Apprentice: Once Upon a Time, You Were Fired!

As we remember fondly last week, Trump said, “I Think I Don’t Love You” to “teen heartthrob” and resident wuss David Cassidy and the men’s team is down one doorstop.  Entering the suite, Richard woo-hoos and Jose whines he thought he’d be walking back with David.

Ted Bundy was all flowers and sunshine too.

Then Starr and Lisa “wipe the slate clean” which is chick code for “I’m going to carry this grudge like a fine handbag until I can throw it back your face at a later date.”  Or maybe that’s just how I do it.  Lisa SNAPS her fingers like it’s the early 90s and she has a bag of chips and says, “Hello…I stood up to Star.”  Star says her strongest ability to is to argue and I’m guessing that’s why she’s still single.  I argue and just don’t like to share the remote, that’s my reason.  Or at least the one I’m sticking to.

Star gets to meet with her heart surgeon who is completely confused as to why he’s sitting with her while on camera, or why she’s dressed in what appears to be shreds of electrical tape.  She hands him a check for almost $170,000 for the American Heart Association.  Hope some of that money actually makes it there!

Anyhoo, on to the next task.  One of the Trumpettes is Don Jr. Jr.”Eric” instead of Ivanka which is sort of a bummer, I really like her because she calls bullshit when necessary.

This week’s task?  The teams get to write a children’s book then perform it for children.  For those of you who know my Toddlers & Tiaras work, you no that me no likey the little ones.  So, snore!  The kicker is that the story has to be based on at least one member of their team.  I hope the women do Green Egos and Ham and the men do Are You There, God, It’s Me, Gary Busey.

Whoever farted is getting fired RIGHT NOW.

Judging will be based on originality, overall presentation to the kids and the age-appropriateness.  They are being judged by an editor of children’s books and Holly Robinson Peete who is an author of children’s books and I believe is often married to them.  The charity of the winning project manager will get a $20,000 donation.

Choose your project managers!  The women bully Lisa into being project manager to, as NeNe says, “Get her out.  Now.”  Yeah, these women are the anti-Oprah.  The men hem and haw so Meat Loaf offers to lead the team.  John says out loud, “I haven’t even read a children’s book” and I’m with him on that.  Just thinking about this task makes my eggs dry up.  Faster.

Lisa admits she didn’t want to be a project manager and says she had no choice.  “I could have said ‘F#ck you all, I’m not going to do it,’ but that’s not my style,” she says.  You know, it sort of is.  Also, sucks for you, because if this thing tanks you are going downtown.

The task starts out on a high note.

Meat Loaf does this crazy thing by assigning people tasks.  That’s just insanity!  He does suggest that their characters should all be animals for the book and that they have a moral to their story.  Again, insanity!  Also, props to him for using the “sword of Damocles” reference for what it’s like to be a project manager.  You don’t often get a Damocles reference from an Apprentice contender.

Mark and John are put in charge of writing the book, Lil Jon is the superhero of the book (so…no animals?), Gary and Jose are in charge of running errands to the wrong addresses all over town.  The others are too busy avoiding the IRS and jail time.

This big, I swear to God.

Over at ASAP’s lair, they are talking about the topics they want to cover…acceptance, diversity, tolerance…yeah, these are 4-5 year olds, they just need to remember not to crap in their pants and the words to Happy Birthday if memory serves me correctly.  NeNe points out these are little kids, so let’s dumb it down.  Lisa says the brainstorm worked initially then it fell apart, more than likely due to the absence of brains.

It was more like this big, but still impressive.

Marlee brings up how teaching sign language to kids is very interesting. Dionne can be heard in the background saying they don’t have time to “do all that.”  Then NeNe continues to be the voice of reason and says that remember, it needs to be about one of us.  Lisa pipes up and says it needs to be about diversity.  DIVERSITY!

Then Star gets up in Lisa’s business and says we understand diversity, tell us your idea.  LaToya calls Lisa “discombobulated” and didn’t know what she was doing.  Marlee makes a sign that reads, “Tell me what to do,” and her interpreter says for her, “Lisa, you are in charge, take charge.”  Lisa interviews that none of these women want her to succeed so she’s going to have a hard time.  I would disagree, I would say about half don’t want her to succeed but the other half is thinking more about the group as a whole.

Over at Backboning, the previously mentioned editor shows up to answer any questions they have.  John asks her about rhyming and non-rhyming sentences and I have to high-five him on thinking about that (although as a singer and maybe songwriter, he probably has that on the mind).  That was a great question and the editor says unless you have someone who knows how to rhyme well, they can all go to hell.  So John takes that as a challenge and he plans to rhyme and use thyme.  But mostly rhyme.

Seriously, these children are writing books for CHILDREN.

