Auditiongasm Finals 2012: Long Island Medium Fighter Four

Tre explains that when people die, their souls go to the other side, and they are able to express things they couldn’t when they were alive. Well, that’s probably true. There are a lot of people I (barely) tolerate in real life, but wouldn’t mind giving a piece of my mind once I’ve crossed over. What are they gonna do, kill me? 

Evidently Tre’s M.O. is not simply to interrupt people going about their daily business by asking them upsetting questions about dead loved ones: She makes house calls too! She visits the house of a slightly larger woman who is unfortunately dressed/accessorized in such a manner that she comes across as a blueberry. “Ma’am, I’m getting a distinct blueberry aura from you, but in a past life, I think you may have been a 

Granny Smith apple.”

Anyway, the blueberry-looking lady (real name: Emma) would like to communicate with her baby daddy. Tre asks a series of vague questions/makes a series of vague statements including but not limited to mentioning the word “south” in passing — Blueberry is all over this, saying the ex’s family is southern — and claiming the spirit is sharing his secret nickname for Emma with her. 

Please prepare to become a believer………….

Tre says the ex has told her that he used to call Emma……..……………………………

…………………………………………………………………………………………………..…………………………………………………………………………………………………..…………………………………………………………………………………………………..…………………………………………………………………………………………………..…………………………………………………………………………………………………..……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..………………………………………………………………………………………………….. “Em.”

This is in no way a nickname for every person ever named Emma, Emily, or some similar variation, and confirms (for Blueberry, at least) that Tre is the REAL DEAL.

I am calling bullshit and wondering why I thought Tre’s power was going to terrify me. In fact, Tre is making me more angry than anything else. Blueberry (secret nickname: Em) is clearly lacking something in her life or looking for some kind of comfort, and I feel like Tre is taking advantage of this vulnerability. I think Blueberry needs the help of an ACTUAL professional like Jeff Lewis or the psychiatrist from Bethenny Ever After.

Anyway, it turns out the ex committed suicide. Blueberry’s whole reason for meeting with Tre was to help her and her daughter move on. The daughter wrote him a song, which unfortunately I didn’t pay much attention to, because whenever I think of child songstresses, Gia Guidice’s songs start playing in my head on a loop. [Fun fact: my cousin turned 30 last year and I serenaded her Gia-to-Milania style at the bar: “First you were one, then you were two…”]

The ex takes responsibility for any pass transgressions, including the manner of his death, and says it’s okay for Blueberry’s new husband to be father to their daughter. Blueberry feels better. Maybe Tre isn’t preying on her weaknesses after all — I still don’t think she’s communicating with anyone from the other side, but maybe she just wants to help people feel better. I’m so conflicted! This isn’t what I watch reality TV for! I like to watch people get drunk, call each other sluts, and pretend they can afford $15,000 bags!

We are treated an aspect of Tre’s homelife that includes a home gym and an extremely tan gentleman named Larry doing weird workouts. Turns out he is Tre’s husband. I wonder how often Tre pulls the ol’ “I can’t, there’s a spirit watching/trying to talk to me” card.

Larry already has some unappealing tattoos, but he’s looking to add more. He’s even sketched some of his own designs of bulldogs and a koi fish that rival even this acclaimed artist’s exquisite rendering of a leprechaun.

Tre is not understanding why he wants a koi fish, because tattoos should mean something. In a well-edited sequence, Larry explains in detail how koi stand for perseverance, courage, and swim upstream (isn’t that salmon?), and how when they “get to the top of the waterfall,” they turn into dragons. It truly made no sense, and no spirits could be bothered to come through to clarify, so not even Tre could make heads or tails of it.

For someone who spends much of her day pretending to communicate with invisible entities, Tre is a busy-ass woman, because now she is doing an appearance on a radio show. She explains to the radio hosts that there are 500 spirits staring at her at THIS.VERY.MOMENT. Well, in addition to being voted “Best Hair,” Tre was also voted “Most Popular” by the class of 1953.