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Friday, May 6, 2011
6:00 am
20 Comments
Tagged: alexandria, andre, balance, brittani, final four, goat brains, hannah, issa, jay, molly, nigel, royals, souks, tyra
Hi Gasmii! P-Baby here for the latest episode of America’s Next Top Model. What a weekend, eh? Royal Wedding, Mariah’s babies, Osama’s dead, with the Met Ball rounding everything out Monday night. I’m exhausted just thinking about it all and I’ve been basically ignoring everyone and everything around me in favor of blog gossip and pictures. Oh well. No harm no foul. Mr. P-Baby knew what he was marrying into.
I’m still obsessing about the Royal Wedding because I want to. Interestingly enough, tonight’s guest is Daniella Issa Helayel, also known as the designer suckling from the teet of Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge Who Is No Longer To Be Called Kate. (Side note: Remember when Tom Cruise insisted on calling Katie Holmes Kate when her name is clearly Katie? That was annoying.) Thanks to Princess Catherine, Issa is a household name, I guess? I mean, I’m sure this little number did nothing for Issa:
And I know this is completely unrelated but I have no other place to vent, plus I’m more interesting than this show. What the fuck is going on with magazine covers? Katy Perry fronting Vanity Fair? Cameron Diaz on the cover of Maxim? Not that Cameron Diaz is held in the same esteem as say…whoever the fuck else is better than Cameron Diaz but she sure as shit is above fronting this garbage.
I like Katy Perry enough when I read about her in Glamour or Us Weekly but when I read my Vanity Fair all I want are more stories about the Kennedy’s, pictures of parties I’ll never go to, actual A-List talent, and behind the scenes Hollywood stuff mixed with political articles I never read. I don’t want Katy Perry’s tits.
Ok this has gone on long enough. Let’s do this thing.
Everyone is still in Morocco which is good for us because it gives us some interesting eye porn in the form of big open markets, goat body parts, ancient architecture, etc. I’m not even going to pretend I’m listening to any of these idiots ramble at the camera about how each one should win over the other. Look, ladies. You are all fairly attractive physically with abysmal personalities. Chances are you’ll land a decent older guy with some cash and spend the rest of your lives comfortably and may even end up on a Housewives franchise reboot in 2030. Whether you win this contest or lose is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. In fact, I’d wager you’d live a better, easier life by not winning allowing the delusions of fame and fortune to escape your hamster wheel minds faster than the poor soul who does win.
With that said, Hannah looks pretty in her confessional. See, I can be nice. I’m getting soft.
Molly talks more about her abandonment issues due to her adoption which in turns makes her the angriest bitch I’ve seen lately on TV. So I just don’t get it because 1. Some poor souls actually decided to adopt this evil woman 2. Who gives a shit about the parent that didn’t want you? I mean yes, I get it, I’ve had friends that are adopted who have wanted to know their birth parents, etc. But what they don’t do is sit around complaining about every-fucking-thing and then blame it on being adopted. They enjoy life and appreciate what they have. Molly sucks.
In the morning, Miss J pops in with the models’ portfolios and takes them to have tea with Franca Sozanni who looks decidedly uncomfortable and disproportionately tiny compared to everyone else as she sits on her tuffet.
Franca is the editor in chief of Vogue Italia so the models are all shitting themselves in hopes of making a good impression. Guys, I CANNOT understand what this lady is saying. I am really, really, really, really bad with heavily accented English which turns talking to any members of Mama P-Baby’s extended family into a rousing game of charades. Good thing this bitch is subtitled.
Franca is actually pretty nice to the girls at this meeting but I’m pretty sure she’s doped up on Vicodin as this is opposite what we saw at panel last week. The models ask some relevant questions about how she started at Vogue, her favorite part of the industry, etc when all I’d be asking about her spawn Francesco’s little Italian butt. In between my Francesco questions, I’d eat some Moroccan cookies and get distracted by Moroccan birds or something because Franca at this point just sounds like the Charlie Brown teacher to me.
