Audrina – Living The Dream

This week, Audrina realizes her lifelong dream of walking in a fashion show.  She also gets called cheesy to her face, which while I can’t say that was a lifelong, or well any kind of dream of mine,  I did really enjoy seeing it happen.

I’m sorry, but no dreams have even been realized in suspenders.  Well, perhaps Larry King’s.

Nice.  It’s contagious.

Well, here we are in NYC!  Audrina’s excited for her first fashion show, which has apparently always been a huge dream.  I’ve been watching this chick for – oh shit, I’m even embarrassed to count how many years now, but I’ve never heard a word about this alleged dream.  Whatever, I’m sure that’s all LC’s fault.

She checks into the Flatotel, and I’m sorry, but Flatotel?  They spend half of every episode talking about the great fame and celebrity of Audrina, and then they check into a hotel full of German tourists?  During Fashion Week?  I already can’t deal.

Casey and Audrina’s Mom, the Drunken Shrew arrive and have five minutes of peace in the cab ride from the hotel into the city.   Oh, here we go again.  A cab?  Who flies in for Fashion Week and doesn’t even have a car at the airport?  This is the most Z List Fashion Week trip ever.  Z isn’t even far enough in the alphabet for the list they’re on. They’re going to need to invent a new letter.

It’s fucking fashion week!

They arrive at the 5 star, celebrity enclave Flatotel, and Drunken Shrew is ready to go out and party with her kids.  But Audrina wants to get some sleep and so does Casey.  Then they debate about where on the space time continuum they should be, NY or LA.  We also learn that Casey does not like drinking, which given DS’s raging alcoholism is no great surprise.

The next day, they go prancing around NYC in outfits that positively reek of Orange County.  They go to Jacob the Jeweler to try on jewels.  And then Audrina ditches Casey and DS to go to a photo shoot.  She has also surprised them with a trip to Badgley Mischka, who she is catwalking for, where they will each get to choose a dress to wear for the runway show!  I’m pretty sure Badgley Mischka has a lower end line they’re publicizing here, but still, nice perk.

Casey and DS try on pretty dresses, and it seems like they’re having fun until Casey dares to bare in super low cut dress.  And all hell breaks loose.  Drunken Shrew, bastion of all things elegant and demure, starts berating Casey about the dress in the rudest way possible.  ”You look slutty,” she slurs, “Your little titties are saggy.”  Wow.

Now, any girl who’s ever been shopping with her Mom has had this fight, but most Moms I know criticize out of love and concern.  This woman is low.  And did she really call them “titties”? Did she confuse the Badgley Mischka showroom with the Hustler store?

Fuck her, you look hot.

So, Drunken Shrew is insulting Casey right and left. But when Casey gets annoyed at being told what to wear and having her breasts called saggy by a jealous 55 year old, DS immediately does a U-turn and starts talking to Casey like she’s a three year old having a tantrum.  Casey finally tells DS she won’t wear the dress if DS quits smoking.  Which effectively ends the argument cause everyone knows you can’t really pull of a trashy look without a cigarette hanging out of your mouth.

They meet Audrina for dinner, probably in Hoboken the way this trip is going.  Audrina is excited to hear about DS and Casey’s day.  Well, take a wild guess how that conversation goes.  And things are not improved by the fact that Casey wants to order dessert.  DS immediately accuses her of just trying to be opposite of Audrina because she’s jealous.  Um, maybe she just wanted some dessert?

Then Audrina drops the news that she is going to be meeting with Marie Claire for an interview to possibly do a feature on her personal style.  Before we go any further, let’s just review:

“Audrina” and “style” do not belong in the same sentence.  Much less on the same magazine page.

Audrina seems to have some semblance of reality, and reasonable disbelief that Marie Claire would even want to talk to her in the first place, so she reminds Drunken Shrew that they’re meeting with a lot of people.  ”You’re better than all those bimbos!” DS exclaims as she sloshes through her 908th glass of wine.  That day.

Then she starts in on a rant about how gorgeous and sweet Audrina is.  Casey points out that to judge Audrina on her looks only robs her of what’s inside.  Which is either very insightful or very envious commentary.  I’m growing fond of Casey, so I go with insightful.  Although, my cat would look profound next to Drunken Shrew.

Don’t judge her for being beautiful.  She’s also really, really nice.

Then Casey gamely tries to change the subject and tell Audrina about all the pretty dresses at Badgley Mischka, but of course Drunken Shrew has to ruin that too by putting the low cut dress debate back on the table.  Audrina notes that Drunken Shrew definitely needs a filter, and yet does nothing but stare blankly when DS starts in on Casey’s saggy boobs. Again.  At the dinner table.

