ANTM: Whatever Happened to Baby Jane’s… Personality?

Gasmii, P-Baby here back at home on my cozy red couch ready to get to some skinny bitch drama.  And since I decided to be a good little domesticated house human, I’m going to indulge in my chocolate chip pumpkin bread I baked yesterday whilst recapping.  Hopefully Mr. P-Baby got his fill of pumpkin last night because if he thinks any of it is going to be remaining when he gets home from work today, then he’s going to be shit out of luck.  Aren’t I a good, caring wife?  Whatever, he gets to watch baseball tonight while I’m forced to DVR Jersey Shore.  It’s an even trade.

We open in the model house as usual, seeing the girls return home from judging panel/grocery shopping/hooking on the boardwalk and see Ann’s picture once again shining across the Tyra Mail monitor.  Ann has won three times now which means she’s either going to win this whole thing or have a serious fall from grace around the final 3/final two time frame.  Hopefully it’s the former because I heart Crazy Ann.

Kacey is ready for Ann to give up the first place spot so she can have a crack at it.  Newsflash, Kacey.  You have a crack at it every week.  You just suck.  Also, if there is anything that is dreckitude in that house, it’s Kacey’s ocular region.  Eye bags.  Need to go.

Kacey has come under scrutiny the past couple episodes, being informed last week that everyone in the house hates her existence.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and wager that said hate is not exclusive to ANTM residents.  In an attempt to beat the twelve year old mentality in the house, Kacey comes up with a plan this week for everyone to get to know each other better by writing questions down on a piece of paper and having the girls draw them out of a bowl and answer them.  Yeah, I’m sure forcing strangers to answer uncomfortable questions while everything is filmed for national TV is going to have the girls beating down your bunk bed begging for you to wear half of their BFF necklace.

During all this, Liz gets way serious and talks about the dark periods in her life when she wanted to die since being pregnant, alone, unemployed, and on food stamps is enough to get anyone bent out of shape.  Liz, this is a reality show about modeling airing on the CW.  No deep revelations please.  Keep it to wading pool level.

Jane gets asked what her parents do and I swear on my pumpkin bread that Marble Mouth over there says Lawn doctor.  I even backed it up to listen again but no, Jane’s dad is not a lawn doctor, saving the human race one weed at a time.  He is in fact a lung doctor.  The girls deduce quickly that Jane’s overnight bag is packed with hundreds for ass-wiping.  Jane is uncomfortable revealing her family’s affluence to the other ladies because the other girls live in trailers/shop with food stamps/slept in sleeping bags until age 13.  But since Jane is rich, I don’t feel bad for her.  Go buy something sparkly, Jane.  It’ll look pretty AND distract you for hours.

Tyra Mail!! The message: “Sometimes you have to go backwards to move forwards.”  Umm, like when?

The next day (or five minutes later.  Or two years ago.  Who knows with the way these piece of crap TV shows get edited anymore?) Lexie wants us to know that even though she may seem all fun and games, she’s really serious about being there and modeling.  I don’t believe it.

The girls arrive at their challenge located at 2nd Street Tunnel in Los Angeles.  The entire motherfucking thing has been shut down for this crap.  I’m sure that’s not annoying at all to people with real jobs who may need to use that little scrap of land for their commute to work.  I’m an East Coast native so I don’t know how pertinent this tunnel is but if it being shut down even inconvenienced one person just trying to bring home the bacon, then that is one too many.

Miss J greets the girls and lets them know they will be doing a runway show in the tunnel wearing the designs of Herve Leroux who I guess is the original designer of the As Seen On Kim Kardashian bandage dress.  The asshat male models from the makeover episode/World’s most awkward BBQ are back and will be walking in the show with the girls.  Kacey soils herself at the site of her beloved Shaw and I’m totally hoping for a Shandie-esque meltdown four episodes from now when she calls her boyfriend hysterically crying that she fucked Shaw in the make-up trailer.  A girl can dream, can’t she?

So the whole trick to this runway show is that the girls will be walking on conveyor belts out to the end of the runway and then striking a pose on another conveyor belt that will drift them back.  The girl with the most composure and ability to not lose a leg will win some baubles from Lisa Freede.  Upon hearing all this, my girl Chris gives me a fist bump through the TV monitor.

Hair and make up ensues with not much to report except that the dresses are beautiful and Kacey has officially consummated her relationship with Shaw via eye-fucking.

Miss J takes his seat right by the runway but I’m trying to figure out where all the other audience members came from.  Maybe they are all people stuck on the highway waiting for this crap to end and decided, “Fuck it.  May as well watch this bullshit if I’m going to be sitting in the Hyundai anyway.”

Chelsey is up first and almost falls off the entire runway.  She struggles through the whole thing but manages to not bust her face open so I guess can be considered a moderate success.

Liz pulls a Chelsey but also manages not to fall.  After seeing her in that dress, I think Liz definitely has a future in modeling…like in the before pictures of a Pro-Activ commercial.  HD hates Liz.