Next up after Franca, Miss J introduces the girls to some hooker named Noor who can do incredible things with the top of her head. Noor is a professional tea tray dancer and can balance a whole tea set on a tray on her head. I’m impressed. I never got the book balanced on my head thing down and Mama P-Baby smacks me in the back like 10 times a day when I visit home because I tend to slouch like Papa P-Baby.
Noor is here to teach the girls about posture and balance and grace and Brittani and Hannah drop their shit everywhere. Alexandria is supposedly the bearer of an unnaturally large, flat head so she does fairly well. Molly is still mad at everyone. After the practice, Miss J announces the girls better get their balancing acts together as they will be performing in front of a live audience that evening. BritBrit is nervous because she sucked at the task and is worried about making an ass of herself. BritBrit: that ship has motherfucking sailed.
The girls arrive for their performance and are dressed the part. Noor is tricked out too. What up, Noor?
So on top of having to balance all that tea on their head and perform in front of a bunch of people, the girls will also have some candles aflame on their tray. Good thing Molly got that shit weave removed. Bitch’s head would be gone in an INSTANT with that flammable thing still sewn on there. We can only keep our fingers crossed.
The girls are all pretty nervous but they look cute in their little tea dancing outfits so plus for them. Brittani does the best of the bunch while Molly and Alexandria both drop their stuff in the middle of the performance. And now Molly’s pissed about that.
Brittani ends up winning the challenge and her prize is runway walk lesson from Miss J. She picks Hannah to come with her which was sweet though she tells us she picked Hannah because her walk sucks the most. Miss J kind of wins me over once again because I like watching him teach the girls things, he’s an uber-bitch, and I kind of wish he and I were besties.
During some downtime, the girls hit up a souk which is an outdoor market as I already knew thanks to Sex and the City 2, the worst movie ever made in the history of making movies (Don’t worry, Chris Noth. I’d definitely still bang you.) At the souk, someone’s hungry so Hannah points to an eatery that looks really “authentic and interesting” IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING MOROCCO. How could anything NOT be authentic in this location, I beg of thee? Not to mention, the “authentic” place literally has goat brains and eyeballs flying around the booth. I hate these idiots so much sometimes.
The girls all decide to do a little ANTM Fear Factor crossover edition and eat some goat brains. I applaud their willingness to try new things but that’s really fucking gross and I’d never eat it. Ever. EVER.
Brittani does exactly what I would do and spits the brain out immediately. She also gets some sort of stomach bug out of the whole ordeal which sucks but holy hell, what did you think would happen? She didn’t even wash her hands before eating that thing. And don’t even get me started on where this guy’s hands have been.
Tyra Mail! Ah, the sweet smell of Soukces. These bimbos manage to figure out they’ll be going to a souk. Yes, I know, the answer is spelled out within the Tyra Mail, but don’t forget who we’re working with.
The next day, the girls meet Jay at the Medina which is the largest souk in Morocco. I want to go there immediately. The girls photo shoot will be taking place down in the market and they’ll be wearing clothing from Issa London as I mentioned earlier. The photographer is some dude I’ve never heard of Friedemann Hauss. I don’t know who he is but I want to pinch his cheeks and put him in my pocket.
The girls get styled and made up as usual and the Issa clothing looks fabulous. I’m totally drinking the Princess Catherine kool aid and I’m not afraid to admit it. In case you were wondering, once again nothing interesting happens on this shoot except Hannah looks like a renegade Indian Princess Leia and her whole shoot kind of sucks.
So instead of talking about the boring, let’s look at the pretty!
Panel time! Guys, I thought this Issa lady was younger for some reason. I don’t know why. She’s not old or anything, but I was imaging something…less soccer mommish. She’s cute though and quick to praise the models even when the rest of panel is not.
