Auditiongasm: Sin City Rules: Fighter Three

Amy told Alicia that Lana says that Alicia is married and sleeps with married men. Maybe it was a game of telephone and what really happened is that Lana needs someone to marry her monkey because she is sleepy. Horses and monkeys, it could work. Wonky finds this almost appalling, so I have to ask, what would be actually appalling? The horse and the monkey thing? I wonder if almost is going to be the new literally, because clearly we need one more reason to stab Merriam-Webster right through the heart. Horse says she has been separated for 7 years, and they live apart. 7 years??? Hey, here’s an idea! Divorce! Nose has a great plan, she suggests that Horse could / should have just called Lana and asked her WTF. Silly Nose, that might have resolved something, and TLC wouldn’t have been able to milk this for an entire season. She has been hanging out with men. But she offers to have Horse’s back anyway, so she must know SOMEthing about these shows. After a beat, Wonky jumps in too. This is so Mean Girls!  They should totally do a burn book.

Wonky wants to throw a cocktail party so that they can move forward. From what? An unaddressed accusation of possible adultery with adulterous partners? This is not losing a leg, or walking into a helicopter blade, this is not something you move forward from or past, this is bored ladies talking. I could stir up more shit than this with one pipecleaner and a fedora. Horse throws in the Lana-is-sleeping-with-her-trainer, oh no she di’nt! I’m going to go hug my baby now, because these people make me feel just a little bit sad and dirty. Okay, back to the bile! If someone says something about you and you’re mad because they don’t know you and how dare they, and then you say something about them, but you don’t know them either, it either makes you incredibly non-self-aware, or these women. Wonky interviews that it is almost tit-for-tat, so it appears that yes, almost is the new literally. Sigh. 

Nose has two twin boys, so cute! And says her kids come first, then poker, and her husband comes a distant third. Hold up, that is not okay. You have to make your spouse a priority, do you think hot Italian-accented greasy haired guys that are big parts of their kids care are just falling off trees everywhere? I mean, at the very least, he helped you make the adorable kids, maybe throw him a bone once in a while. And by bone, I mean vagina. 

Amy is working at her office, which looks a lot like her house, and is swinging around in a chair while wearing a one-shoulder blouse and a bow in her hair. Like you totally would. She has a financial interest in a business that works with a lawyer to make all your problems go away. Huh? That sounds mobby. Her mom shows up and they have a baby-voice conversation about something, I don’t know, I was too distracted by the rudeness of Chesty reading her phone while talking to someone. In the room. Okay, it’s a real office, one with a ghost even. It is over an old Sherrif’s jail, and her dad even went to jail there. Family ties! One big circle of life, people. They walk downstairs and for the love of God, what are you people wearing???? Hookers would bypass this shite. They look at the haunted storage room and decide to get someone in to cleanse the aura of the building, which just goes to show that there is a circle of life about stupid people and money, too.