Apprentice: Apprenti in the Plastic Bubble

We open this Celebrity Apprentice on the high spirits of the women’s win and LaToya is bitching that no one is congratulating her.  Uh, they are congratulating the women, you are woman, it’s the associative property of if A=B and B=C then A=C.  Finally a practical use for algebra!

I can’t believe I’m an Oscar winner and now I’m here.

John asks Gary if he’s looking at him with hatred and Gary says some nonsensical bullshit, mostly because he’s surprised his team hates him and his antics so much.  Meat says they have to give him tasks to keep him away from the task.  It’s like the crazy pedophilic uncle every family has.  Then Gary gets up in Mark’s business and says he’s more motivated now and Mark can’t make eye contact because Gary once again is channeling the guy on the subway who eats his face.  You just hope he stays in his seat.

Yeah, he’s sane.

Next task!  Trump drags everyone’s sorry asses to the roof of the building to have them freeze their nips off while he introduces them to the finely tanned folks from Australian Gold tanning products.  Ironically, REAL Australians are fanatically about sunscreen and staying out of the sun during peak hours which is why Nicole Kidman looks like porcelain and we look like Hermes handbags.

Wow, tropical in an evil villan sort of way.

Also, what the hell is up with Ivanka bringing her big-ass bags with her to these?  The guys aren’t carrying briefcases, perhaps an assistant can hold it?  Unless it has some kind of warmer to keep her from freezing.

Steve and Tommy Sue own Australian Gold and Melinda is the head of sales.  Steve tells them their lotions have a feel and scent that allows people to “Live the Gold Life.”  Melinda tells them they’ve heard of thinking of outside the box but today they want them to think inside the box.  Lil Jon is probably bored.

Living the gold life as a Stevie Nicks video.

Each team gets a 10×10 glass box to create a scene that embodies live the gold life.  How many knew at this point there would totally be scantily clad models painted gold?  Jose is probably kicking himself.

Judging is based on creativity/originality, brand messaging and how well they continue the marketing theme OUTSIDE THE BOX.  Don and Ivanka are advising.  Pick your project managers!  LaToya is the loudest so she wins and Trump says she’s appropriate for sunscreen.  Because she’s white?  Mark steps up for the men’s team.  He says he’s been “laying in the weeds” until now.  Like a snake?  This ought to be good.

Mark says his charity is Save the Music which keeps “music education in the schools.”  Dude, they are barely keeping EDUCATION in the schools and most kids will learn the harmonica in jail.

Trump’s giving his usual ass-wiping fee of $20,000 and Australian Gold wants to donate another $20,000.  And unlike the nameless, faceless ballcap company of last week, Australian Gold gets their freakin’ money’s worth in terms of advertising and branding during the show.  It was all I could do not to bronze after watching this episode.

Back to the suites!  At Backbone, they immediately bring up painting scantily clad women gold.  Dilbert is right, marketing really IS liquor and guessing.  But mostly liquor.  I find if I keep the vodka bottle velcroed to the underside of my desk, it makes for easy nipping.

“You can’t bring enough chicks as far as I’m concerned,” Mark says.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s totally gay.  And there is nothing wrong with that.

John brings up finding the hidden treasure of Australian Gold with the models and Mark jumps on board with dressing everyone as pirates.  Which is a fresh idea if it were 2008.  Mark interviews about Australian Gold being their bounty and pirates love bounty and ARRRRR, matey.  John is not on board with the pirates, states his case, and pirates it is!  “We’re fighting cleavage with cleavage!” Meat says.  Indeed.

Gary says he knew instinctively it was wrong because pirates never wear sunscreen.  Then he starts naming actors he knows who play pirates, then I think he just starts naming actors.  Mark says they are sticking with the pirates and if it’s wrong he’ll go home.  Oh, no he did not just quit!

LaToya does a great job of taking charge of nothing.  She delegates different areas to people…Nene and Marlee are the “creative,” Hope gets the props (again), Star is the graphics person (again), and she “gives herself nothing,” according to Nene.  Well, she is overseeing everything, let’s withhold judgment until she actually f#cks up.  Because here it comes.