Star asks about doing an ABC book done with sign language.  That’s not really a story as much as a reference book, though, right?  Lisa says by that time they already know their ABCs.  Marlee suggests signing for animals.  Animals can’t read sign language!  No, wait, she means signing the words for animals.  Yeah, that still sucks because how can you perform it?  It was more interesting when you were trying to teach animals to sign.  Although my dogs don’t have opposable thumbs, so they may lose interest quickly.

The editor shows up at ASAP and Lisa asks what the key is to connecting to 4-5 year olds.  Booger jokes?  She recommends using animals and reminds them that picture books are illustrated so it needs to be very visual.  Thanks for that strategic suggestion, making a picture book VISUAL.

The women choose to write about LaToya the Lion because when you think of happy childhood books, the Jackson Family story is the first one that comes to mind.  Jesus Christ.

I’m surrounded by idiots.

John comes up with the first few lines of the story about how Lil Jon is at a new school, isn’t cool and no one talks to him in the hall.  Then Jose gets all semantic about “no one” and thinks it makes the teachers look like they’re ignoring him too which sends a wrong message.  I never thought I’d say this, but Jose is overthinking this.

Jose says he thinks people don’t realize he’s creative but he’s written two books, so he got a little pissed off.  Hope he doesn’t start turning green.  Also, his books were on steroids and what the hell does that rhyme with?

All my friends were on the juice
We took so much, our skin was puce!
We shot ourselves full of delicious ‘roids
Now let’s call Domino’s and talk to the Noid!

John tells Jose to let it go or come up with a solution, not just bitch about the wording.  “Jose smashes baseballs, he doesn’t come up with rhymes,” he says as we hear baseball stadium organ music playing the “Charge” music.  Heh.

Now the women are trying to decide on the lion’s problem.  Uh, abusive father?  Crazy pedophilic brother who died from like an ether cocktail of some sort?  Talentless remaining brothers?  Overly pierced sister?  This lion is like the anti-Simba!

Hope says, “He cannot roar,” and everyone cheers!  Then LaToya says she was very shy and quiet as a child and Star says, “I have a title for you. ‘Why Can’t I Roar?’”  Lisa says it gave her chills and jumps up and down.

Then Marlee pipes in and signs it would be interesting that the one who teaches him how to roar is someone who can’t hear.  OMG, we get it, you are deaf, does it really need to be part of the story?  She’s worse than women with autistic children, yes, WE KNOW!  You don’t have to bring it up in every conversation.  And yes, WE KNOW your kid is the “highly functioning” one, whatever.

“NO,” Dionne says, “that’s not the idea of the story.”  Ah, crap, now I’m on the same side as Dionne?  Man, I’m an ass!  Marlee says she’s written children’s books and I see her put a hand on Dionne’s arm but Dionne is having none of it.  She’s really friendly, isn’t she?

F#ck Deafy and her golden statue!
And I love the Trump Water on the table.

She bitches she’s trying to give them the concept and then Marlee says something over her so Dionne gets all pissy.  She says the lion should go to each of the animals to get help and Marlee wants to know where they would go and Dionne throws her hands up like what the hell and says, “The damn supermarket!” Wow, angry much?  Maybe you should write the story, Why Is Grandma Violent?

Lisa does try to bridge the gap by saying they could add a deaf animal in the story who signs that he can’t help the lion and Dionne PUTS HER EARS IN HER FINGERS and says, “That is sad, okay?”  They clarify that she means not being able to hear and someone asks if she thinks Marlee’s sad.  Looking at her right now, she’s less sad and more PISSED.

This look actually made me pee a little.

Dionne says she doesn’t think Marlee’s sad but she says the kids won’t understand.  She rolls her eyes, sloughs off the questions and interviews she didn’t think 4-5 year olds were “ready for that kind of diversity.”  What if you did LaToya the Lion Has Two Mommies, would that story work?

Dionne continues to say they want to make the children feel happy when they leave, not feel sorry for the little deaf girl who has AN ACADEMY AWARD.  I weep for her and her gold statue.

Now here’s the best part.  The interpreter says, “I never took pity – “ and Dionne cuts him off saying, “YOU didn’t!” not realizing that HELLO, he’s the interpreter telling you what Marlee is saying and if you’d look at her while he was talking like you are SUPPOSED to you would know that.

Marlee signs that she didn’t feel sorry for herself and that you accept someone when they are deaf.  NeNe says, “Marlee was ready to take out her earplugs and was ready to fight.” Because she doesn’t want to hear Dionne scream?

That reminds me…I need some Poligrip.

Marlee interviews that “What Dionne said was completely ignorant.”  I know!  And you’d think Dionne would have had some way to see how this argument was going to go.  Some way to see the future!

Backbone is working with an illustrator who is making Lil Jon look like a nerd, it’s totally cute. It’s too harmonious here, let’s go back to Bitch Central.

Hardest working man in showbiz…if everyone else was sleeping.

