And now, your second fighter in this season’s Auditiongasm! Comment!
Hey guys. Tvgasm fans each day are treated to fantastical snarky recaps of the latest antics of Heidi and Spencer, those Jersey Housewife trannies and the manic depressive Lost doctor Jack Shephard.
Each bring drama to our small screens, but to be honest, they don’t hold a candle to the original queen of drama: Alexis Carrington Colby.
So kiddies, it’s time to learn the origin of drama.
Let’s take a walk down memory lane, to the ‘80s, a time of excess, a recession and massive oil spill. Wow some things never change.
Episode from Season 4, “The Accident”
The opening credits
Like a sweet ‘80s reverse paper shredder, scenes of the Carrington mansion and mountains flash across the screen. Then just in case you don’t know the name of the DVD you popped in, DYNASTY in old school yellow font appears. Hmm that font looks familiar. Could it be the same font used for the opening themes of Family Matters and Full House?
“Whatever happened to predictability –
The milk man, the paper boy, evening TV?”
Mmm that takes me back. Anyway, here comes our cast. First there’s Blake, next Crystal descending the stairs with her winged hair, Fallon looking surprised we know she’s a whore, the enigmatic Ken Doll Jeff, evil Carrington first-born Adam, Crazy Claudia and Loreal Stephen 2.0.
“Why yes, I use Superior Preference by Loreal. It was highly recommended
to me by my ex-wife Sammi-Jo. She tells me I’m worth it.”
Wow this opening is long. Here come some more people…OMG is that Dimitri Marick a.k.a. Erica Kane’s fifth husband?
Some might say I have a type: skinny rich bitches with big hair.
Blake is in his library a.k.a. Carrington bat cave and Krystal, hair freshly frosted, is inquiring if everything is alright. Blake recaps the latest happenings, Kirby (isn’t that a Pokemon character?) being sick, the horse was kidnapped and oh yeah, someone pissed in his cheerios this morning.
Meanwhile back at the hospital…
Kirby is still bedridden with super high blood pressure and finds out that her child with Adam is dead. Adam’s hair btw is looking very Legoman-chic.
So I guess based on my shirt we’ll be building a spaceship today, Timmy?
Kirby freaks and finally expresses how much she hated her unborn child almost as much as Ellen Ripley hated her alien spawn.
But mama Ripley, you don’t really want to…hurt me???
At the hotel…
Claudia is wearing an all-white ensemble after Labor Day and surprisingly Fallon doesn’t have her shot, but I guess she realizes who would run the hotel? Fallon is going on and on about her latest boy toy Peter and their impending nuptials. Claudia doesn’t understand why everything has to be so madcap to which Fallon replies, “Madcap is my middle name.”
“I thought your middle name was Prophylactic.”
Claudia attempts to warn Fallon about Peter, telling her that he made a pass at her. Fallon brushes her off, telling her that’s just Peter’s way of complimenting other women. Yeah, and shaking dicks instead of hands is a normal way of saying “nice to meet you.” Maybe in your house Fallon, or at a rest stop George Michael frequents.
Someone has taken the liberty of constructing a corkboard filled with Carrington newspaper clippings. Hmm could this be a journalist or perhaps crazy Renee vision board lady from Jason Mesnick’s season of The Bachelor.
My vision board gives me lots of things except for one thing, a neck.
At first it appears to be Alexis and one of her many men, until it becomes apparent that she isn’t smoking and doesn’t have a British accent. FAKE!
Turns out Blake’s secretary is feeding information to the press. How very cliché. Guess she needs the extra money. Those Ogilvie perms can be expensive.
Yeah, your hair will look this…NOT!
Fallon stops by the Carrington mansion to visit her son just as Jeff descends the stairs. Before heading off to “work,” Jeff asks Fallon what’s up with her and Peter. He tells her he’s heard Peter owns assorted businesses and hotels all over the world to which Fallon replies “Why yes, six assorted continents including Pangaea.”
It comforts me to know that Pangaea never disappeared. That must mean the world is still flat! Someone owes me a Rolex.
After that enlightening conversation, Jeff leaves but doesn’t make it very far before getting a flat tire. A man with his shirt completely unbuttoned pulls up and begins changing Jeff’s tire. That’s the way Colbys roll: open-shirt tire changers always on-call (btw Colby Corp. offers a comprehensive 401k package and SPF 50).