Oh my God we are f#cked.

The women ask LaToya what should go in the box.  LaToya suggests brainstorming…Nene mentions the beach, the pool, a regular guy getting a newspaper (prime burning time, that early morning rush to the end of the driveway)…but honestly, these ideas are tired and sucky so when Marlee asks what LaToya thinks and she’s got nothing, I don’t really think that’s fair.  BRAINSTORM and come up with an idea, that can’t all be LaToya’s fault…also, I cannot believe I’m defending LaToya.

I’m a Jackson, how could I possibly have a clue?

The Australian Gold contingency walks in to provide some guidance and LaToya asks about the demographics and Steve says, “Everyone and anyone who likes to have fun outdoors,” which is such bullshit.  You know your demographic and if you don’t, you shouldn’t be in business.  That’s like saying, “Everyone likes ice cream.”  No they don’t.  There are soulless zombies in the world who don’t like ice cream.  And I’ll have their scoop.

They also mention their surfing koala Sydney is very important as part of their brand, whether he’s surfing or playing in the snow.  As koalas often do never.

Over at Backbone, Tommy Sue is telling the men that life is short and they only have so much time to spend with friends.  “And when you have those treasured moments, when you are on vacation…” and even though she doesn’t finish, Mark immediately jumps on the “treasure” part of the sentence.  I immediately jump on the fact that life is short especially for people who fall overboard during cruise vacations.

Tommy Sue says their boys love it, their friends love it, and Gary says, “Gives you a sexual feeling.”

Mark tries to cover, Meat interviews, “This was awful,” he interviews with his head in his hand.  “Basically Gary said it made him horny and Tommy Sue did not like that.”  It does look like she just smelled a FART, or a FAT ASS RETARDED TOOL.

I’m going to close my eyes and go to my happy place.

John asks if they’ve ever used pirates in their marketing and Steve very sternly says, “We have not used pirates in our marketing,” as though he’s speaking to someone who said he got sexual feelings from their products.  John is still against pirates but plays the good team member.

Lil John is pissed because he is put in charge of costumes, props and Gary so the rest of the team can actually get real work done.  They should have sent him to Brooklyn to look for a Bedazzler, didn’t that screw someone up in like season 2?

The women are researching previous ads and they see a sexy commercial with a woman on YouTube and LaToya says she’s wants to see that.  Nene, who has somehow found her mean streak/backbone since Dionne left (ah the power of legends in their own minds) says, “But they already got that!”  Good point.

LaToya says she wants to see a man and a woman in the box completely gold, making it seem like a beachy/vacation concept.  Wow, that really is inside the box.  Nene says she doesn’t think it’s very creative and doesn’t understand the whole concept.

Hope offers to be gold and to be honest, I didn’t like that idea – she really should be part of the project, not props, but turns out I could not have been more wrong about this.  LaToya nips the idea in the bud and that’s that.  She puts Hope in charge of the money.

Star tells LaToya the banners are going to cost them $7200 and the print budget is $3500 and suddenly it’s like I’m at work!  LaToya wants all the banners and doesn’t care about the budget!  Star is like you can want what you want but there’s no money for it.  LaToya says she’s the project manager and they have to listen to her.  Star’s like sure, fine, but where’s your sorry ass going to find the money?

Bitch don’t get basic math!  How is she not bankrupt?

Star says LaToya has no concept of money or budgets and unrealistic expectations.  Yep, she’s a Jackson.  Now excuse her while she goes to purchase a giraffe.

LaToya bitches that the women are all after her and making things difficult so they could get rid of her.  I really don’t think so, I think they want to win and they see their chances slipping away because you aren’t being strong.  Having said that, I’m not hearing any ideas from anyone else, so either put up or shut up.  Dammit, it’s so much easier to have one enemy like Gary to detest.

The men show up at the fabricators studio and tell them what they want…make the box look like a deconstructed, salvaged shipwreck.  The centerpiece will be the treasure of Australian Gold.

