Audrina: Fame Is Full Of Surprises

Something seemed confusing to me when I tuned into this week’s action packed Audrina episode. The “last week, on Audrina….” section was full of shit I swear I have not seen before. An anniversary party? A surprise visit from her boyfriend? Did I fall asleep from boredom and miss an entire episode? What happened?

Hold on, I’m thinking.

Well, days later and I still have no answers, but I did buy the stupid thing from itunes so that I could faithfully recap all the action. I mean, “action”. And the nerve of VH1, really. Burning episodes behind our backs? Audrina is hugely famous, you know. Surely her public will not stand for this.

What’s going on this week is Drunken Shrew and PaDrina (thanks Hypnotoad!), are celebrating the 26th anniversary of when the poor man was lobotomized, drugged and placed into indentured servitude to a skanky drunk lady. Or as their calling it, a wedding anniversary. Audrina and the little sister go jewelry shopping with Pa, where there is much discussion of Drunken Shrew’s discriminating taste in jewels.

I insist on 100% diamonte.

Turns out for their 25th, Pa bought a boat instead of jewelry. Rather then take this as an obvious sign that he is planning to murder her boxed wine soaked ass at sea, she instead got pissed and now he really does have to buy a new ring to make things look copacetic.

Eh, I’ll just slip it off her hand while I’m tossing her overboard.

Then it’s time to plan the big anniversary event, which I’m sure is something that happens every year, regardless of taping status. Let’s get Audrina’s take on things. “Yes, the second episode! And mind you, every episode is so exciting there’s never a dull moment,” she teased to MTV News. “That’s what’s so amazing.” Yup, nothing dull about copying the exact same episode of Real Housewives of OC that was on three weeks ago. I am telling you, these OC folk will not be satisfied until we have collectively stabbed out our eyes in either horror or boredom and we should all be very afraid.

So there’s talk of Casey, the black sheep of the family. Audrina and Lil Sis don’t see her as much, she’s busy with her family, but they miss her. Then they talk about the family dinner, and discuss the fight between Casey and Drunken Shrew. Of course we get a flashback. “She’s kind of rude to Mom,” simpers one sister. “But Mom’s not nice to her either,” counters the other sister. A stunning retort indeed.

Things have been getting worse and worse between DS and Casey and it makes everyone else uncomfortable. But there’s a show to be filmed and a premise to be fulfilled, so Drina ’s stuck having lunch with the girl. And that’s when we find out her married name is “Loza”, which is just a little to similar to Looza for me to not wonder why they didn’t change it?

Mid-lunch, the paparzzi show up. Or as Audrina, great slayer of the English language calls them “paparazzis”. Casey laments all the baggage that comes along with being the sister of such a humongous star. Then she makes a pointed speech about all the things she’s doing: raising two kids, cooking, cleaning, becoming a pilot and starting a makeup line. And a really pointed comment about how she’s doing it all without an assistant. Bravo. No one else on earth raises a family and invents companies around their dining room table. And without an assistant.

I’m every woman.

Anyway, Casey’s too busy proving how much more busy she is than Audrina, which is some challenge because we all know how jam packed Audrina’s life is with crazy busy stuff.

You don’t understand. I have a bikini shoot, a meeting for Bring It On 27, and one of Frankie Delgado’s parties. It’s like, really crazy.

Audrina tells Casey about the party, which somehow everyone is finding time in their busy schedules for, and she’s surprisingly on board! But then she tells her that she needs to write a speech for the party and she’s not so stoked on that. “Thanks for having sex,” she composes at the table. Audrina frets that Casey’s a firecracker and you just never know what you’re going to get with her.

Hopefully, ratings.

On a side note, do you know how hard it is to get screen pictures of these people? Their expressions never change.

The next night, or some other time whenever, Audrina and her friends are going out in a limo. Then they get really excited when they see photographers outside their destination. “There’s paparazzis,” squeals Audrina the seasoned celebrity who’s just so totally over it.There’s a bit of voiceover about the boyfriend in Australia , and then we’re in the club where the first thing our heroine wants to know is if there’s any cute boys there. Oh wait, they’re for her friends. And let’s see, what’s a nice way to say this… I guess when they were casting her friends, they were really making the point that Audrina’s the hot one.