Lisa asks if it’s LaToya the Lion or are they doing a happy-go-lucky-lion who is deaf.  Star asks Lisa if they are doing a fun children’s book or a heavier topic children’s book.  “You need to be more organized,” she chastises Lisa.  And here we go…

Lisa, in her frustration, immediately spats out about how they wanted her to be project manager and how they were going to support her.  Fool!  Lisa puts Star in charge of writing out the book and Dionne takes this as her cue to get Star on board with the “happy children’s book.” Marlee is pissed.  PISSED.

She has this look a lot during this episode.

Gary and Jose are delivering the props but no one is at that address.  Meat sent them to the wrong place but when he calls, Jose’s phone has died and it goes right to voicemail.

Also, do you ever really want to travel with Buddy Holly?

So they wait around 40 minutes instead of calling Meat.  He admits he’s frustrated and interviews he thinks he’s doing “horrible” as project manager. Then Gary picks his nose, looks at it and flicks it away.

That looks like one of the Gossip Girl

Meat finally calls Gary’s phone and Jose answers and gets totally pissed when Meat tells him to go to a different location.  Meat gives him the correct address and gives them the contact info.

They contact the woman at the theater and she immediately goes bitch-ass bat-shit crazy on them and tells them that the original address was the correct one and Jose is pissed for good reason.  She says, “Listen to me, I’m the boss, somewhere there is a snafu.”  There’s also a see you next Tuesday, isn’t there, bitch?  You do know you’re being taped, right?  Remember the release form you had to sign before they could audio tape you?

It’s all about the f#cking children

“Someone’s going to pay for this,” Jose says.  Judging by your police record, it will probably be the woman in your life.  Hope she’s dressed like a catcher when you get home, she’s going to need the protection.

Luckily, the other men are working together well and the story is coming together.  These boys can rhyme!  Don Jr. Jr. shows up to see how the team is doing and Meat interviews that “he really didn’t have time for him.”  Hope he doesn’t see the dailies on this one, Mr. Loaf.

Meat begins to explain the concept of the story and that’s when Jose and Gary show up pissing and moaning about wasting their time and the disorganization, and Gary starts talking nonsense to Don Jr. Jr.  Meat tells Gary to focus (ha!) because they all need to go to the costume shop and Gary is completely confused.  “What the hell happened?” he asks.

Your name is Gary, you’re in New York, you’re an actor…

Now, as much as I enjoy the Gary Busey-isms of the show, I checked The Wik to get the low-down on him and it’s not as much fun to make fun of him now.  When he had the motorcycle accident and wasn’t wearing his helmet, he had much more brain damage than initially thought.  The accident affected the brain’s ability to “filter” things out (wonder what my excuse is?).

So when Gary is confused or doesn’t really say things that make sense, it’s actually brain damage, not him just being a moron.  I mean, I’m sure the drugs and alcohol didn’t help, but it makes it harder to make fun of him.  Not impossible, but harder.  And I won’t let that no-helmet thing go…you do kind of get what you deserve if you are riding a motorcycle without a helmet…same with cars and seatbelts.  Darwin was right, people.  Anyhoo, just wanted to bring everyone up to speed on Gary’s confusion and need to “pick and look and flick.”  Again, loved The Buddy Holly story.

Don Jr. Jr. says the men are very “fragmented.”  Yeah, he should head over to Chick Central and see the “discombobulation” afloat over there.

Star reads the story out loud to everyone and Niki, God bless her, says, “Star, you are going to kill me, but a 4-5 year old doesn’t know what shy is…”  She interviews she thought the concept was a little too deep for 4-5 year olds.  Dionne gets a snotty look on her face and says, “Yes they do, yes they do, yes they do…”

To Niki’s credit, it looks like she ignores Dionne.  Lisa brilliantly says, “They don’t need to understand everything, the words go in and out,” and she motions with her hand over her head like it will be over the kids’ heads.  Yeah, this team is going down.

How do I say this?  Your concept SUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKS.

Lisa leaves Nene and Star to finish up the illustrations of the book while she takes the rest of the group to the rehearsal space to get the blocking “and the music” done.  Rut-roh, is Dionne “singing”????  Star says she never would have given this part of the project to someone else.  Ah, Lisa, we hardly knew ye.

There goes the lapband!

So the men head over to the costume shop and let’s just say mayhem ensues.  I love it when it does that.  Mark and Gary sort of get into it because Mark is trying to make Gary focus, and he says, “Mark, we’re equals here.”  Whatever gets you through the night, Gary.  Also, where did they find heels large enough for Jose?  He feels for women and high heels.  “Those things hurt.”  That’s why you should only wear them while in bed, duh.

Yep.

The women get to the rehearsal hall and they put Dionne with “the keyboard guy” according to Hope.  Dionne thinks very highly of herself and her talent and maybe at one time she kicked ass, but come on.  You are performing for 4-5 year olds now, take it down a notch!