Jane’s up next and says that her walk sucks even when she’s not on a conveyor belt.  Jane looks great but has the personality of a throw pillow.  And not a cute Pier 1 throw pillow either.

Ann psychs herself out and bites it at the end of the runway.  Ain’t no thang, Ann.  Just go rock your photo shoot.

Side note, Gasmii.  Haven’t any of these girls seen the video for Virtual Insanity?  That dude could walk on a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese if need be.   What about those OK GO treadmill fellows?  They could rock this out too.  What seems to be the problem is that no one did a test run on these conveyor belts and Tyra should count her blessings (and neck rolls) that none of these skinny-ankled chippies fell and seriously hurt themselves.

Kayla goes next and gets stuck on the step in the middle.  Nothing interesting follows.

Kendal follows and loses a shoe.  Like how boring is this show going to be?

Lexie says she’s nervous but not that nervous because she’s an athlete.  She used to do track and runs on treadmills.  Running shoes and sports bra are not quite the same as bandage dress and fuck-me heels but Lexie actually does ok.  Now if only we could do something about her face.

Kacey also does well but I’m getting pretty tired of her little wink that she likes to throw in.  It’s not cute, nor will it ever be.

Esther goes after Kacey and poor Esther never stood a chance on that conveyor belt with those knockers.  She bones it the whole way and actually falls when she’s no longer on the treadmill,  just walking down some steps.  Random flashback of the day:  Guys, remember when Marisa Tomei fell up the stairs on her way to collect her Oscar for My Cousin Vinny?  That must have sucked.  But it probably didn’t suck as much as Vanessa Redgrave, Judy Davis, Joan Plowright and Miranda Richardson all losing to Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny.

Chris brings up the rear and has some blunders.  Nothing note worthy except that Chris is really growing on me now that Terra is gone.

So, Kacey wins this challenge.  She manages to outdouche her douchiness by screaming upon hearing her name announced and then following the scream with a joyful, “I got first!”

The next day, Andre Leon Talley pays a visit to the model house and even though he looks absolutely ridiculous, I quite enjoy seeing him at the house over The Banks.  Sometimes I feel like a little Emperor’s New Clothes type situation is going on with Andre, but instead of being naked (the horrors!) he is just dressed like an idiot and no one has the balls to tell him.  I probably wouldn’t either, not because I give a rats ass who he is in the fashion industry, but because I love me some crazy.  He sort of wanders in like a confused homeless man instantly making me wish that a confused homeless man really would wander in.  Bet Ann would try to bang him in the sand room.

He’s at the house to introduce the girls to Karolina Kurkova, a beautiful blonde supermodel who is also refreshingly unpretentious, at least for her five minutes of screen time.  Karolina spends some time in the kitchen teaching the girls that if they drink her mysterious vegetable and fruit smoothie they will be the proud owner of beautiful skin.  I wonder how many pints of blood Kendal lost in the kitchen that day, seeing as the only explanation for Karolina’s perfect skin is her regimen of shotgunning liters of virgin blood.

Girls better be careful with that smoothie.  I heard a rumor there could be an odd side effect.

Fuck.  More Tyra Mail.  ”Don’t let the competition throw you.  Love, Tyra.”  No Liz, you are not getting thrown out of a helicopter.  Sit down and shut up.

More house drama!  Kacey is pissed because Lexie left her gnarly bobby pins all over the kitchen counter.  1. That is disgusting.  2.  Now I’m pissed at Lexie for making me side with Kacey.  Lexie’s excuse is that Kacey has week old food laying around but how does leaving your bobby pins on top of old food make the situation any better?  These bitches better be glad they are in California and not New York because their crib would be housing about 1.2 million bed bugs with the way they leave that place.

Lexie and Kacey start going at it once again instigated by Kacey coming up into the girls’ bedroom.  A bunch of bystanders watch the the fight go down until Liz finally points out that the whole fight started because of Kacey trying to instigate in a room full of people that dislike her.  I’m trying to figure out if it’s a mean girl situation but Kacey’s personality really grates and even Ann seems to not like her.  Ann likes everyone so methinks Kacey’s really just a wench.

The next day the girls arrive at a wrestling ring where a Koopa is wrestling a poor man’s Captain America.  Turns out the girls will be entering the world of Mexican masked wrestling and the whole thing is extremely tacky and yet all sorts of awesome.  Tacky is my weakness so combine wrestling and masks with latex and Aquanet and I’ll be there with bells on.

The photographers today are a Top Model first, a father/son team who look like they spend their off hours luring children into vans with candy.  Their names are Eddie and Moshe Brakha and they’ve photographed a bunch of famous people published in famous magazines.  This isn’t our first rodeo, Gasmii.  You know the drill.

Liz is up first and Jay goes gaga over her high heels.

Liz is getting hollered at by Jay, Dad, and the other photographer dude and all three have varying opinions.  Meanwhile Liz is just trying to kill a chicken so she can save some food stamps and put dinner on the table.