We went to the casting call at Talbots.

One of the Talbots girls screams to get the party started, and predictable whoo-whooing commences. Oh, and Audrina makes sure to tell us that her boyfriend doesn’t like it when she goes out in LA because she always gets hit on. By guys who are attracted to very deep humility. She also always invites her old pal Kevin out with her. Kevin’s also there to make Audrina look pretty. They talk a bit about jealousy, and Audrina says she trusts the boyfriend, but he does get a lot of naked pictures sent to him, so that makes her nervous.

Yeah, I don’t know why she’s talking to me either.

Oh well, back to the party. The kids are all really proud of themselves for putting together the whole thing in just a week. “The whole thing” consists of a balloon arch and some blown up photos. So congrats on conquering Kinkos and Party City in just seven days. You are dynamos. Of course Casey starts a fight about the seating arrangement, with a plan that involves no couples seated next to each other. Probably because her husband isn’t invited.

Actually, he is. So she simply instructs the brother Marky to “read an etiquette book” for proper Orange County seating protocol. Anyway, it does seem like a perfectly nice party. PaDrina and Drunken Shrew seem really touched, and actually Drunken Shrew doesn’t seem drunk at all. Actually, she looks kind of nice. Aurdina, Marky and Lil Sis give sweet and uninspired speeches….and then it’s Casey’s turn.

Bring it.

“I wanted to let them know how I felt,” she says. Dramatic music swells. Is she going to tell off Drunken Shrew? Ugh, no. She gives a sweet, heartfelt and kind of funny speech. Fuck ratings. Then they do a slide show of family photos which is a total snore even for people I know and like. Which makes the Patridge family album about as good as mainlining an IV full of boredom.

Then it’s time for the bestowal of the anniversary gift on Drunken Shrew. “It better be a rock. I deserve a rock,” she threatens, classy as ever. Whatever this is, it’s wrapped up in lots of boxes inside of boxes. And when she gets to the littlest box…it’s empty!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

PaDrina explains that since Drunken Shrew has such fine and discriminating tastes, he’s just going to let her pick out her own ring. So, not a complete moron.

Does anyone else think Audrina’s sister looks a lot like LC?

And then, as the party winds down, there’s a big surprise. I mean, there’s a big surprise! It’s Corey, Audrina’s boyfriend from Australia. Who just happened to pop into Orange County and somehow just knew where the anniversary party was being held.

Right? I didn’t know I was coming either!

Everyone is ooohing and ahhhing over the big “surprise”. Everyone, that is, except Casey. “He is so fake. I hate Corey,” she says simply. Finally! A modicum of intrigue.

Get the fuck off me. And your tie offends Chickbomb.

And then we leave the anniversary party to go the the episode that actually aired. Today’s activity is pilates. It’s quality time for Audrina and Drunken Shrew, who’s allegedly still bummed out about the fact that despite Casey’s nice anniversary speech, she still hates her.

It’s also an excuse to introduce this guy:

Look at my pilates instructor! He wears tank tops and spandex! Isn’t my life so crazy?!?

Naturally, this clown makes his entrance via backflips. He does seem like kind of a good pilates instructor though. Drunken Shrew doesn’t like it though. So she just chats with Audrina about the totally unexpected surprise of the boyfriend dropping in, just in time for Valentines Day. Which it will surprise no one to learn that DS is one of those idiots who pronounces it “ValentiMes Day”. It’s not a “time”. There’s no “m”. Way confusing, I know.

Seriously, the first five minutes of this 22 minute show were spent on what happened last week, what’s going to happen this week and then the pilates class. I’m just going to say it. I think we might be suffering from a lack of material.

And then it’s time to meet the evil Kyle, husband of Casey. Here’s the first shot we get of these two:

Power couple.

It appears that they are possibly sewing together Kyle’s pants? I’m not really too sure what’s happening here, I’m admittedly not versed in the mating habits of trash. But there’s some kind of thread on his pants, and rather than find a scissor and cut it his solutions are: 1. Casey bites the thread hanging off his crotch, or 2. He slices it with a steak knife, in the one inch vicinity of his wife’s hands.