1. Alexandria. Alexandria, I think, looks great in the picture, but the panel doesn’t agree. The hat she has on reminds me of one of my favorite Three Stooges episodes ever, Malice in the Palace. Yeah, it had Shemp, but these things can’t be helped.
2. Brittani. The judges like her picture but point out she’s missing an arm. Is it weird I never would even noticed that?
3. Hannah. Hannah’s picture is not good. Well her body’s good, dress is good, but the face is bad. Very bad.
4. Molly. Molly’s picture is pretty great and it’s safe to say I want that outfit though on me, it’d look like pajamas.
Well Gasmii, Molly wins again. She’s getting pretty cocky with the first picture judgments so let’s wait and see what happens next week with her. In other news, Alexandria gets cast off and I totes thought it was going to be Hannah. I actually looked up from playing online Bingo to see what was happening. I never thought Alexandria would win but I’d thought she’d make final three, especially after Hannah’s poor showing this week. Oh well. See you guys next week!
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20 Comments
Didn’t Vanity Fair already feature Jessica Simpson and LiLo on the cover? They clearly no longer have any standards, so to me, Katy Perry is a step up from those fiascos. Plus, please note: There’s an article on Charlie Sheen in the magazine. It could have been worse.
And this was another week where it looked like they styled Hannah to sabotage her because she’s the only one who got stupid hair, but then they canned Alexandria, proving (in my mind) that she’s more of a PITA than we even knew. Meanwhile, I refuse to believe TyTy picked Brittani’s best photo because from what we saw of the shoot she gave them the most options, even with that half smile on her face. Molly’s was great and she had a good shoot, too, but Brittani just seemed to give them more to work with. They’re likely the final two and I don’t really like either, but at the very least the editors should make the machinations seem less obvious.
I’m actually surprised that Alexandria went home. It was Hannah’s turn.
And yes, wasn’t SATC 2 the worst movie ever? What the hell were they thinking making that piece of crap??
I think Kate is the Dutchess of York. It’s Camilla thats the Dutchess of Cambride….?? I think anyway
I swear I’m the only female that could have cared less about the wedding. Simply because they have no bearings on what goes on in my country, really did they make a big tado over China or India. I have no idea who I want to win at this point,this season(and the last several) has been the same old some old.
Kate is the Dutchess of Cambridge. Camilla is the Dutchess of Cornwall. William and Kate’s last name will now be Cambridge, if needed. However William will continue to use the last name of Wales (after Prince Charles of Wales) during his military service.
marijal–summed up very nicely. Will they really call her Catherine now . . . me no thinkey!
color me also surprised to see Alex take the walk of shame, not that it’s not right, but Hanna doesn’t have a chance against Moll and Britt, unless the covergirl X factor plays out hard on the bitch in Molly. I mean seriously . . . she really needs to visit a few homeless shelters, or check out the wards with crack babies abandoned. We should all be so lucky as to be chosen by someone and not just thrust upon them in a moment of passion (yes, I know this is not all of us or always the case. I”m surely an accident, and believe me, my parents were done with raisin’ kids, my sister raised me and my mistake bro’s–for better or worse, I say . . . . )
Britt kicked some butt in the meeting w Franca, very charming and cute story about her pack ratting vogue. It so makes sense she’s from a trailer park, but damn does she look great in pics. I don’t think she’s had one bad shot all season, and perhaps Molly too. I really think those two are the most pro models, posing, walking and picture wise, they’ve ever had. Should be an interesting finale, but I still say Britt will take it. That bad attitude of Molly’s has to catch up sometime.
I appreciated Hanna almost fainting there. cute.
Thanks P-baby . . . and yea, this world in which we live. JUst found out my niece and nephew have installed those things to stretch your lobes to tribal proportions . . . ugh! . . . fashion I guess.
Hanna should have gone on home…not only was her picture not so good, but she had the most to work with. She also had the most interactive sets.
