Auditiongasm Finals 2012: My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding Fighter Four

Back in Sondra’s studio, Pat-a-Baby slowly walks around Priscilla while hungrily look at her in her dress.  He says that Priscilla is sure to snag the finest man at her party in this dress.  If you think The Situation is a fine man, then I guess you’re right.  But when he finds out she’s not going to smush, he’ll call her a cab and toss her out on her bedazzled ass.  

Apparently, it’s customary to go through a costume change at their coming out party.  Pat-a-Baby tells us that her dancing outfit is a little risqué, but that it’s “highly tasteful”.  Judging by the “ball gown” that just eye-raped us, I’m sure it’ll be very classy.  It’s hot pants covered in crystals, a crystal drenched halter top with crystal tassels, crystal-covered go-go boots with heart cutouts, and some weird heart/butterfly looking thing stuck to the side of her head – with crystals, of course.  Pat-a-Baby wants to wear the boots and when Sondra obliges him with a strained laugh, he tells her he’s “not fuckin’ around”.  Seeing his daughter in this stripper outfit melted his heart, his stomach, and he felt it deep in his “soul” the excitement of a thousand suns in that outfit.  I hope my dad has never said something like that about me, especially when I was in a stripper outfit…not that I’ve ever dressed like a stripper…

Priscilla is like a cat with a laser pointer as she watches the sun cast reflections of those gypsy diamonds all over the floor and walls.  Pat-a-Baby is squirting in his pants over seeing his daughter come out as a prostitute at a party and I have to stop watching for a moment while I process all of this and try to soothe the burning in my throat. 

When Pat-a-Baby and Priscilla come back to Georgia, they find out that Pat Sister was murdered.  That’s really sad and I do care, but Pat Baby is really freaking weird.  Pat Sister was really beautiful.  We learn that it’s not uncommon in Gypsyland for people to die at young ages and I’m just shocked to hear this as we watch Pat-a-Baby lean over graves of other fallen family members toting a square and a 40 oz can of Bud Light.  

WAIT!  Someone call the cops!  Somehow over the course of a couple of days, Pat Baby’s sister was murdered and he was able to get a tattoo on his forearm dedicated to her.  But, the goocher is that it’s not at all fresh.  If that isn’t incriminating, then I don’t know what is.  He says he’s going to dedicate the whoring-out party to his sister and then he kisses the picture of her and, no shit, the picture pulled away and cringed.  

The fam arrives at the venue and we learn that most venues have a problem with renting out to Gypsies.  Well, they’ve probably learned about Gypsies from Borat, like I have, and think they all have magical powers and steal shit.  LouAnn explains to the venue owner that Gypsies don’t RSVP and a few thousand will be showing up for some event in the area and may crash the party.  And you wonder why venues don’t like to rent out to gypsies?  Wassim, the venue owner, is looking forward to learning about Gypsies so he looks at this as a cultural experiment.  He tells us that he can’t imagine having 200 Pat-a-Babies running amuck at his venue and I think Wassim and I might be on the same page.  Pat Baby tells us that the “fuckin’ WORLD hasn’t seen a party like this” and that “Puff Daddy ain’t got shit” on him.  Wassim notes that they’ll need extra security and that they’ll, I kid you not, have to nail everything down that moves so these damn gypsies can’t steal their wares.  I just snarfed Diet Coke all over my laptop.

Pat Baby is going to the party as a pirate who is interested only in the booty that lives in his daughter’s shorts, and is going to get a tattoo for it.  Yes folks, a real, permanent tattoo for a costume party.  He wants to make a STATEMENT!  He shows us the statements he already has.  First, a wretched drawing of Betty Boop on the bottom of his hairy gut right above a lovely tuft of his public hair that his wife “drewed”.  (YEEEEAAAAAH, FUCK SCHOOL!!!)  He points out the tattoo for his sister in her memory which just reconfirms his guilt in her sure-to-have-been rape and murder.  He also has a mustache on his finger he holds over his lip because, as he says, he’s an idiot and the grandkids will love it.  At least he knows.  The tattoo artist asks how old Priscilla is and is shocked to hear that she’s only 14.  I think his wiener just turned inside out at the sexual thought he had about Priscilla that Pat-a-Baby himself has about her with a clear conscience.