Auditiongasm: Sin City Rules: Fighter Five

**Welcome to our end of year Auditiongasm!! We need to enter 2013 with a hilarious new writer and as usual, our staffing is up to you!! Find all of the entries and the voting booth here.  

Sin City Rules Season 1 Episode 2: “Whine Country”

Greetings from sunny Las Vegas!  For Auditiongasm 2012, we’ve been assigned to duke it out lexicographer style by recapping TLC’s latest reality offering, Real Housewives of Las Vegas Sin City Rules.  And if the Previouslies are any indication, there’s already some trouble brewin’ in paradise.  Mega-rich, seriously-crazy-ass Lana has decided she’s “allergic” to (former?-)entertainment-reporter Alicia.  While CuntLana’s aversion is purportedly due to Alicia’s rumored penchant for bedding married men, the fact that she runs around calling Alicia “The Lizard” in reference to Alicia’s surgically altered appearance indicates that it’s much more likely that CuntLana is just, well, a total cunt.

Mob-daughter Amy gets in on the joke, gifting CuntLana a blond-tressed plastic lizard complete with mini-license plate reading “Alicia.”  Then Amy switches sides, revealing CuntLana’s disdain while lunching with Alicia.  Alicia, doing her best to look shocked when it’s pretty obvious that all that work has left her with a face incapable of showing much emotion, responds by accusing CuntLana of sleeping with her trainer.  I’m left to wonder exactly how many slam books are being passed amongst this crowd of Vegas-flavored soccer moms. 

After a disappointingly boring intro, we open on Amy and poker-diva Jennifer at a coffee shop.  We learn through Amy’s TLC-inspired questioning that Jennifer got married after knowing her husband for only three weeks.  Apparently after dinner one night he asked “do you want to have cheesecake or do you want to go get married?” and got married they did.  Twelve years and two kids later, they’re still going strong, albeit with all the challenges inherent to balancing career and family.  I’m wondering how often one of them looks at a slice of cheesecake and thinks “man did I fuck that one up.”

Next we learn that Amy’s dad died when she was just three years old.  Apparently he was in the Federal Witness Protection Program, but only pretending to be a dirty rat; he knew that if he actually testified against his former associates, they’d off his non-federally protected family so he decided to fudge on the “Witness” part of the program.  A week and a half after screwing up a federal trial with his botched testimony, MobDad was found dead.  Clearly Amy has learned nothing from this chain of events, as indicated by her allegiance-flipping with respect to mobster-CuntLana and fed-Alicia (or overfed-Alicia, as CuntLana would say).  That fence jumping shit’ll get you whacked!

Now it’s time to play Just How Crazy Is This Bitch?!? over at CuntLana’s house palatial manor.  Boxing champion Sugar Shane Mosley stops by as CuntLana interviews that he’s a friend and a client.  I’m jarred out of wondering what sort of services CuntLana provides outside of drama incitement and general troublemaking that could possibly be utilized by Sugar Shane when the actual source of his visit is revealed: it’s a monkey play date!  What the f@#k?!?  CuntLana interviews that Mikey the Monkey has become an integral part of their lives.  He’s spoiled rotten and speaks English, Russian and Spanish, though he needed no words to convey “your life sucks” to me with his eyes.