Alexandra had to twirl her ass around in nothingness, Molly got a chariot, and Brittany got stairs and a wall. Unless there were editing shenanigans, there was no excuse for Hanna not working it out. Plus she’s boring as hell and I can’t stand her pigtails.
And I’m calling Brittany as the winner. The judges like Molly more as a model, I think, but with her getting the cocky edit and much ado being made about her anger issues, I feel like she’s heading for a big fall from grace.
Actually, Kate and William’s last name won’t be Cambridge. It is Mountbatten-Windsor. The only reason that William and Harry go by Wales in the military (and at university, in William’s case) is because it’s less obviously royal than Windsor. Gives them a sort of a chance to not be royal, for once.
And actually, Kate is not, even unofficially, Princess Catherine, even though her husband is a Prince. Her full title is Her Royal Highness Princess William Arthur Philip Louis, Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, Baroness Carrickfergus. This because, obviously, the Queen bestowed a dukedom upon William at his time of marriage. (Just like Princess Michael of Kent.) If Prince Harry becomes Prince of York, say, upon his marriage, then his wife will be called the Princess of York, but otherwise, she will officially be Princess Harry. It’s a very weird and complicated world.
I figured Hannah would make top 3, I think people underestimated her. But I still think, like most, that the top 2 will be Brittani and Molly. I hope Brittani wins, apart from getting frustrated sometimes, I don’t think she has a horrid personality. I liked Molly at the beginning, but she’s so negative.
I should say the official last name will be Mountbatten-Windsor, anyway, it’s possible that they will use Cambridge, much like Beatrice and Eugenie use York. But they won’t need last names anymore anyway…
I think it came out kind of bitchy, but I didn’t mean it that way. I just love the royals and I admittedly, like a dork, research everything about them that I can get my hands on.
georgiababe – that was not at all bitchy, but more like an excellent cliff notes version of the royals. So, thank you. Now, here is a questions for you – why isn’t the queen’s husband a king? Yet, Catherine might become queen??
Re Queen’s husband not being a King – as far as I know, it’s because a King would be a higher position than a Queen. And as he would not be the “anointed ruler”, it wouldn’t be fitting for him to have a higher title and ‘outrank’ her.
It’s because a king has more power than a queen. Which isn’t important now, but back in the day, it was.
Example: Elizabeth I’s father and siblings die, she becomes queen. Say she marries the Prince of Greece or something. Then he becomes the King of England, thereby becoming more powerful than the heir to the throne. The Church of England, the government and the royals didn’t want that, they wanted the real power to stay with the heir, so they made it that a Queen’s consort will always only be a Prince, not a King. But if it’s a male heir, his wife can become Queen because her status is lower than a King, so there wasn’t any chance of the throne being taken over. So Kate will eventually become Queen Catherine and when William dies, if he dies first, she will become the Queen Mother.
Additionally, when the heir dies, their spouse will not come to power either. The power will pass to (ideally) the eldest child, or, if there are no children, the next sibling. And I believe that a son trumps a daughter’s right to inherit the throne, even if she’s older. If Charles had died without having children, then Prince Andrew would inherit the throne, not Princess Anne, even though she is older. I know that the Church of England have changed some traditions (ie royals may now re-marry if their ex-spouses are still living and they do not have to abdicate if they marry someone with living ex-spouses, which is why Charles could marry Camilla and still inherit the throne) but I don’t think that’s one of them.
Which is also why the royals have always had so many children. They have married other royals in the past, so they’re all basically related anyway, but they prefer to keep the power in the direct bloodline to ensure that an English person becomes King or Queen.
I did very well in European history in high school…
(PS Sorry for hijacking the thread, but I am also still obsessing a bit over the royal wedding.)
P-Baby, I HAD to comment because I saw your Tom Cruise bit on the front page. So true, so true! Annoying and super-duper creepy with a capital CREEP. Tom should have just been pumped that people actually knew her name at all, and had stopped referring her as Joey from Dawsons.
