Happy Halloween Gasmii! P-Baby reporting for duty amidst a slushy late October snow storm. I always love this time of year but I loved it even more this week when I scored a humongous container of Pumpkin Spice Coffee Creamer at my grocery store that had been sold out the week before. Ahhhh, small victories.
Let’s get to the recap since I know everyone has slutty costume parties to attend, little goblins to take trick or treating, and copious amounts of candy to eat while watching The Blair Witch Project for the 937th time (That last one might just be me this year. I went to a slutty costume party last year. Turns out it was a “Halloween” party and not a “costume” party resulting in me being the only strumpet dressed up like a drunken flapper whose dress was riding up her ass crack. Honestly, who throws a party over Halloween weekend and DOESN’T have guests attend in costume?)
So right after the elimination of Bre last week, everyone is bummed out on the bus. Apparently, Bre was well-liked by most despite siding with the house villain and working double duty as Bianca’s personal Legend of Zelda shield, ricocheting off Haggis Face Lisa’s personal attacks. That just made me super nostalgic for Nintendo. Zelda was seriously such a hard game. I could spank those Mario Brother koopas until their ass-cheeks were the color of Mario’s overalls but I could never get that stupid elf boy Link to rescue that goddamn needy Princess.
Since The Banks hasn’t figured out that the viewers might not want to know who’s leaving within the first five minutes of the show, it’s usually pretty easy to tell who will be in the bottom two at panel based off of whoever yaps at the camera before opening credits. This time, I can’t get a solid read as Alexandria, Never Nude, and Bianca have all been blabbing away before the opening credits. There’s even a “fight” between Alexandria and Bianca over who is going to take the next shower culminating in Bianca telling Alexandria to call her when she becomes an All-Star. Bianca is like that acquaintance at work who is a co-worker by title, trade, and paygrade but instead of totally becoming your girl and cubicle confidante, she thinks she is your superior AND supervisor due to being employed for like 7 weeks (or in Bianca’s case 7 cycles) longer. Those windbags suck.
Tyra Mail: If it doesn’t make dollars, it doesn’t make sense (cents?) Does Never Nude’s voice annoy anyone else out there? Why does she always sound like she spent the previous night screaming her head off at an Amy Grant concert? I don’t understand it and I’d like for her to not speak anymore. Not just because of the scratchy voice thing but because her wholesome fully-clothed Virgin Mary act is getting on my last damn nerve. Get another profession you high-strung loser. I don’t feel comfortable distributing drugs on playgrounds or cooking man-made chemicals in my kitchen but do you see me running a meth lab? I think not.
I don’t understand what’s going on next here but Kayla and Bianca are primping for the day and are asking each other what their strengths and weaknesses are. It’s kind of weird but honestly, I’m not paying too much attention to the exchange because Bianca damn head is on fire …
…and Kayla is one dark lipliner away from joining the girl gang smoking by the bleachers circa 1996 with that lip color.
The girls arrive at the Roosevelt Hotel to meet that perverted British dude who works for Tyra and he tells them that today, they will be creating their own personal fragrances a la Elizabeth Taylor, Mariah Carey, Sarah Jessica Parker, Britney Spears et al. My college roommate junior year wore Curious by Brit Brit. Yes, I made fun of her behind her back. No, I don’t feel bad for doing it. Some things were meant to be made fun of and one of those things is my college roommate who wore Britney Spears Curious. I expected it to smell like a gas station mixed with Starbucks frappuccinos but instead it just smelled like Pez and Gummi Bears.
Not that I’m judging what the actual perfume smelled like because lord knows if I had my own perfume, it would smell like mashed potatoes and gravy.
Everyone’s psyched because having a fragrance line is the pinnacle of fame and success in their tiny, tiny world. Ben Bennett of Hatch Beauty will be helping create these concoctions today and off they go. Gasmii, I won’t lie to you. the next five minutes are really, really boring. Why? BECAUSE I CAN’T SMELL THINGS THROUGH MY TV. It’s not entertaining to watch idiots sniff vials of stuff that I can’t smell, nor do I get to smell the finished product.
Haggis decides to name her fragrance Neon because she is demure and sophisticated, a modern day Jackie O. Or not. Haggis wants her fragrance to be beachy, bright, and California. I get the feeling that Haggis loathes Katy Perry with the fire of 1000 suns. Laura’s fragrance is Love, Angelea goes with naming it Angelea, Bianca picks Candid, Dominique’s is Survivor, which, what is going on with this Survivor thing? Wikipedia doesn’t offer any information and if she’s not careful, Livestrong is going to be all over her ass. Never Nude picks Smitten, describing it as pure and angelic and al;skfj203oiqwuro wqrcxv,n.zxcv r9ikjakl;fajsdfa;wroijn afkjlfa
Sorry, Gasmii. That was the product of my head banging against the keyboard.
Allison decides to incorporate her pasttime into the fragrance name is picks Honey Blood. While original, I can’t help but frown upon the use of the word blood in the title of something I’d conceivably be spraying myself with everyday. Bonus point for thinking outside the box, I guess. Alexandria picks Diamondatrix which sounds like nothing I will ever use to make myself smell good, ever. Kayla decides to pick Free as her fragrance name and sleeping on the floor and she didn’t have a bed and lesbian and OHMYGODSHUTTHEFUCKUP. Seriously. I have a queen-sized air mattress with pump and a Walmart Bed in Bag set that I am willing to part with if this wench never talks about her sleeping arrangements again.
