Auditiongasm Finals 2012: My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding Fighter Three

Welcome to Douglasville, Georgia!  We are going to dive head-first into the train wreck that is My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding!

Today we get to meet Priscilla.  She is 14 years old and lives in a secret Gypsy community with her mother, LouAnn, and her father, Pat Baby.  Please note that this is actually his name, not a nickname I came up with.  Now, when I say Gypsy community, you are probably picturing covered wagons with lots of silk scarves and tassels.  You would be wrong.  Horribly wrong.  Priscilla and her family live in a camper.  Remember – this lifestyle is all about glamour.

We find out that Priscilla quit school when she was 12.  She explains that some Gypsies still go to school.  Never fear – she is above that.  Remember – the only thing better than a wannabe hooker is an uneducated wannabe hooker.  Priscilla feels that her time is better spent training to be a good Gypsy wife.  This evidently involves cleaning a ridiculous number of Hummel figures and making grilled cheese sandwiches.  She feels empty if she doesn’t clean all day.  Call me crazy, but maybe she just needs a shrink for OCD and a Home Economics class.  In High School.  Where a 14 year old girl should be.

I’ll be honest – this is the first time I have watched this show and I’m starting to wonder – when is this wedding?  She is still talking about finding a man.  It’s seems that Pat Baby is throwing a Halloween Party for Priscilla to find a man/be whored out by her father.  I guess that ‘My Big Fat, daughter-pimping Halloween Party’ was a little too specific for advertisers.

It’s a Halloween Party, so Priscilla is going to need the perfect costume.  She calls up Sondra Celli, the premier Gypsy dress maker.  I so was not aware that this was a specialized area of fashion.  Priscilla tells Sondra that she wants to go as Queen of Hearts, so she will need lots of pink, lots of hearts, and lots of crystals.  She wants it short in the front to show off her legs and big in the back.  Her dress will evidently be the mullet of Gypsy fashion.

After making plans for Priscilla to come to Boston to try on the dress, Sondra puts her minions to work – they have 10 days to make a dress that a drag queen would be envious of.  Her employees glance at each other – no doubt wondering why they majored in fashion just to end up making Gypsy dresses.

Through all of this one thing is bothering me.  Not that this girl is 14 and ready to get married.  Not that she dresses like a streetwalker.  No, I’m dying to know how in the hell they live in a camper and can afford this.  The narrator obviously questioned this, too because she explains that Pat Baby is funding everything with his lucrative paving job.

Pat Baby works with his father, Patrick.  Grandpa tells us that Priscilla shouldn’t have to work.  She needs to spend her days in a bubble bath and relaxing so she doesn’t get wrinkles.  Maybe I have jumped the gun thinking that these people are crazy.  Grandpa talks about Pat Baby getting into trouble.  It was just minor things – high speed chases and DUI’s.  Nothing major – it’s not like he killed anyone.  Anytime a parent uses that justification, they need to question their child-rearing skills.

Pat Baby and Priscilla finally arrive in Boston and head to Sondra’s shop.  The dress is unveiled and Priscilla is beside herself with joy.  The dress is so pretty that she wants to kiss it.  I thought this was a little bizarre until Pat Baby chimed in with the fact that the dress makes him wish he was a cross dresser.  I don’t have any personal experience with cross dressing, but I feel that there should be a few more lines to cross before you actually want to wear women’s clothing.  He jumped to that pretty damn quick.  

Priscilla tries on the dress and a little part of me is shocked that there isn’t a stripper pole in the dressing room.  Pat Baby decides that he can’t wait until the Halloween party.  He takes Priscilla out to the streets to parade around in her dress and high heels, while he carries the train for her.  Priscilla tells him that it is painful, which he replies that it’s painful to be a star.  Way to keep it classy, Pat Baby.  So let’s review.  Pat Baby has dress Priscilla up in a short skirt and halter top.  He then is talking her out to a street corner to show her off.  I believe we have actually demonstrated the definition of a pimp!