Auditiongasm Finals 2012: My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding Fighter Two

Daddy Pat Baby inexplicably parades his daughter down the streets of Boston in her pink, ruffley finery to garner attention. (I guess he didn’t trust the viewership TLC would attract for this fledgling show) 

Boring voice-over lady (BVOL) explains that it’s customary for party-throwing Gypsy girls to have a second look for the evening, so enter “highly tasteful” (Pat Baby’s adjective, certainly not mine) spangled, glittery, pink hot pants – that I know full well would not even cover my left boob (and that’s the smaller one, Gasmi!) – an equally glittery and spangled kerchief top with shiny, shimmery, silvery fringe (think 70’s beaded curtains),  some sort of valentine’s day greeting card affixed to Priscilla’s head, and Oh. Gawd. The boots. The boots. My kingdom for a pic of the boots!  She IS a human light bulb; she IS!!! Iridescent, Bitches! 

*NO RECAPPER CAN DO JUSTICE TO THIS SHOW WITHOUT SCREEN SHOTS!* Just sayin’.

We see dad emoting for a bit about how spectacular his daughter looks and how great she will be at the Halloween party. Look, I don’t know this culture. He seems sincerely pumped. So. There’s that. 

Well, shit. Upon their return to Georgia, Pat Baby learns that his sister has died. AND she was murdered?! WTF?! Picture of his sis at the cemetery reveals that she was, indeed, a very beautiful woman. There are massively beautiful fresh flower arrangements on the graves throughout the cemetery. His sister’s name is not revealed. Hmmmm . . .

Next, Priscilla and the ‘rents are looking for a venue. Apparently, no one is too eager to rent out their party hall to Gypsies. Enter Wassim, who has no previous experience with; no pre-conceived notions of; has heard things about Gypsy events; but is eager, open and willing to learn. Yay. Team. Hahahaha. Favorite quote of the night, from Wassim: “I can’t imagine 200 of. . Pat Baby on a dance floor, and what’s gonna happen.” Can’t ya? Really? No? Okey-doke. 

Puff-Daddy ain’t got shit on Pat Baby, he proclaims. Sean Combs should be proud, ya’ll. Oh, the cultural barriers he has crossed! Oh my. What a pretty red truck they are driving. Wait. Just how much money IS IN paving?! 

Priscilla and dad are off on a father-daughter bonding experience at the local tattoo parlor, where dad is getting ink for Baby Girl’s Coming Out Halloween party. No half-ass fake tat crap for him. Real deal, peeps! Oh. Looks likes his late sister’s name is Rita.(based upon Pat Baby’s commemorative tattoo.) Wow. That is the ugliest Betty Boop I’ve ever seen. (Oh. Geez. My big bro just texted me a pic of him feeding his parrot. . from his mouth! And I’m supposed to be making fun of the Gypsies!? Nice.)

Damn. It turns out Wassim is a douche. He hasn’t returned any of Louann’s phone calls and when she shows up at the venue, no one’s there. BVOL says Wassim claims his venue was never available on the date of their party. Grow a pair, Wassim, you ball-less wonder! 

Either my DVR or TLC effed up, cuz the commercial break abruptly cuts into an interview with what I assume are 2 Romani Gypsy girls (Ashley & Amber), dissing Romanichal girls. These girls work PT, want to finish school and disparage the Romanichal gypsy girls for sitting at home cleaning. We then meet Priscilla’s Romanichal BFF, (different) Ashley, who DOES NOT live in an RV. She lives in a mansion, ya’ll! And she’s rollin’ with the Gorgers AND the Gypsies.

I’m confused. Now we are following Romani gypsy Amber, who works. There’s some convo between a non-gypsy and Amber, purportedly outing Amber as a Gypsy. And this evolves into the non-gypsy outing herself as a non-virgin, due to her shock in discovering that gypsy girls are good girls, not sluts, like herself. Hehe. 

(I’m pretty sure this recap is already too damn long. But I don’t know what the hell to leave out. This ish is craycray!)

LOLOLOL! “The eyes are the nipples of the face”. Nuff said. Partaaaay at Romanichal Ashley’s mansion with the Gorgers, the Romanichals, the Romanis, their brothers, their cousins, their Uncle Frickin Louie. I dunno, man. Lotsa folks. Easy Gorger girls like the bad gypsy boys. But the bad gypsy boys eventually marry gypsy girls. Seriously doubt the gorger girls give a shit. They got theirs. They movin on.