Dressing like Bill Cosby will make you more popular with the kids.

The “keyboard guy” plays some music and when it stops, Lisa is supposed to begin talking.  She doesn’t for a split second and Dionne is like “LISA!” and she motions with her hands like “get going!”  Lisa does her lines, pantomimes crying, then tells the group that they don’t have to be perfect for the kids and Dionne cuts her off and says, “Okay Miss Lisa.  Let’s go.”  Oh bitch, it’s on. Lisa says she’s a huge fan of Dionne’s but not a huge fan of how she plays this game.

Where in the world is Matt Lauer?  Playing the keyboard for Dionne!

Don Jr. stops by and leers at everyone before asking who’s concept was most used and Dionne pops up with “MINE!  It is mine!” and Don Jr. is like, “So that’s it, huh?”  Don is sooo impressed.

Wow, you are a toootal bitch!

Don Jr. interviews, ”The concept is about a lion that’s lost it’s roar, but one of the criteria I gave them THIS MORNING was originality.  That is strikingly similar to The Wizard of Oz, probably one of the greatest children’s stories of all time.  They’re going to have to do a lot to make it original.”.  You know, either I’m slipping or I dozed off, but it never occurred to me that this was like the Cowardly Lion and his courage, but he didn’t really roar until he got his medal, right?  If they lose and lose on concept, I guess Dionne is out, right?  RIGHT LISA?  Ah, she’s too busy sucking up to Don to realize he just gave her an out if she needed it.

For whatever reason, Hope calls Star while Lisa WATCHES and tells Star to print out the cover, send to the printer for them to make posters and programs.  Star says there is no cover, they only approved a rough sketch of the cover…she says Lisa has to get back and do it.  Lisa asks Star if she feels comfortable doing it.  Of course she does!  But she ain’t gonna!  “No sweetheart,” she condescends, “this is your task.”  She tells Lisa she took on as much as she should be expected to do – and then some.

Lisa is pissed because Star bosses her around but doesn’t want to be in charge.  “Just own what you say you’re gonna do,” Lisa says.  You could take that advice too – OWN the task!  But Star knows what’s what – Lisa is trying to put her in charge for deniability in the boardroom should it come to that.  Then she says “True that” but it comes out “True dat.”  Oh, Star, don’t be a teenager trying to be a rap star.  Homie don’t play dat.  Wait – CRAP!

“If you try to take down the queen, make sure you kill her,” Star says.  Somewhere Oprah just shuddered.

Back in the women’s lair, everyone returns to see the book and they all love it.  Lisa talks about their groove and stride and all the love on the team.  She must have gone into the men’s area instead.  Marlee signs that they should add written and illustrated by ASAP.

And then it happens.  Egos blow loose like a cheap tire on the interstate.  Star wants to be listed as the author of the book before Team ASAP and not to be outdone, Dionne wants to be listed as the one who conceived the concept.  Conceive this:  NOBODY has that on a book, especially a children’s book.  Now be a good drag queen and TUCK IT BACK.  God!

How big is that room that it can hold both of these egos? 
It’s yoooooge!

Lisa is incredulous as are we ALL.  Marlee cannot believe her ears interpreter.  She signs that in her 25 years in the entertainment industry, she’s never seen such huge egos.  Really?  Because you worked with William Hurt back in the day.  But yes, Star and Dionne are arrogant bitches.

Talk about lesser gods!

The men are rehearsing late at night and I’m sorry, what is Lil Jon doing and/or what has he done besides sit there all day?  Yikes.  Anyway, their rehearsal goes well and Jose as a woman is hilarious.  However, he kinda sucks.  Very stiff but maybe the high voice is tripping him up.

I can’t believe I put this outfit together and have kept a straight face.

Lisa holds up the cover of the book and everyone loves it except Miss Thang, Dionne who says, “Why is it not the way it’s supposed to be?”  Such a command of the English language.  Lisa finally stands up for herself and says, “Because it was a team effort.”  She doesn’t want anyone singled out because “we all came up with this.” To which Dionne says, “No you didn’t.”

And here we go. Dionne says she came up with the idea and Star wrote it, but let’s be honest, didn’t Hope have something to do with the biggest part?  That the lion couldn’t roar?  Lisa says she’s on a sinking ship and no one is helping her out.  “I’m the captain of the Titanic.”  You’ve got that right.

LaToya starts crying and asking why they can’t put that stuff on the first page instead.  Star says, “LaToya I love you but suck it up, it’s business.”  Lisa flips out finally and says this is a book for 4-5 year olds so why are you all being like this and Star snots back, “Then give an instruction.” So she does.  It’s Team ASAP so shove it all the way with a red-hot poker, bitches.  Good for you!  Finally some backbone!

