Hi Gasmii!! P-Baby Walker here with this week’s Model Meltdown Madness. Before we get to the models, I just need to get this off my chest…
I CAN’T FREAKING WAIT TO READ SWEET VALLEY CONFIDENTIAL I’VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG FOR THIS BOOK TO COME OUT EVER SINCE I READ A TEASER ABOUT IT ON THE INTERNET MONTHS AND MONTHS AGO BECAUSE THE WAKEFIELD TWINS ARE SO RIDICULOUS WITH THEIR PERFECT SIZE SIX FIGURES AND I’D BE A WAY BETTER FRIEND TO THEM THAN ENID ROLLINS OR LILA FOWLER AND BECAUSE BRUCE PATMAN HAS A VANITY PLATE AND BECAUSE I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A MEMBER OF THE UNICORNS AND RIDE AROUND IN THE TWINS’ FIAT AND DATE TODD WILKINS OR HAVE JEFFREY FRENCH TAKE ME TO THE DAIRI BURGER AND BECAUSE SWEET VALLEY SEEMS LIKE THE BEST PLACE ON EARTH.
So normally each episode starts with the girls returning from panel and aimlessly sitting around their house talking about nothing while I bang my head against my keyboard. Tonight, we have an extra special treat because Banks is in the house ready to learn us some shit.
Alas, Banks is here to talk to us about how famous she is so she can pass her fame secrets on to her asshole proteges. Now I’m banging my head against my keyboard for a different reason. Isn’t it a little soon to be discussing how to be gracious with fans these idiots don’t have and to practice signing autographs for people who are never going to ask? Let me be clear:
NO ONE FROM AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL HAS EVER BEEN ASKED FOR AN AUTOGRAPH OR EVER ACHIEVED ANY LEVEL OF FAME PAST THIS SHOW. EXCEPT ADRIANNE CURRY AND THAT’S ONLY BECAUSE SHE USED HER FEMININE WILES TO LAND A BRADY BOY, BUY HERSELF NEW TITTIES AND STILL INSISTS ON MAKING Z LIST APPEARANCES ON THINGS LIKE THOSE VH1 COUNTDOWN SHOWS AND AS AN AUDIENCE MEMBER ON DANCING WITH THE STARS .
Whew, capslock. Sorry. Somethings just need to be emphasized at a higher volume. One more thing. Banks learned a new word. It’s archetype. She uses it approximately 97 times in a span of 30 seconds to prove that she deserves to go to Harvard, since Harvard people use big words.
I can’t even describe how stupid this whole segment is but thank god it finally ends. The time jumping is pretty strange here since I have no idea what time it is but Molly shows up back with her normal hair which essentially means in the end she got no makeover at all. I’m glad the weave is gone because I was tired of looking at it and tired of hearing about it and the gross rash it put on Molly’s neck.
Tyra Mail decides to pop its happy ass on in to inform the girls, “Tomorrow you’ll have a real following.” The girls guess they’ll be followed by paparazzi and I have to say again. Why the emphasis on this show with being famous? I think out of any reality show ever on TV, the only real celebrities I can think of have come from American Idol (Clarkson, Underwood, and freaking Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson.) Idol doesn’t put this much emphasis on how to handle fame so what the hell is going on with ANTM? Tyra has a better chance of giving birth to a llama than anyone on ANTM ever winning an Oscar. Or a Grammy. Or my respect. Just saying.
The next day the girls arrive at Westfield Century City Mall and are greeted by Miss Jay. Their challenge is going to be putting Tyra’s fame tips to work as they will be tested on how well they handle the oglers.
The prize is a personal dinner with Miss Jay. The fuck? Why does the budget seem non-existent this year? A video posted on Covergirl? Dresses from some no-name designer? I guess all the money must have gone to hiring Rachel Zoe to not style the photo shoot with her fake fur vests, no? I don’t get it. At least on The Amazing Race, they get like $5000 here or there or a trip to somewhere and on Big Brother, they get random prizes all the time for screwing with their housemates. Who’d even want to go on this stupid show anymore?
For the most part the girls are quite gracious as they should be. Alexandria is surprisingly personable and Kasia might be a genuinely together, kind of nice person. Monique, on the other hand, is over it about five minutes in. I’d be over it too as I typically don’t like talking to people all that much ever, especially at the mall. I’ll say I could probably fake it for a little longer than Monique did, but we’ll chalk this one up to the Popples getting tired and needing a nap. I also think Monique might believe she’s a little better than she actually is.
wants a kiss from Monique. First of all, he definitely owns a small white dog, lots of lotion, a closet full of skin, and a well in his basement. Secondly, eww. Monique sends him on down to Alexandria, who concedes to give the dude a kiss on the cheek. That’s also kind of eww but I’ve done worse in my drunken heyday so who am I to judge?