Nene, Marlee and Hope are put in charge of getting props, costumes and whatnot and Marlee is pissed because they have no idea what they are doing.  Seriously, how about coming up with something?  It’s supposed to be fun but Marlee “has no idea what that fun should be.”  Nene says LaToya is getting on her nerves.  Star says our guess is as good as hers.

So the women are all out and about and LaToya is talking to the fabricators who are probably mesmerized by her facial fabrication.  She stalls because she has no clue what she’s doing, mentioned palm trees and koala bears and the fabricators are flummoxed.

She wears that then has the nerve to put her hands on her hips when she talks to me?

Lil Jon and Gary are picking up props but when they get to the koala bear costume it’s kind of dorky.  Lil Jon correctly states that people are sensitive to their brands (true) and the koala bear isn’t right – it could actually be an insult.  Rut-roh.  Pirates and NO KOALA, their mascot that they even focused on in their meeting with you?  Enjoy losing.

The women did reserve the koala costume so they are good to go.  Nene is going to be inside the costume then makes a move like she’s screwing it.  Awesome.

The next one fired goes into the costume for a week.

Lil Jon and Gary have to wait for the props to come down and Gary pretty much acts like an autistic kid that you feel sorry for but you really, really, really want to punch hard enough to knock out just so you can get some peace.  Lil Jon calls Gary his “kryptonite.”  Mine is lime Tostitos.

John brings up the idea of using Crocodile Dundee in their box but Mark says he went back to Australia because of tax problems.  “Oh, so he’s hanging out with Richard Hatch,” John jokes and they all laugh and laugh and laugh because it’s true.

Ivanka walks in and Mark is smart enough to know to stand up and shake her hand.  They explain to her their idea and she likes their cohesion…but more because they all get along unlike those bitches on ASAP who are just out to steal each other’s boyfriends.

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!  To hit Gary on the head with!

Ivanka is over at the women’s place and LaToya says they are doing a beach theme with gold people.  Ivanka wants to know how they are going to differentiate themselves since the beach scene is so obvious even a blind person could see it.  LaToya pees a little in her pants and realizes they need to do something different and make it more exciting.  Whatever you do, DON’T tell your team what that idea is!

It’s a box…aren’t we supposed to think INSIDE it?

Star is doing the graphics and LaToya is trying to tweak it in a very tacky way.  Star says let’s just get this done and LaToya is like well, let’s keep working on it and passive-aggressive Star snots that she’s trying to get stuff done but LaToya keeps interrupting her to give her more stuff.  Yeah, bosses are like that.  Also, Star is stuffing her face.  All the time.

Even graphics nerd knows that lapband is only so strong.

LaToya bitches that Star is always covering herself and their losses are never her fault.  Well, most of the time they aren’t.  She does work, she gets her work done, and although she probably could have been fired for that children’s book fiasco, she has the skills to save herself.  If the world ever goes belly up, I’m hiding behind her.  I think that’s happening in May, right?

LaToya calls the women at Lowe’s and asks them to pick up 125 bags of sand…in 50 pound bags.  Marlee is way faster than I am and says that’s more than 6000 pounds of sand.  Holy shit, that’s a lot of sand.  Enjoy the cats that find you faster than catnip.  They double-check the number and that’s what she wants.  Who the hell is going to carry that?  Dionne isn’t on the team anymore!

Stupid Hope, don’t you know how to hold a phone to your ear?

The men’s team’s box is coming together nicely and Mark is thrilled.  They begin to go over selling the product and talk about the nice smell of the product, how well it works, and so on but it seems kind of weak.  However, the men usually pull it off.

Face deep in beard.  I knew it!

The men also have to beat the hell out of some wood items to give it a weathered look and Gary goes apeshit on a box.  It’s sort of odd the way they taunt him to get him continue to go crazy.  Then Mark says Gary’s the wild card and they don’t know what to expect.  Expect him to be crazy.

Yes, please put BEATING CHAINS in Crazy’s hands.

