Auditiongasm 1: Law and Order UK

We asked for submissions, and you guys sent in about fifty recaps! It took most of the long weekend to read them all, but our panelists have chosen their three faves and asked them to add screenshots for your reading pleasure. We will be presenting them throughout the week. Do you like these recappers as much as we did? Let us know in the comments section, and while you’re at it, give us a show you’d like to see them recap. The final round will be a head to head battle for the title! Thanks to everyone who entered this season!

And now, without further adieu, please welcome your first fighter!

Law and Order UK: When the British do Something Right

Their teeth, accents and even taking showers. There isn’t many things the British are good at. But there is one thing..

Criminal justice baby. Best fucking show since SVU.

I don’t think I need to go too in depth into the ‘plot’ of this series. If you’ve seen Law & Order already, you’ve seen the basic formula. Someone dies or is seriously injured within the first 20 seconds of the episode. By minute twenty, we think we have a suspect, who NEVER turns out to be the correct suspect then we find the real suspect, who’s always the guy that was totally unsuspecting, we lock them up and we get some funky suspecting sounding music. It’s a trademark formula they’ve been using for decades, it kinda works.. and it kinda doesn’t. Season one is like the poster child of witty writing, fantastic acting and stellar story lines. (read: episodic crap) We deal with alot of typical crazy gynecologists and Charlie Brown pedophiles, then sprinkle some african babies in there and you got yourself season one. Six episodes of deductive madness!

To say alot happens in these lengthy six episodes would make me a dirty liar. NOT much happens, but may I remind you, this is Law and Order not the season finale of Lost. These episodes exist to keep Dick Wolf out of the asylum. Along this crazy adventure we get some character development and a lot of british lines I still can’t translate. However, the UK version lacks the MYSTERY of a criminal detective show.

I KNOW the first guy they catch is never the guy. EVERYONE knows that, they need to mix it up a bit. Throw in some fish and chips.

And for heaven’s sake, we have two male detectives. I’ve watched 10 episodes, not once, did they shoot anyone. Or anything for that matter! I want some aggression. KILL SOMETHING. In SVU, the Elliot guy would smash people’s faces in like walnuts.

How they recruited Elliot Stabler into the force.

All in all, when has content been a faulty area of Law and Order? Almost never. I’m more worried about how long I can endure all the queerness of British culture, which is abundant in this show. The episodic formula kind of spreads it out but, I already sense the little character dramas that are going to be main themes in later episodes. So, I don’t think it’s going to get too tiring, yet. But it’s still Law & Order so yeah.. Don’t count the sheep yet. The flock hasn’t arrived.

Here is the layout of season one, ladies. (I know the 70% of tvgasm readers have some form of a vagina)

Episode one; We find a baby, baby is dead, turns out baby killed by the Tenant(a british word for BOSSMAN Of building) cause he sabotaged the heater. which leaks poison of death. Oops spoiler.

Episode two: Female lawyer(recurring bitch) convinces jury that there are genes that make you into an aggressive prick and gets kid off for killing some other kid. Drama.

Episode three: Detective thinks detective’s corrupt. He spends 40 minutes in character development and ruins several lives (mine) during the process. In the end the cooler Sherlock Holmes detective pulls out the win.

Episode four: Lawyer dude gets his balls manhandled. Being a criminal is cool.

Episode five: PEDOPHILES are invading your anus. You would never guess who the child toucher is. The father. I KNOW RIGHT?!? WHAT A MYSTERY!!!

Episode six: I actually didn’t watch this episode.

Episode seven: Male gynecologists. Alert, alert, alert. Any dude whose not shy about asserting how obsessed he is with the vagina is not a man to be trusted. With anything ladies!

Yeah, don’t forget the dollies. lol, British.

The casting is done very well. usually these shows have a bunch of overly hotsy women and men who don’t even look 21, let ALONE like a veteran police officers.(Fringe) This show, while indeed having an attractive cast. They don’t try to shove it down your throat. good looks are subtle in this show.

I mean, when was the last time I could just watch a show without my hormones going rampant? I like this new subtle approach to casting. usually the overly hot ones can’t act for beans. And who else doesn’t want to see another blond lead? yeah, fucking everyone. Casting gets a A+, they all can act, they aren’t in my face about how hot they are. (In SVU, Elliot Stabler took off his shirt like once a week, I don’t want to see your sexy body dude. STOP) So I’m happy and I think anyone whose older than 14 will be happy. Seriously gents, if you want porn go to booble, don’t force your horniness onto my stuff. I don’t come into your house, piss in your coffee and tell you it’ adds additional flavor.

As for the actual characters of the show? Well.

Detective Sergeant Ronnie Brooks

This dude reminds me of Sherlock Holmes. Granted, the only trait they share is being British detectives. Yes, he’s the detective. Let me repeat that, he’s British and he’s a detective. You would think that would be a disaster of a combination, wouldn’t you? But, this dude will be interrogating some cokeheads and say some British line like “let’s take a gander up your blouse” and, the ladies just confess. He’s amazing. Solid, solid character. him and the next guy make some detective duo and it just works. IT WORKS. Usually holly-fail would make it mandatory that the partnership be male and female. THE UK VERSION isn’t scared of being gay, it’s two males and it works better than penetration sex.

Detective Sergeant Matt Devlin

The younger, manlier partner of Sherlock Holmes, he would be Watson, if Watson would ditch that ridiculous top hat. He’s not as seasoned as the other detective, but, he has a Ph.D in Badassery. He isn’t like Elliot, who’s all “answer me or I’ll get out my shovel”. This guy will intimidate you with his British eyes. Also, seeing as him and the only bang-able chick on the show are about the same age. I suspect he’ll be getting mad play later. Very soon, later.

Senior Crown Prosecutor James Steel

Our lawyer of the show. What do I say? He’s cool as fuck. he wears that goofy ass lawyer wig and pulls it off better than his ACTUAL hair. Guy rapes in the courts and his character is always like “I got dis bitch on lock-down”. Unfortunately this show screws with him a lot, I think he’s lost like 20 of his cases. 20 cases in 6 shows. I still love you James Steel.

Our lawyer of the show. What do I say? He’s cool as fuck. he wears that goofy ass lawyer wig and pulls it off better than his ACTUAL hair. Guy rapes in the courts and his character is always like “I got dis bitch on lock-down”. Unfortunately this show screws with him a lot, I think he’s lost like 20 of his cases. 20 cases in 6 shows. I still love you James Steel.

Junior Crown Prosecutor Alesha Phi-wait, who the fuck is this dustmite?

Junior Crown Prosecutor Alesha Phillips

There we go! Alesha Phillips. aka, bangable, aka, rape inbound, aka, complicated love triangles, aka bitches be in trouble. I’ve said this before, nothing is better than female leads that aren’t useless like the gymset in my house. Alesha hasn’t been useless, yet. Nor is there some domestic abuse past or some stupid crud like father issues or AGH. You know the stupid feminist crap they pull out. THIS woman is perfectly clean and has no dodgy bullshit we have to sweat 3 episodes through. That alone makes her, probably, the best female character in existence. All female leads please follow her example.

Director of CPS London George Castle

Old guy in the show. Oldest guy who has the most power. I don’t like this guy. he does nothing. He just says some stuff like twice an episode and I’m like, why pay this guy? Apparently what he says is like “eye-opening” but all I hear is some old tart going off about how much experience he has. Get a haircut you hobo.

There you have it, a nice neat recap of the entire series, now you don’t have to watch it! Aren’t you lucky. But seriously the show is dynamite, watch it.

Typical British Bloke

Typical British foreplay

Typical British banter

Typical British mispronunciation