Lisa would rather get flies in her mouth
than believe the shit that’s coming out of yours!

Hope says she’s proud of Lisa for standing up.  She says she’s the one who came up with the lion not roaring thing and she wasn’t asking for credit.

Lisa and Dionne continue to get into it and Dionne says she doesn’t want to be spoken to like a 2-year old and Lisa tells her to just stop and Dionne acts like a 2-year old and says, “NO!”  Can you put the elderly in a time-out?  Because she needs like a 90 minute one.  Star is smirking.  All is going as planned!

Lisa interviews that she knows they are going to throw her under the bus after having begged her to take the project manager job.  “But I will not be taken down by a bunch of bitches, no way.”  True dat!  It will only be two specific bitches taking you down.

Showtime!  Lisa gives a pep talk to everyone and says look, let’s be there for the kids (vomit) and let’s not let pettiness get in the way of this.  Let’s win.  There is a pause and that total stupid bitch Star says, “Ladies and gentleman, Emmy-nominated actress Lisa Rinna.”  OMG YOU TOTAL BITCH!  That was so rude and uncalled for.  NeNe bursts out laughing and Lisa’s like, that’s so not nice.

Star gets pissed and tells Lisa they are all professionals so they don’t need the pep talk, then acts like she’s indignant at Lisa giving them the pep talk.  Granted, I don’t give a shit about the kids either, but come on.  I don’t think Lisa was being condescending, I think she just wanted everyone to calm the hell down and play nice.

Maybe she’s cranky because she realized
she forgot to wax this morning.

The men get backstage and want to get into their costumes immediately and Jose and Richard as ladies are hilarious.  Gary does some weird shit about how he’s a squirrel and oh I just don’t have the energy for him.

Steroids or hormone replacement therapy? 
Either way, we don’t need to see this!

Holly Robinson Peete and the book editor are judging the performances and Don Jr. and his family show up.  Aww, Trump is a grandpa many times over.  Heh.  There’s something about that situation that cracks me up.

Cute family – are they all as judgy as Trump the Senior?

Lisa is onstage reading the book and Marlee signs next to her.  Lisa says she connected with the kids and “to connect with an innocent child that is pure…that’s what’s real.”  Clearly she and I shop at different Targets because the kids there are real…BRATS.  Also, unless they are judging, you’re still screwed.

OH MY GOD, they are performing Cats!

Lisa interviews that the creativity came together at the end.  “Star is a micromanager and you can’t micromanage creativity, baby,” she says.  Well, YOU can’t manage a team PERIOD and so here we are.  Poor thing, she really was set up to fail, but she didn’t organize, delegate or lead.  She snaps her fingers.  Please stop that.  Unless you really are going to pass out chips afterwards.

Unless you are passing me a bag of Doritos, please stop doing this.

The men are up next.  Meat Loaf scares the shit out of the kids until he tells them his name and they all barf because nobody really like meatloaf, it’s usually so dry.  They tell their story and Jose looks like a freakshow in his Mrs. Canseco outfit.  Gary blows raspberries at the audience.  Then Lil John starts rapping and I worry the kids will start joining gangs.  Because there’s a direct correlation between music and violent behavior.

Scarring the children for life.

They seem to be doing well until the confetti comes flying out.  The kids freak out probably because they think it’s the strain of the flu they DIDN’T get the shot for.  The men all start singing A-B-Cs and 1-2-3s.  Then Meat Loaf interviews how proud he is of the team and he weeps.  Awww.  Star will eat him for lunch.

Trump meets with Holly and she loved both teams.  The men’s team had great rhymes but Mrs. Canseco was too stiff in the presentation.  Also, Meat Loaf read to himself.  He’s like 100, give him a break if he needs to look directly at the words.  The women’s team had a great presentation and the animals were wonderful, but the font was too small and – brace yourself – the CONCEPT of “be yourself” was a little too sophisticated for 4-5 year olds.  So basically, the CONCEPT SUCKED ASS.  I’m looking in your direction, Dionne.  It should be easy to fire her, right?

NeNe had a good time being a cock….

…and Richard, enjoy prison!

Boardroom!  Trump asks Meat Loaf who the star of the team was…he says everyone.  Everyone did a great job!  Gary said Meat Loaf did a great job.  Richard says Meat Loaf had a great project management style.  Don Jr. says Meat Loaf looked like he was in tears during the presentation.  “I was in the moment,” Meat says.  All the Trumps agree that passion is a good thing.

An it looks like Jose spent his downtime
bedazzling Meat Loaf’s jacket.

The only thing is that he felt Gary was difficult to manage from a focus standpoint but he’s got what it takes to perform.  Meat is very careful about how he says this to be diplomatic but Gary says he became the 5-year old through “naturalism.”  Hmm.  He calls Gary brilliant.  Did he see him pick his nose earlier?

