So, anyone out there wondering what’s become of the most boring person on The Hills? Yeah, me neither. And with that, I give you…Audrina.
Here we go. The sun rises on Audrina, and we get the quick intro. It’s the standard one minute “you might know me from…” followed by the inevitable list of other reality shows. Listen, if you need to explain to me how I know you, then I don’t know you. And if one of the places I know you from is “the blogs”, as Audrina purports…I mean, wouldn’t you just be embarrassed? I’m pretty sure all five people who watched this already know who she is. Although, the Dancing With the Stars thing had slipped my mind.
And it’s pretty clear that what we “know” her from ain’t much. The Hills, obviously, which she says in a super jaded way. Can we take a little tangent down that street for a moment? Stop talking shit, implied or otherwise, on The Hills, you moron! If it weren’t for Lauren Conrad and her crew, we’d “know” your ass from Saddle Ranch.
There but for the grace of a PA wandering the streets of Park La Brea …
And who out there was fool enough to believe The Hills Audrina and the DWTS Audrina were the real Audrina? Of course not! We have no idea! So let’s get enlightened on the differences. Now, real Audrina models. Didn’t The Hills Audrina model? Oh, wait that Audrina was a receptionist at a photo studio. My bad.
She models. Okay. She tells us she’s been in movies. She has? What movies? I take it to the IMDB for this one, cause I’m sure this is made up. But foiled again! Audrina is totally a movie star! Into the Blue 2. Honey 2. If there’s a straight to video that needs a sequal, she’s definitely the first name on the list. IMDB also yields the information that she’s appeared in an Ab Circle Pro infomercial, but this stellar resume credit is suspiciously left off her Audrina show into. She also does commercials. Plural. I’ve seen that one Carl’s Jr. spot. What else ya got?
But wait! That’s not the real Audrina either! The real Audrina is the one who, when things get hectic goes home to…
Because there are just not enough shows about Orange County polluting our televisions already.
So, forget modeling, acting and reality shows. This is the real, real, real Audrina and she’s got all kinds of excitement going on beneath her brain dead eyes. Like her brother Marky. He’s the life of the party. And her sister Sammy. She’s the baby of the family, but growing up so fast! I am already blown away by the depth of Audrina’s life.
Then the dramatic music starts and we meet another sister, Casey who’s “always pushing the envelope”. She proves it by telling Audrina that she’s old enough to dress how she wants. Oh my. Will the Patridges survive this intense family drama?
Tattoos mean no one’s holding me down!
She tells us that “Mom gets out of control”, which is a nice way of saying she’s a stupid, trashy shrew but we’ll get to that later. And Dad’s “the rock”. Or “the glue”. Whatever. It’s like paint by numbers already with these reality show families.
She has a “hot, sweet boyfriend” who lives in Australia part time, which explains how he keeps the hot and sweet status. And of course, the requisite little dog. Reality shows were a real boom for these tiny puppies. “No matter how crazy it gets,” she tells us, not indicating what exactly what “it” is – “I want my family by my side.” And folks, we have a premise.
And then we have a theme song. Naturally, it’s Sarah Bareilles, patron saint of the sassy twenty-something girl just trying to make her way in this big ol’ world.
I’ma do me!
It becomes really clear from the intro that this show is a complete rip off of the Kardashawhores. I just made that up and I love it. Each family member is featured in the intro in various stages of huggy adorableness with Dreeny. See, trashy people can have close families too! But back to the lack of originality – even the title looks exactly the same.
I know this is completely the wrong venue, but what’s it all coming to???
So, what’s the first crazy thing happening in Audrina’s life? A bikini calendar shoot. Certainly nothing I’d ever expect from a Z-lister who’s claim to fame is her pretty hair and hot body. Did we have the wrong idea about this girl or what?
Some makeup artist reads her line asking about Corey, Audrina’s boyfriend. She talked to him this morning, and she misses him. I feel like I need to take a break. There’s just too many interesting things happening in Audrina’s life, and I need to take it in.
Then we get a Baywatch worthy montage of Audrina’s calendar shoot. The photographer is named Willie, and according to Audrina, he’s shot “every celebrity known”. I’m not sure what that means. He’s shot for Vogue, and all the “high end fashion magazines”. But now he’s shooting Audrina. And the direction is along the lines of “now stick your bottom out”, followed by a salacious “oooooooh”. I don’t care if he was hand picked by Anna Wintour herself, this guy is a gross perv. But he’s the perfect pick for this shoot, cause this is exactly who I imagine Audrina’s fan base to be.
Then I guess we’re back in OC, cause the real Audrina just likes to hang out with her family. Nothing to do with the cameras. And then, Dad gives us the best line of any reality television show ever.
“Being the father of Audrina Patridge, celebrity, it’s challenging.”
Okay, first of all doesn’t celebrity imply that you’re being celebrated for doing something? And what’s the challenging part? Explaining to people who you’re super famous daughter is? Something tells me this is not the last we’ll hear of Audrina’s great fame, and how the rest of the family deals.
Then we meet her Mom. The first thing she tells us is what an protective mama-bear she is.
I make sure all her stripper outfits have matching plastic earrings. Like any good mother.
