Auditiongasm Finals: Fighter One

You’ve ok’ed two fighters to the final round. Traditionally, we put the finalists through a round of recap hell, choosing the most difficult show to recap we can find. And would ya look at that, Kate and her brats are back just in time!! Some might call that destiny…

Be sure to check out both recaps and vote here. Welcome FIGHTER ONE!

Auditiongasm Fighter One: (Gone and ) Kate Plus Eight

Tonight was the season premiere of Jon an…oh, right, never mind…Kate Plus 8. In case you were curious, this was also the working title for season 6 of Lost, before they changed it to the much more clever “The Final Season.” Since we didn’t get enough of Kate Austin and her man problems over there, however, here we are. Tonight was the season premiere of Kate Gosselin living her own life. All I can think is that it’s a good thing Hollywood bailed them out, because can you imagine how much it’d cost to raise 8 damn kids who all grow up thinking Ed Hardy t-shirts are what normal people wear?

I swear this is the ONLY picture I’ll post of this douchebag…unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to be living by the motto on his shirt.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I feel like maybe I should start focusing on the show. My first impression is “hm, no annoying, entitled, kinda Asian guy with eyes that are just a little too far apart for me to look at without feeling uncomfortable…cool.” Ok, ok, I swear I’ll stop ripping on Jon…but before I start the recap proper, I want to explain the drinking game you and I are going to play together. Every time Kate says something that is clearly designed to make you feel bad for her…take a shot. A real shot. I’m doing it, so should you be! If you can still read this by the end, at least one of us is cheating!!!

Yes, my shotglass has pandas doin’ it. That’s not a problem, is it?

My real first impression is “hm…Kate actually… (dare I say it)…looks good!” The episode opens with a quick montage (even Rocky had a montage) of Kate over the last few months. She’s been appearing in public, and on DWTS, and in public, and doing more appearing in public, and she’s so exhausted from all the publicity that she falls asleep in her limo. And whatever jerk is talking in the background at the moment wants to convey to the audience JUST HOW HARD she has it. I feel that maybe someone should explain to Kate how exhausted she’d be if she actually had to raise her 8 children…just sayin’.

Ah, at last, the montage is over, and we get the sense that there’s been a passage of time! Now we the viewers get the opportunity to sit down with Kate G and find out what it’s like to live a day in her shoes. And…bam! Right out of the gates we get hit with Kate’s first “feel sorry for me” line of the night.

“Omigosh! Am I really that horrible of a mother that I could lose my kids?” (TAKE A SHOT!)

This is very quickly turning into a sob story, and I’m not really sure I’m going to be able to handle this drinking game. And…we get another montage. Maybe “montage” should’ve been the drinking game. All of the expert witnesses here share one common idea – Kate Gosselin is a huge celebrity.

My life is in a shambles…it’s pieces all around me – I’m gonna pick them up, literally, visually I was gonna pick them up and put them back together.

Kate’s life fell apart in 2009, and thus so did her children’s (TAKE A SHOT!). Her goal for 2010 is to restore normalcy and excitement (blink…blink…). We cut to Kate in the kitchen, talking to someone off-screen. This is a day in Kate’s life? Being interviewed by an unseen man? She’s explaining how she organizes meals for her 8 children. In her words, “I acquired the skill of feeding my kids leftover ham for dinner while I made ham soup on the stove so I could freeze it.” From the sound of it, my dog has a more varied diet than her children. The Voice asks about her new hair, and if she was surprised it got such a reaction. She says “no,” and she shouldn’t have been…I mean, does anyone remember it from last year?!? Everyone is either thrilled she changed it, or sad she changed it because now they can’t talk about it!

“I’m having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today, because your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the bayou.” ~Sue Sylvester

As Kate tells it, the new hairdo came about at a photo shoot where she was dressed up to look like Carol Brady, and somehow they got to talking about how great it’d be for her to get hair extensions, and, as she said, “I didn’t give it much thought, except that it really was a practical way to grow out my hair. Done.” (TAKE A SHOT!) Seriously, you heard me, take a fucking shot. If that line there isn’t designed to make you feel bad for the woman, I don’t know what is! Hair extensions are a practical way to grow out your hair like p….no, we’re not going there.

