Audrina: Celebrity Family Breakdown

Time to live the life with Audrina. But this week, there’s trouble on the horizon.  We see with a grainy black and white flashback of Audrina’s Mom, the Drunken Shrew, fighting with Casey. There’s threats of never letting Drunken Shrew see the grandkids again. And then there’s Audrina on the white screen telling us the is the worst fight ever. “One thing is said and it changes everything…” she says ominously.

It’s, like, really bad you guys.

Then she tells us we need to go back to the beginning, which is when Audrina, Drunken Shrew and Casey were in a cab in NYC. Audrina is giving a sappy speech, when all of the sudden she receives an email telling her that Donald Trump would like to meet with her the next afternoon. He says he has “opportunities” for her. Or whatever Mark Burnett (producer of both The Apprentice & Audrina) told him to say.

Drunken Shrew is delighted and begs to go along on the meeting. Casey laughs a little too hard at her dumb joke that taking DS on any business meeting is bad business – I’m sorry, because you know exactly what about business? What do you do, exactly? You’ve spent the last two days riding around in cabs and eating in cheap diners. You’re not much of a mogul.

The next morning, Casey checks out of the hotel and takes off a day early because she can’t deal with Drunken Shrew anymore. Upstairs in the room, Audrina idiotically blathers about what a great time she thinks Casey had on the trip. Right, considering how she ditched them a day early. Drunken Shrew makes sure she mentions how happy she was to see Casey without her husband Kyle Looza.

Then they start talking about Donald Trump, and Drunken Shrew tells us she thinks he’s “crisp”. She has a crush. They’re both getting their hair done for the big meeting. Audrina mentions that DS is a wild card, so she’s not sure about taking her to a business meeting.

I love how she’s calling this “business”.

They get to Trump Tower , everyone says “Mr. Trump” about a million times, and then they meet the man himself. The moment they do, the strangest thing happens and Audrina is suddenly able to string a sentence together. I had no idea. Drunken Shrew starts flirting with Donald, and then he asks if she and Pa-Drina are together.

“Oh, they’re togeth-“ starts Audrina.

“Well, he’s on the west coast, and I’m on the east coast,” interrupts Drunken Shrew. Wow, aggressive. The look on Donald’s face is priceless. He says absolutely nothing. Then he tries to make conversation with Audrina, which is pretty awkward because even though she seems to have momentarily learned how to use brain to send messages to her mouth, there’s still not a whole lot to say about her.

He tells her how great she did on Dancing With The Starts. Seriously? Is Donald Trump sitting around with Melania watching Dancing With The Stars? Then he tells her she’d be great on Celebrity Apprentice. Audrina and DS are thrilled at that news.

If you can fit it into your crazy, busy schedule.

Then he remembers that he also owns the Miss Universe pageant, and tells her maybe she can do something with that. “I’ve seen the Miss Universe pageant!” Audrina tells us excitedly.

Well, then you are clearly an expert.

Obligatory meeting out of the way, Donald gives the ladies hugs goodbye, and DS basically molests him. “What nice people,” he comments as they leave.

Audrina and DS sit around having drinks and talking about Drunken Shrew’s crush on Donald Trump. And just then, Audrina’s phone rings. It’s Joanna Coles, the bitchy British editor of Marie Claire. To tell her she got the style feature. I’m momentarily shocked and annoyed and then I remember the last MC I saw had Miley Cyrus on the cover. So it’s basically become a slightly upgraded Star.

Take notes, Joanna Coles.

Of course Audrina carries on about how “amasink” the whole thing is. Drunken Shrew tells her how proud she is of her. Audrina says that everything in her “professional life” is going great. Her “profession” is basically getting dressed.

Back in Orange County , Casey’s husband Looza is tattooing her in what looks like their garage. She recounts the fight over the alleged slutty black dress. Looza says how he doesn’t understand how DS is so mean to her. He tells her she’s beautiful and her boobs are perfect. Awww, Looza’s kind of sweet.

Casey wisely says that she can’t control her Drunken Shrew, she can only control her reaction to it. They talk about going to dinner at Drunken Shrew’s house that night, and how it will be a scene. And that’s why the kids aren’t going.

At the Patridges, they show a picture of Donald Trump and laugh about Drunken Shrew’s crush. Pa-Drina wants to know if he has competition from “The Trumpster”. Then he good naturedly mentions that he doesn’t blame her, the guy’s a millionaire.

And then the topic turns to Looza. I really don’t know what Drunken Shrew’s problem is with him. There must be some back story we don’t know about. Anyway, Audrina’s brother wants to know the last time he was at their house for dinner, and DS makes a big deal about how he tries to isolate Casey because he has to be the center of attention. Then she tells the kids dramatically how nauseous she is over the impending event.

He makes me want to puke, but I’m just gonna put on my fancy gray sweatshirt and red dish towel and be the gracious host I always am.

Audrina tells us the problem with Kyle is that he makes Casey uptight. So seriously, what is the real problem? Meanwhile, poor Casey is in the car with Looza nearly having a panic attack as they pull up to the house.

They walk in and Looza gives Drunken Shrew a hug, and then comments how surprised DS seemed that he did it. He says that he thinks she wants him to mess up so she’ll have some kind of proof that he’s a bad person. And you know, I don’t know the whole story, and I know I’m calling him Looza and everything, but he doesn’t seem so awful. And Drunken Shrew…well, enough said.

Audrina once again just hopes it’s all gonna go okay. They talk about the NYC trip, and then Casey says that Tattoo Magazine has called and asked her and Looza to be on the cover! This is a big deal in the tattoo world. And of course DS has to ruin it (but also excellently prove Casey’s point about her) by exclaiming, “You don’t want to be in Tatttoo Magazine, do you?”

No, whatever gave you that idea?

When Drunken Shrew finds out that the shoot is in LA, she asks if she can watch the grandkids for the day. Casey kind of doesn’t answer, so DS amends the request to “Can I do anything?” Which Casey jumps on, and tells her that she can come watch the shoot in LA. What a brilliant trap! DS has spent the whole dinner so far talking about how proud she was to be along for Audrina’s fashion show adventure.

And there is no response from DS. So after dinner, Drunken Shrew brings it up with Casey again. She asks her to bring the grandkids by on Friday, and Casey gives her a “Maybe, yeah.” Pa-Drina says maybe means no. And DS starts getting heated. Until Casey finally tells her that she “doesn’t feel comfortable bringing them over”. Drunken Shrew doesn’t even ask why. She just starts yelling about how she would never hurt her grandkids.

Casey tells her it’s not that – it’s her “negative aura”. Drunken Shrew asks her if she’s serious, and then starts yelling that she’s being accused of being an “unfit Grandma”. Then she says she has grandparents’ rights.

Drunken Shrew screams and slurs and waves her glass of wine around, and wonders why they don’t want to bring a three year old around. Audrina handles it like she always does.

I’m just going to stand her with this puppy until everyone calms down.

Drunken Shrew yells that that “cowardly worm” Looza is never allowed in her house again, even though as far as I saw, all he did was hug her hello and keep his mouth shut during dinner. Audrina tells us what a dramatic situation this is and how it’s slid so far downhill there’s no fixing things now.

Well, this was the big fight and it was the most boring episode so far. And that’s saying a lot. Next week, Drunken Shrew continues her crusade to be around kids by yelling a stream of swearwords so long all you hear is a beep about a minute long.  See you then for more life in the celebrity family fastlane.