And if you ever write a blog about magazine covers, let me know please! Again, so true, so true. Katy Perry, in that picture and every other one, makes me want to barf. I’m so bothered by her, I can barely explain it. Anyway, your musings were pretty rad!
Just a comment about the whole queen/king spouse thing… Technically, the wife of a king is not a queen. They are a queen-consort. A queen who is a ruler in her own right is a queen-regnant.
Tell me more, tell me more
Did you get very far?
Tell me more, tell me more
Like does he have a car?
Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh
Seriously though, talk more about this, I am feeling like a mega nerd spending my Sat night home reading about the Royal Family, but I swear! I have work tomorrow! Tomorrow is my Tuesday (…damn retail) I’m totally cool!
SATC 2 was a steaming pile of turd coated in a blanket of . . . more turd, I guess. It was turd-y. Turdesque. Turdful, I guess is what I’m saying. It’s like Stephenie Meyer and an SATC fanfic writer saw one episode and decided to write the screenplay for the film. In one hour. It took everything that was even remotely good about the series (and first film — which wasn’t too bad) and dropped a big steaming deuce on it. Michael Patrick King is a horrible, horrible man. “Lawrence of my labia” is probably THE single worst line in a movie since the invention of celluloid.
On to ANTM. I was shocked that Alexandria went home, but I was very glad that she did. I don’t know if it’s her intent or if she can even control it, but she comes across as fake and insincere 100% of the time. Even in the confessional. It’s the way she smiles and talks . . . it’s just really off-putting.
But not as off-putting as Molly’s dreckitude of an attitude. She took a good photo this week, but I don’t think she’s been that great throughout the competition. Then again, I don’t think of this cycle’s models have been great. This is a really week season, modeling-talent wise. But Molly’s such a wretched, ungrateful, sourpuss. I honestly think it has nothing to do with being adopted or “abandonment” issues — she just uses that as an excuse so she doesn’t have to say, “I don’t know why I’m such a bitch all the time, I just am.”
I wanted Kasia to win, but I’m predicting Brittani will take it. I like Hannah, but she seems to have a hard time expressing herself in a way that makes sense to other human beings, poor kid. I just don’t want Molly to win because of her horrible attitude.
But again, since this cycle has had some of the weakest models I’ve seen, first place won’t really be that much of a victory. And since the girl who deserves to win NEVER does, Molly’s a shoo-in.
Damn — “I don’t think *any* of this cycle’s models have been great.” I meant. And: “This is a really *WEAK* season.” What the crap? I’m kind of ashamed of that one.
Don’t worry, Hypno–I think there’s some forgiveness here for typos–I always re-read before I post and I miss stuff all the time.
Season wise, I dunno . .. I think I’m just really used to the drill, and find it hard to judge, but my fave part of the show is the photo reveals, and I stand by my assertion that Britt and Molly have taken back to back awesome photos . . . a stronger collection than I’ve possibly ever seen. McKey or whatev her name was, I think she had some great pics, but not all . . . Bloody Eye was also very good. Ann of the lanky limbs . . . . they kept selling us best photo, but I was not always in agreement. I didn’t see the Janis parts of this show, not even in rerun . . . I have yet to see a panel with her on it, so perhaps someone kicked butt on those seasons, but I don’t remember. I think of a winner like Syesha, and her fairly weak photos week to week.
I do soo agree on Molly’s stank attitude. I have to admit, I find myself complaining all the time, but if I can’t make it seem funny, I try to shut it. I still think I would find things about the travel and hotel rooms and celebrity photographers that would make me beam, despite the hardships or lack of sleep. She could be just young. God forbid I was on film at 19–ugh!!!! Anyway, I can always replace Andy Rooney when he retires . . . sigh . . .
I really don’t Molly to win, she’s a real sourpuss, so horrid and nasty. Hannah reminds me of former contestant Analeigh.