Miss Jay declares Kasia the winner of the challenge after chiding Alexandria for kissing Buffalo Bill on the cheek and telling Monique she sucked. Kasia picks Jaclyn and Brittani to tag along on her date with Miss Jay which, hooray, I guess? The rest of the girls are left to clean up after the “fans.”
And with that, Monique flips the fuck out. She strikes me as someone who quite possibly has never cleaned up anything ever. It kind of goes past bitchy awesomeness into obnoxious brattiness. I like a good bitch but I also have a Chinese mom and a Armed Forces husband so my work ethic tends to the Type A workaholic mode, regardless of the task. The point is, Monique isn’t famous or cute enough to justify her tantrum.
On that note, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could get Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, and Sandra Bullock to teach a class on how to be famous without being a twat?
At dinner, the girls get to go to some place called Rock Sugar and it’s another one of those fancy pants Asian places. The food looks pretty fucking amazing but I’m pretty sure Mama P-Baby could make all of it and then some and she wouldn’t even make me pay a whole lot for it. Miss Jay seems like pretty entertaining dinner company and overall, the girls have a really great time. OK, so maybe the dinner thing didn’t suck that bad as a prize.
Tyra Mail. ”Oh the tangled webs we weave.” Everyone’s worried about spiders. Duh.
On a completely unrelated note, I watched Michael Jackson Moonwalker just about everyday from 1989-1991. My parents thought I was insane. Anyway, the part where Joe Pesci is like dealing drugs to kids and taking over the world with tarantulas always scared the shit out of me.
The girls arrive at smashbox studios the next day and meet Jay who tells them shortly after arriving that they’ll be split up by hair color for a group shoot and wearing next to nothing. This excites everyone and Molly points out that all of the blonds have gotten a best photo which I hadn’t even noticed after recapping this crap in minute detail every week. I guess I better put down the P-Baby wine once in awhile.
Everyone gets covered in mud and nothing interesting is going on right now. Kasia keeps calling herself “fiercely real” which is annoying. You are bigger than everyone else. We can see it. We’ve seen it since day one. No one cares. Have a cookie. Shut up.
Being covered in mud makes Alexandria feel like Mother Earth. Mother Earth weeps for humanity.
The Bettys get to posing and all their hair runs together. They all kind of look the same to me in this shoot. All I see is big blond hair, mud and floating heads. There’s some minor drama with Alexandria being bossy, but honestly, did we expect anything different? It’s worth pointing out that the only reason she cared about getting scolded by Mr. Jay was because she was afraid he’d tell Tyra and not because she was actively trying to reform behavior.
The Veronicas are up next and I wish Mikaela would just own the fact that she is super boring. Every week she talks about trying to not be boring but I’d like her so much more if she’d just own it and say, “Hey Tyra? I’m not fierce. I like to do crosswords and read Harry Potter books. I watch Wheel of Fortune every night while I drink a lemonade and then turn in for bed after flossing.” Instead, she tries to fake being an exuberant personality because her eyebrows are so evil and none of it works for her.
Is everyone done with the mud shoot? Good because I was done ten minutes ago.
Meanwhile, backstage at panel…
Also, to answer my question, this is Sonia Dara. I’ve never seen this person before in my entire life.
First up for judging are the brunettes. Here’s the group shot.
1. Monique. Tyra describes it as not boring. How does that tell anyone anything? Oh yeah, I saw that Social Network movie. It was not boring. I read the Stieg Larsson trilogy. It was not boring. I went skydiving. It was not boring.
2. Jaclyn. The judges love it. Nigel won’t STFU about it. He says he’d probably book her, like that means anything either. Great compliments, judges.
3. Mikaela. Andre calls her the weakest link. And hello, 2001.
4. Brittani. Banks calls her the star. Wow, that sucks for everyone else.
Next up are the blonds. Group shot.
5. Hannah. Tyra thinks it looks class portraity. My class pictures never looked like this. I wore neon sweaters and had big flashing stars in the background while my glasses ate my face.
6. Molly. Guys, Molly looks so, so, so much better without the weave.
7. Kasia. Everyone loves Kasia. She’s decent. She can stay.
8. Alexandria. Andre calls her Alexandra. He rules.
So the idiots deliberate and Brittani gets her first best photo win. Next up after Brit Brit is Kasia. The bottom two comes down to Mikaela and Monique with the Popplehead going home. It’s probably for the best. I imagine we’d have seen Monique popping up on reality shows a plenty if she’d gone any further in the show. Well Gasmii, that’s all for now. See you guys next week!