Auditiongasm Finals 2012: My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding Fighter Four

It seems that LouAnn is stalking Wassim.  She’s calling him over and over again while driving over to the venue.  She tells us that getting flaked out on is par for the gypsy course.  I honestly feel really bad for her and the rest of the Gypsies when she says that there are only two funeral parlors that welcome gypsies anymore.  She shows up at the venue and starts banging on the locked doors.  Yes, nothing says kosher like a crazy gypsy banging on the doors.  LouAnn then learns that Wassim claims to have never had the night free that she needed for the party.  I guess he didn’t have enough security and duct tape to keep everything safe from those rascally gypsies.  

Meanwhile, we meet some of Priscilla’s more assimilated gypsy friends.  Amber and Ashley are cousins and are Romanian gypsies while Priscilla is of the English variety.  Amber and Ashley are the regular chubby cousin/hot cousin combo and they are sitting on a bed telling us about different racial slurs for gypsies.  Something about turds and refs, I don’t know.  The sisters plan to finish school and have careers and are proud to not be at home vacuuming like Priscilla.  Then there is Ashley, who is an English gypsy like Priscilla.  It seems the gypsies really know how to diversify the name pool.  Ashley is a rich girl and plans to have a party at her parents’ mansion with both gypsies and gorgers.  She and Priscilla stop by a bridal shop so Priscilla can try on a wedding veil and I’m sure this happens on a regular basis and isn’t done at all for our benefit.  Ashley takes a picture of Priscilla in the veil and Priscilla looks as vivacious as a wet mop.

We follow Amber, the chubby cousin, to work at a typical country burger and BBQ joint.  Her co-worker, Catherine, asks a surely non-staged question about whether or not Amber is a gypsy as she’s heard from the producers through the grapevine.  Amber says she doesn’t tell anyone because people will think she’s weird.  Amber tells us that in her culture, the women stay virgins so that when they get married, the groom’s family pays for their bride.  It’s not prostitution, she protests, but I’m having a hard time seeing the difference.  I mean, don’t most of the cultures who marry at such a young age do it so they can have sex with a clear conscious?  I know that’s why my little cousin got engaged and married after 6 months of dating.  Meanwhile, I’m the family skank for living with my husband for four years before getting married.  Hey, you gotta’ test drive that car before you buy it, am I right?  Catherine interviews that it’s strange to hear that gypsy girls don’t do anything with boys and supposedly have strong morals, because they dress like whores.  Then, she makes my day by saying, ”The way they present themselves I thought they’d be more like, you know, like me….Not saying…OH MY GOOOOD!!  That’s not what I meant!  Oh God!  I’m so embarrassed!” and then hides behind the counter.  Catherine is officially the cutest thing ever to grace reality TV.  Don’t worry, Catherine.  Everyone knows that we girls who only wear t-shirts and jeans can spread ‘em like Jif.

Rich Ashley’s party is in “full swing” with 5 teenage girls in beaver-grazing skirts dancing together.  Only the gorgers are there right now, so Priscilla is upstairs gussying up for the party.  Priscilla tells us that she’s been told that the eyes are the nipples of the face.  I’ll put down a million bucks that says it was Pat-a-Baby that told her that one.  I have big, blue eyes, but my husband doesn’t look at them.  I’m pretty sure that to him and all other men, the nipples of my whole being are my actual nipples.

Then we meet the Gypsy version of the Scissor Gang Mafia – the male gypsies.  They all have Pauly D-grade blow outs, wife beaters, super tans, and gold chains.  One of the guys is Ashley’s brother and he creepily appears to be staring at Amber’s crotch.  So, maybe Pat-a-Baby is the norm around these parts.  Priscilla has made her grand entrance and is wearing a Britney Spears’ special – denim halter vest and mini skirt.  She belly dances, but not in the way you see an actual belly dancer dance.  It’s more like the way a stripper dances, but you know, they’re not slutty because they don’t give up the goods until married.  The guys there are all carrying around looseys and 40oz cans of Bud Light, solidifying their futures of being the staples of the trailer park.  Ashley and Amber’s cousin shows us his gypsy charm, which is making a bare-breasted lady tat on his shoulder dance.  Another guido gypsy boy tells us that the tan, style, jewelry, and hair make them irresistible to the gorger girls.  Oh stop it, you’re turning me on…  Seeing as how they live in Georgia, I now realize that the blowout is the new mullet and farmer tans have been replaced by full tans at the salon.