Auditiongasm Finals 2012: My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding Fighter Four

Sondra and her Knitting Circle of Tacky lose it when they learn they have only 10 days to create this monstrosity.  How long can it possibly take?  The queens on Drag Race seem to be able to whip up crazy getups in only a few hours and they still have to tuck in their goods and make Africa-shaped butt pads.  Sondra says Priscilla sounded so cute on the phone that she couldn’t turn down the request for a gown, chocker, gloves, boots…  OK, I’ve got a plan.  Just go to the local red light district, get someone to be the John, and grab the clothes off the front seat as soon as the deal starts to go down.  She’ll never know the difference.

Priscilla’s doting father, Pat Baby, is footing the bill with his millions.  He’s a paver, which is a skill passed down through generations in Gypsyland.  He gets in the work truck with his dad, I’m guessing his name is Pat Daddy, who asks him how the game was last night and gets all excited to learn that Pat Baby got all “drunked up”.  Pat Daddy tells us that he is proud to be Pat Baby’s father and Priscilla’s grandfather.  He doesn’t believe in a woman working.  I guess we working women are like fairies or Santa Claus.  According to Pat Daddy, women should have daytime hours, which is Gypsy speak I guess, for soaking in the tub and taking care of ourselves so we don’t get all wrinkly.  I know it must be so easy to do that when you stay at home with an autistic child and housework to do.

Pat Baby tells us that he’s been working since he was 14 years old straight outta school when Pat Daddy interrupts to make sure we know that Pat Baby didn’t quit school – he was expelled from school.  But, the things he did weren’t actually too bad.  Just a little ol’ high speed chase and drinking and driving.  “He hadn’t like killed nobody er nuthin’.”  He’s a habitual offender, but so is Pat Daddy, so no biggie.  I guess these high morals they’re supposed to have are only for the women.  Throwing down pavement is all about family.  Pat Baby’s having a ball paving as he hollers “spray that sheeyut!”  I see where Priscilla gets her idea of fun.  

Sondra has 11 professional Bedazzlers working on Priscilla’s chintzy getup.  Some poor old lady is hunched over a sewing machine that’s shitting out tulle.  The old lady cries that her fingers hurt and suddenly Ben Stiller pops out to tell her that her back is going to hurt because she’s now pulling garden duty.  They’re adding more and more “bling”.  The knee-high boots are covered in Swarovskis and I’m actually getting a tad jealous.  I do like me some sparkle.  Sometimes it’s fun to be tacky.

Pat Baby and Priscilla have arrived in Boston and Sondra shows them the ball gown.  The only ball I can see this dress at is the Players Ball.  Apparently, the part of Science that teaches you about the difference between diamond and Swarovskis is taught after you turn 12, because Priscilla screams and cries over all the diamonds on her dress.  If that dress was covered in diamonds instead of Swarovkis, I would be ripping that shit off from Sondra’s shop – hot pink or not.  Clearly, Pat Baby has been throwing back the shots on the plane ride over because he is lit like a Christmas tree.    

Pat Baby makes a really creepy face in the background when they’re introduced to the dress.  I fully expect him to slowly draw a curtain while saying, “He’s losing his mind.  And I’m reaping all the benefits.”  Pat Daddy gives the mother of all compliments by saying it makes him wish he was a cross-dresser which means he is the poor man’s Joey Gorga.  He turns and hugs Sondra who does a great job of choking back her vomit.  Pat Baby looks like he’s going to molest his daughter and Priscilla reacts like she’s thinking the same thing.  Then, Pat Baby takes his girl out on the streets of Boston so everyone can see how awesome Priscilla looks.