Auditiongasm Finals 2012: My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding Fighter Four

The gorger girls are popular with the gyspy boys, because they’re easy.  The new-style white trash boys tell us of the virtues of a gypsy girl versus the gorger girls, but the only difference I’m seeing is that the gorgers just aren’t teases.  I’ve never understood, and never will, the mentality behind those girls who think being a tease is any more morally better than following through and having sex.  

At 10pm, The Molester and his wife show up at the party.  I half-expect Chris Hanson to be around the corner with a stack of chatroom printouts to read back to Pat-a-Baby.  The Molester surprises us all by trying to be the cool dad and gets drunk with the gypsy boys while LouAnn keeps her eye on the girls.  LouAnn has the audacity to make a snide remark about the slutty length of a gorger’s skirt, meanwhile her daughter’s vag is making eyes at everyone in the room.  Pat-a-Baby tells us that you can’t let gorgers into your home, because it’ll be overrun with that filth and smut.  That’s rich coming from a guy that undresses his 14-year-old daughter with his eyes.  Priscilla is whisked away to maintain her sacred purity while Priscilla tells us that the gorger girls were dancing like gypsies – only sluttier.  I didn’t know one could dance sluttier.  That fine line is that the gorgers were all over the guys and the gypsies were not.  I’m so confused.

LouAnn has finally found a venue that will take them, so she does some strange dance with her hair.  Ashley and Amber’s moms bring the girls their dresses they picked out for them.  Amber is dressed as fire and Ashley as ice.  Ashley’s dress comes up in the front and barely covers her lips, but since no guy is going to touch them she’s not slutty.  Through Priscilla, we learn that you’re the best by being the hottest.  But they’re not slutty.  Sounds like strong morals to me!

Priscilla tries on her dancing outfit for LouAnn who thinks the hearts and crystals really bring out the purity in Priscilla’s soul.  You can’t make this stuff up.  LouAnn starts to cry as her daughter sexily gyrates in her sparkly go-go outfit.  

Dino, Ahsley’s dad, tells us that the man is the head of the household.  He doesn’t want his daughter in the corner talking to a bunch of boys.  Gypsy boys can come and go, but the girls better not.  All marriage material must pass by Dino or it won’t happen.  He wants the perfect person for his daughter and says this while Ashley starts to cry and suddenly Borat rushes in to capture the tears.  

Pat Baby takes us out with him to prepare for the party.  Surprise, surprise, he shows up at the liquor store and tells us it’s his favorite place on Earth.  He brings out two shopping carts full of booze he’ll be serving to pre-pubescent children.  He says the party is going to go off with a “boom”, because it can’t go off with a “bang” or else she’ll lose that loose grip on her purity.  

Priscilla is getting her makeup done at the salon and I’m slightly jealous that I’m not a gypsy only because I want to wear crystals on my eyes.  Priscilla says she looks like a Gypsy Katy Perry and I’m not quite sure why that makes her happy.  LouAnn tells her she looks like a drunk Princess Leia as nerds everywhere just sensed a great disturbance in The Force.

This would all be really cute and fun if the purpose of all this wasn’t a pair of parents whoring out their daughter.  The ladies are late, so LouAnn peels out throwing coolers and ice all over the street. 

It’s time for the party and we see that Dino is dressed up as a douche bag complete with fedora and Affliction tee.  Priscilla makes her grand entrance, much to Ashley’s chagrin.  They interview two little boys about Priscilla’s dress and I swear I just fell into the Twilight Zone.  These kids are like caricatures of guidos as children.  They’re wearing tiny little wife beaters and tiny little blow outs.  I can’t believe this is reality somewhere.