Kendal goes next and Koopa seems to be giving her trouble.

Jane’s up and it is almost becoming painful to watch how void of personality this chick is.  Seriously, why is Jane a robot?  Has something happened to her?  Like too many Whip Its?

Neither Esther nor Chelsey do anything interesting so I guess I’ll just show a couple pictures of them posing.  Gasmii, my apologies for such a lackluster episode.  Actually, fuck that.  It’s not my fat head plastered all over the walls of the ANTM house.  Let’s make that bitch apologize.  But since we are talking about stuff that is boring, how sucky does that Secretariat movie look?

Kayla tells us AGAIN that she wants to win ANTM because she’s a lesbian and no lesbian has ever won before.  Neither has an Asian but you don’t see me all getting on my high horse Kayla.  And I don’t mean a half-Asian like me (and Cycle 13 winner Nicole Fox.)  I mean a full Asian.  Anyway, back to Kayla.  No one cares that you like girls.  You should want to win because you get a bunch of publicity and a jump start into a modeling career.  And you get to be in the same room as Nigel.  Which probably doesn’t mean anything to Kayla since she likes girls.

Kacey does her best Tina Turner circa Thunderdome impression but comes up short.

Chris takes a gamble and decides to go for the jump shot.  Hope it works out better than the roller coaster!

Ann struggles through her shoot and starts crying due to some negative feedback.  Ann, quit being so goddamn sensitive.  You’ve gotten first the past three episodes.  No reason to cry.   Lexie, Jane, Chris, Kacey and Esther are all definitely going home before you.  Feel better?  Now get out there and make me proud.  Also, I’ve finally figured out what Ann’s body proportions remind me of.

Lexie’s up after Ann.  Lexie looks like pre-nose job Ashlee Simpson if pre-nose job Ashlee Simpson had really big, bad, blonde hair and a weiner.

Back at the house, Ann is still crying so I’ve decided that we need to talk about something that is actually sad to keep a little perspective.  How about that Rutgers kid’s suicide?  Or the thousands of dead troops from the conflict overseas with the number STILL rising?  Even Michael Douglas’s throat cancer makes me kind of sad.  Oh and Amber beating the hell out of Gary on Teen Mom also makes me sad.  And nauseous.   Whew.  I don’t like when real life actually sneaks in there once in awhile.  OK Ann.  Are we ready to get a fucking grip?

Backstage shots time.  Is it just me or does The Banks seem to be smizing through her teeth while secretly hating Karolina Kurkova?  The Banks seems threatened.

Kendal’s up first and the judges like her picture.  They also like her outfit, deemed non-dreckitude.  I deem the judging panel dreckitude.  Except Karolina.  She can stay.  But hands off Nigel.

Lexie is up after Kendal and after seeing the contrast of Kendal’s face with Lexie’s, it amazes me these two are even on the same show.  Kendal is heads and tails over Lexie’s generic Forever 21 storefront look.   The judges don’t like her picture either.

Esther’s picture is decent but unfortunately, The Banks is right.  Her face is pretty blank.

Chelsey’s photo is awesome and my girl is back!

Ann starts cracking in front of the judges as Tyra grills her about the photoshoot.  The judges LOVE her picture and tell her to get some confidence.  Guys, no matter how much Kool-Aid these guys are trying to get me to drink over this picture, I don’t see it.  But I still like Ann.

Jane’s picture is decent but is a bit Maxim-esque.  Well, she’s just practicing for later when her Z-list fame lands her in a spread next to some Survivor castaway and an MTV Real World/Road Rules Challenge slut.

Chris’s photo turns out great, so the jumping gamble was worth it.  Tyra wants her to smize and said the wide was insane.  What the hell does that mean?

Kayla gets in trouble for her hideous dress and outfit.  She takes it well so good for her.  Kayla’s picture is awesome.  Early prediction.  Ann and Kayla, final two.

Liz is back to her old tricks again, turning her cropped hair do into the world’s tiniest mohawk.  We get it Liz.  You have a mohawk, an eyebrow ring and tattoos.  You are so edgy that Edgy is intimidated by you.  Good news for Liz, though.  Her picture is legit.

Kacey winks at the judging panel on her walk up there but I don’t even know who that is in her picture.  It looks NOTHING like her.  What the hell?

Deliberation time guys. Let’s cut to the chase.  Ann wins best photo again, which has never happened before in the history of Top Model.  I just feel ridiculous stating something is a Top Model first, like it actually means anything.  Anyway, I’d say either Kayla or Chelsey deserved that one but everyone’s drunk on Ann love so whatevs.  Chris gets second best, followed by Chelsey.  Final two comes down to Jane Duh and Lexie, with Lexie given the heave ho.  Can’t say I’m sad to see her go but who’s going to start shit with Kacey now?

Gasmii, I hope you all enjoyed the recap.  See you next week for what appears to be Ann’s fall from grace!