**Welcome to our end of year Auditiongasm!! We need to enter 2013 with a hilarious new writer and as usual, our staffing is up to you!! Find all of the entries and the voting booth here.
Welcome to a new season of Real Housewives of… Oh, wait. Welcome to the new show “Sin City Rules” on TLC, sponsored by Botox.
We start right away with stock video scenes of Las Vegas, and someone is giving us a voiceover. She tells us that to us (peons), Las Vegas is a weekend, a strip club, a bachelor party. But what we find out is that each of them is…
…a Mobster’s Daughter…
…a Successful CEO…
…a Well-Connected Reporter…
…a World-Champion Poker Player…
…and a Multi-Millionaire.
Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club
Thirty seconds in, and we know the first thing about this show. They love lists. And that’s a trend we’ll be seeing for the rest of the episode.
Before the actual intro (which is every reality show intro you’ve ever seen, except with more b-roll of Vegas instead of food cooking or shots of exotic locations), we’re informed that they don’t play by the rules. They make them. Probably in the form of a bulleted list.
So now let’s meet the “girls”.
First we meet Lana, the multi-millionaire. She was born in the ghetto of the Ukraine, but thought of Vegas as home once she saw it. Ever since then, she’s worked hard for her boob-job, I mean “living”, and says that if she dies, she would want to come back as herself. Granted, probably with skin that wasn’t pulled quite so tight – if her forehead was stretched back any more, she wouldn’t have a head of hair, she’d have a tail.
Anyway, with our third list of the first minute and a half of the show, Lana tells use she’s a mom, an entrepreneur, a fashion designer, owns a management and consulting company, a non-profit organization, once scaled the Himalayas in only a bra and panties, shot the sheriff (but did not shoot the deputy), and has a record label.
Oh, and she’s God. And, no, I’m not joking. And, no, that won’t be the last time she calls herself that this episode. Isn’t delusion grand?
Now onto less divine matters, here’s Alicia, the reporter. They play a bunch of clips of her with various celebrities while she talks about knowing them. It’s all very exciting.
Speaking of celebrities, we then see her walking into an antiques shop with Violet Beauregarde, who, I’m sorry to say, Willy Wonka didn’t have juiced as he’d promised. Oh, never mind, that’s just Louis Anderson, who has really let himself go. Yes, I just said that Louis Anderson has “let himself go” – take a minute to let that sink in.
Anyway, they talk for a bit, she brown noses for a bit, and says that she’s very good at what she does. All in all, she seems pretty normal, but she’s not God, so how she got past casting is beyond me.