Audrina: Not Done Yet

Welcome back to the life of Audrina.  Once again, we need a full minute and a half of screen time to remind us of what happened last week and what’s coming up this week. Here it is – Audrina has been invited to the International Polo Club.  That’s the whole story. I don’t know how plausible it is though, I mean how could someone as crazy busy as Audrina just drop everything to go to a polo weekend?

They’re staying at the Four Seasons in Palm Beach.  Audrina tells us Corey wasn’t invited cause he’s being a dick. Well, she says something about needing space from her boyfriend who lives thousands of miles away.  Instead, she brings her brother and some other identified girl.

The good life never looked so displaced.

“Look at the ocean!  Look at the waves!” yells Audrina, as articulate as my three year old nephew.  Then they spy a gorgeous display of cookies and french macaroons.  ”What is this?” the simpleton asks her brother.  ”They’re treats,” he informs her.

I could watch close ups of this tray for a whole episode and be significantly more entertained than watching Audrina.

She says she knows nothing about polo but is “down” to learn.  Her friend, now identified as Joey, tells her that the guys are hot.  They arrive at the field, and wow, has Mikey classed up for the occasion or what.

I wore the good flannel, and I used new scissors to cut off the sleeves.

On cue, some guys ride up on polo ponies.  The first thing Audrina tells us is that they’re cute, and the second thing she tells us is that she had an immediate flirtation with one of them.

Long distance relationships are really hard.

She wants to know how the game works, and they basically tell her it’s like hockey.  Then they start their lesson.  Audrina tells us that she had the “upper hand” because she already knew how to ride a horse.  But her friend Joey is having a hard time.

The polo instructors get on the girls’ horses.  Audrina’s one second crush gets in the saddle with her, and then – HORRORS!  The paparazzi show up!

In today’s episode, the role of “paparazzi” will be played by these two nice tourists from Missouri with fancy new cameras.

And Corey has her on Google Alert, so any time she does anything “in the press”, he gets an alert right away. And when we say doing things in the press, we mean doing things that the paid VH1 publicist emails to Corey.

The friend tells us that she can tell “my girl is crushing” on the polo instructor, Nick.  He’s sleazy and has nothing to say.  Of course Audrina’s crushing.  The polo guys invite Audrina & Co. out that night.

“i was down because we’re in Palm Beach,” Audrina explains.  They have mind numbingly boring conversation about how many kids Nick wants to have, and how Audrina is allergic to citrus.  She tells us they totally hit it off.

I am so into this guy.  Yeah, the one next to me.

But of course, Psycho Corey is “blowing up” her phone.  Of course. But let’s not be too hasty and dump his obsessive ass or anything.  Would you believe this moron actually lists out how many times she called and texted him that night as evidence of what a loyal girlfriend she is?  Then she goes out and lets sleazy Nick put his hands all over her.

The next morning, they want to know what happened to her brother Marky.  He tells them, “I went to a strip club and met a girl.  But she’s a stripper.”

So you’re saying she’s too good for you?

They try and discourage him from dating strippers, and then we hear more about how Corey was “tripping”. “Blowing up”, “tripping”, did we take our early 90′s slang dictionary on this vacation?

Audrina blathers about how she forgave him for finding naked pictures on his phone.  Twice.  The friend advises Audrina to get rid of the loser.  Oh, silly friend.  She’s only found naked pics on his phone twice.  And he hasn’t been verbally abusing her for that long really.  So I’d say this relationship still has about three reality show seasons of life left before the final “I’m done!” speech. Not that there won’t be 2,864 “I’m done!”s before then.

Audrina’s friend, who clearly did not watch The Hills.

“Team Nick!’ exclaims the friend.  ”Seems like brother in law material,” comments the brother.  Just then, the phone pings with a text.  Audrina literally stops mid-sentence to pick it up.  ”Oh, it’s Corey,” she says, all false annoyed.

Then she talks to him.  So now the problem is that she went to sleep without calling him.  ”Did I do somethink wrong?” she asks just a little too innocently.  Well, she ignored his calls and texts.  And then he needs her to “explain her night”.   And then she tells us that this is normal behavior for him.  Apparently, after every night out, she owes him – a guy who has naked pictures of many other girls all over his phone – a play by play of every minute of her night.

Too stupid for words.

Well, then he turns it around and tells her what a bad girl she is and then she tries to tell him to be reasonable while the friend stands there stage whispering, “He’s manipulating you!” and this jackass stands there looking like the wacky neighbor from an 80s sitcom.

Whoooooooooaaaaaaa.

She finally tells him it’s a “mind fuck” – wow, they really did bring that 90s slang dictionary – and hangs up on him.  Of course he calls right back.  She stares at the phone, but doesn’t answer it.  I’m sure only cause her friend who appears to own at least half a brain is still standing there.

Then they walk on the beach, and Audrina tells us how confusing it all is. She’s sick of fighting and him turning things on her.  ”I don’t know what to do,” she whines.  The friend tells her to grow some self respect and dump him already.

So you’re saying you think I should break up with him?  But long distance is so hard!

“What are you going to do?” asks the friend seriously.  And Audrina is “torn”.  She tells us she never wanted to be “that girl” whose boyfriend controlled her.   Here’s my advice – stop talking about the girl you don’t want to be, and actually be the girl you like.

Well, back to the Polo Club and look who cleans up nice!

Marky!  Having a Pretty Woman moment at the polo match.

They arrive, and immediately run into Nick. Audrina reminds us of all the chemistry, and then tells us that “God had this weekend planned out for a reason”.

Right.  Because God’s got nothing better to do than hook you up with polo players.

So they chat and flirt and surprise, surprise Nick wants to come to LA.  And that’s kind of it.  Next week, Audrina ambushes Casey and tries to break up with Corey, but only ends up chasing him around a restaurant.  Til then.