Meat says he doesn’t know who he’d bring to the boardroom until “they all start talking at me.”  Good point.  I mean, they seem to have gotten along pretty well despite earlier bumps…and everyone did work at what they could do…it’s not like they had any slackers or truly any big egos (Richard seemed to keep his in check this week).

Now, over to the women.  I’m sure this will go smoothly.  Trump brings up Lisa’s reluctance to be project manager and she agrees she wanted to wait.  I don’t blame her.  He asks who would have been a better project manager and she misses this test and says, “Any of them,” which oooh, I knew Trump was going to come back to.  He asks if they pushed her into it and she says yes, they all did.

Are you sure this is the pose you want to strike?
Well, it will get you on Mel Gibson’s Christmas list!

Trump asks how she’s getting along with Star and they both indicate that they are learning how to deal with one another, meaning they hate each other with the heat of a thousand suns.  And it’s Don Jr. who picks up on the “any of them” comment.

He asks her if it was a sign of weakness that she just said anyone could have done a better job as project manager than she did.  She doesn’t answer the question but instead says she just wanted to wait longer to take the PM job.  She says she wasn’t so much bullied as much as they said they would help and support her through everything.

“And we did,” Star said.  Damn, she’s good.  Lisa looks at her like, not really, but she keeps her mouth shut because she’s trying to see which way the wind blows first.  I sort of don’t blame her because if she starts a shitstorm and they win, then she’s stuck eating breakfast with a bunch of bitches who want to eat her liver with their Lucky Charms.  And an angry breakfast is so not magically delicious.

Oh, man, then Trump goes off on Lisa’s lips and tells her how much more beautiful she looks now that she has normal sized lips instead of the duck lips she was sporting for too much time and seriously shut the hell up shut up shut up!  Talk about her breasts instead.

Et tu, Trump?

He asks Dionne what she thought of Lisa and Dionne snickers and says, “I thought Lisa had a lot to learn.”  Personally, I would have retorted, “You mean like dealing with ginormo egos?” but Lisa stays quiet.  Trump is surprised and asks what she did wrong.

Dionne says she wasn’t organized, forgot things, etc. but she says the women’s team won “without a doubt” which is editing code for they lost.  Trump tells her she just jinxed it.

What?  I’m just a sweet old grandma with no malice.

NeNe says Lisa did a bad job and she was bummed about it.  She was sure Lisa would have control over the group but she didn’t.  She doesn’t say this in a mean way, she’s very matter-of-fact and absolutely spot-on.  Lisa seems like a tough broad and I went into this thinking she’d be a great competitor.  But last week she was so angry and bitchy so fast, I just couldn’t like her.  I figured she’d be a formidable project manager but the truth is, her complaint is worse than her bite.  She likes to armchair project manage and that’s too bad.  Mostly for the ratings.

He asks Star what she thought of Lisa and Star takes my word!  “I thought Lisa was formidable,” she says.  Damn, I must have used the psychic friends to write it before Star said it!  She says after last week she really thought Lisa would be good.  Yeah right…she knew Lisa was going to falter, she TOLD us in the beginning.  She says Lisa has a big voice and big attitude but can’t organize or lead worth shit.  Star totally lies and says Lisa had people who had her back.  Yeah, only because they were busy plunging the knife into it.

The teams swap books and the men immediately notice the font is too small.  Meat put on his glasses and Gary says he can’t read it.  The women like the men’s book and Marlee says she’d buy it for her kids.  Marlee signs that it is a beautiful book, but she still likes the women’s better.  The men thought the women’s book was good but they couldn’t see the font and they had rhymes so go suck on a lime.

Don gives the feedback from Holly and editor…they liked how Lisa showed the book to the kids as she read, liked LaToya in her role and “liked the integration of the Jackson family” in the book (you have GOT to be kidding me!) and the repetition of the story.  However, they felt the lion character wasn’t fleshed out in the book and the font was too damn small.  The also thought the CONCEPT was too sophisticated for kids.  Ooh, sucks to be you, Dionne.

Don Jr. Jr. tells the men the rhyme and the story was perfect and age-appropriate.  They thought Jose was stiff (oh come on) and they thought the confetti scared the kids.  Also, Meat should have held up the book when he read.

So…the winners are…THE MEN!  Meat weeps.  Aww.  He gets $20,000 for his charity, an organization which enables chronically ill children go to camp.  Also, the book is going to be published and all proceeds will be going to charity too.  Double aww!

Victory is ours!

Now go back to the suite and watch the women turn on each other like rabid hyenas!

FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK.

Trump tells Lisa he thinks she’s been holding back.  And here’s where I know Lisa is going to go to town and trounce all over everyone.  Except she doesn’t!  She says she didn’t feel supported by her team emotionally.  Yeah, that’s not their job, it’s Harry Hamlin’s.  She says Dionne didn’t and Star “supports the way Star supports,” and Star asks what more Lisa wanted from her and this is where I know Lisa is going down.  “Kindness,” she says.  This show ain’t about that.  And she says it like 5 times…kindness, kindness, kindness, kindness and suddenly the word sounds really funny and has lost all meaning.

