Audrina: I’m Done

We’ve made it to the season finale of Audrina.  I have just two things to say:

I’m done.

Well, maybe I have a little more to say.  First, let’s catch up on last week, starting with family drama. Casey is telling us how blameless she is in everything, and how it’s easier for Audrina to just pick their Mom, the Drunken Shrew’s side so she doesn’t get the wrath. She goes on to tell us how she’s been shunned and ignored by Audrina, and then leaves a message for Audrina, wondering why she hasn’t called or texted back.

Well, Audrina’s been swamped, what with being a crazy busy high powered businesswoman and everything. She has what she calls a business meeting – it’s the end folks, I’m not bother putting quotations around things like “business meeting” or “celebrity” or “technically functioning brain” anymore.  Oh, and it’s with her Dad.

All they talk about is the real star of the show, Casey. Audrina reports to Padrina that Casey finally called back, which is kind of the opposite of what Casey was saying, but I’m not going to bother pointing out these discrepancies anymore because everyone plays that game when they don’t want to talk to you.

Then she whines about Corey for a little while. There might have been an “I’m done” in there. Or not. Doesn’t matter. Anyway, if this is a business lunch, I sure hope they don’t get audited.

And then time for the real business meeting, which is with some frumpy ladies from Texas and their skin care line. Audrina has also brought along Drunken Shrew, which doesn’t seem like a smart idea until it becomes clear that DS is kind of their target market. DS proudly informs us that she doesn’t do much for her skin, but she looks great so she must be doing something right.

Yes, you too can look like old whiskey and old cigarettes. No special secret about it. Just, you know, whiskey and old cigarettes.

Drunken Shrew tells us that the skin care people “gave us some schoolin’ on something’ ” she says disgustedly, as though education is a bad thing. Oh wait, I forgot about the three kids with no discernible jobs. So, there you go.  And it gets better. “I have a skin care line,” she trills joyously.   Nothin’ to it.

And then we’re back in LA. Audrina is showing her friend a humungous photo from her Bongo shoot plastered on the side of a building. Her body looks sick and everything, but Bongo? I remember someone bought me some Bongo shorts when I was 9 and I refused to wear them then. Audrina’s not helping the cause. Then she tells us that it was a dream to have a huge billboard. Aiming high, dear.

They go out to lunch and the friend dutifully asks about Nick the polo player. The whole Nick thing showed her there are gentlemen out there, but she thinks she needs to work out her own issues. The main issue being her boyfriend, psycho Corey. There’s lots of piano music n’ platitudes. “Enough is enough.” “There’s only so many times…”  And ” It’s over.”

So moving on, Corey took the liberty of deleting Audrina’s Facebook account, stealing her passwords and then kicked her door open for good measure. He’s also been calling her family and saying terrible things, and attacking her on Twitter . So you can certainly understand why she’s struggling with leaving him. But the most egregious of crimes – he’s calling her insecure. Who, Audrina?  Televised emotional abuse by at least three guys simply reeks of self-assurance.

Oh, and by the way, the “I’m done” count was 3 for Audrina and 2 for the friend. But the best part comes when Audrina, in all seriousness, tells her friend that “he helped me break the cycle of going back again.”

I’m only saying “I’m done” 84 more times. The cycle is so totally broken.

And then it’s time to meet Casey for dinner. Padrina and Audrina brew up a plan to surprise Casey with him showing up at the end of dinner. Casey and Audrina meet up and seem happy to see each other. That lasts about five minutes until the passive aggressive backhanded volleys start flying. Well, on Casey’s side. Drina’s sweetpea brain isn’t evolved enough for that kind of conversation.

Casey piously tells Audrina she’s just been busy focusing on her kids. Audrina says no one knows what to do. Drunken Shrew is trying to apologize, but Casey doesn’t respond because she has her phone set to automatically delete DS’s calls and texts. Which also explains the mystery of never getting Audrina’s calls either, but I doubt she picks up on that.

