, thanks for reading and I spend too much time Googling!!

    PS. For all those that say Laura is secretly smart, then I must be secretly a diabolical genius. Which I am. So maybe she is.

    Love you guys!

    P-Baby

  14. 14
    P-Baby Walker
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    I specified which Vanessa Williams because Vanessa Melrose Place/Candyman Williams happens to star in two of the most awesome things ever to come from the early 90s and I didn’t want you all to be confused!

  15. 15
    Val
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    It was the 1st ep I watched this seaon and I noticed some bad vibe between Nigel and Andre..did anibody else notice it?

  16. 16
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    I’ve always been of the opinion that Nigel is pretty uncomfortable around those with “large” personalities. (And even though I didn’t set out to make an intentional pun regarding Andre’s size, I’m gonna go ahead and run with it.)

  17. 17
    pot ledom
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    Am I the only one who always thought of Angelea as Hispanic and not black?

    The best part of the episode was when Andre called out Nigel for making excuses for Dominque’s picture saying it was the “1st time he ever heard a photographer make an excuse for a model.” Ha,Ha.
    Awesome. But only because I think Nigel is really a mediocre photographer.

  18. 18
    JR
    Posted November 19, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    FYI Angelea is Italian and Puerto Rican, not black.

  19. 19
    loopygorilla
    Posted November 21, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Put shot is now my new word. Next time i see the sport on TV, ill yell out PUT SHOT!

  20. 20
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted November 21, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    Oh my dear, sweet lord. Has anyone read the synopsis of Tyra’s young adult “book?” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modelland

    Words . . . fail . . .

    P-Baby — you wanna book-gasm that sumbitch? Because I bet it’s AWESOME.

  21. 21
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted November 21, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    Tookie De La Creme! You can’t make this crap up. Only Tyra can.

  22. 22
    BlazerGirl
    Posted November 21, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    Tyra is crazy, that can be the only answer. Who thinks “Tookie de la Creme, now that’s the perfect name for the lead character in my book!” The women is nuts.

  23. 23
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted November 21, 2011 at 10:51 pm

    I really want to read it now. I bet it’s like Hogwarts. Only instead of potions class, they have catwalks. And instead of food, they have Kleenexes.

  24. 24
    blazergirl
    Posted November 22, 2011 at 11:33 am

    I’m just trying to recover from the blasphemy of you comparing it to Harry Potter. We can only hope this does not become a seven book series.

  25. 25
    labowner
    Posted November 22, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Why are we waiting? We should be bitch slapping Tyra for allowing that homeless, ghetto train wreck to make it this far. She is god awful, has zero composure and ugly to boot.

    Enjoy your turkey everyone. P-baby glad your back. Thanks for the recap.

  26. 26
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted November 22, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    Blazergirl — It’s a trilogy. MWAHAHAHA!

  27. 27
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted November 22, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Modelland? Really? She should be embarrassed to put her name on that drivel. It just sounds ridiculous. Sigh. Please don’t waste your time or brain cells P-Baby. I wish I had mine back and I just read the plot summary.

  28. 28
    BlazerGirl
    Posted November 24, 2011 at 10:22 am

    A trilogy? Sweet Jesus! Do you think everyone in Tyra’s camp is just too afraid to tell her how horrible her ideas are? On the flip side, I dared a friend to read it, not actually thinking she would subject herself to such pain, but she just informed me she is picking it up from the library tomorrow. So I’ll get the scoop without wasting my brain cells reading it.

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