Lisa says that Star wrote the book and Dionne created the book.  Now, since one of the reasons we lost was because of the CONCEPT, I think her bringing that up should have been the perfect move.  I also would have been more forceful in bringing up the egos and the needing the credit to show that Dionne really DID feel she was responsible for the CONCEPT.

Trump asks Star if she really did want her name on the book and Star turns it into a group thing, that “we talked about it,” which is so lame.  You know you asked for it.  Then Dionne admits she wanted her name on it since she created the CONCEPT and she was pissed Lisa decided on Team ASAP instead.

Then Star acts all innocent and says she’s really shocked at Lisa.  She said she promised to have a knife in Lisa’s back, then Lisa spent the first two hours of the task running around like a chicken with its head cut off.  Lisa makes the David Cassidy Move™ and asks her team if she “ran around like a chicken with its head cut off completely?” and the completely catches me.  Yes, actually, completely.  And you shouldn’t have added that.

Don Jr. jumps all over that saying clearly there was some element of confusion.  You know, he’s my new George I like him so much.  Then Lisa admits she has a lot to learn as a project manager and Star giggles.  Really, Star?  Jesus, you are acting worse than Lisa did last week.  Bunch of bitches.  Lisa says it’s not fair that Star is giggling.  Then she says she did the best she could with what she had.  Which included a few egomaniacal, loud, backstabbing haters.

Trump says clearly Star and Dionne are on the same wavelength and Star tries to drag everyone down.  “I’m shocked the others aren’t agreeing,” she says.  Trump nails it when he says they are all trying to stay under the radar.  No shit.

We were just going sit quietly while you all got fired.

NeNe says she thinks they are all wrong, but she does agree that Lisa was not a good project manager.  Then Trump calls Dionne out for saying she had no doubt that they won the task and Don Jr. Jr. picks up on that.

He asks Star since she wrote the book which was 2/3 of the assignment, doesn’t the loss really fall on her shoulders?  Heh.  LISA, ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?!?!?!  Get Star on this.  Then Trump asks who came up with the CONCEPT (he calls it theme but I’m on a roll) and they say Dionne, and he says since they lost largely on the theme, shouldn’t Dionne get fired?  LISA!  That’s your second clue!  Star says, “Not under any circumstances.”

Trump reiterates the theme was too sophisticated for kids and Lil Jon yells at the TV, “Hell no, they don’t even know who the f#ck they are yet.”  Talk about sophisticated!

Then Star flat-out lies or lives in her own universe and says that the whole group agreed to the theme and Niki leans forward and says she didn’t agree.  She said it was too mature and she SAID SO.  But she also says Lisa had a tough job as PM because of the personalities on the team.  She’s being very diplomatic and adorable.

Don Jr. isn’t letting the book and theme go, God bless him.  He asks the rest of the team that since they LOST on the book and the theme and Star and Dionne took ownership of that, shouldn’t that put the focus on them instead of Lisa?  And this is where Lisa should have said, I may need work as a project manager, but since we lost on those two key points, both of those egos should be fired.  Come on Lisa, you must have it in you somewhere!  What happened to bitchy pizza Lisa?  Also, could the Trumpettes be teeing this up any easier for Lisa?

Trump asks LaToya who she’d fire and she says she’d look closely at the project manager. Way to be passive aggressive, she can still hear you if you don’t say her name.  He asks Marlee her thoughts.  Oh, this is going to be good!

She signs she would fire Dionne, but not because of the CONCEPT.  She signs that Dionne intimidates her as a person, she has a very strong personality, she’s very blunt, and people tell her she’s a legend, to which Trump says, “Don’t you know she’s a legend?” and Marlee’s like, dude, pay attention, I can’t hear so I have no idea if she’s good or bad.  Trump wants to know why she would fire her.

C….U….N….

Marlee signs that sometimes it was the language she used and the feeling she was demeaned in front of the others.  Yeah, like when Dionne had the conversation with your interpreter instead of you and that she said she didn’t want people feeling sad for the poor little deaf girl who has an Academy Award.

She’s either cursing out Dionne or
telling Trump to steal second base.

Lisa has to pick two people to bring back and she chooses Star and Dionne.  Like someone said in the minicap comments, she should have brought back Dionne and Marlee so they could get rid of that old bag of nasty, angry deaf-hating bones.

Dad, I’m going to need more money to keep dealing with Dionne.

