Auditiongasm Finals: Fighter Two

You’ve ok’ed two fighters to the final round. Traditionally, we put the finalists through a round of recap hell, choosing the most difficult show to recap we can find. And would ya look at that, Kate and her brats are back just in time!! Some might call that destiny…

Be sure to check out both recaps and vote here. Welcome FIGHTER TWO!

Auditiongasm Fighter Two: “All Things Kate”

Hey guys. Generation Y’s very own Mommy Dearest is back starring in an all new special about HER! Welcome to “Kate’s World”

Opening montage…

LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION! TLC, in an effort to legitimize this special episode, has managed to round up three reporters. They are Jim Moret from Inside Edition, Kate Coyne from People Magazine and Meredith Vieira. During this recap they will be referred to as Inside Edition Man, People Mag Wench and Meredith Vieira.

The Reporters…

Inside Addition Man, People Mag Wench and Meredith Vieira are apparently Kate Gosselin experts, or read about her often on perezhilton.com.

Inside Addition Man tells us, “In reality T.V., people become instant stars. Add water…POOF! You’re a star!!” Or a sea monkey.

Hmm witches usually melt when you add water…

People Mag Wench angrily blurts “Why is it the end of the world that she’s going on Dancing with the Stars?” Well, maybe because Kate is the reason why Ren McCormack can’t dance and Baby and Johnny have to dance in private. Because people like her ruin dancing for the rest of us.

“You like Men At Work?”

Meredith Viera informs us, “When you are a strong woman and you have opinions you are painted out to be a B-I-T-C-H.” Thanks Meredith, for teaching us how to spell the word bitch. Tell me, have you taught Matt Lauer yet how to spell A-D-U-L-T-E-R-Y?

O.M.G. It’s Kate…

After that awkward reporter introduction, finally our star graces the T.V. and immediately asks us, the viewers,

“Omigosh am I really that horrible of a mother?”

Well Kate, since you asked. On a mom scale of Carol Brady (best), Edina Monsoon (tolerable alcoholic) and Joan Crawford (worst)

you would be Joan Crawford 2.0.

Kate rambles on, saying she has been betrayed by the people closest to her. Does that include her hairdresser?

F-U-G-L-Y you ain’t got no alibi…

Back to the Reporters…

People Mag Wench tells us “Kate is the biggest celebrity to emerge out of the past two years.”

Hey, doesn’t my Facebook petition, SNL hosting gig and superbowl commercial mean anything to you, People?

Inside Edition Man says, “I think she’s a pop icon in the sense that everyone knows her and everyone has an opinion about her.”

Then Meredith Vieira chimes in “You don’t even have to say Kate Gosselin now. You can just say Kate and people know what Kate you’re talking about.”

Ummm no Meredith Vieira, they don’t. Kate isn’t a unique name like Madonna, Cher or RuPaul. When people hear the name Kate they may think of

*Kate Hudson

*Kate Winslet

*Kate and Allie

“Just when you think there’s no one around who’s caring, 
along comes a friend who offers a hand in sharing, 
and things start looking fine….”

*Kate “Katie Holmes”

*Cate Blanchett

*Kate Middleton

and well, you get the point.

Next, People Mag Wench once again says “This is (stutters) the biggest celebrity to emerge out of nowhere in recent years.”

BLASPHEMY!!! Two words: JUSTIN BIEBER!

Ahhh black screen…

For a dramatic scene transition, the screen went completely black. I’m kind of disappointed that Kate’s head doesn’t appear like those sweet ‘80s pics our parents used get of us at Sears. You know, where one kid’s head would be floating at the top and the other at the bottom.

Imagine that times eight!

Kate appears…

Kate tells us she remembers going into the New Year saying it can’t get worse than 2009. It has to be better, and she’s going to force it to be better.

Well, Kate, what are you going to do? Smack Baby New Year’s ass and put him in time out?

Please Kate, I have enough on my plate with that Eon bird…

Kate tells us she’s going to take the shambles of her life and literally, visually put them back together. Aww someone is having a Paula moment.

Putting the pieces together like MC Skat Kat.

Kate in her kitchen…

Kate wants us to know that she has conquered the world already. How you may ask? With her routine. She has acquired the skill of feeding her kids leftover ham for dinner while at the same time making ham soup on the stove that will be frozen later (ughh Kate’s grammar is horrible).

Impressive Kate, but not as impressive as Martha Stewart making this:

out of stolen Camp Cupcake prison condiments.

Kate, face it, you’ll never be a “Martha.”

Bitch, you got served. And “it’s a good thing.”

Kate’s hair and Dancing with the Stars…

Now it’s the moment we’ve been waiting for since this special episode started: Kate’s hair! Kate is sitting in a chair getting her ‘hair did’ and the camera man asks her, “Does it surprise you how much people talk about your hair?”

Kate replies, “No, it doesn’t. It never ends.” In fact, we learn that the much talked about hair extensions came about when People Magazine had her pose as Carol Brady for a photo shoot.

Don’t play ball in the house, bitches!!

Kate goes to ultra fab NYC stylist Ted Gibson to get her $7,000 weave. While sitting in the chair, she yelps that she’s freaked out and sick to her stomach.

The process is intense and time consuming. While Kate is getting her hair done, Ted consumes six cases of Red Bull and 20 hot pockets, Frodo makes it to Mordor and back, and Justin Bieber goes through puberty.

Finally, Kate’s hair is finished and media chaos ensues. Kate doesn’t get all the media hoopla regarding her hair, but Meredith Vieira does.

Meredith Vieira explains that the media needs to understand that “It’s Kate’s hair. If she wants to put extensions in her hair or cut it again or color it the colors of the rainbow like Catalina or Suzee from Space Cases than she can.”