LaToya starts to help create the box by spackling hole in the wood and talks about how great it is to be a part of this.  Then Hope, Marlee and Nene come back and are PISSED when they learned they had to build and paint the box.  Nene is on a rag roll about the project and still is hating life.

It is just like how you’d apply your makeup in the morning.

The morning of the “presentation” LaToya decides to tack on a winter scene as well.  Because they have just that kind of time.  Nene asks when they came up with that and LaToya says she came up with it this morning.  Hope is “really worried and a little bit pissed.”  Yeah, I would have been too because now you have to track down shitloads of snow.

Backbone is setting up their display and put Gary in charge of making sure it’s set up in four areas.  “Show me your worth, Gary,” Mark says.  Good luck with that.

The women have 2 hours to move 3 tons of sand.  Uh-huh.  Hope you kept the receipt for when you need to return 122 of the 125 bags of sand to Lowe’s.  Models are getting painted gold and it is freakin’ nippley this morning.  LaToya says she knows the women want her to fail so she’s working extra hard at sucking.

The girls manage to sandbag themselves!  Literally!

Land ho!  The pirates have arrived including that 2-foot Joe or whatever his name is.  Guess he’s getting mileage out of his trip to New York.  Their setup looks pretty good, there is a ship with tall masts behind them which looks kind of piratey, and of course New York is full of pirates in the financial district so they are good to go all around.

The women have a lot of balloons and gold models.  Some of them are dressed in gold, Nene is the koala and the energy is low, low, low.  Don shows up and LaToya greets him.  She says there’s no togetherness on their team and the koala motions for Don to come over.  Don says it’s a jumbled concoction but the brand integration is pretty good.

I’m hoping the balloons and flowers distracts from the shitty job I’ve done.

The koala, aka Nene, bitches to Don about how bad LaToya was as a project manager.  She says she’d be surprised if they won and she is really starting to seem like a whiney bitch who isn’t a team player.  “If we win, that means the guys SUUUUUCKED.”  She said.  That’s possible, but not likely.

I might look stupid but LaToya IS stupid.

The men are dressed as pirates and chant their Australian Gold rhyme and by the way, did you know it’s Australian Gold and they want you to live the gold life?  Jackpot for Australian Gold, it’s been a one-hour infomercial minus the info but damn, I’m never going to forget where that gold comes from.

Gross…and small boobs.  Unless those get shrinkage from the cold weather?

The energy on the men’s team is very high and John says it’s “high in stuff” and Gary tells people it will “make them feel sexy.”  Is it Big Wednesday already?

Don gets wrangled in by Meat who calls him “The Admiral.”  They don’t make him walk the plank and Don really likes how out of the box they are and how focused their theme is…he’s just not sure about the pirate theme.

I believe killing Don Jr. will get you fired.

Star is pawning off some “15 Bronzer” while wearing her Farrah Fawcett wig while LaToya welcomes the execs and tells them they are living the gold life.  Aw, crap, she used their tagline.  Then she focuses on having not just the beach scene but also the snow scene and how people need sunscreen while doing winter sports as well.  However, the energy level is really low and they really don’t have a theme they seem to be rallying around.

By the way, do you know where the other angels are? 
On The View?!?!?!

LaToya interviews that as the project manager, she was ostracized from the team.  Actually, I think she was because she sucked, not because anyone truly wanted her to fail – the women want to win.  She’s kind of making up this drama in her head.

And here comes Barbie fun…and Ken freezing his balls off…maybe that’s why he is formed like a eunuch.

Oh no, the execs are with the men and here’s where it gets weird.  Meat greets them with his pirate accent and Gary comes up next to him like a dog waiting for scraps.  He actually physically grabs and corrals the execs and pulls them away from Meat.  It was really creepy to see and I would have punched him if he grabbed me like that.  Meat is pissed.

EXHIBIT A:  Gary manhandles the execs.