We cut to Kate in the barber’s chair. What, they’re not called barbers? Ok, what are they called? What? Hair artists? I’m a guy, c’mon! Anyways, Kate is flipping out because the Hair Artist is about to cut that long ass flop of hair off the front of her head, and seeing as we’re still at the beginning, I’m not making anyone take a shot for any of the ridiculous crap she says about how nervous she is that her “look” is about to be destroyed. Seriously, though, watching this guy go with the scissors, I’m sorry I made a goof about him being a “Hair Artist.” He is a Hair Artist.

Kate auditioning for the long-awaited sequel, “There’s Something ELSE About Mary”

Kate’s complaining about how long it’s taking, and our friend Ted Gibson (Celebrity Hairstylist – THAT’S what it’s called!) pops on screen to tell us “I really would say that she’s being a really good girl.” Granted, it now comes out that it’s taken about 18 fucking hours. We cut to Meridith Viera berating us for saying anything about Kate’s hair. Seriously, she told me personally to get a life. Fuck you, Meridith! Ok, maybe we need to hope that Kate stops the pity party…all this drinking could turn ugly.

“I am Kate Clean Slate” (TAKE A SH——no, give yourselves a break we’ve got a ways to go).

We now are treated to a montage of people slamming anyone who called Kate a bad mom for being on reality TV. Kate Coyne from People Magazine really gives it to the viewers, condescendingly asking us how Kate’s kids would have a better life if their mom was still a nurse, working six 12 hour shifts a week…well, aside from the fact that their current live includes daddy getting a big celebrity ego and running off with some low-budget tramp, and mommy being the crazy laughing stock of ½ the US, and the crazy center of gossip of the other ½, none of which would have happened if she was still a nurse…seriously, how would their lives be better?

I’m having major issues taking this woman seriously when she has 3(count ‘em) pictures of Justin Bieber on the wall behind her…and I swear if I hear ONE more person say (s)he looks like Ellen Page, whom I adore, I will find him and drop him in a well. ONE MORE. (TAKE A SHOT! This one’s for me…)

Cut to Kate talking about life without Jon – “It has been solely me as a single mom…with help.” I’m starting to get the feeling that Kate doesn’t know what a lot of the words she uses actually mean…1/8 of Kate’s kids starts singing a song in kinda a robot voice: “It’s a marshmallow that you sleep on for a bed, nuh-uh, I do not.” They go on to discuss how a marshmallow bed sounds yummy, but they wouldn’t eat it because it was their bed…We see Kate attempting to give her children a school lesson. Now, all 8 of these kids aren’t the same age, right? So Kate is seriously holding back her oldest two kids…do they go to school, or is Professor Kate all they get? I’m sure we’re looking at 8 future productive members of society right here. Their lesson is to draw a box around the 3rd tree on the page. Here’s the first moment I’ve been glad there were kids on the screen!

“Look at my box!” (well, with Jon no longer around, I’m sure Kate’s said that to many a gentleman suitor within earshot of her kids…)

Kate is getting pissed that her kids don’t understand wtf she’s trying to get them to do, and she draws an analogy (Kate, write that down!) to her DWTS instructor trying to make her dance correctly. How did she end up on DWTS? I’m glad you asked!!

“When I was on Jay Leno on December 17, 2009 – I know that, because that was the date my divorce was final (TAKE A SHOT!) – I was asked which reality show I’d most like to be on, and I said DWTS.”

We move on to watching Kate in dance rehearsal. Kate thinks she’s a perfectionist, and talks about how she was harder on herself than she should’ve been. Clearly, this is not the case, as she did not win. However, it was a valiant (another one, Kate) attempt.

I just remember thinking “Where am I? Where am I? Where am I?” No shot here, I don’t think this one was actually for pity…but we do feel bad, right?

We get another Montage (to remind everyone what’s going on) talking about how Kate presents herself. Words like “strong” and “ice-cold bitch” are thrown around like confetti. And now we get an Aussie named Steve who has apparently looked after Prime Ministers and Royal Families, and now Kate, and no one has had the public recognition that Kate has (…shot?). Apparently Kate has been threatened quite a bit, but I’m guessing that now that she’s cut her hair it’s all better…This, however, is the segment of the show where I could either a) take about 20 shots, or b) actually feel bad. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve taken about 8 shots already, but I’m leaning towards B. We’re now shown a horrible day in the life of Kate, where she shows up for a book signing (seriously, people, a BOOK signing…books are full of words that Kate can misuse) and there aren’t many people there. I’m sure it was terrible. We’re treated to a testimonial from Kate’s best friend:

“I went to a book signing one time and I was very surprised…and people how they acted when she did her signing…people just really love her, and I was amazed!”