Open-shirt man tells Jeff that Blake is still disturbed about the horse kidnapping incident.
Do you have any idea what it was like telling Sarah Jessica Parker that her aunt was kidnapped?
Concerned, Jeff blows off “work,” turns around and heads home to talk to Blake.
Jeff and Blake deduce that the horse trainer Tony was probably roofied and that’s how SJP’s aunt was able to be horse-napped.
Back at La Mirage Hotel…
Awesome flossom married couple Loreal Stephen 2.0 and Crazy Claudia are partaking the goods at CiCi’s Buffet.
Ultimate Pizza Experience. For realz!
Stephen gets a salad since Fallon refused to split that Toblerone earlier, and he ate the entire bar. Claudia gets two meatballs and a single noodle because dream dead-daughter Lindsay called her a fat ass last night.
Finally Alexis gets screen-time….
Following lunch, Stephen goes to visit mommy dearest Alexis. After asking if he looks cute in this hat, he sits down and bitches about Crazy Claudia’s dead-daughter Lindsay dream and random dead-husband Matthew Blaisdale Lancelot flower packages.
Nonplussed, Alexis shrugs until she gets the feeling that Stephen thinks it’s her.
Just b.c. I conveniently decided to go clay shooting near Krystal, causing her horse to buck and her to fall resulting in a miscarriage, doesn’t mean that I’m responsible for this too.
Alexis defends herself and Stephen grudgingly believes her. After all, she has kept his secret all these years: he’s not a natural blonde.
I want to kiss you through the phone…
On the other side of town, Jeff is cruising around talking on his sweet car phone.
“Girl you know I miss you
I just want to kiss you
But I can’t right now so baby kiss me thru the phone”
He’s managed to prove that Peter, Fallon’s man piece, is the one responsible for the horse kidnapping.
While Jeff is cruising, Alexis manages to meet with a ton of people. Could this woman possibly have connections through Jerrica Benton and is projecting holograms of herself via red sparkly earrings? Alexis meets with:
*Crazy Claudia to discuss the dead ex-husband Matthew Blaisdale’s Lancelot flowers,
*Blake to discuss their mentally unbalanced once kidnapped as a small child, now grown adult son Adam Carrington poisoning Jeff with lead last season,
*Erica’s husband Dimitri Marick to turn down his marriage proposal,
*Her tennis playing bodyguard and fires him,
*Fallon to tell the gossip she has on Peter courtesy of Maria Elena.
Back at the Denver Carrington office…
Krystal, the Julie Chen of Denver Carrington, is “working” until she is interrupted by the Vision Board Secretary. V.B. Secretary shoves a tabloid in Krystal’s face. Confused Krystal is like WTF?!?!? V.B. Secretary tells Krystal she should stand up for herself and stop the vicious tabloid lies.
Krystal takes the Ghandi approach and declines. Besides, she is due to get her roots done in an hour. Simply not enough time in the day.
Meanwhile Jeff is still driving and talking on his car phone. Ah, the good old days when it was still legal to talk on your phone and drive at the same time.
“No this can’t wait. Did you see what Scott Baio was wearing on “Charles in Charge” last night?”
He calls Blake and tells him to meet him at La Mirage Hotel.
At La Mirage Hotel…
Jeff attempts to explain to Fallon that Peter is responsible for SJP’s aunt being horse-napped. Fallon refuses to believe him on account for him thinking Pangaea is still real and that he discussed Scott Baio’s “Charles in Charge” outfit without her.
Fallon storms out of the room and goes to track down Peter’s own Farnsworth Bentley. To her dismay, she learns that Jeff is actually right.
Outside Jeff is waiting for Blake when a drunk man coming from a M.M.A.D.D. meeting storms by. No one stops the drunk guy, and he proceeds towards his car.
I thought it was Mad Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. Guess they’re letting anyone in these days.
Predictably, Fallon chooses this moment to come storming outside as the drunk guy is doing donuts in the parking lot. Oh snap! Here comes Blake’s limo. Who will it be? Fallon, Jeff or Blake?
Damn girl, you got a lot of cavities.
If you guessed Fallon you are correct. Ding ding ding!
Tune in next week to find out if Fallon will be paralyzed, blind or have amnesia.