Here’s what is so interesting about this whole boardroom…I think Trump really wanted to keep Lisa and he and the Don Jrs gave her every chance to tee up one of the other women to be kicked off.  In fact, they pretty much handed her the CliffsNotes on what to say, where to place blame and how to stay and she just cannot get out of her own way.  I think Lisa was defeated when she went in there – she is dealing with strong personalities.

Worst cocktail party ever.

Trump says he’s not seeing much fight out of Lisa and that Star and Dionne are just killing her.  How funny would it have been if she had played the race card?  “They’re prejudice against whitey!”  Except Lisa is pretty much bronze.  But man, that would have had the forums screaming.

Lisa says she’s a fighter but only to a certain extent, and that extent was the end of their brainstorming session.  She says she won’t fight dirty but Trump says he doesn’t think they are fighting dirty.  Lisa says it’s negative energy and Trump agrees.

Dionne says she’s surprised Lisa isn’t fighting harder.  Really?  You sucked the life out of her, probably trying to get the calcium from her bones into yours.  She says Lisa is always feisty so she doesn’t know why she’s “crumbling.”  Lisa perks up and says she’s not crumbling and they all thought they had won.  Trump points out they didn’t and so now they are in a different mode, try to keep up, Lisa!

We’re going to serve you your own ass for lunch, sweet cheeks.

I’m so bummed she doesn’t bring up the book writing/concept thing and focus on how the two of them essentially lost the task for the team.  She might have been able to push Dionne out.

Lisa reiterates that she did the best she could with what she had, she was not the best project manager and she has a lot to learn.  Way to call yourself a loser.

Don Jr. asks Star if she’d say the things Lisa just said and Star is like hell no, pretty boy.  She says this show is a charitable endeavor and a business and Lisa’s right, she does have a lot to learn but this show isn’t the forum for that.  Oh burn!  Good one!

Star continues by saying they are earning money for well-deserving charities and the contestants need to bring their A-game.  Okay, points off for the cliché but she does have a point.  Screw the children, think of the charities!  Unless they include children, then think of them both!

Lisa says that is a strong statement but it’s very judgmental. Say-what-now-huh?  She says Star doesn’t know her, she begged her to be project manager, “You threw me under the f#cking bus and I won’t take it!”  Star looks shocked but don’t act like Barbara Walters didn’t throw around an f-bomb a time or two.

They psychics didn’t see that f-bomb coming!

Lisa says they wanted her as project manager so they could get her fired, then she kind of pulls a Sheen and says, “I’m a threat to you” to Star.  Star, totally calm, says, “You’re a threat to me yet you relied on me completely….you led in fear.”  Ouch.  And?  True.

Trump tells Lisa she didn’t have to take the PM job and she replies with, “I guess I crumbled under the pressure.”  Wrong answer!  Trump is like you shouldn’t be admitting to me as a judge that you crumbled under pressure, you aren’t a great leader, can I get a doyeee over here?

Lisa, we’re giving you your out on a silver gold-encrusted platter!

He tells Lisa that Star is playing her like a child and so Dionne in her own special way.  Star says she thinks the reason Lisa isn’t fighting is because she knows they are telling the truth, and she is “at her core, an honest person.”  Wow, that was totally awesome how she did that!  Not only is she a lawyer, she plays one on TV!  That was brilliant…Lisa’s an idiot but she knows it because she so honest.

Lisa says she would fire Dionne because she isn’t a team player.  WRONG!  It’s because she’s the one who came up with the – say it with me now – the LOSING CONCEPT.  Trump tells her not being a team player isn’t why you lost.  He said he could have gotten behind her decision if she had said it was because Dionne came up with the item-that-shall-not-be-named.

Don Jr. finally loses it because they are handing Lisa her way out and she’s not getting it.  He says if he were project manager, she should be ALL OVER THE FACT that they lost because of the two items that Star and Dionne worked on – the story and the concept.  “We’ve even said it a few times and you’re not doing it,” he blurts out. Maybe she’s too stressed to see it?

“I’m giving you points, Don’s giving you points…we’re all giving you points…but you’re having a hard time with it.”  So get to the point.

I’m trying something new this week…LISA, PULL MY FINGER!

HA!  Just kidding.  Trump says, “Lisa, you’re fired!”

Lisa exits the boardroom alone and heads down the long dark shaft of loserdom.  The Trumpettes all agree she had no fight.  And now they are going out for some scotch and stinky cigars.

Talk about Emmy- nominated…before Lisa gets into the cab, she turns and looks longingly at Trump Tower.  Probably wondering how to kidnap Star’s dog and dye it hot pink.  She interviews it was an honor to work for “Mr. Trump.”  Aww…then she says she got thrown under the bus.  “Do I think Donald made the right decision? No.  Are you f#cking kidding me?”  And there you go.

Any last words?  Ah, it’s all about the innocent children!

Next week…Camping task!  Hate!  Gary is the men’s project manager so it will be fun to watch especially in the boardroom where he gets fired.  See you next week!