Auditiongasm Finals 2012: My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding Fighter One

Pat gets a tattoo to celebrate the joyful occasion of auctioning off his soulless daughter and the tattoo artist marvels at Queen P being only 14. She has the eyes of a 35-year old, the style of space hooker, and the gynecological history of an airport bathroom. Does that make sense? Does to me! The mother is demonstrating how useful one can be when one’s life is spent in bubble baths. She can’t seem to get anything right and our friend Wassim who CAN NOT possibly own that hall has now backed out. Not only that but shut the doors and turned off the lights. Guess whoever actually owned the venue was called by TLC. Now there is only four weeks to find a venue! Well, that actually seems like plenty of time. 

We now get a lesson on English versus Romanian gypsies which I will not go into, mostly because they keep talking about their heritage in hilljack southern accents (no actual hate, I’m from the south y’all) and although these are a decidedly dusky people I think they have assimilated to a new kind of lifestyle that they should just call something new. None of them will ever see any part of Europe. Or be able to point to Europe on a map. Or spell map. Queen P is an “English gypsy” and the basic diff is her Romanian Gypsy friends live in track houses and want to (gasp!) finish school and get jobs and strangely her best friend is a gypsy who lives in a Georgia-style McMansion (plantation chic) and drives a cute little car. They call each other racial slurs that I can’t make closed captioning spell out. Now we see a Gypsy girl leaving the fold, flipping burgers and driving cars and going to school.  Sacrilege! 

It turns out the rich BFF is also hosting a party, drama! There is a generally healthy competition among the four Gypsy girls shown with Queen P being the obvious poorest and also the unequivocal hottest. As she gets ready for what amounts to a teen dance party in the McMansion basement she shares that the eyes are the nipples of the face. That is a comparison that was edited out of the Bible. It is pure poetry though, I only hope this show doesn’t air in Saudi Arabia or the burqa will go full face immediately. 

The gypsy boys start showing up with spiked hair and Affliction Tees and I realize that what I have been watching is Jersey Shore. Only this tribe bought heavily into global warming and moved inland and south to avoid flooding at the shore. Also gyms and Laundromats are considered luxuries so they just marry before puberty brings weight gain and tan. The sun is free! 

The doting parents of Queen P roll in to make sure the rich people aren’t corrupting her and making her trashy. All the party prep will be for naught if those wedding night sheets turn up pristine! Queen P is rocking a Denim miniskirt and denim halter bra. The Romanian Gypsy youth’s shameless coed dancing do not please the Pat Baby family, and they yank their progeny home before her lack of clothes and gyrating near premature ejaculators results in a bastard Gypsy baby. Those Romanians are deemed a bad influence and not welcome at the Halloween Deflowering extravaganza. As we all know, living in a structure with a foundation and indoor plumbing is usually a gateway drug. They shouldn’t worry because apparently Queen P is well-versed on just how much skin to show and how to grind without violating her trailer honor. It is pretty complicated calculus involving absolute distance from boys and angles of bent over. 

A venue has been found off camera and all the gypsy girls are now getting decked out in sparkles and satin. The other two featured Romanian Gypsies are either supposed to be fire and ice or an angel and a devil, and they brag about upstaging Queen P, but I know they will not be able to compete with the pink heart monstrosity awaiting them. Cut to Queen P’s mom being overwhelmed by the purity of her daughters outfit. Please remember, she is wearing something that would shame every person that lives in Vegas. And appall all of Sodom and Gomorrah. Anna Nicole Smith and Linda Hogan both find it over the top. Richard Simmons says “restraint!”. Tim Gunn weeps. Oh and back to the competing Romanian girls- her father starts talking about how his approval on a man for his daughter is the bottom line and she starts crying and babbling about her mother understanding love, which leads me to believe she’s about ten minutes from having a bun in the oven that will grow up loving hair gel and spray tan.