Casey complains that Audrina never takes her side, and they’re harder on Casey. Then she jumps really high up on her tattooed horse and says that she has God and that’s the only father she needs. “He’s never gonna not return my phone calls,” she says.

Well, not unless he’s too busy hooking Audrina up with polo players.

And then her substitute Dad, Padrina shows up. Casey is not happy. Padrina asks Audrina if she’s told Casey about Sunday. What’s Sunday? It’s little Sammi’s sweet 16 surprise party at the house. It’s also Casey and Kyle Looza’s anniversary. Well, that was a little rude, getting married on lil’ sister’s birthday.

But now the story is that as much as Casey loves Samantha, she’s not going to her parents’ house again. Padrina makes them all hold hands at the table and promise that they’re all going to get along. Sounds like a plan, so long as they lock Drunken Shrew in a trunk forever.

Casey tries for the millionth time to get someone in the family to stand up for her, for once. Everyone smiles pleasantly in response. Padrina articulates in classic Patridge fashion that “we need to put this behind us because, you know, we’re a family, you know.” Everyone agrees that they miss each other, it sucks, it hurts, and they all know.

Then we have a dumb scene where Audrina plays baller and buys her little sister several pair of sunglasses, and then buys herself some shoes. Sammi knows that nothing’s free, so she dutifully queries Audrina about Corey. Oh, and also he was sitting outside their house crying.  Poor 16 year old Sammi reports that he was crying in the car and he couldn’t drive and she’s never even seen her Dad or brother cry like that, but Corey’s a jerk so Audrina shouldn’t feel bad. Isn’t this such an appropriate situation to be discussing with a 16 year old?

But wait…Audrina is still torn. Torn! She just can’t bear to see him cry. Even 16 year old Sammi’s rolling her eyes. “Don’t do what he wants just cause he’s gonna cry about it,” she advises.

Now buy me more sunglasses.

And finally, it’s time to end things with Corey. Well, at least time to talk about ending things temporarily until dodo bird takes him back. This is the last time, she promises…followed by, “after this, we’re either going to make it or end it.”

Like, I said, over it.

Her Dad drops her off for the face off, because everyone’s nervous that Corey’s gonna go crazy. Or need Kleenex. Audrina’s really tarted up for the occasion.  Nothing says it’s over like a smoking hot red dress and sparkly eye makeup. Corey shows up at the bar, and he is not happy about the cameras.

“Look at this shit!” he yells, “Do we need to do this on TV?” She laughs. Oh silly Corey, reality television is the only thing that validates Audrina, and therefore your relationship, so yes – it does need to be on TV. He swears a bit more, and Audrina very very seriously explains that “everything in my life is being documented right now.” Documented? These are home movies, sweetie. You’re not exactly making cinetmatic history here.

He literally runs away from her. She says she’s not chasing him around the restaurant. It will surprise exactly no one to know that she then proceeds to chase him around the restaurant. She starts talking and all he has to say is, “This is bad.”  Hey loser, you’re wearing a trucker hat.  A Red Bull trucker hat. Yes. It’s bad.

And our lobotomized heroine tells him that she is giving him an opportunity. He sits there in a grey hoodie, chomping on gum and glaring at her.  Then she bounces back from “giving him the opportunity” to being “just done”. Again. Then she mixes it up a little by telling us how numb she feels.

Having watched this for over 2 months now, I know exactly how you feel.

So she leaves Corey (for now), and Padrina very sweetly takes her arm and helps her into his truck. He even stumbles a little on the curb. Such a cute Dad. In the aftermath, Audrina tells us how the last few days have been – you guessed it – crazy. After the breakup, she was what she called an emotional wreck.

I listened to Sara Bareilles for five days straight.

Luckily, she has Sammi’s sweet 16 and the Casey drama to distract her. She asks Sammi what kind of car she asked Padrina for, and we cut to Padrina good natured-ly tells us that she gave him a list of five convertibles. “It’s the last car I have to buy for a Patridge kid,” he shrugs. Casey gets mentioned again – she’s back to ignoring Audrina, but is still texting Sammi sometimes.