Mom starts slurring away about the photo shoot. ”They’re not trying to get too much hoochie mama stuff in there, are they?” she wants to know.
Because like any protective mama-bear, I do not approve of hoochie mama stuff.
“You’re still our baby, honey,” drunken skank mama slurs, like she’s reading it off a script. Which she probably thinks she is. Audrina’s Dad just chortles that the whole bikini/lingerie thing makes him uncomfortable, but she’s 26 and if she’s okay with it, then he is too.
This leads to a conversation about the “paparazzis”, and how Audrina and her Mom have both gotten in trouble with them before. Which leads to the grainy black and white video of drunk Mommy talking about what a huge star her daughter is, and what assholes everyone else is. And then she delivers the second best line ever on reality television.
“I never realized how much my daughter’s fame affected me.”
I never realized that grand delusions of fame were a pre-requisite for being on a reality show. Oh wait, yeah I did. So anyway, Drunken Shrew makes a tearful dramatic apology for embarrassing their family so publicly. Give me a break. Something tells me the Patridges are hardly the bastion of genteel Southern California society.
“Right or wrong, I taught them to learn from my mistakes,” Drunken Shrew says firmly. Okay sure, of course we all make mistakes. But the mistakes I learn about from my Mom are like, ‘don’t bring too much luggage on an overnight trip’. Not, ‘don’t get get plastered and say terrible things in front of a camera‘. And if you can’t hold your liquor by the time your chin’s that saggy…lady, you have a problem.
Then she starts sobbing, and and dopey Audrina immediately goes from lecturing her Mom to saying she loves her and she doesn’t “give a crap” what anyone else thinks. So, already not learning anything from this mistake.
Then Drunken Shrew makes a toast to never talk about the incident again. Then she brings it back up. Then she says she’s “not really sorry”. Then she yells at Audrina and Dad for still talking about it. ”But we just cheers’d to never talk about it again,” blathers Audrina, making up a new verb.
The producer in the corner makes the hand motion to Aud to move things along, and then we’re on the topic of moving. Audrina wants to move from Hollywood to the beach.
Because this didn’t happen on The Hills. In 2009.
But let’s pretend it didn’t. And Audrina is still living in the hills, and there’s all kinds of crazy people knocking on her door and inmates sending her letters from prison. And there’s just no privacy. And like everyone who voluntarily films every detail of their mind numbingly boring day, she wants to be left alone in her down time!
Oh, and she wants her younger brother to move in with her. “He wants to move out of your guyses house,” she yaps. Get hold of the english language, idiot! Drunken Shrew is predictably upset over these move out decisions that are being made without her. She continues her slurry rant. The sound of her voice is like un-manicured nails across a boxed wine soaked chalkboard.
Well, let’s get to buying some real estate that Audrina may or may not be already living in. She takes her brother and possible roommate Marky with her. She says he’s just a fun guy who everyone loves, and I will say he does have a nice positive energy. I mean, I can’t really say anything bad about these people (except the Drunken Shrew) but what exactly are they doing that warrants being broadcast? Marky gets stuck in an elevator. Audrina vetoes a “voyeur” shower. Captivating.
So Marky is basically looking for party house, but Audrina is just looking for privacy. ”There’s no privacy with paprazzi,” she laments. Give it just a bit. Something tells me your brand of “celebrity” might not last forever. Just a thought.
Then it’s time for “family dinner” to catch up with all Patridges. Despite all the setup about how close the family is, when they gather in the kitchen all they can talk about is how they never have family dinners anymore. And then the sister, Casey and Drunken Shrew argue about shellfish. It turns out Casey is married with kids of her own. But Drunken Shrew’s not down with the new family, for some reason.
“I don’t know what my Mom’s problem is with my husband,” says Casey. ”I just want my Casey time,” slurs Drunken Shrew. Something is very wrong here . Does this lady even ask about her grandkids? One of whom, it turns out, is having a birthday that weekend? AI bet you Drunken Shrew’s jealous of her daughter and her young family.
Oh well, let’s just get through this fake dinner. Audrina is going to New York fashion week. She invites her Mom to go with her, but sassy Casey gets jealous because she wants to go too. Audrina tries to pipe in, but two seconds later it’s a stupid fight between Casey and Drunken Shrew that doesn’t make any sense. Casey gets on camera and flat out says if she wasn’t related to her Mom, she wouldn’t like her. Harsh.
But Drunken Shrew’s not giving up. She wants Casey to stay and watch a movie. Casey wants to get home to her kids. And then Casey says something awful, about how she wants to be home with her family instead of spending time with her parents and brothers and sisters. Riiiiight. Something tells me Casey would give up a night with her kids for a night at the bar and the tattoo parlor, but for these strangers? Please.
Dad tries to smooth over the situation by bringing out a cake and trying to make everyone smell it. This man is sweet and adorable…and just not very bright. Then we see clips of the upcoming season and all the crazy things that happen. Audrina wears bikinis. Audrina reasons with her drunk Mom. Audrina has a fight with her boyfriend. I still have no earthly idea why she needed a television for this, but if the Patridges think they’re interesting enough for public consumption, I’m more than happy to set that record straight. xo