Auditiongasm 2012: Long Island Medium Fighter Two

Theresa arrives at her house, which, of course, is lit up with candles.  Because Mediums can’t work in fluorescent.  

Theresa explains to Emma that SPIRIT uses her as a vessel.  

 Theresa starts to nervously bite and lick her lips.  I interpret that as a sign that SPIRIT is coming through.  Of course, my dog does this too before he has an epileptic seizure.  Let’s just hope for the best.  

 Like clockwork, the ex-husband’s spirit comes through and says “Molly… you in danger girl.”  Whoops! Sorry, wrong spirit.  

Theresa says that the ex is calling her “Em.”  Emma is floored and starts to cry?  The ex must REALLY be coming through because- how could Theresa have known that????  No one named “Emma” is EVER called “Em.”  Theresa explains, for those us without a working brain “Em is a nickname for Emma.”  Ohhhhhhh.  I did not know that.  

Jason, the ex husband, says through Theresa that their marriage wasn’t perfect.  Emma concurs that he had a hard time dealing with life and that was the downfall of their marriage.  Emma explains that despite all of the bad times that Jason did wonderful things with his daughter.  And they flash to a picture of Jason passed out on a couch with his daughter.  Yeah.  Looks wonderful.  

Emma says that they used to play guitar together, and write songs.  Songs had these, seemingly psychic, lyrics:  “I could lift you up to heaven and sit you on a cloud… you are… the one for me.”  Someone phone Clive Davis, he’ll want to sign this musical genius and her SPIRIT Daddy.

Jason committed suicide one year ago and Theresa explains that Jason takes responsibility for his passing.  And he gives permission for Emma’s husband to be their daughter’s Dad.  Emma is floored because her current husband would like to adopt her daughter. 

“OH MY GAWD!!!”  Theresa exclaims, slapping her cheeks with both hands?!?!?  

Theresa says “Jason knows that his life meant something.”  Hey, it got him on Long Island Medium.  Not too shabby for a dead guy.  

The scene ends with Theresa thanking Emma for “the privilege of contacting your loved ones.”  And…here’s the bill, cash is preferred.  

COMMERCIAL

Back at Casa Caputo, Larry (Theresa’s husband) has been hiding in a secret room… working out.  He’s building his strength in hopes to make his escape.  But Theresa has found him and wants to know what he’s doing?  He’s working out- and Theresa tells him to stop because he’s going to kill himself.  Would that really matter? You could still be his vessel, dear.  

When some men hit a mid-life crisis, some men get sports cars… it seems that Larry likes to get ink.  He wants to get “sleeves.”   Theresa isn’t unsupportive but wants to know what he is thinking of getting.  So Larry whips out some drawing that appear as though they were done on a Etch-a-Sketch, and explains that he wants a “Koi Fish.”

“WHY?!?!!? You aren’t a fisherman!!” Theresa queries

Larry, the philosopher, reading from cue cards “The Koi Fish represents perseverance and courage.”  Both of which he needs to wake up next to Theresa everyday.  Larry further explains that the Koi fish swims upstream into a waterfall and turns into a dragon and then we have six more weeks of winter.  

Theresa doesn’t understand, but she’ll be there “Koi fish and all… cock-a-doodle-do.”

And… we segue into the next scene of Theresa, up with the roosters to do a radio spot on 98.3 KJOY.  Her wig is on slightly crooked, but never mind- hopefully she can still channel SPIRIT through that thing. 

The DJ, who has the perfect face for radio, wants to “get inside” Theresa’s head.  I wouldn’t attempt that if I were you.  It’s hard to find your way out through that polyester weave.    The DJ wants to know what the SPIRIT are doing.  Theresa says that there are “500 of them just staring at me.”  It’s the wig Theresa- put that bitch on straight and they’ll stop staring.  

Mr. DJ wants to know what Teresa thinks about skeptics.  Because you know where this is going, right?  Theresa explains that she respects them and that they don’t have to believe.   The DJ’s sidekick looks like she is about to cry… honey, we aren’t to that point in the script yet.  Wait for your cue.