Gary starts doing his pirate accent and starts talking nonsense to them and he’s really creepy.  Steve says, “Let’s walk around and see some more,” trying to get away from him, and Gary screams, “NO!  You stay right here!” and points to the ground.  Everyone looks uncomfortable but again, they don’t want Gary biting them.  Gary says about their product, “If you don’t have this, you are a failure.”  Holy shit.

Gary says the product makes him feel good about himself but I’m guessing so does rubbing his belly.  He says they all need his product then he realizes that THEY MAKE THE PRODUCT.  He says he’s loved their product since 1974 (although everything I found just said they were just over 20 years old…also, they are in Indianapolis, who knew?) when the men try to divert the execs’ attention by singing their “Gold, gold, Australian gold!” pirate chant.

Mark greets the execs and Gary physically pushes Mark away and says he has a show to show them.  I couldn’t believe it, it’s like he has no filter…and I have to agree with most of the people on the comments for the mini-cap – Gary does have brain damage so I honestly think he has no clue what he’s doing, how irritating he is, or remembers doing what he does.  It’s sort of sad and it kind of makes me feel bad that Celeb Apprentice is using his disability/challenge/issue/ retardedness (take your PC pick) for ratings.  But damn, it does make for good fodder.  Well, at least Hell’s a dry heat and my hair won’t frizz.

EXHIBIT B:  Being the team player he is, Gary shoves his PM out of the way.

Then Gary goes completely over the line and tells them he will promote the product for them, do commercials for them, “at a completely fair price.”  Wow, no Point Break II in your future, Gar-Bear?  Everyone laughs nervously.  They start talking to Mark and try to get away from Gary.  Wow.  Mark gives them the overview but I think they are missing the koala and don’t really get the pirates.

Trump meets with the execs and they give their opinions both good and bad…the men had the greatest buzz around the box but they didn’t use the “live the gold life” and koala.  Busted!  The women hit the “live the gold life theme” and had a great box (ha!) but the outside of the box was a bummer and they wished Playmate of the Year Hope would have shaken her booty.

Damn, I didn’t actually think of that…promoting the Playmate of the Year thing…seems like Playboy would have some rules around that, I don’t know.  Also, I don’t have a penis so seeing a playmate in a bikini kind of gets up my femi-Nazi ire.

BOARDROOM!  Does anyone every dress professionally?  LaToya says she hopes they won and Nene says, “A-uhm…I think we did okay.”  Rut-roh.  Then she says she thought LaToya was “just okay” as a project manager because she never really nailed down a concept.  LaToya says Nene is not a fan of hers and she felt Nene’s actions showed how she really felt.

Then Ivanka and Don jump on the LaToya bandwagon, saying she was singled out the week before, that Nene even told Don at the event that she thought LaToya was doing a bad job.  Oh, Nene, not looking like a team player.  She certainly has gotten bitchy since Dionne left!

Trump says LaToya has done “really, really well” since she’s been here, but he also thinks Gary is “brilliant.”  Enjoy that run for the White House, dumbass.  I think LaToya did a great job on the camping episode – woman knew her RVs!  But otherwise she’s been sort of a wimp.  But if we talk about wimps, how about bringing up Hope aka the resident PAPERWEIGHT?  Nene disagrees and says the team probably doesn’t think LaToya did a great job.  So Trump moves to Marlee…

…who stays completely neutral and doesn’t really say anything but yet does.  She basically signs that LaToya has a different project management technique than she does.  She says she likes to be organized but LaToya was different.  Yeah, you were really organized during the 3 hour tour you took of New York to get to your art gallery.

LaToya sticks up for herself and says Marlee really wasn’t around her that much during the task so how the hell would she know.  Hey…whatever happened to all that sand, did they use it?  Because Lowe’s has a pretty good return policy.

Trump asks Hope why a Playmate of the Year wasn’t shaking her goodies.  LaToya says it was because they were rushed and they needed her to help on the task…which is a lie, LaToya didn’t want to use her.  Also, Hope should have spoken up more and said she did suggest that but LaToya said no.  That would have given Trump some ammunition.

