Auditiongasm 2012: Long Island Medium Fighter Two

Long Island Medium – Episode 13 “Uneasy” 

by Fighter Two

 We open with Oda Mae Brown, I mean, Medium Theresa Caputo taking her daughter, Victoria, to Optix Eye Care. 

Theresa says “I don’t know what we are doing here?”  

It’s an eyeglass shop … so, maybe you are there to get glasses?  Furthermore, aren’t you a psychic/medium?  Surely you could have foreseen, at least, part of this and deduced that you are there for glasses? Perhaps when you walked in the store you could have asked “Is someone here for glasses?”  and Victoria could have raised her hand, you could have been shocked and then you could all gotten on the same page.   

Victoria has very bad eyesight and wears contacts.  Victoria wants glasses for the “Geek Chic” look.  Theresa says she must have “Missed the memo, that this look is now cool.”  Please refer to paragraph above… she couldn’t have foreseen this trend?  Well, wtf am I talking about?  Her wig is from the Carol Brady Collection circa 1972.  Not exactly today’s style.   Did you miss the Memo about that too?  

Oh no, Teresa is starting to get hot and nervous.  Menopause?  Is your wig too tight?  Nope… it’s SPIRIT.   (It’s never “I sense spirits” it’s always SPIRIT- singular.) 

Victoria, who is so over this horsesh*t says “Don’t blow me off!  They can wait!”  Honey, TLC is buying you some new glasses, just shut it and get on board this train. 

 Theresa asks “Did someone lose their father”  

 Miraculously, the sales woman did, about a year and half ago.  “Oh, ok.  Because your Dad is here with us now.”  

The sales woman says “My mom is here.”  What a coincidence!  And she just happens to have signed this rights and clearances form and is dressed in her Sunday best.  Theresa introduces herself to the mother and said “I looked at her when she walked in.”  You are standing in store, the door opens, a bell rings and you look up.  That’s normal, right or am I a psychic/medium?  

The mother explains that she has felt her husband around here, especially today, you know, when the cameras are around.  Teresa asks if the husband was unconscious at the end (I’m sorry, but she had a 50/50 shot at that one).  Yes, he was, she explains.  And the whole time Theresa is clutching this poor old woman’s hands.  HOLY MANICURE.  Theresa has large talons.  

Theresa says that the father wants to know about his ring?  They go through a whole story about the husband’s wedding ring and that the grandson just got married with the ring.  Theresa explains that by doing that the father is giving the grandson his blessing, and he is grateful they didn’t hock the ring.   

Theresa wants to know where the wedding was because she sees water (which, btw, Long Island is surrounded by…) and mansions.  The sales lady is shocked because the wedding was in Newport, Rhode Island.  The husband showed this scene to Theresa so he MUST have been there… or seen the photographer’s proofs or told the producers in his pre-interview. 

Teresa said “So today you received a beautiful message from your husband” and a nice check from TLC.  Of course, the sales lady is crying, the mother is crying, Theresa is hugging them… and Victoria is like “I want my effing glasses.”   

COMMERCIAL

“From what SPIRIT has told me when we die and our soul goes to the other side it learns lessons and we are able to express things we were unable to in the physical world.”  Theresa says to the camera.  

May I take a moment here to note that you can see white all the way around the iris of her eye?  I happen to think that this is a sign of being criminally insane.  

Theresa is doing a private “cha-ching” reading for a lady named Emma from Huntington Station.  Emma explains that she would like to have a private reading with Theresa to see if the spirit of her ex-husband, her daughter’s father, can come through.  Because she wasn’t done making his life a living hell when he was alive.  She is doing the reading for her daughter… who is nowhere to be found.