Auditiongasm: Sin City Rules: Fighter Three

**Welcome to our end of year Auditiongasm!! We need to enter 2013 with a hilarious new writer and as usual, our staffing is up to you!! Find all of the entries and the voting booth here. 

Sin City Rules: Whine Tasting

This is my first time watching this show, so I am trying to figure everyone out on the fly. Amy is first up, with amazing cheekbones and aMob background. Next up is Lori; I haven’t decided whether I will call her Nose or Wonky Eye. Alicia does her intro next and is hella creepy , but Sarah Jessica Parker-ish, kinda horsey. Did anyone see those PETA ads with SJP’s pictures and the plea to save the horses? Those shouldn’t be allowed, because they make me snort juice and I actually like her. Note to Jennifer: WASH YOUR HAIR!!! I may dub thee Nose and leave Wonky with just one name. Finally, we have Lana and all I have to say is ewwww.

We open with Amy and Jennifer (wearing Flashdance top with one shoulder out- it’s all coming back. Watch yourself) going for coffee and talking about how their kids don’t dress themselves. I can relate, I’m pretty sure my three year old is planning to never dress himself, which is going to make things strained with the future daughter-in-law.  Jennifer interviews that Amy comes off as strong and independent because of her mob background, wants to see what makes her tick. They get the biggest damn coffees I’ve ever seen, with four inches of whipped cream on top. This must be what they do instead of eating. Jennifer looks so odd, can’t put my finger on it: it’s the nose! It’s as though it belongs to someone else, or she’s incognito and stuck a silly putty nose on to throw everyone off. Or maybe there has been recent oral surgery, nothing below the nose move. She says she married her husband Marco after three weeks, proposal was “Wanna go get married, or eat some cheesecake?” and she chose marriage. Without even asking what KIND of cheesecake.  Good lord these women wear a shit ton of makeup, seriously. It’s the middle of the day! Is there an Elvira show that Amy is putting on later? But she is gorgeous, so I can’t hate too much. Those cheekbones!!

Amy interviews that her father, Tom Hanley, which I am totally going to look up because it sounds about as Mobb-y as Moby, made Vegas what it is today. Which means that his real name was Bugsy something-or-rather? I understand, I would go by Tom, too. Or Sunshine. Whatever.  In interview, she is wearing this very low-cut black dress and it looks like her breasts are SCREAMING. Man, all these tiny women that get massive implants, not only do I worry about their ability to remain upright, but their skin looks like it is stretched so tight! Like oww!  Nose, being the soul of sensitivity and compassion, asks Chesty how her dad died. Now I’m gathering this is one of their first solo meetings.  So maybe this shouldn’t be when you bring up the whole “tell me about how your Dad died when you were three ” thing, over enormous coffee beverages no less.  Wait until there is booze, for the love of Mike! Or you know her last name, something like that. When Chesty starts to cry, Nose actually rolls her eyes for a second before going to awkwardly hug her head. I know, Nose, what has the world come to when you can’t just ask someone insanely personal questions without them bursting into tears?