Star says they had great models but they couldn’t hold a candle to Hope.  They could have really created a buzz with Hope in a gold lame stretchy whatever.  LaToya says, “I would have loved to see Hope out there.”  OMG, someone roll the tape where she’s the one who squashed that idea!  Trump calls her out and says she was the project manager so she could have, duh.

Over to the men and Mark says it would have been a slam-dunk with Hope then Trump goes batshit for some reason and asks Mark what is on his wrist.  There is a long pause.  Jesus, Mark, he didn’t ask to see your birth certificate, show him your shamrock!  Mark asks embarrassed that he has a tattoo.  He compares his tattoo to Trump’s Brooks Brother’s suit.  I guess Trump hates tattoos.  Chill.

Trump asks about the pirate theme and Mark gives him the whole bounty/booty/treasured moments bullshit.  Meat says they brought a lot of energy to the event outside the box and they were packed with people.  Trump calls them out on using pirates which weren’t part of anything they’ve ever done ever in the history of the world.  Ivanka does too and says the men are always thinking “outside the box” whereas the women are more conservative.

Trump asks Mark how important it is that he win and Mark says very.  Then he makes the big mistake that others have made and says if he doesn’t win he won’t be there.  Trump is like, WTF does that mean and Mark says if they lose he would have to take full responsibility.  He said that to Don, too, so it is going to be impossible to go back and blame Gary and his sexual references and piss-poor commercial negotiations.  Dumbass!  Plus, Trump hates that shit.

Jazz hands or the explanation of Gary’s synapses?  Hard to tell.

Don picks the scab and asks who decided to NOT go with the koala and I think the men defend themselves very well…Lil Jon starts out by saying they didn’t have the right color koala and a company’s brand is very important.  Mark echoes the sentiment and Meat says, hey we had that koala on every piece of marketing so we did take that seriously.  They should have made the koala walk the plank!

The teams trade marketing materials in a I’ll-show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours way and Mark says their stuff is “nice” but theirs is better and the women say it’s fine but Marlee says the pirate idea doesn’t make sense.

Get to the decision.  Don says the execs liked the women’s different types of “fun” – snow, sun, sand – and inclusion of that damn koala.  They loved the inclusion of the “live the gold life” motto but outside the box they suuuuuucked.

Ivanka says the execs loved the interaction with the crowd and the education of the public on the product, and John’s chant.  They hated the pirates and the fact that they didn’t have the koala.  They also HATED the fact that Gary pitched himself as a rep for the brand during the presentation.  Well duh.

So the winners are THE WOMEN!  Holy shit, I can’t believe it, but the pirate thing was too big of a risk.  LaToya gets her $40K for AIDS Project Los Angeles.  Trump tells Nene to apologize to LaToya and she shakes her head and says, “No.”  Yeah, it’s going to get ugly and I can’t wait!  Back to the suite to drink and bitch!

YAY!  We sucked less!

Back in the suite Nene starts screaming at LaToya saying she’s not the reason they won.  Yeah, they won because the men sucked more, like Nene says.  But Nene seems to have gone off her rocker a bit.  “I worked my ass off while you sat there and looked like Casper the Ghost.”  Oh no, she did not just say that.  “Let’s be clear, Casper.”  Wow.  Klassy.

Someone turned into an ugly drunk fast!

Now you have to remember LaToya grew up with Joe Jackson as a father, so this crap washes off her like abuse off a Jackson.  She holds her hand up and keeps saying, “Are you done?  Are you done?” in a calm tone and walks away.  Nene is such a bitch and says, “The only reason you got this far is because of your last name.”  Ouch.  And true.  “And you faked it for 50 years.  You are an old lady and you need to play your age, not twelve.”  Star suggests they watch the men self destruct.  Why when the women are doing it so fabulously?

Trump immediately jumps on Mark about saying he’s responsible and Mark says look, if we lost solely on the concept, I should be fired because it was my idea.  Then Trump asks even though Gary pitched himself to the execs?  Meat pipes up and says he disagrees with Mark 100%…Mark did a great job and Gary was the loose cannon.  He tells Trump about how Gary shoved Mark away and Gary says he never did that.  Please, please, please can we roll the footage already?

