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Hi Gasmii! P-Baby here for the latest episode of America’s Next Top Model. What a weekend, eh? Royal Wedding, Mariah’s babies, Osama’s dead, with the Met Ball rounding everything out Monday night. I’m exhausted just thinking about it all and I’ve been basically ignoring everyone and everything around me in favor of blog gossip and pictures. Oh well. No harm no foul. Mr. P-Baby knew what he was marrying into.
I’m still obsessing about the Royal Wedding because I want to. Interestingly enough, tonight’s guest is Daniella Issa Helayel, also known as the designer suckling from the teet of Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge Who Is No Longer To Be Called Kate. (Side note: Remember when Tom Cruise insisted on calling Katie Holmes Kate when her name is clearly Katie? That was annoying.) Thanks to Princess Catherine, Issa is a household name, I guess? I mean, I’m sure this little number did nothing for Issa:
And I know this is completely unrelated but I have no other place to vent, plus I’m more interesting than this show. What the fuck is going on with magazine covers? Katy Perry fronting Vanity Fair? Cameron Diaz on the cover of Maxim? Not that Cameron Diaz is held in the same esteem as say…whoever the fuck else is better than Cameron Diaz but she sure as shit is above fronting this garbage.
I like Katy Perry enough when I read about her in Glamour or Us Weekly but when I read my Vanity Fair all I want are more stories about the Kennedy’s, pictures of parties I’ll never go to, actual A-List talent, and behind the scenes Hollywood stuff mixed with political articles I never read. I don’t want Katy Perry’s tits.
Ok this has gone on long enough. Let’s do this thing.
Everyone is still in Morocco which is good for us because it gives us some interesting eye porn in the form of big open markets, goat body parts, ancient architecture, etc. I’m not even going to pretend I’m listening to any of these idiots ramble at the camera about how each one should win over the other. Look, ladies. You are all fairly attractive physically with abysmal personalities. Chances are you’ll land a decent older guy with some cash and spend the rest of your lives comfortably and may even end up on a Housewives franchise reboot in 2030. Whether you win this contest or lose is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. In fact, I’d wager you’d live a better, easier life by not winning allowing the delusions of fame and fortune to escape your hamster wheel minds faster than the poor soul who does win.
With that said, Hannah looks pretty in her confessional. See, I can be nice. I’m getting soft.
Molly talks more about her abandonment issues due to her adoption which in turns makes her the angriest bitch I’ve seen lately on TV. So I just don’t get it because 1. Some poor souls actually decided to adopt this evil woman 2. Who gives a shit about the parent that didn’t want you? I mean yes, I get it, I’ve had friends that are adopted who have wanted to know their birth parents, etc. But what they don’t do is sit around complaining about every-fucking-thing and then blame it on being adopted. They enjoy life and appreciate what they have. Molly sucks.
In the morning, Miss J pops in with the models’ portfolios and takes them to have tea with Franca Sozanni who looks decidedly uncomfortable and disproportionately tiny compared to everyone else as she sits on her tuffet.
Franca is the editor in chief of Vogue Italia so the models are all shitting themselves in hopes of making a good impression. Guys, I CANNOT understand what this lady is saying. I am really, really, really, really bad with heavily accented English which turns talking to any members of Mama P-Baby’s extended family into a rousing game of charades. Good thing this bitch is subtitled.
Franca is actually pretty nice to the girls at this meeting but I’m pretty sure she’s doped up on Vicodin as this is opposite what we saw at panel last week. The models ask some relevant questions about how she started at Vogue, her favorite part of the industry, etc when all I’d be asking about her spawn Francesco’s little Italian butt. In between my Francesco questions, I’d eat some Moroccan cookies and get distracted by Moroccan birds or something because Franca at this point just sounds like the Charlie Brown teacher to me.
Next up after Franca, Miss J introduces the girls to some hooker named Noor who can do incredible things with the top of her head. Noor is a professional tea tray dancer and can balance a whole tea set on a tray on her head. I’m impressed. I never got the book balanced on my head thing down and Mama P-Baby smacks me in the back like 10 times a day when I visit home because I tend to slouch like Papa P-Baby.
