Auditiongasm: Sin City Rules: Fighter Five

Back to CuntLana’s.  Amy swings by and drops Alicia’s bombshell about CuntLana sleeping with her trainer.  CuntLana interviews that she would never sleep with the help.  “In my world, number one, we do not fuck below our class.  If I were to mess around it would have to be someone with a title.  I like titles and countries.  A duke, a king, a sheik, a prince…”  Hate hate hate.  After a commercial, Jennifer takes Amy’s place at Casa de Cunt and we learn that some poor schmuck has been married to CuntLana for 21 years.  Jennifer talks about how exhausting poker can be, saying she’ll choose sleep over sex almost every time.  CuntLana is horrified, giving us the only inkling as to how one man could put up with all her attention-whoring, vitriolic cuntiness for any length of time – she clearly loves her some monkey.

Back to Amy’s haunted office – it’s time for the seance!  Amy, Amy’s mom and, randomly, Lori are there to meet Tim the Medium.  They go down into the spooky basement where Tim contacts Amy’s dad on The Other Side.  Tim reveals that DeadDad killed a bunch of people and basically was a horrible person, but he wants Amy to know he’s sorry and that he loves her.  Amy is clearly affected by the whole thing, openly weeping.  Her mom less so, preferring instead to ask why DeadHusband remained such an evil prick if he’s so sorry about all the hell he put her through.  Ah, mediums.  Re-opening thirty-year-old wounds so it feels like they just happened yesterday.

After some filler, we finally get to tonight’s big scene: the wine tasting at Lori’s house.  The whole thing is, as expected, extremely uncomfortable.  Jennifer interviews that she’s praying for a call about a poker game so she can bust on up out of that clusterfuck and I wonder why she didn’t have Marco call in a half hour just in case.  The ladies (and CuntLana) head outside and Lori finally brings up the elephant in the room: CuntLana’s War On Alicia.  CuntLana starts offering what seems like an apology, saying she passed judgment before she actually got to know Alicia and she had no right to do that, but she repeatedly brings up homewrecking and reptiles throughout and says “so there you go” in lieu of “I’m sorry,” making this the most disingenuous attempt at an apology of all time.

Alicia is shocked – or again, I’m guessing she is; that face is pretty set in the one expression – and says nothing, prompting CuntLana to continue her “apology” with “Maybe in your world women sleep with trainers.  In my world, we have much higher standards.”  Who IS this bitch?  She is so totally out of line!  Much to TLC’s chagrin, instead of flipping tables or pulling hair extensions, Alicia classily retorts that CuntLana has been nothing but unkind and unfriendly and unwelcoming toward her since their worlds collided in the name of reality television.  CuntLana storms out, but not before retracting her “apology” and officially declaring war on Alicia and I can’t believe this bitch hasn’t been stabbed yet.