Auditiongasm Finals 2012: Long Island Medium Fighter Three

Long Island Medium: “Uneasy” or “She’s not well-done, she’s just medium”

by Fighter Three

The description of this episode said, “Theresa gets blind-sided.” Where’s Sandra Bullock when you need her? Instead of a large, talented, black, football player, we have to follow the life of a middle-aged Snooki look alike who stalks people to ask them about their dead loved ones and makes them cry.

Theresa is with her daughter, Victoria, at Optics Family Eye Care. Victoria doesn’t have good visions second sight eye sight. She wears contacts and Theresa can’t believe she wants glasses. Snore- the show isn’t called “Long Island Medium’s Daughter” So forget Victoria! Theresa’s getting hot; Victoria knows what’s coming and asks Theresa to make “them” wait. Maybe her eyesight’s so bad from standing at the end of the line of priorities behind all those dead people? Maybe instead of new glasses they should pay for a good therapist? Too late, someone’s daddy died and, what luck! The eye care center accepts walk-ins! Dead Daddy Walk-in! The poor widow just wanted some glasses but gets mugged by Theresa instead. How does it feel to hear your loved one is happy being dead?

Enter Emma. She is a home client who wants to nag her ex-husband in the afterlife. They go through the identification process to get all the appropriate ooh’s and ahh’s, but suddenly it takes an awkward turn when Theresa tells Em that the ex doesn’t have a shirt on; no shirt, no shoes, no reading, lady! Theresa nearly falls ass backwards from her own awesomeness; do they have to pay extra for the dramatics? Theresa tells us that “our souls learn lessons after we pass.” Like how to pull off wearing a pair of skinny jeans? That would be fantastic!

-Commercial-

Theresa’s back at home to give hubby some airtime. He wants a koi-to-dragon tattoo and spends quite some time explaining the mythology. (Because no one knows Japanese mythology better than a Guido from Long Island.) To which Theresa answers with a resounding “Cock-a-doodle doo”  ???

Next, Theresa’s going to a radio show and is “up with the roosters.” Way to go producers, did someone get a raise for that segue?  She’s explaining to the hosts how it all works. Apparently there are about 500 spirits staring at her on the other side. And not one can tell her to get her roots done?  The host can’t believe there are 500 people waiting in line to see her that early in the morning. Neither can we, she ain’t no Dunkin Donuts!

 Theresa talks about her faith and gives everyone permission not to believe in her.

 Perfect- bring in the skeptics!

Theresa describes them as a firing squad- 500 spirits on the other side but 8 skeptics here and she’s smoking her last cigarette. Now who’s not a believer?

 Let the probing questions begin! She quickly locks on to a red headed woman- why does everyone have to pick on the ginger? She’s lost a sister and Theresa again revels in her own awesomeness. At the end, the woman is asked if she’s still a skeptic and answers, “I’m not sure.” Skeptical about being a skeptic? The word has lost all meaning. Way to go, gingy, that’s why people pick on you!

Off now to The Lone Wolf Tattoo to find Larry. Uh oh, Theresa’s getting hot again. There’s bad juju and – OH DEAR GOD- a Ouija board. Apparently they encourage “unprotected channeling.” Isn’t that Hasbro’s mission statement? No, the good people at Hasbro want us to always use protection, I’m sure…  Theresa has to get her handy sage bundle out of her car. Kept in a special baggie under the seat…I swear officer, it’s just sage, and it’s not even mine, the spirits put it there…

-Commercial-

Better! A Dark Shadows commercial! Theresa’s sage is no match for Barnabus Collins! 

Speaking of spirits, all the good ones are now rushing at Theresa and she hunts down Donna, a young woman who lost her dad a month ago. Poor Donna, I bet she’d never thought she’d meet such weird people at a tattoo parlor.

Larry’s tattoo is done and Theresa gushes about how great the koi is and how she’s feeling the koi…Dear Baby Jesus- end the show before she starts reading the koi. I don’t want her hunting us down about the goldfish we flushed last week.