Casey finally hears enough, and takes off.  ”Ok fine, get upset!” Drunken Shrew yells after her.  Followed by, “The dress looked horrible!”  I can not believe what an asshole this woman is to her own daughter.  She doesn’t even deserve to be written about this close to Mothers Day.

Poor Casey is sobbing outside about how Drunken Shrew always puts her down.  ”She’s detrimental to my self esteem,” she says miserably.  I kinda want to hug her.  She says her plan is to remove herself from the situation and hope that one day, Drunken Shrew grows up.  Honey, she’s grown.  Did you mean sober up?

And then it’s time for the greatest thing I saw all week, Audrina’s meeting at Marie Claire.  She leaves Casey and Drunken Shrew alone because she doesn’t want to deal with them fighting.  My suggestion?

A muzzle.

Okay, so off to Marie Claire!  The feature they’re talking to her about is something called “Dress Code” about, um, fashionable women.  And they seem just as confused about what the hell Audrina’s doing there as everyone else, but they go along with the show.  They tell her they’re going to gage her personal style by what she picks out of the MC closet.

And then, the closet.  Audrina is amazed and full of wonder.  And again, I have to say – if you don’t know that fashion magazines have closets like this, then you do not deserve to be there.  And she proves her unworthiness by picking really boring stuff.  The editors make faces at everything she chooses.  Audrina tells us it was like a “fashion test”.

You get an F-.

The bitchy British editor (is there any other kind?) tells her she played it safe with her clothing choices.  But, cause there’s a camera there, she still gets to meet with the real editor, yet another British bitch, Joanna Coles.  Who is my new idol.  Here’s what she has to say to Audrina.

I have kindly included translation, for those of you who don’t speak Judgmental Bitch.

Bitchy British Editor: “I don’t know what you’re personal style is.”

CB Translation:  You have none.

BBE: “I think you’re cleaner than Kate Moss.”

CB Translation:  You have no style.  (Even Audrina knows being called clean compared to Kate Moss is an insult.  ”Oh…thank you,” she says uncomfortably, as the realization sinks in that OC mall style…isn’t really style.)

BBE:  ”Stick your foot up.”

CB Translation:  Just do as I say.

BBE: “So is your car like a changing room?”

CB Translation:  Are you homeless?

And my favorite….

BBE: “I think if we do it, we need to de-cheesify her.”

CB Translation:  If you need me to translate this for you, you need to not be reading this anymore.

The meeting ends with a “don’t call us, we’ll call you” kind of feel.  Audrina tells us now all there is to do now is “wait and not know”.   Welcome to reality, for all the irony there.  Audrina felt “intimidated” by her experience at MC.  And gee, she sure didn’t know that fashion was “so serious”.  Well, what did you think LC and Whit were doing at their fake jobs all day?

She’s so clueless, you can’t help but just feel a little bad for her. Oh, but I’m sorry.  I forgot the part where BBE asked her what kind of boots she was wearing and she replied, “Balenciaga?”  Like it was a question.  I nearly sob over the injustice.

These boots, if they could speak, would be screaming bloody murder to get the hell off her feet.

Meanwhile, Drunken Shrew and Casey are stuck together waiting for Audrina.  Drunken Shrew is less drunk at 10 AM then she is at most hours, so she makes up with Casey and tells her how much she loves her.  Casey says it’s the same old story – DS likes to get drunk, start awful fights and then pretend they never happened.

Then it’s time for the runway!  Audrina shares that the fashion show is one of her steps in proving to people that she’s “not just a reality star”, so if she trips and falls it will “ruin everything”.  First of all, no better way to break out of that reality star shell by….being in another reality show?  Second, you are not a star.  Third, if falling down while you’re walking in a straight line can ruin everything…what have you got to lose, again?

Casey and Drunken Shrew enter the audience.  DS is predictably screeching and acting a fool.  ”Holey moley look at our seats!” yells Ellie May Clampett.  She also informs us that they were sitting next to “some big designer guy”.

Audrina is in the middle of the usual backstage madness, getting her hair and makeup and just generally looking gorgeous.  She practices walking in a little circle.  The suspense is building.  Will she pull it off?

And she walks the runway without incident.  She does look a lot stiffer than the rest of the sort-of celebrity models, and none of the rest of them actually applaud themselves…but hey, it was her dream.

Yay, me!

Casey says she was “glittering and glowing and exquisite and living her dream”.  Drunken Shrew spares us the commentary about how much better Audrina looked than everyone else on the runway.  To be honest, they just both look incredibly proud.  By the way, Casey is not wearing the hot black dress, she’s in a silver one instead but she still looks good.

Next week, Mark Burnett pulls some strings for a crossover episode with The Donald!  Trump, that is.  Crazy busy.   See you then.