Audrina is the cover for the surprise party, and while they’re driving around making small talk about Casey and convertibles, kids are being literally bussed in for the surprise party. They arrive at the party, and Sammi is thrilled. It really is a sweet moment, but isn’t there a whole other show on MTV about this crap? True to format, there’s some local band that no one outside of the local town has even heard of, but that everyone at the party is bananas over.

Casey didn’t make it there for the surprise. It was “unexcusable” says Audrina the super smarty. And, then in comes the Mercedes SLK for the 16 year old. That’s right – a SLK for a 16 year old Sammi. Even Drunken Shrew thinks it’s a little wrong. “I’m happy we were able to do that, but that’s a hell of a car for a 16 year old,” she muses.

ChickDad got me a used Honda, and then he made me go to college.

And look, Grampa Patridge is there! It’s a Jamaican themed party and it looks like fun. And in the beginning, Sammi didn’t notice that Casey wasn’t there, but no worries, there’s Audrina with another reminder about how torn up everyone is over the last family dinner. “If Casey shows up, you never know what’s gonna happen,” she says ominously. Right. All Casey.

Then Casey points out that she’s only worried that Drunken Shrew, after a long day of drinking, might make a scene when she sees Kyle Looza and embarrasses Samantha in front of all her friends. But, she tells us ever philosophically, she’s “putting it in God’s hands”.

Forget Libya.  God’s got Patridge problems to deal with.

Casey and Kyle finally turn up at the party. They walk in, and Drunken Shrew quite maturely makes a face and turns away. Audrina tells us that Casey seemed really awkward, but that Casey will never talk to you – you have to talk to her first.

I knew there was a reason I really liked you.

Sammi comes over to say hi to Casey, and Kyle offers to get Casey a drink. Rather than being happy that her daughter is with a man who cares if she’s thirsty, Drunken Shrew just meanly comments that Kyle’s “her loyal little pup”. I’m sorry, wasn’t the whole reason she hated Kyle because she thinks he controls Casey? Stupid people are so confusing.

We also learn that Casey doesn’t drink. Oh, and there’s Gramma! Casey and Kyle continue to stand around awkwardly, and finally DS does the motherly thing, and comes over. She asks for a hug, and then she kisses Casey who makes a face and comments that DS has “sticky lips”. Come on Casey, don’t make me start taking her side at this stage in the game.

And DS indeed tries – she tells Casey and Kyle that she’s happy they both came. It’s some painfully fake hostessing but at least it’s a start. DS offers them snacks and appetizers, but Casey shuts her down again with some story about waking up and spending five hours in traffic. Really? I thought they lived in OC? They must. Head to toe tattoos aren’t really fashionable anywhere else.

Then Drunken Shrew says that she loves Casey enough to give her space, and she’s happy to see her talking to her sisters at least. She serenely tells us that there’s more healing to do….followed by the statement that Kyle Looza needs to be “zapped like a roach”. Bring on the healing. Then she oh so innocently tells Gramma that she has “no idea” what she’s done to Casey. Well. That’s the thing about documenting. There’s always someone like me with evidence.

The group takes a family photo dressed up like Rastafarians, and it’s a cute family moment. No cuter than any other family out there, but it is nice to see anyway. And everyone gets in their closing thoughts. Kyle Looza says he’s not going anywhere. Padrina thinks it’s a new road and things will get better. Drunken Shrew gets all Mommy-like with Casey in the family picture, and tells us while she can’t change her, she can love her unconditionally. Marky wants the family to “simmer down and not get all buckwild”.

You know this guy’s 16th birthday present was a Mustang.

And Audrina wraps it all up by telling us we’ve seen the good and bad and ugly and happy, and being judged all the time without people’s understanding has brought their family closer. Then she says it was an experience that none of them will ever forget.

Good for you.  Ten recaps later, and all I can remember is that your sister’s name is Casey.