Auditiongasm Finals 2012: My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding Fighter Four

America is being introduced to a mysterious culture about which most of us know nothing.  Romanichal Gypsies apparently are a walking, talking paradox.  They somehow bring Utah together with Jersey, teaching the rest of America that Romanichal Gypsies are an odd mixture of Mormons and Jersey Shore guidos.  The girls dress like whores, but don’t give up their “golden ticket” and the guys are basically Jersey Shore guidos.  Just think Jersey Shore without the sex.  This week, we have a husband-pickin’ party with the drunkest, most creepy guy on the planet.  Get ready, because you’re going to need a shower when this episode is done.  

We are introduced to our princess of the week, Priscilla, who is 14 and lives in a secret Gypsy community that is actually just an RV parked next to a normal country neighborhood.  If this little community is supposed to be a secret, living literally in the backyard of the rest of American civilization isn’t really living undercover.  We learn that she lives with her 32-year-old dad…wait for it…Pat Baby, 31-year-old mom LouAnn and little brother Miles.  We’re told the Gypsy housewife way as Priscilla polishes hideous vases and tacky Rococo-style figurines.  Priscilla is happy to be at home polishing her Gypsy treasures instead of being in school like all of the gorgers, which is their term for us regular folks.  She sleepily tells us that she and all the other Gypsies around the world have tons of fun polishing their brick-a-brack and she’s really selling it.  She should look into acting.  Poor Priscilla seems like the poster child for habitual abuse of some kind.  I already feel sorry for her.  She claims to feel empty inside if she doesn’t spend the day cleaning.  Really?  I only feel empty inside if I didn’t eat that 4^th donut.

She also looks after her 4-year-old brother.  I had to go back and delete the horrible things I said about Miles when they tell us that he’s autistic.  Mom thinks Priscilla is better at taking care of Miles than she is, which makes me think she’s just passing the kid off onto someone else.  What a mom.  

Mom tells us that Priscilla is probably ready to look for a husband and we get to see the Gypsy kitchen.  Apparently Miles has driven Priscilla to use her Gypsy magic and turn him into a Rococo-style porcelain baby figure that she’s tossed into the sink.  14 is engagement time for Gypsy gals.  Priscilla tells us that all a Gypsy girl wants and lives for is finding a husband and getting a home and, since they’re Gypsies, I guess that means a seat in a circus train car or a Gypsy Roulette.  

Priscilla’s parents are throwing a Halloween party to hurry it up and get Priscilla’s ass out of the house.  I guess she’s going to have to take the porcelain baby with her.  At least it’ll be easy to take care of a child that’s frozen in time.  I suddenly realize that marrying off your daughter before she turns into a smart-mouthed, know-it-all teenager might not be such a crazy idea afterall.  Those sneaky gypsies!  

Sondra Celli is THE gypsy dressmaker, which just means that she’s very skilled in the use of the Bedazzler and making clothes fit for a prostitute.  Priscilla tells Sondra that she wants to be the Queen of Hearts, so that means a lot of pink and hearts.  Sondra looks confused and I understand, because the Queen of Hearts wants everything RED – not pink, you Gypsy tart!  She wants it long and big is the back and short in the front so you can see her cooter.  I can’t hold that against her, what girl hasn’t dreamt of wearing Stephanie Seymour’s “November Rain” dress?  Priscilla says she wants to look like a light bulb.  She needs a ball gown and a sexy dancing outfit that is hot pink.  She wants to go all out, because she needs to wrangle her a man before she gets to be an 18-year-old spinster.  She says she doesn’t want to make them boys crazy, she just wants to blind them.  I can’t imagine what kind of eye assault 50 yards of hot pink tulle would be, but I’m guessing blinding isn’t out of the question.  Sondra invites Priscilla to Boston to try on the dress and Priscilla freaks in her very ho-hum way, because she’s never been on a plane before.  I’m sure Boston is a nice town, but all I know about it is Pats fans and drunken Irishmen.  Watch out for the drunks getting toss out through the plate-glass window of the pubs as you stroll down the streets.  Priscilla tells us that the excitement is like the amount of heat coming off the sun, but looks more like she got invited to go on a shopping trip at Kroger.