I’m not gonna lie, if my best friend said that about me…I’d TAKE A SHOT! Seriously, if anyone that ever did anything with me that wasn’t work-related said that about me, I’d probably never leave my house again.

We’re treated to a scene with Kate making her kids clean their playhouses, and we get to watch as she “kills her head” against the awning of one: see Diagram A (TAKE A SHOT). Then she tells her kid she’s annoyed (b/c she hit her head), and that he might wanna start working a little faster. Yay mom!!

Diagram A: “Ow, I just killed my head.”

Kate tells her kids that they’ll be sleeping at Daddy’s house on sleeping bags, and that they won’t be happy if the sleeping bags are dirty because they’ve been out in the playhouses. The kids get excited about going to Dad’s, and Kate gets obviously bitter. I think she was trying to imply that daddy can’t afford 8 beds, so they’d have to sleep on the floor, but her kids are either stupid or 5 and didn’t catch her tone. Kate’s not graceful in defeat. Now she’s barking orders at her kids. Turns out she has a kid named Aidan (or Aiden, I’m not sure), which is the same name as my dog. Starting Operation Insert Cute Puppy Picture:

My Aidan. Way cuter than a stupid kid.

So seriously, we get another montage of the kids “cleaning the garage,” which is way different than how I remember cleaning the garage. Her kids are playing with bicycles and Power Wheels. I didn’t have Power Wheels, and me cleaning the garage involved diluted ammonia and a mop (TAKE A SHOT – for me. For me and my tough childhood!).

We jump forward to the day that clearly the entire episode was built around. Kate finds out she’s being sued by Jon for custody of the kids…via the internet. Poor Kate just isn’t in touch with the kids these days, and doesn’t realize that nothing happens face to face. An IM is a great way to ask someone out, a text message is a perfectly acceptable way to break up with someone, and an internet message board is the ideal way to tell your ex-wife that you’re trying to steal her kids from her…forever.

No shot here. Seriously. I must be drunk, but I feel terrible for the lady.

Kate cancels her dance rehearsal (tieback to the DWTS from earlier), and just wants to get some sleep. I kept seeing the above shot in the “coming up next…” and giggling, and now I just feel terrible. I kinda want to take a shot for this, but I’m running low and I can guarantee there will be more opportunities in the near future. Kate bares her heart and tells us all that her biggest fear is being a terrible mom. No, Kate, no!!!! You worked a shot into the middle of a really sad moment!!! HOW?!?! (Yeah, that’s your cue – drink, bitches!) For some reason that I’m struggling to discern at this particular moment, she walks past a bunch of pretty girls in wedding dresses…and the claws come out.

“Are any of you married? No? Keep it that way! (Maybe I’m a little jaded)”

We’re treated to another Montage (anything we want to know, from just a beginner to a pro) of friends and analyzers talking about Kate and how she’s amazing and fantastic and cares so much about her kids. We get back to the DWTS, and Kate failing at dance rehearsal, and then lying through her teeth about how she’s not frustrated at all. We finally see Kate get booted from DWTS, and she’s bawling like Tim Tebow…

…but at least she has the decency to admit she’s a crybaby.

We close to the finale of the episode, with Kate just jumping right back into the life of a single mom of 8, to which we can all relate. She loves being at home, and most of us are wishing she’d stay right there…but the Kate Monster is out of her cage, and is here to tell you that everyone’s a little bit racist…

…and proceeds to put all those “now that Jon is gone” skills to use on the kitchen sink, amiright?

Her kids can sense her (sexual) frustration, and decide to play the quiet (aka don’t make Mommy beat you) game.

“Even the cameraman has to be quiet!” (Seriously, how cute/lame is that?!?)

But then the kids digress, and this marks exactly the 2nd time all episode I’m glad to have 8 children on screen at once, as they start burping and farting and doing all the things that kids do that delight EVERYONE but their parents. Kate is torn between her career and being at home with her kids.

As Kate Coyne of People Magazine said: fierce!!

Sho Kate vowsh to never shtop trying to create poshitivity for hershelf and for her kidsh…hic!, and we fade out, becaushe you alwaysh fade out in a montage…If you fade out, it sheemsh like more time hash passhed. And….we take a shot for it being over. Pleashe, take a shot. Jusht one more!! No, serioushly, guysh! Shot!!hic!! I need thish! Don’t make me feel like an alcoholic!

Sherioushly, though. Who’sh on board for next week?!?

Thanks for reading Fighter One! DON’T FORGET TO VOTE!!