EXHIBIT B for Gary’s reference

Meat tells Trump that they have to give Gary tasks to do so they can get him out of the way and get work done.  Gary insists the execs wanted to come with him and Meat is like oh hell to the no did they want to.  Gary swears he didn’t force the people to stay with him.  ROLL THE TAPE!

Why does everyone hate me so damn much?

Trump is like, well, is that really so bad and Ivanka is like pay attention, Daddy Warbucks, Gary pitched the execs on being their spokesperson…yes, that is BAD.  Gary swears he didn’t do it and Meat’s voice is starting to crack.  Someone may actually be killed tonight.  Trump asks Meat if Gary is a liability.  Trump!  Do you watch the show?  Meat is like HELL YES, where have you been?  Gary disagrees.  I’m shocked too.

EXHIBIT A:  Looks like you didn’t manhandle them either, huh?

Meat suggests that some of the other team should speak now.  Lil Jon says Gary “basically handcuffed” the execs for like 20 minutes (thanks editors for not making us watch more than they did – painful!) and Gary tries to interrupt and Lil Jon says, “Shut up Gary!” and keeps talking which was hilarious.  He says the one of the unwritten rules is when the execs show up, they are taken to the project manager.

Don speaks up and says he’s been “ear-locked” with Gary on several occasions, loves his passion (he’s just being nice) but that the execs actually complained that Gary pitched himself to the execs.  Gary disagrees wholeheartedly and Don says well, that’s how it was perceived.  Gary says he never did it.  Wonder what he thought when he saw this episode and the scene where his basically begged to be their spokesperson?

Ivanka says she doesn’t think Gary pitching himself is why they lost the task but that it’s interesting to hear everyone hate on Gary, and calls him “the most expendable player.”  Doyee.

Let’s hear from John!  He says he gave Gary the benefit of the doubt and assumed his “dysfunctional ways” were just part of his makeup.  But then John says last week Trump asked Gary if he considered himself a “deceptive player” and Gary responded he “gets a kick keeping people off balance”.  John said at that point he realized Gary’s not crazy but knows exactly what he’s doing.  Gary says he never said that, which, surprise, surprise.

John continues and says Gary is very focused in the boardroom but outside he’s a mess.  Well, that’s because he spends a lot of time on the streets of New York and the stimuli must be killing him!  “He’s nearly impossible to wrangle.”

Trump says what about Mark wanting to quit.  Oh, Trump, that’s not what was said and you know it, and the men call Trump out on it…Mark says he doesn’t want to quit, but he has to take responsibility for the loss if they lost on concept.  Which he should shut the hell up about because they did lose on concept.  I think Trump is confused because someone is being accountable for his decisions.  He must not be used to that.

Don says Mark said the same thing when he saw them but never brought up the “Gary issues.”  Don says he should have said something to him then because it would make it more credible to the Trumps now.  Pay attention, men, Don just told you what you need to do on the next task to get Gary out – COMPLAIN EARLY, COMPLAIN OFTEN.

Mark is actual hilarious and says, “I think Gary’s an obvious issue at this point of the game.”  Trump is thinking Gary is ratings gold.  Mark says they have to work around Gary and Meat tells Gary, “We do not want to work around you, Gary, we are forced to.”  Gary seems confused by all the hatred.

Then Meat brings up the conversation when they first met with the execs and how upset he made Tommy Sue.  Gary says, “I did not,” but Meat hasn’t even said what it was yet…so either Gary knew or he’s got no clue.  Or a little of both.  “Yes you did, brother,” John said.

Meat tells the Trumps about him saying the lotion gave him a sexual feeling…and Don cracks up.  Gary says he never used the word sexual.  Hey, Memento, YOU DID.  John said it was disturbing.  Trump knows the two hours are almost up and asks Mark to bring two people back but Mark says he’s only bringing Gary back.  Oh, Mark, we hardly knew ye.