He goes with Option 2, nearly maiming Casey, who in turn tells us, “I don’t think there’s one reason I love Kyle. He’s just my soul mate.” She reads aloud a card that he bought her, surely to prove to the viewing public what an thoughtful, lyrical husband she has. Except the words in the card go something like, “No matter what you do or say, my love for you will never sway.”

No one pulls off third grade poetry like you, baby. So in love.

Casey reminds us that she is still not speaking to Drunken Shrew. Cut to lunch with Aurdina and DS. Audrina tries to play peacemaker, and whines about it in the process. I do sort of feel for DS. She really does seem sad that Casey won’t talk to her. But knowing what we do about DS, something tells me she’s not the victim here.

And then we get her version – it’s Kyle’s fault. According to DS, Kyle is controlling and jealous of Audrina. Actually, this sounds kind of plausible. Casey did seem really resentful of, well, I can’t really call whatever it is Audrina’s doing a “career”, but she did seem as confused as the rest of us about why Audrina’s life required a television show. And something about Looza just bothers me.

So let’s try another story line. Audrina and Corey are hanging out in her kitchen, and she’s making a fruit bowl! Should she put blueberries in it? Strawberries? Or be daring, and put both?

Craziest fruit bowl preparation ever!

But things are not cool. Corey’s there to spend time with Audrina, but she is just too crazy busy to accommodate him. I mean, she has a fitting. And then we get another Patrdige classic:

“I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am, I can’t just like, give it up.”

For reals. That white background interview and single spotlight did not arrive via fairy godmother, you know. There was a lot of hard work that went into it. Of course Corey’s upset that Audrina can’t interrupt her high octane career to spend time with him when he’s only in town for a few days. And of course Audrina reminds us for the 3,467th time that her life is just so crazy, and if Corey can’t understand that then he has the wrong girl.
Then she goes off to this very demanding life of hers, which consists of an afternoon trying on dresses at Badgley Mischka while a bunch of people stand around and tell her how beautiful she is.

It’s exhausting, really.

I mean, sometimes even I don’t know how I do it.

See, I work so hard people applaud me.

I will grant that when you don’t get too close to the ceiling eyes, Audrina is gorgeous. Then she calls Casey and tries to resolve the whole war between her and Drunken Shrew by inviting Casey to the fashion show in New York that she was so jealous of DS over.

Then it’s Valentines Day, which is also the day that Corey is going back to Australia. Audrina has planned a surprise for Corey, but there’s a problem. Corey hates surprises. Kind of strange when you think about it, how a guy who hates surprises planned that big one at Audrina’s parents’ party, right? Anyway, Corey wants to lay around in bed all day,but Drina’s got other ideas.

Her big shocking surprise? Skydiving. But I’ll let it go, cause I know an actual original idea would just make the poor girl’s head explode and she has also put together a very cute look for the event.

And smart. Nobody’s hair stays intact after a 10,000 foot free fall.

There’s all kinds of talk about how they could die doing this. Followed by dramatic music, and Audrina solemnly telling us, “This is it.” Then we learn that Audrina and Corey haven’t been “seeing eye to eye”, whatever that means, and the whole idea of skydiving was to “take a leap of faith to make this work”. Nice sentiment, except they dive separately, each attached to an instructor.

Audrina screams about how “amasink!” it is is about a hundred times as she flies through the air, and then she and Corey each land – at different times – on a big heart painted on the field. Nothing says spontaneous romance like landing in a big heart with a random skydiving instructor. And then waiting for your girlfriend to land in the heart with her skydiving instructor. And then awkwardly hugging for the cameras.

This will be awesome symbolism as soon as Audrina lands with her skydiving dude.

“We risked our lives together on Valentines Day!” Audrina brags proudly. They agree to enjoy the rest of the day together, but then it’s time for Corey to get on a plane. Well, nobody likes goodbye and these two are no different. Small talk about how long distance relationships aren’t easy and it’s hard to leave each other and then he’s off and Audrina’s not sure what the future holds.

Should I stay with “I’m done?” Or is it time to make up a new catchphrase? Oh, the pressures of celebrity.

Where does it all lead? Stay tuned…