I’m desperately seeking Suzee…

Shortly after Kate’s new hairdo took the media by storm, she made her Dirty Dancing debut on Dancing with the Stars.

Kate’s DWTS experience is pretty much the grown-up version of

LIGHT AS A FEATHER, STIFF AS A BOARD!!!

Regan, Christ compels you to tango…FOR YOUR LIFE!

After scarring us with scenes of Kate dancing, TLC softens the blow by giving us a peak into the everyday life of Kate and the kids at home.

Kate Plus 8 at home…

Kate and the kids are channeling their inner Bob Ross and coloring. Kate instructs them to color faster; however, I don’t think Bob Ross’ mother told him to paint quickly otherwise his clouds would have looked like this

Now brush a little bit of manic depressive Zoloft grey onto the canvas. Yeah, that’s it. Quick brush strokes.

The kids ignore Kate and discuss the merits of marshmallow beds. Unfortunately, none of them have had to share the hide-a-bed with Fuller. One can of Pepsi and that kid pisses like a race horse.

Kate redirects the children with an exercise involving drawing a box around a Christmas tree. One of Kate’s daughters screams, “Look at my box!” It appears the time has come for Kate to discuss the birds and the bees.

The name’s Box, Gloria Ironbox.

Ahhh black screen again…

Oh hello there! It’s a new guy and his name is Steve. Steve is Kate’s security guy. Kate says the paps are dangerous and she is trying to see beyond the paparazzi and see the people who are seeing what they’re seeing out there. Huh? Feels like I’m watching Dubya’s State of the Union Address. Evil-doers, Axis of Evil, Cheney…

Steve accompanies Kate pretty much everywhere including her L.A. book signing.

At the signing, Kate sighs and says, “It doesn’t feel real to me until I do a book signing. Also probably because my book was written by Ghostwriter.”

Ghostwriter must have done a shitty job because hardly anyone shows up for her book signing. After posing for media photos, Kate heads home.

Home, Home on the Range…

Kate says today is Crooked House Cleaning Day. Clearly, the Crooked Pirate House is not a fan of Kate’s because it bitch slaps her noggin.

Score: Crooked Pirate House – 1, Kate – 0

Unfortunately for Colin, Kate directs her anger toward him and snaps “I’m annoyed, Colin, so you might want to start working faster!”

Then like the Pine-Sol Lady on crack, Kate begins a mad cleaning spree of the garage. This is the kids’ cue to scram.

Two children flee to the Power Wheels. But can a Power Wheels outrun Kate’s dancing legs? I think it can.

Is this Power Wheels green? Shut the f–k up and step on it!

While two kids get Fast and Furious, another child attempts to climb a Wishing Tree. Too bad she’s a girl, and the tree rejects her.

Must climb faster. Help me, Ernest P. Worrell. The troll is coming!

I don’t think the kids escaped. The outcome must have been ugly because the reporters are back.

The Reporters…

People Mag Wench tells us “Early on people thought this was a cowboy story. This is a story about cheating, lying, divorcing, etc.”

It isn’t? I’m so confused.

Ahhh black screen again…

Damn that black screen keeps sneaking up on me.

Kate reiterates that 2010 is going to be a better year come hell or high water.

And in Oregon Trail I always manage to get my wagon across high water.

Kate’s positive affirmations appear to be failing because she is in NYC and has just found out that she is being sued for custody by her ex-husband Jon Gosselin. She is upset because she had to read about it on the internet.

What were you expecting, Kate? A Gossip Girl text alert?

Gossip Girl here. Kate, your husband is suing you for custody. XOXO

Kate manages to pull herself together and attends a TLC video event for “Say Yes to the Dress”. Kate jokes to Randy that he’ll never get her into that wedding store or to wear a white dress again. Hardy har har Kate Gosselin.

Ooo what’s this? You’re now “Clean Slate Kate.” Careful there or fans will start expecting you to change your name constantly like Sean Combs to Puffy, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, etc.

At this point, my DVR has started freezing. I think it is protesting “Clean Slate Kate.” Needless to say, I am unable to get it to play the last 10 minutes so off to Youtube I go. It is imperative that I found out how “Kate’s World” ends.

Inside Kate’s World Pt 5 (Thanks Youtube!)

Steve’s back and check out that title. Head of Security for the Gosselin family, Prudential Associates. Do you get a badge with that, Sheriff Harry Wee?

Steve wants us to know that admires Kate’s determination and her ability to get up in the morning.

Ohh snap here come Inside Edition Man and People Mag Wench. They blather on about the same old stuff and it looks like Meredith Vieira has jumped ship. Wise, Meredith Vieira, very wise.

Kate addresses the tabloid rumors about Dancing with the Stars cast tension. Ugh now we are back to Kate and Tony in the dancing studio again.

Whyyyy?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Kate explains that she did awesome in rehearsal but the second she hit the dance floor her mind started playing games on her. Kate says it was all mental and frankly her mind pisses her off.

She also knew the week that she was voted off that it was going to be her…because Ms. Cleo told her so.

“Kate’s World” wrap-up

After DWTS, Kate heads home to do what she does best, be a MOM! The kids and Kate are seated at the table. As the children eat, Kate says she has been very generous with veggie portions today because she has the hook-up, The Green Giant is an ex-boyfriend.

Jon’s baby carrot was no match for mine.

While Kate wrestles with the sink, the children decide to play the quiet game. After two seconds of spastic miming, they give up.

Ooo look the credits are starting to role. Kate voiceovers how she is excited for the opportunities that will be coming her way, and I’m excited that this episode of “Kate’s World” is finally over.

Thanks for reading Fighter 2. DON’T FORGET TO VOTE!!