In the lobby Gary tells Mark those things never happened and Mark is like, “Do you think it’s Get Gary Busey Day?” which actually would be a cool video game.  Gary says he does think everyone is after him.  He says he never grabbed the execs then tells him to hang on a minute…hang on a minute…and Mark is like, “Quickly Gary, get to the point,” and Gary says, “I’m going to…your not my controller.”  Mark says if he was his controller he’s doing a terrible job, then Gary gives a creepy smile.  Ick.

Trump and the Trumpettes discuss the situation and clearly both Don and Ivanka think Gary should go.  Ah, TV neophytes, you understand nothing.  There is no way in HELL Trump is letting ratings gold go.  He needs to finish on top for that presidential run.

Gary tells Mark he’s not sure why everyone is against him and Mark says the funniest thing ever…He tells Gary to look inward.  “Take a big swim in Lake You and see what you find,” he says, haha, then tells Gary he’s heard his crap 16 hours a day. Trump asks they be sent back in.  I think Mark says, “Thank you dear” to the receptionist and I’m pissed.  She looks pissed and quickly makes an “I hate Mark!” entry in her Hello Kitty diary.

Trump asks Gary if he said something bad to Tommy Sue and he says not at all.  Trump asks why they all made that up, and Gary has no clue.  Gary starts on some nonsense about how the product makes him feel good about himself then goes into this whole man/woman thing and Don is like what the hell does that have to do with your sexuality and Gary once again says he didn’t say that.  Mark says he did and Gary says, “You weren’t there!”  Uh, Gar-Bear?  Everyone was at that meeting and Mark points that out.

Don’t make me bitch-slap you because I totally will.

Then Trump asks how appropriate it was to say in front of women and Gary says there were no women there.  Seriously, fire him so he can go back to the brain center or at least tattooing himself with Cliffs Notes.

Mark is like, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about and we deal with this all day long.  Gary says it didn’t happen.

Then Trump comes back to the dare Mark gave him about being responsible for the loss and now why go after Gary.  Mark says if we lost on concept, I should go and Trump says the theme is the primary reason you did lose, and Mark says he stands by his comment.

Don tries to save Mark by asking if Gary’s pulling the execs aside gave them a bad first impression and maybe that’s why the didn’t like the theme?  Oh, Don, too little too late.  THE Trump has been dared and he never turns one down.

Mark says look, Gary didn’t bring the execs over, he didn’t include me in the conversation and finally he pushed me away.  “Three strikes and your out,” he says, all while Gary is disagreeing.

Trump asks Gary why he should keep him versus Mark.  Gary says he’s a good force of nature and Trump hates that shit.  Then Gary says he isn’t communicated about the task and they try to keep him off of things and Don is like duh, that is a recurring theme and Gary actually asks DON why that is.  Because you’re a pain in the ass, Gary.

Don asks Gary if they are going after him because he’s the strongest player and Gary says maybe.  Trump says he’s not the strongest player of all.  Then he comes back to Mark and brings up his willingness to go if they lost about the theme – and really? Do these boardroom have to be so long?  I should just hit cut/paste-cut/paste!

Trump calls Gary the weakest man on the team and Trump fires Mark.  Mark is pretty cool about it then Trump says to Gary, “You’d better shape up…too many complaints, Gary…they cannot all be wrong!”  Busted.  Mark heads down the elevator and out into the cold, cold Australian Gold night as Gary snakes his way back to the suite.  F#ck!  I thought for sure Gary was out.

Mark is boringly nice in the car…loves his team…continues to take responsibility.  That is so not the American way.

Next week…Gary is project manager and does a cat impersonation.  LaToya tries to pull a “Michael Jackson” by setting herself on fire and Nene loves it.

Thanks for all the comments, it’s great to see the lively Gary debates…is he/isn’t he a mad genius?  Why is Nene being such a huge bitch?  Why do these celebs constantly take responsibility or offer themselves up to be fired?  Maybe they just don’t like bunking with other people…