Noor is here to teach the girls about posture and balance and grace and Brittani and Hannah drop their shit everywhere. Alexandria is supposedly the bearer of an unnaturally large, flat head so she does fairly well. Molly is still mad at everyone. After the practice, Miss J announces the girls better get their balancing acts together as they will be performing in front of a live audience that evening. BritBrit is nervous because she sucked at the task and is worried about making an ass of herself. BritBrit: that ship has motherfucking sailed.
The girls arrive for their performance and are dressed the part. Noor is tricked out too. What up, Noor?
So on top of having to balance all that tea on their head and perform in front of a bunch of people, the girls will also have some candles aflame on their tray. Good thing Molly got that shit weave removed. Bitch’s head would be gone in an INSTANT with that flammable thing still sewn on there. We can only keep our fingers crossed.
The girls are all pretty nervous but they look cute in their little tea dancing outfits so plus for them. Brittani does the best of the bunch while Molly and Alexandria both drop their stuff in the middle of the performance. And now Molly’s pissed about that.
Brittani ends up winning the challenge and her prize is runway walk lesson from Miss J. She picks Hannah to come with her which was sweet though she tells us she picked Hannah because her walk sucks the most. Miss J kind of wins me over once again because I like watching him teach the girls things, he’s an uber-bitch, and I kind of wish he and I were besties.
During some downtime, the girls hit up a souk which is an outdoor market as I already knew thanks to Sex and the City 2, the worst movie ever made in the history of making movies (Don’t worry, Chris Noth. I’d definitely still bang you.) At the souk, someone’s hungry so Hannah points to an eatery that looks really “authentic and interesting” IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING MOROCCO. How could anything NOT be authentic in this location, I beg of thee? Not to mention, the “authentic” place literally has goat brains and eyeballs flying around the booth. I hate these idiots so much sometimes.
The girls all decide to do a little ANTM Fear Factor crossover edition and eat some goat brains. I applaud their willingness to try new things but that’s really fucking gross and I’d never eat it. Ever. EVER.
Brittani does exactly what I would do and spits the brain out immediately. She also gets some sort of stomach bug out of the whole ordeal which sucks but holy hell, what did you think would happen? She didn’t even wash her hands before eating that thing. And don’t even get me started on where this guy’s hands have been.
Tyra Mail! Ah, the sweet smell of Soukces. These bimbos manage to figure out they’ll be going to a souk. Yes, I know, the answer is spelled out within the Tyra Mail, but don’t forget who we’re working with.
The next day, the girls meet Jay at the Medina which is the largest souk in Morocco. I want to go there immediately. The girls photo shoot will be taking place down in the market and they’ll be wearing clothing from Issa London as I mentioned earlier. The photographer is some dude I’ve never heard of Friedemann Hauss. I don’t know who he is but I want to pinch his cheeks and put him in my pocket.
The girls get styled and made up as usual and the Issa clothing looks fabulous. I’m totally drinking the Princess Catherine kool aid and I’m not afraid to admit it. In case you were wondering, once again nothing interesting happens on this shoot except Hannah looks like a renegade Indian Princess Leia and her whole shoot kind of sucks.
So instead of talking about the boring, let’s look at the pretty!
Panel time! Guys, I thought this Issa lady was younger for some reason. I don’t know why. She’s not old or anything, but I was imaging something…less soccer mommish. She’s cute though and quick to praise the models even when the rest of panel is not.
1. Alexandria. Alexandria, I think, looks great in the picture, but the panel doesn’t agree. The hat she has on reminds me of one of my favorite Three Stooges episodes ever, Malice in the Palace. Yeah, it had Shemp, but these things can’t be helped.
2. Brittani. The judges like her picture but point out she’s missing an arm. Is it weird I never would even noticed that?
3. Hannah. Hannah’s picture is not good. Well her body’s good, dress is good, but the face is bad. Very bad.
4. Molly. Molly’s picture is pretty great and it’s safe to say I want that outfit though on me, it’d look like pajamas.
Well Gasmii, Molly wins again. She’s getting pretty cocky with the first picture judgments so let’s wait and see what happens next week with her. In other news, Alexandria gets cast off and I totes thought it was going to be Hannah. I actually looked up from playing online Bingo to see what was happening. I never thought Alexandria would win but I’d thought she’d make final three, especially after Hannah’s poor showing this week. Oh well. See you guys next week!