At the conclusion of the scent creating, Nigel strolls in to announce the second part of the challenge which will be a fragrance launch tonight to the public and to fans. Each girl will have their own station consisting of a bathtub filled with water and rose petals and their fragrance to pitch to the crowd, who will be rating the scent AND the salesmanship. I don’t understand why a bathtub needs to be there but the expectation is that the girls will be in the tub. I’ve learned to stop making sense of challenge and photo shoot concepts or else my caffeine laced head would explode. The winner of the challenge will win immunity at judging.
Bianca decides at this point she needs to take a stand because TYRA would never pose in a bathtub, BEYONCE would never pose in a bathtub. Bitch, please. Those women are where they are today BECAUSE they would do just that. There’s a huge difference between posing nude for a magazine when a career is in the shitter versus posing, while clothed, in a concept pitch for a fragrance line. Also, though I feel no need to emphasize this further, there’s a huge difference between Beyonce and Bianca. Bianca wants to conduct herself as a lady, which, I guess she needs to start somewhere but picking the challenge offering immunity is probably not going to be my first choice to not do what is asked of me.
Haggis offers a moment of clarity to Bianca, smartly saying that models have to do their time and if it’s not them, someone else would be there. I credit this fleeting moment of normalcy to the centipede that is eating her eyeball.
That night, the girls arrive and are “mobbed” by “fans” wanting autographs. What the hell would you ever do with an autograph from one of these people besides use it as a scratch piece of paper to write down your dentist appointment? Eva Pigford/Marcille is there interviewing the girls wearing a hair color and lipstick combo that shall never my palate touch.
Everyone mans their stations and gamely poses from the bathtub except Bianca who pouts and tries to justify herself but it really doesn’t work when 8 other girls are doing exactly what they are supposed to do. I feel as though this doesn’t bode well for Bianca. THE BANKS WILL NOT BE DISOBEYED.
So Haggis ends up winning the challenge and immunity which is not totally surprising because girlfriend works the crowd. In a prize not previously announced for this cycle, the winner of the cycle will be face of a completely fucking horrible idea. Apparently there is an ANTM Fragrance launching sometime in the near future. I guess that one is going to smell like hair dye, extension glue and desperation.
TyraMail: The reality is, sometimes you just go along for the ride. The girls are greeted by Jay at the photoshoot. The concept is as such: Nighttime, gyrating on the back of a Son of Anarchy, riding all over Hollywood while emulating either Jersey Shore Snooki or Atlanta Real Housewife Nene Leakes. What in all bloody hell is going on on this episode, Gasmii? Nene freaking Leakes? This is ridiculous. If we scrape the bottom of the barrel any harder, we’ll dig our way to fucking China.
Since nothing about this episode makes sense, let’s ogle the cute photographer today, Mike Rosenthal:
The shoot is boring, but I wasn’t expecting anything else, though the hooligans shouting from the streets were mildly amusing. Bianca started a minor bit of drama behind the scenes due to requesting a jar of pickles to pose with as Snooki. Both Never Nude and Allison want pickles from the HUMONGOUS jar but Bianca refuses to share.
I’m pretty sure Allison just wants one for nourishment but Bianca’s all “You should have drank your blood vial back at the house, these be MY pickles,” and refuses. At this point I’m just wondering where the hell Kathy Griffin is and why she hasn’t been used to save itself from the trainwreck it turned into 20 minutes ago.
At panel, we FINALLY see my girl Kathy Griffin who tells us The Banks was fired and that she’ll be taking over. WHO DO WE NEED TO BRIBE WITH FAVORS IN ORDER TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN IMMEDIATELY??
1. Laura as Nene. The judges like it and find it sassy. I’m realizing that Nene’s haircut will look good on no one.
2. Angelea as Nene. Nigel says he doesn’t want her to be Nene, that he wants her to be Angelea with an essence of Nene. I’m pretty sure Nigel has been drunk the entire cycle thus far because that bald little poppet never makes sense.
3. Dominique as Snooki. Kathy wants to see a beautiful model just passed out wasted and thinks Dominique could be the girl for the job. Why is this woman not a guest judge every episode?
4. Alexandria as Nene. They call her photo genius because she’s showing attitude. She straight up looks like this group of chicks that hung out before school and would accuse people of talking about them just to start a fight and then would show off their ultrasound pictures in accounting class. So yeah. Genius.
5. Lisa as Nene. The judges ramble on and on and on about bone structure. Tyra says she went through Lisa’s old photos from Cycle 5 and selected her based off that. What Tyra SHOULD have done was turn her TV to VH1 to see what 2010 Lisa looked like.
6. Kayla as Snooki. The judges don’t like it and I think Kayla can sense the end is coming as she tries to defend her picture. Kayla, dear, it’s not worth it.
7. Allison as Snooki. Kathy rules when she says Allison looks like a Brady Bunch kid at panel which, well, she does. The judges like it and my spidey senses tell me that Allison is in for the win this cycle.
8. Bianca as Snooki. Well, Nigel rats out Bianca for the bathtub incident and as expected, The Banks tells her if that was HER assignment, she would have done it and tried to win.
9. Shannon as Snooki. The judges want Shannon to bring back her sizzle because 16 cycles have passed since she was on, which is 16 cycles of Never Nude working on development of her prude persona which in turn, loses sizzle.
Haggis gets first call out (!) but homegirl is already safe due to winning the challenge and Angelea gets runner up. The bottom three comes down to Never Nude, Sleeping Bag, and Non-Beyonce with Non-Beyonce and Sleeping Bag getting the boot.
Things I learned from this episode:
1. Beyonce doesn’t use bathtubs.
2. Rhianna doesn’t use bathtubs.
3. Kanye West doesn’t use bathtubs.
4. Courtney Love doesn’t use bathtubs.
5. Tyra Banks doesn’t use bathtubs. But would if it was her job.
See you all next week Gasmii!